The Box in the Attic 03.28.07: Sunday Night Heat, April 18, 1999
Posted by Samuel Berman on 03.28.2007
If you're expecting a clean finish in the main event, you clearly never watched Heat.
Yep, I jury-rigged my laptop again, so you get another column to read. No feedback from the last column, as I guess no one wanted to waste time by looking up who was (stupidly) booking the WWF during its first draft. But that's alright, because it's probably better that we not know anyway. This week, we're going to do a show that newer fans may not even remember existed, at least in this format.
Tape Label Says:
Rock/HHH vs. Kane/X-Pac
Actual Content Is:
WWF Sunday Night Heat – April 18, 1999
Live to tape from Van Andel Arena – Grand Rapids, MI
-No lead in this week, as I get about five-and-a-half seconds of the credits from an undetermined film. With that out of the way, we go straight to…
-One World Leader Attitude
-We get a video package of various fans and wrestlers talking about how Shane slapping Vince was uncalled for and rude. This seems to be from an era where McMahons turning on each other was a fairly new idea. Vince: "If you want power, you have to earn it… with RESPECT!" It really helps when they write the jokes for me. Just as a point of reference, this was during the ‘Vince ignores his duties as the head of the Corporation to focus on keeping Stephanie safe' period where Steph had literally JUST debuted on WWF TV for the first time. Yep, I have tapes from THAT long ago.
-Heat intro with clips of Undertaker, DX HHH, Sable and Gangrel. We're on the USA network if anyone's curious.
-Shane-o-Mac joins us to No Chance, the music Vince uses to this very day. He's introduced as Co-Owner of the WWF, which is accurate if nothing else. He wears sunglasses indoors just to annoy me before doing the dramatic removal and apologizing to Vince… oh wait, never mind that. He's proud of what he did because he's the only McMahon with the size of grapefruits. Seriously? They just bleeped out "balls"? That's just embarrassing for everyone. Also, because they routinely say "ass" and "bitch" on Scrubs these days, it just goes to show how tolerant TV execs (and American viewers in general, I suppose) have gotten over the last decade. I digress. Anyway, Shane goes on for a bit ending with him announcing (I think for the second or third time by this point) that he's the special guest referee for the Austin vs. Rock title match at Backlash. That match is a lost classic, by the way, and was head-and-shoulders above their Wrestlemania XV match. If this was RAW, Austin would have interrupted, but this isn't, so he doesn't and Shane leaves without incident.
-For the record, Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole are our hosts, combining to be quite possibly the worst announce team of all time. Later tonight we get the Tag Title match mentioned on my label as well as Ken Shamrock in a handicap match and a tag battle between people I thought were together in The Ministry by this point, but was clearly mistaken. Oh, and Sable's here, too.
-Commercials: If you use Armor All car wax, then you'll be able to party later and women will do their makeup while using your automobile hood as a mirror. Or something like that.
-US Coast Guard Rescue of the Week: Vince accuses Shane of being on a power trip and then gets slapped. We already saw this in the opening, but the ‘respect' line was still funny.
-Handicap Match: Big Bossman & Test vs. Ken Shamrock: Test looks just huge here, although I guess we know why now. Shamrock gets quite the pop from the crowd. He takes it to Bossman early, but Test breaks it up. Bossman and Shamrock exchange blows and Shamrock gets a big thrust kick. Tag to Test and he works over Ken for a bit. Cole mentions that Shamrock takes on The Undertaker at Backlash, which I recall happening, but can't attest to the quality of. Double KO and Test tries to tag out to Bossman, but he hops off the apron. Bossman tells Test he's got to learn the hard way, and then Shamrock gets a belly-to-belly suplex and the Ankle Lock and Test gives up as Bossman walks away. The theory is that this is a punishment for Test for not winning the Tag Team Titles on RAW with HHH. I don't see him getting punished, and he wasn't even sleeping with the boss' daughter yet. Match was nothing. DUD
-Some really skinny kid is backstage interviewing X-Pac. And yes, I see the irony in that last statement. Kane's not here yet, and Waltman doesn't know if he's going to have to go it alone or not. He keeps a positive attitude though. Pretty subdued promo for Sean, actually, given what he was usually doing during this period. I actually loved the X-Pac & Kane team, by the way, and I'm not ashamed to say it.
-Commercials: Odor-X will help your car smell better if your bulldog happens to eat pizza and smoke cigars in the back seat. Or something like that.
-Shane (with the Mean Street Posse) breaks up a backstage fight between Bossman and Test backstage and gives Bossman a singles match with Shamrock the next night on RAW.
-Tiger Ali-Singh joins us for a promo. Funny sign in the crowd: "Tiger 7:11". Singh cuts a better version of the promos that Muhammad Hassan tried to do five or six years later. It's kind of a shame that Singh wasn't around later, actually. Or that he couldn't bring the goods in the ring, you know, at all. He offers any woman $500 cash to massage his feet, so we're quickly joined by P.M.S. of Jacqueline and Terri Runnels. Terri's wearing a remarkable amount of clothing. For her, I mean. Singh makes it clear that it's only $250 a piece, so they get all uppity and grab his legs, allowing Sean Stasiak (who is as yet unnamed) to come out of the crowd and beat up the foreigner. Stasiak's One Shining Moment (hey, it IS March) came a couple of years later during the InVasion, when he had his ‘misfire on an attack and run into a wall' gimmick. Ok, so maybe ‘One Shining Moment' was going a little too far.
-Up next: a sit-down interview with The Rock.
