The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 03.29.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 03.29.2007
Welcome to the WrestleMania Zone…TNA Fans Beware!!!
I'm so fucking spent right now, it's not even funny.
But *ahem*, we are FINALLY at Wrestlemania and I'm quite excited. Okay, that's an understatement. I'm way pumped: like OJ Simpson was when he learned he would get paid money to write "How I Did It." Throw in a couple of beers at the stadium and $100 worth of John Cena merchandise and I think I will have the time of my life.
So with that said, let's get onto this All Wrestlemania, All The Time Edition.
And what better way to start off than with the ever popular Smackdown vs. Raw Simulator!!!
Lackey, take it away:
Wow, it seems like such a long time since I last did one of these. I had planned on Simulating Destination X but my memory card with all the TNA CAWs appears to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Hopefully I'll be able to do them again in time for the PPV after Lockdown so TNA Simulations will return in May. But for now we have the Simulation of the Granddaddy of ‘em All, WrestleMania 23!
Circling to start and an elbow tie-up and Benoit goes behind and gets a takedown. The Wolverine goes to work the leg but MVP kicks him away and takes him down with a shoulder block. MVP goes to a key lock but Benoit quickly fights out of it and comes back with some stiff left hands and a knock down. This time Benoit's leg bar works but MVP is too close to the edge of the ring and grabs the ropes. MVP takes over after a thumb to the eye and hits a double-arm DDT on the champion. Knees to the head by MVP followed up by a series of elbows to the back. Whip into the corner and MVP connects with a clothesline right after. Benoit ducks a right hand and fires off three German suplexes on the challenger. Benoit goes up top but gets crotched by MVP. Benoit crashes to the mat and MVP gets the cover but the Wolverine kicks out at 2. MVP drags Benoit up but the champ surprises MVP with the Crossface! MVP rolls through. MVP gets a small package and that's it @ 4:45!
Winner: MVP
Match Analysis: It was short bun decent. **¼
SvR Prediction: MVP
Daniel Wilcox Prediction: MVP takes it.
Money In The Bank Ladder Match – CM Punk vs. Mr Kennedy vs. Randy Orton vs. Edge vs. Jeff Hardy vs. King Booker
I'll start by saying if this goes more than 30 minutes I'm giving up. Kennedy and Edge pair off while Jeff and Punk double team Booker allowing Orton to drop outside and grab a ladder. Hardy won't let him bring it in though and dives over the top and connects with a plancha. Edge tosses Kennedy to the floor but takes a high knee from CM Punk. Booker comes after Punk and nails a slam followed up by an over theatrical knee drop on the only Extremist. Jeff throws the ladder in there and Edge is the first to try and set it up but it and Edge get knocked down by…something. Kennedy is back in and low blows Booker. Orton and Edge are brawling on the floor and Edge bounces Orton's head off the ring steps which wears himself out. Orton hits a DDT on the floor. Back in and Randy connects with an RKO on Punk! Booker sets up a ladder and begins to climb but Jeff Hardy knocks him off with a dropkick. Edge puts the other ladder into the ring and sets it up in the corner. Booker tosses Kennedy into the ladder and long darts him into the steel! Neckbreaker by Jeff on the King. Edge tosses Jeff to the floor and attempts to climb a ladder. Orton goes up the other side and they exchange blows. Kennedy is back up and pushes the ladder over sending RKO crashing to the floor! Kennedy sets it back up and goes up but is soon sent crashing down by the King. Edge back in and sets someone up for a Spear. He connects with Jeff Hardy! Orton hits his variation of a backbreaker on Edge as Booker and Punk climb the ladder. Punk hooks Booker, SUPERPLEX FROM THE LADDER! It's Jeff Hardy who tries to climb now but is knocked off by Orton who nails a dropkick that takes down about 3 guys! Edge throws Kennedy to the floor and climbs to the top his self, but Punk crotches him. Superkick by Punk to Booker. There's a lot of set up ladder, knock down ladder shit going on here. Jeff climbs a ladder but when he reaches for the briefcase misses and falls off the ladder. Idiot. Booker pulls him back up and nails the Scissors Kick! RKO on Booker! Low blow by Kennedy to Orton but Edge nails Kennedy with the Edge-O-Matic! Edge climbs now but Punk is back from wherever he's been and climbs the other side. Jeff has a second ladder set up and he and Orton climb that one. Edge is holding on to the briefcase as Jeff tosses Orton off of one ladder. Jeff bails again as both ladders collapse, but Edge is swinging from the briefcase and gets it! Edge wins MITB @ 17:52!
