You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 3.29.07: Mick Foley
Posted by Rob Halden on 03.29.2007
Is this week's idiot you? No. It's not. Unless you're Mick Foley.
This week: Mick Foley
Is it still sacrilege to have a negative word against Mick Foley? I don't think so but I also don't care. In his new book (Hardcore Diaries) Mick freely admits that his recent post-retirement matches haven't been all that (with his Orton clash being an exception) and that he has phoned-in and zoned-out on a lot of the promos. But I'm not criticising that, and I don't think anyone expects a guy in his shape and at his age to perform like he did in 2000. To be fair (which I rarely am) even a phoned in Foley promo is better than 78% of anyone else. No, what I'm criticising is Mick Foley's blind and naïve defence of Terry Funk.
Hardcore Diaries charts the majority of Foley's return to the WWE, but mainly deals with a big angle he devised for the second ECW PPV, and the various pitfalls he encountered trying to bring that idea to fruition. The general concept was to turn Foley heel, have him team up with Edge and take on Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk at the 2006 PPV. Foley feels that if done correctly, this would become the major selling point for the event. Apparently he hadn't heard of a ‘John Cena' or a ‘Rob Van Dam', or a little thing called ‘The Money In The Bank Match'. Or a two month build up. Nevertheless, Foley's idea would call for Terry Funk (old & beat-down) and Tommy Dreamer (fat & beat-down) to become "main event" level guys…in five weeks time.
The Funker hadn't been seen on WWE programming for 8 years. Tommy Dreamer was that guy from Heat who drank out of a toilet bowl. To the average WWE audience, this was the equivalent of teaming Pat Patterson with Stevie Richards. Mmmm, smell the buyrates. But Mick Foley had a secret weapon, which he pitched to the WWE Writing Staff. Terry Funk was going to interrupt one of McMahon's hee-larious Kiss My Ass Clubs, by biting McMahon on the arse (Dear Americans, please read that at ‘butt' or ‘ass'. Sincerely, Rob). Now, admittedly that's pretty damn funny and would have made a truly great Raw moment, been downloaded tons of times and provoked a great live audience reaction. But how exactly does that turn Terry Funk into a credible "main event" level threat?! Especially against the young and athletic Edge, and a guy who just proved he could cause some serious damage at the ‘Mania 22 Hardcore Match? Foley's secret weapon sees a 63 year old man bite a 62 year old man on the behind.
Despite liking the initial ass-biting idea, McMahon and the Writing Staff are having some reservations about having Terry Funk involved, or at least involved in such a key and pivotal role at both Raw and One Night Stand. Foley cannot believe this! How dare they! How dare they not respect Funk's legacy! How dare they not see that he was one of the greatest wrestlers of all time! He dare they be unable to see past his advanced age, old man body, mess of injuries and the fact you'd have to have been watching WWE 8 years ago to know who he is! What kind of men are they?!?
Businessmen, Mick. Businessmen.
But the ideas and the angles seem to come together and everyone signs off on the match. Now along the way the ass-biting idea gets nixed, mainly because management doesn't really want a non-WWE talent causing such damage to McMahon, especially when he's already feuding with DX. I agree it would have made great TV and I would have loved to have seen it. But Terry Funk was not under contract. Terry Funk was still appearing at Indy shows before this idea, and would still be appearing at Indy shows after this idea. No reasonable promoter would give that kind of prestige to someone who would be at ROH or TNA or MLW the next week. It's too much power to hand over to someone who doesn't work for you. Besides which, what would it say about Hunter and Shawn struggling to get the better of the Boss, when Old Man Funk just did it?
Consequently, they need a new way to build up to the big match, and Foley pushes for some big mike time for himself and Funk. Management once again express some concern of giving a microphone over to Terry Funk during a live broadcast. Why? Have you ever heard a Terry Funk promo? Meandering tangents left, right and centre, and that was when he was just middle-aged. Every promo is about his mule or his horse or his ranch. Or Japan. Or his Japanese barb-wire mule that his dead ol' Daddy gave to him. And that donkey became King Of The Death Ranch. Does Mick respond to this with "I understand, Terry sounds like he's stuck in 1979."? Of course not. If he did, he wouldn't be this week's idiot. I know they're friends and everything, but when my friends try and do karaoke I still tell them it's a dumb idea. Or at the very least, I understand why other people in the pub are throwing things at them.
During the said promo between Funk and Foley, Mick fully admits that Terry gets lost and screws up a couple of basic lines. Then, during a later confrontation on Raw Funk was seen to physically trip and stumble on his way to the ring, raising yet more concerns about his health and ability to perform. Foley treats this concern with the same ‘conspiracy theory' he's applied to every other problem WWE has had so far with Terry, completely downplaying and damn near overlooking the Funker's physical limitations. Everyone who saw Beyond The Mat knew that Funk was worn-down, beaten-up and in terrible physical condition. And that was '98-'99. Nearly a decade after seeing him get told he can't run, can't jump and shouldn't be able to walk properly, it's pretty sensible to be concerned about his ability to compete in a highly physical wrestling match. His knees are shot. His back is shot. Maybe if Funk was going into the ring with HBK, or the Rock or Triple H, those concerns wouldn't have been as prevalent. But he's going in there with Mick Foley and Tommy Dreamer who are both long past their prime and riddled with injuries themselves. From the WWE's perspective (hell, from the perspective of anyone who isn't Mick Foley) just how many people is Edge being expected to carry here?
By this stage it's no wonder that Vince McMahon did not have high hopes for the match, and whilst maybe it's not the best idea to share that thought with the talent, you can pretty much understand why. The WWE audience doesn't know who Funk is. The WWE audience doesn't know who Dreamer is. One's old. The other's from Heat. Funk needs to be carried. Dreamer needs to be carried. Foley needs to be carried. I think we can forgive Vinnie for not seeing dollar-signs dancing before his eyes.
Foley's blinkered view on Terry Funk throughout Hardcore Diaries starts off as endearing. But as the book wears on it becomes downright insane, to the point that you have to question which one of them is supposed to be the senile old man. Funk's done some great things in the past, but that doesn't give him carte blanche with a young audience and millions of dollars at stake.
You're An Idiot Because: Old people are stupid and worthless.
