The Wrestling News Experience: 03.26.07
Posted by Stephen Randle on 03.26.2007
One week to go, have you memorized the theme song yet?
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I'm Stephen Randle, fresh off another migraine. Of all the genetic defects to inherit, I had to get this one.
Anyway, the Leafs are clawing and scratching, but really, we all know they're going to fall two points short of the playoffs anyway. It's the continual gain, then sudden loss of hope that really starts to get to you. But that's okay, baseball's nearly back. All I need now is for Heroes to start airing new episodes. Lousy hiatus.
In a 411 PSA, there is still a short time left to get your submissions in to write for 411. The hiring page is RIGHT HERE, and remember, I'm one of those people responsible for making the decision of who writes here. Well, at least Larry asks my opinion before he hires anyone. And it's really simple, you should know what I'm looking for now, but I'll sum it up into a few points: good spelling and grammar, a unique style or gimmick, and please, please, send an actual submission with your email. E-mails that say "I would like to write for 411" and nothing else go right into the trash. Harsh, but true.
Moving on.
Around The Horn
The big news this week is, of course, the steroid scandal perpetuated by a Sports Illustrated article, who really should have better things to do considering the NBA and NHL are in playoff drives, and baseball's finishing up spring training. But no, that would distract from all those "journalists" who know they can say the magic word "steroids" and get the front page story. Hey, guess what, I don't care. If Barry Bonds wants to accept the risks (of which there are, admittedly, many) in order to hit the ball ten more feet, that's his choice. He's a grown man. And pro wrestling isn't even a sport. It's choreographed and predetermined, and you work with your opponent to put on a show. You can't gain an "edge" from taking steroids. You can recover from injuries faster and get a better looking physique, but neither of those can guarantee you a life on top of the card. Bottom line, this falls under my "I don't do it, but I don't care if you do" category, along with pot, alcohol, and one-legged prostitutes. The issue is closed, go bother someone who's more interested in shocking audiences than real stories.
Not that I have real stories, I mostly deal in rumours and hearsay. But I still feel superior to Sports Illustrated somehow. Ego is a wonderful thing.
In a humourous aside, Randy Orton has been pulled from all future media appearances, likely due to being named in the article. Yeah, he's not exactly the one I'd want answering hard-hitting questions about steroid abuse, either. Actually, I wouldn't want him answering soft-hitting questions about…I don't know, kittens or something.
Wade Boggs (he goes down smooth) will be inducting Curt "Mr Perfect" Hennig into the Hall of Fame, William Shatner will induct Jerry Lawler (there's a buddy comedy waiting to happen), and Samu and Rosey, former Superhero in Training, will induct the Wild Samoans. The ceremony will be broadcast March 31st on both USA Network, and TSN in Canada. In an early, prediction, more people will watch this than watch the Tonys.
From the offices of the Brock Watch, Brock's first MMA fight is set to take place on June 2nd, where he will take on Hong-Man Choi. Unless he decides he wants to be a fighter pilot or something before then.
Mick Foley's newest book is a New York Times bestseller, and appears on several other bestseller lists as well. It's not a #1 bestseller, but it's still better than any wrestling book has done since…um…Foley's last autobiography. And yet they won't ask this guy to run Creative for, like a month or so? I guess he knows too much about wrestling or something.
Meanwhile, Bret Hart's autobiography is schedule to be released in September. One wonders if WWE will put any marketing behind it, or just have Shawn Michaels pee on it in the middle of a Canadian ring. It could really go either way.
And before I leave this segment, The Marine has now made more than 40 million dollars domestically (and by domestic, I mean the foreign nation of America) including its theatrical release and DVD rentals. Hopefully, WWE has learned the lesson of Jean Claude Van Damme: your career can live forever if you make hundreds of direct-to-video action movies for tiny budgets. Still, if The Condemned can break a profit (and despite it looking decent, in this summer of massive big budget sequels, that's no guarantee), WWE will be 3-for-3 in making profitable movies. How many distribution companies can boast that all their movies made a profit?
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 03.12.07
WWE
- Beth Phoenix, RAW, out indefinitely as of June 6 (jaw)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Mark Henry, SD!, out 6-8 months as of July 15th (patella)
- Michelle McCool, SD!, out indefinitely (enlarged kidney and electrolyte imbalance)
- Paul Burchill, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 29 (shoulder)
- Rene Dupree, ECW, out indefinitely as of March 2007 (Wellness)
- Rey Mysterio, SD!, out indefinitely as of October 2006 (knee surgery)
- Triple H, RAW, out 4-6 months as of January 7 (torn quadriceps)
TNA
No major injuries.
Transactions
- Rebecca DiPietro, ECW, released from her contract
Also known as "the backstage interview who managed to sound more stoned than RVD while interviewing RVD". Seriously, at least Maria's vapidity is supposed to be a gimmick. When you're obviously reading off cue cards (even if you aren't, which is scary), being hot probably won't save you in a world where hot chicks are 250 grand a dozen.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 03.27.06, and I decided to mock TNA's Lockdown concept….inside the Six Sides of Steel! Come on, it's still funny.