Winner: Edge
Match Analysis: Thank God it didn't go too long. It was actually a great match and not too much crap with positioning of ladders and such. Edge keeps the streak alive. ***½
SvR Prediction: Edge
Daniel Wilcox Prediction: Mr Kennedy!
Elbow tie-up, Ashley gets control and takes Melina down. Ashley tosses Melina into a corner and hits a monkey flip out of the corner. Mounted punches by the challenger but misses an elbow drop allowing Melina to take over with some forearms and a scoop slam. Melina's elbow does connect and she applies a chinlock. Ashley comes back with a sunset flip that gets a 2 count. Leg drop by Ashley and then she nails a perfect standing moonsault! Cover gets 2. Front facelock by Melina now but the challenger reverses and catches a DDT that gets the 3 and the title @ just 2:21!
Winner: And NEW Women's Champion, Ashley!
Match Analysis: Wonderful. ½*
SvR Prediction: Ashley
Daniel Wilcox: Ashley
The New Breed vs. The ECW Originals
No 8 Man Tag on SvR so I've got Van Dam, Sandman and Sabu vs. Elijah Burke, Kevin Thorn and Matt Striker. Sandman and Burke start it off. Elijah takes Sandy into a corner and hits a big shoulder charge. Sandman comes back with a right hand and sends Burke against the ropes and back body drops him on the return. Leg drop connects and Sandy tags in RVD. Van Dam goes to the top rope and hits the side kick to knock down Burke. Standing moonsault connects but the NB comes in to break it up. Originals are in and we get a 6 man brawl! Van Dam and Striker are both tossed to the outside while Sabu hits a plancha over the top but only connects with his team mate Rob Van Dam. In the ring Sandman gets planted with a double DDT from Burke and Thorn. Sabu back in and hits a tornado DDT on Thorn. Eventually the illegal men get back on the apron. Van Dam tags in Sabu who comes in and takes Burke down with a headlock take over. Burke takes Sabu down and tags in Thorn who delivers some stiff elbows to the back of the head of Sabu. Slam by Thorn and a tag to Burke. Elijah climbs to the top rope and delivers a big elbow drop that gets a two count. Van Dam runs in and delivers a leg drop before getting back out of the ring. Striker comes in and hits a DDT. It's breaking down again as Sandman is back in and hits a big boot to Striker. Van Dam takes Burke down with a wheel kick as Sabu nails a moonsault off the top and it gets 3 @ 6:00!
Winners: The ECW Originals
Match Analysis: Well it was fun while it lasted. Solid action here. **¾
SvR Prediction: Originals
Daniel Wilcox Prediction: Originals
Kane vs. The Great Khali
Really not looking forward to this one. Side head lock by Khali, arm wrench by Kane, BEAR HUG by The Big Red Machine! This is making me laugh. Kane nails two punches to the nut sack of Khali before hitting a sweet snap powerslam. Whip by Kane and Khali runs into a big boot. CHAIN WRESTLING! Kane works the arm for a bit so Khali headbutts him. Knees to the gut by the Punjabi giant, lots of them. About 10. Khali starts stomping on the knee of Kane then slams the other knee into the mat. Khali walks all over Kane, literally. Knife-edge chops by Khali but he runs into a big uppercut from Kane. HUGE clothesline by Kane! He takes Khali down with a tackle and starts choking him. Khali battles back and nails a big powerbomb and gets a 2 count from it. Kane comes back with rights and hits an ugly looking gut buster before taking Khali into the corner. Big boot by Kane, but Khali gets right back up. Chokeslam by the Big Red Machine! It gets 3 @ 5:15!
Winner: Kane
Match Analysis: This was actually mildly entertaining in weird, sadistic sort of way! The chain wrestling was hilarious and Khali used more moves in this one match than he has done in the last year in WWE. *****! Or, **.
SvR Prediction: Kane
Daniel Wilcox Prediction: Kane
Battle of the Billionaires – Umaga w/ Vince McMahon vs. Bobby Lashley w/ Donald Trump
They circle each other early, and it's Lashley who makes the first move by whipping Umaga into the corner and following up with a snap powerslam. Elbow tie-up and Umaga goes low before sending Lashley into the ropes only for him to stop himself by holding on. Big right by Lashley, headlock takeover. Lashley reverses a whip and grabs a front facelock before crotching the Samoan Bulldozer, which tires Lashley out so Umaga sits on Lashley. Headbutt to the back of the head by Umaga followed by a whip into the corner only for Lashley to come out swinging. Elbow tie-up and now some rights by Umaga. Lashley actually gets some nice mat wrestling in before being tossed to the floor by Umaga who nails a cross body block over the top rope! HOLY SHIT! Torture rack on the floor by Umaga, then back in and Lashley follows. Bobby throws Umaga into the corner and nails a huge shoulder tackle. Lashley blocks a kick and hits a pretty belly-to-belly! The ECW Champ in control until Umaga comes back with a few chops. Another belly-to-belly by Lashley! Umaga is on trouble and gets sent into the rafters with a back body drop. Spear by Lashley and that gets 3 @ 5:44!