-Commercials: Monster Ballads is 35 monster hits on two CDs or Cassettes. Imagine the "Goin' South" commercial, subtract the Lynyrd Skynyrd, add some Warrant and you've got this.
-We get a promo hyping Austin vs. Rock at Backlash, complete with the Smoking Skull Belt angle and Austin getting tossed off of a bridge into a river. This was actually pretty high concept stuff, as it was a storyline throwback to Austin tossing the IC belt into a river a year-and-a-half before this. Rock does a sit-down with JR, looking and sounding infinitely less polished than he would become even two or three years later, let alone today. That's not to say that Rock was bad or anything, but he was simply fine at this point, not the savant he would end up becoming even just a year or two later. In synopsis, Rock is hell bent on becoming the WWF Champion for the fourth time and is willing to everything up to and including forcing Austin into retirement to do so. Rocky then cuts the segment short and walks out.
-Commercials: Being eaten by a giant M&M is funny. Or something like that.
-Backstage, X-Pac frets about Kane not being there. Remember kids, never leave your tag team partner high and dry.
-Gangrel & Edge (with Christian and blood, but without flammable rising entrance platform) vs. Midian & Viscera: We get a promo package before the match reviewing the Brood joining and subsequently leaving the Ministry. I was pretty hokey, but I actually liked the original Ministry angle, as it gave a lot of midcarders something meaningful to do. Before we get too far from it, let me note that the Brood's entrance music and whole fire & blood thing is probably one of the three or four best entrances in wrestling history. For you newer fans, definitely try to find some old PPV VHS or something that has the whole shebang. It's totally worth checking out. Christian hammers away at Midian to start, but keeps getting thrown out of the corner. Tag to Gangrel and the Brood gets a double team hiptoss for two. Cole does a weird announcing bit that makes me think we're going to commercial, but we don't. Strange. The Ministry takes over on Gangrel and Viscera slams him a couple of times. Gangrel ducks a kick and tags to… Edge?? He wasn't supposed to be in the match, so Kelly tries to defend it by saying that they're giving up a ton of weight anyway. Stupid, but I still liked Edge at this point, so I'll allow it if it gives him some ring time. Even with the one-man advantage, the Brood still can't get ahead, as Viscera slams the future Suicide Blondes, but then misses the big splash onto both of them. A pair of double dropkicks sends the big guy to the floor and then Gangrel and Christian pound away on Midian while Edge hits a really pretty swandive plancha onto Viscera on the outside. Seriously, who pulls that move on on Heat? All three Brood members pound away on Midian, so the Acolytes (in their earliest incarnation, complete with chest paint and short hair for Bradshaw) come down and it's a DQ finish. The Ministry repays the one-man advantage by pounding away 4-on-3. Christian takes a Dominator and then Viscera splashes Gangrel. Call it 1/2* for the dive and the Brood's entrance, even without the fire.
-Moments ago (allegedly), HHH cuts a promo on X-Pac, promising to beat him until there's only a little bit left, and then he'll finish the job at Backlash. That HHH vs. X-Pac match at Backlash was also pretty good if memory serves.
-Meanwhile, Sable has someone polish her nails. I know she was really, REALLY hot at the time, but time and perspective have put her football fields behind Trish Stratus in the ‘hot wrestling chicks' pantheon.
-Commercials: All Star Baseball 2000 for Nintendo 64 was the driving force in the Yankees' 2000 World Series Title. Or something like that.
-WWF Slam of the Week brought to you by 1-800 call ATT: Nicole Bass decimates the entire WWF women's division except for Sable.
-Speaking of which, Sable joins us to make some sort of big announcement. She looks good, don't get me wrong, but looks so artificial that it really ruins the memory of how hot I thought she was when I was 16. Sometimes reality doesn't live up to the dream, ya know? Michael Cole asks her how long she thinks she'll be able to stay on top. I was going to make a joke about that being up to her husband, but I'm too much of a gentleman to stoop that low. Also, Michael says that many people are "questioning her recent tactics as of late", proving that he is a redundantly redundant interviewer of the most redundant order. Sable cuts a bitchy diva promo (Kevin Kelly: "Mariah Carey, eat your heart out!") and announces that Sable, Inc. has hired Nicole Bass as her bodyguard. I don't think Sable gets nearly enough blame for indirectly causing the Nicole Bass-Val Venis love story angle that nearly robbed me of my sight in the months that followed this.
-Backstage, X-Pac walks alone, but Rock & HHH are walking with Chyna. Methinks that's a mismatch, but what do I know.
-Commercials: Tonight's USA lineup: Pacific Blue, the series finale of Silk Stalkings, and La Femme Nikita. I think that speaks for itself.
The Final Word:
Heat was never really known as the workrate show or anything, but for an hour-long review of the current (or in this case, then-current) storylines, it wasn't bad. None of the matches really got out of first gear before abruptly ending, but they were all there as storyline window-dressing anyway. It's not like stumbling onto a tape of the SmackDown! Six, but a fair amount of the stuff the WWF was doing at the time was fun enough and still works for me. I'm not sure if they ever did X-Pac & Kane vs. Rock & HHH for the belts on RAW (where they might have gotten 10 minutes to do something interesting), but just think about what everyone would think if they tried doing that match now? Just goes to show how far Rock and Hunter have gone and how much Kane's credibility has waned since the first couple of years in the character. Say what you want about the character now, but in 1999, it really wasn't insane to think he could single-handedly take on both of those guys and come out on top.