Also, it was the week before WrestleMania, just like it is now! What a coincidence! Anyway, that means that the shows this week will probably feature very little wrestling, so there are no surprise injuries heading into the big show. Of course, there's always one guy who screws up publically somehow and gets fired, but that's a story for after WrestleMania. And in the vein of "no wrestling", I'm calling it now, the Lashley-Vince match ends really quickly when half a dozen people attack Lashley. It's almost a shame that the build has focussed nearly entirely on Lashley, because Umaga, at this point, is a serious underdog, having done nothing that impressive since the match was announced.
Okay, he beat up Jeff Hardy, but was that really impressive?
The Wrestling Fan's Experience
A new batch arrived this past week, proving the power of begging. So, this week's Experience is brought to you by Jordan Priebe.
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I got into wrestling right as the attitude era was starting. I watched the No Mercy ladder match from 99 between The Hardy Boyz and Edge and Christian and I was hooked. To this day I am still a Hardy Boyz fan. I never really watched WCW because all the so called "skanks" in Junior high loved the NWO and you couldn't like the same things that they did. But I started to watch the WWF on a regular basis marking out for The ROCK (still my all-time favorite wrestler), the Hardy Boyz, Kane (in my defense he was a badass in that mask), and to a lesser extent Stone Cold. I am now a big fan of awesome promos because of the banter of the rock, stone cold, kurt angle and triple H. I also loved the fan reaction for even the worst of superstars. (Even for Steve Blackman and Crash Holly) I stopped watching at the end of the summer of 2001. My little brother got me back into wrestling in the summer of 05 when Shawn Michaels turned on Hulk Hogan then turned one of the best heel promos I've ever heard. Plus he had the Montreal crowd in the palm of his hand teasing the return of Bret Hart. Now I have a greater appreciation for all types of wrestling and all types of wrestlers.
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Even Great Khali?
I'm sorry, it slipped out. But if you like The Great Khali, or any other wrestler, and want to tell everyone about it in the best damned Monday news report on the entire Internet, this is your chance. Just send me your best response to one or both of the following statements:
1. Why I am a wrestling fan.
2. How I got into pro wrestling.
The fact that this feature continues to survive is a testament to all of you, the wrestling fans, and I want to keep it going. So send me your stuff, and remember, the next Experience could be yours!
Chris Jacobs had some strange, possibly drunken rambling about Irishness for your consideration.
Im so tired of hearing the whole Im part Irish gibberish, everyone is Irish when its time for St. Patty's day, then you always have the im part Irish crew just cause they think being Irish is supposed to be cool, I WANT PROOF DAMMIT!!!, lol. Not saying you aren't, cause I don't know, but you gotta ,if you really are, get sick of hearing about how everyone thinks they are Irish...
Well, technically I am part Irish…but only a small part and very far back. I do have proof of Scottish ancestry in the form of two different family tartans, but no proof of my Irish heritage outside of a strong love of potatoes.
Anyway, what really bothers me about St Patrick's Day, living in a university town, is that the current generation of university/college students are raging alcoholics. It's not longer "oh, we studied hard and passed a test, let's have a drink to celebrate", it's become "hey, it's a day with a "y" in it, let's get tanked because we're free and have no restrictions from parents". Specificially, the engineering students. You people are supposed to be building structures and machines in the future. When you stumble into my restaurant every week, drunk out of your minds, it really makes me worried for future bridges I may be driving over.
And Matthew Alan Roberts (who will be showing up again in the next few weeks, I guarantee) predicts that WWE will not snap Edge's WrestleMania winning streak in such a cluster of a match. I have to agree that 8 men is probably too many for this match to be that good unless they give it time (although a couple of the TLC's involved 4 teams of 2, and TLC had 9 people involved, although again, they were teams), and they obviously shoved more people in just to get more people on the card. I still don't think Edge is winning, just because there's more places to go in the Edge-Orton breakup angle…even though at this point, who plays the face? Also, Matthew agrees with my prediction that Goldberg will never go to TNA due to the expense involved. Plus, Goldberg can make more money and get about the same exposure doing that Bullrun show, and he doesn't have to do anything other than make smart remarks at each pitstop.
And One To Go On
411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT. That's my report, before we go, we check in with our friend Larry Csonka, for a preview of tomorrow's Your News, My Views. Larry?
Hello, Randle. I see you're still attempting to use my popularity with the fans to get yourself over.
Larry, last I checked, you were the enemy of WWE fans everywhere due to your obvious TNA bias, and the enemy of TNA fans everywhere due to your obvious WWE bias.
That's correct, Randle. But you have to remember, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Therefore, I am the friend of all WWE and TNA fans.
Fair enough. But don't forget ROH fans
Though I'd like to.
They still haven't forgiven you for trashing them several times. Larry, with all these people who hate you, how could you have any fans for me to use for my own purposes?
No fans, eh? And yet I get more e-mail on a daily basis than you get in a month.
That's hardly the point.
Jealous, Randle?
No, not at all. I have a strong bond with my fans that goes beyond e-mail. I treat them like family.
And I treat them like family, too. Like your family.
I don't get it.
I hate your family.
Oh come on, you've never even met my family.
Well, they raised you, didn't they?
Now that's just mean.
I know you stole my bike, Randle!
What? What gave you that idea?
Don't you lie to me, Randle. Denial will only make my vengeance stronger!
I can't wait. Larry Csonka, ladies and gentlemen. I'm outta here, I'll be back next week.