Winner: Lashley
Match Analysis: Umaga got his ass beat! At least there were some cool moves/spots in there. **½
SvR Prediction: Lashley
Daniel Wilcox Prediction: Lashley
HBK and Cena staredown and go nose to nose as the bell rings and they sort of measure each other up for a few seconds. Cena with a right hand but Shawn comes back with a few toe kicks. Michaels ducks a clothesline and gets 2 off a school boy. Back up and Cena works the arm of Shawn before nailing the spin-out bomb and delivers some stomps to HBK. Michaels avoids one and charges at the champ but is taken over with a hip toss. Bow and arrow by Cena continuing to work the back. Michaels fights out and gets back up before slapping a front facelock on Cena. Clubbing blow to the back by HBK and Shawn hits a nice backbreaker. Elbow tie-up and Cena comes out on top to deliver a big suplex. Shawn blocks a kick but Cena fires back with right hands and back chops. They go through some chain wrestling before Michaels hits a slam. Cena up but Michaels cuts him off with big right hand. Shawn connects with a backbreaker again and a huge fallaway slam sending Cena to the floor! Michaels measures his man and hits a plancha over the top rope. Both guys back in and Cena hits a sweet dropkick taking down his challenger. The champ goes to a Boston crab now and carries on working the back of HBK. As Cena pulls Michaels up Shawn nails Sweet Chin Music but doesn't go for a pin allowing Cena to recover. Michaels retains the advantage with a sunset flip that gets a long two count from the referee. Powerful Irish whip by Cena sending HBK to the floor and the champ follows up with a slingshot elbow drop that connects perfectly with Michaels! Cena up quickly and ascends the turnbuckles and nails another elbow drop! Cena pulls Michaels up smashes Michaels' head off the ring post three times before rolling back in. HBK in too and nails a swinging neckbreaker. Irish whip by HBK but Cena catches a Lou Thez press coming back! Back to the bow and arrow for Cena but that's not getting the victory so Cena applies the STFU! Michaels fights and refuses to give up! Cena releases the hold and pins HBK for the 3 @ 7:18!
Winner: And STILL WWE Champion, John Cena!
Match Analysis: What a bad ending. Everything was going good until that point. The ending hurt the rating greatly. **¼
SvR Prediction: Cena retains
Daniel Wilcox Prediction: HBK wins
Title vs. Streak here. Knees to the gut by Taker and he just slams The Animal back to the mat. More knees and a huge uppercut from Taker. Batista back up and they start trading blows which Batista eventually gets the better of and takes Taker down with a big shot to the back. Elbows by Batista, Taker sits up and runs into a powerslam that gets a 2 count for the champion. Whip by Batista, sends Taker up but the Phenom counters into a huge DDT! Batista hits some big power moves and a fallaway slam that sends Taker to the floor. That move seems to be popular today. Taker back in but gets some rights from Big Dave – BATISTA BOMB! But Taker's too close to the ropes. The Animal tosses Taker to the floor and lets the referee count to 4 before getting bored and going and getting Taker. Both men back in and The Animal sets Taker up on the top rope. Cole says there'll be no more little Takers. The Deadman fights back with rights and nails a sidewalk slam before going to work the knee of Batista. That is short lived though, as Batista comes back with a huge clothesline. Taker sits up so Batista knocks him down again. Taker up and tosses Batista to the corner – he's too injured to capitalize so Batista throws him to the floor and follows. Outside Batista uses the guard rail to beat Taker down some more before throwing him back in. Deadman comes back with a big boot and then goes OLD SCHOOL! It connects! STO by Batista! Taker sits up and Batista nails another STO and that gets the 3 count at 6:27!
Winner: Batista
Match Analysis: Ha, a total squash! I would laugh so hard if this went down at Mania. It wasn't horrible to watch but it was repetitive and another bad finish to a main event. **
SvR Prediction: Batista retains
Daniel Wilcox Prediction: Taker takes it.
PPV Analysis: That was very very average. Nice to see that there was nothing REALLY bad and some fun matches including MITB 3. I'm sure this Sunday's Mania will be much better. I hope.
Thanks, lackey.
Ahem, what else is there?
Oh, that's right, the signs competition.
MAKE JEFF SIGNS RESULTS
I surely did receive a lot of emails for this competition. Now, it's impossible for me to pick just one so what I am going to do is pick the top # that made me chuckle. I must say that the majority of signs received were definitely from smarks since they were quite negative about the state of the WWE. But why kids? Why no BATISTA or LASHLEY or MACHO MAN signs?
And the winners are…
Aren't Cryme Time #1 Contenders Already? ~ Brendan
The Marine > Suburban Commando ~ Brett
JT Fears the Boogeyman ~ ME (anything Boogeyman related is a plus)
GREAT KHALI CHOP ~ ME
Small > Slimmer ~ ME
10 ~ Justin
CSONKA Killed My Push ~ Bayani
Congratulations to the winners. Make sure you have your binoculars with you when you watch Wrestlemania this Sunday night to see if your sign made it on the program. One other thing, there were no sign suggestions from the ladies. Which sadly leads me to think that only male internet nerds read me. I guess Triple H was always right.
Speaking of Triple H, who else wouldn't be surprised to see HBK win the title only to drop it to HHH at Summerslam?
He is part of the Big Nine ya know… But you don't know who the Big Nine are? Well let me explain then.
THE BIG NINE
From the Wrestling Observer, "The decision had arisen from Vince McMahon's recent concern over the success or lack thereof from the single-brand PPVs, which he began to express after Cyber Sunday and increased tenfold after December to Dismember. The 'big nine' stars, listed as Cena, Michaels, Batista, Undertaker, Triple H, Edge, Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton and Lashley will now be on virtually every PPV, supplemented by workers on the level of Kane, Booker and Kennedy, while those on the level of Paul London & Brian Kendrick will be featured less on PPV, subsequently pushed less on TV, and be in line for fewer bonuses as a result. As well as the wrestling talent, all three announce teams are expected to work every PPV show too."
So great, no tag team title matches on any PPVs now. I think that's exactly what I stated a few weeks back when Vince made the decision to combine every PPV. While this surely is a great way to have "bigger" matches on every PPV and actually be able to accomplish a eight match card without various Diva matches, segments, or the use of the Great Khali, by combining the brands for PPVs, we are exactly where we were in 2003: a overexposed top group of wrestlers and then everyone else biding for TV Time. I really feel bad for London and Kendrick who can't seem to catch a break when it comes to PPV time.
I think Meehan wrote in one of his Saturday columns how this concept could work great if the WWE rotates superstars and main events each PPV. Sadly, all I can see happening is an Undertaker/Edge program that spans six weeks and three PPVs.
Mercury Poisoning in the WWE
Well one person who won't be on any upcoming PPVs is Joey Mercury who was shit-canned a couple of days ago.
The funniest thing about the firing is that there was no mention of any "We wish %n the best in their future endeavors." This omission prompted quite the funny rumor on other wrestling websites that stated that in a rage of anger, Joey Mercury pushed Stephanie McMahon to the ground after hearing that he wasn't scheduled to appear at Wrestlemania. Sadly, this is not the case; rather, WELLNESS~ has claimed another victim/whipping boy.
Billionaire Bitch Slap
Speaking of whipping boys, it looks like Vince is getting the last laugh against the media as he has all the usual AP subjects salivating over the staged McMahon/Trump feud. Considering the media is usually so harsh against the WWE, it's quite funny to see the same people pushing the Battle of the Billionaires match.
Kudos to Vince on this one by allowing Trump to get the upper hand in the whole feud so far (except for the Umaga/Lashley segment on Raw this past week). Take this upcoming segment that will likely be played on Smackdown tomorrow:
At the Wrestlemania 23 press conference, Donald Trump bitch slapped Vince McMahon!!!
Congratulations Vince: by allowing yourself to get punked expect another 100,000 buys for Wrestlemania. Personally, I believe that Wrestlemania will hit 1,000,000 domestic buys. The extremely solid card has been locked for months and has been well promoted over 5 hours of television each week. Throw in the fact that the Wrestlemania name still does wonders for the WWE and this year's show will go down in buyrate history.
Yes, I sound overly optimistic here. But considering that last year's show produced a very healthy 850,000 buys (600K domestic) with a card that's not nearly as appealing as this year's show (to both the smarks and the marks) and I think it's not that hard to imagine WM 23 thwamping last year's numbers. And don't forget about all those WWE fans that smartly saved $40 by passing on No Way Out. They won't be missing this one.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Next week, I'll be back with a Live Report of the show not to mention all the breaking news from Wrestlemania's fallout. With the likely possibility that the next few months will produce some of the WWE's worse television, let's celebrate now while we can. Until then…
Enjoy Wrestlemania 23!
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
