Truth B Told 3.29.07: Wrestlemania Hype Machine
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 03.29.2007
Don’t believe the hype, there is only one true “Main Event” at Wrestlemania this year, and you’d be surprised which match it is. If you said Khali vs Kane…go sit in the corner.
It's been called the "Grandest stage of them all", Wrestlemania weekend is arguably the biggest weekend in all of wrestling, and definitely the biggest in "Sports Entertainment". Hell, even the IWC's anti-WWE Messiah Fed runs a "Super Card" based on providing RoHbots and anti-"e" fans with the best alternative they can to Diva matches and the Great Khali. "All Star Extravaganza III" on March 30th and "Supercard Of Honor II" on March 31st in Detroit is shaping up to be a better show in terms of wrestling and talent. There, I said it, argue if you will, but Ashley, Great Khali, Lashley, and MVP are enough to ensure that WM23 will in no way get as many **** matches as the double shot from RoH. Then again, RoH has no way to even sniff at the kind of impact and grandeur that Wrestlemania can produce. Sorry RoHbots, but you know deep down in your black...black hearts it is true. Even with a card that some, myself included, could be a very top heavy and inconsistent show. Regardless, Wrestlemania is going to mean big things for WWE and wrestling fans all over the world this weekend. But what will it mean for the wrestlers? Maybe much more, or a great deal less than you realize.
I want to throw out a couple of matches for your consideration:
WWE Title Match
John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
World Title Match
Batista vs. The Undertaker
Battle of the Billionaires
Umaga w/ Vince McMahon vs. Bobby Lashley w/ Donald Trump
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. King Booker vs. Finlay vs. CM Punk vs. Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy
These are the 4 matches that are going to actually amount to something after all is said and done when you wake up Monday morning and re-hash the events that unfolded during WM23. The Women's Title Match, US Title Match, New Breed vs Originals, and Kane vs Khali just don't seem to matter much. I think we can all agree the Women's title is worthless, Kane has little to gain or lose against Khali, Khali will probably never become significant in the fan's eyes unless he actually kills Kane in the ring…literally. Benoit has cemented his legacy already as of 3 years ago and MVP's predicted, "Tainted Victory" over the ‘Rabid Wolverine' won't mean jack if the belt leads him to be less Cena/Eddie/Booker T than Orlando Jordan. I think the New Breed vs Originals match is also going to be a bit underwhelming considering the limitations of most of the participants involved. At least an elimination match has potential, but considering how badly they've sh*t on the originals, one would assume their demise is at hand and who can get pumped up about Tommy Dreamer facing a Vampire? Really, when all is said and done this is one of the most polarized WM's in sometime.
So on to the 4 matches that people really DO care about. And please, look deep into your heart and tell me Melina and Ashley is going to be a scheduled ‘potty break' for 98% of the audience? Yeah, I thought so. Well as it stands there look to be some significant matches on the Wrestlemania card. For starters, this is really Bobby Lashley's "coming out party". By "coming out party" I mean being pushed on every brand show for the past month and Vince having enough faith to basically put him in the REAL "Main Event" at Wrestlemania, not in the "Ryan Seacrest's 32nd Birthday part at the ‘Bottoms Up' club in West Hollywood" kind of way. Clearly they are pushing Lashley as the next big thing despite his shortcomings on the microphone. Really they have done this at the expense of Umaga. Not to say they aren't still pushing Umaga as a monster, but the fact is that he's getting almost no kind of real push as a result and Vince himself is soaking up all that heat that could be going to him. The results of this match are a foregone conclusion here at Trump has nothing to gain by getting shaved so it's obvious Lashley will be responsible for shaving Vince's hair and be the new protagonist to this new chapter of Vince vs (insert wrestler). Still, at this point since the match results are all but decided and Lashley can't be pushed any further than he has been up to this point, especially until they figure a way for him to cut a promo without me wanting to say "suffering sucatash", then the match up isn't really the most important match on the card. The only significance would be if Lashley actually lost…but the chances of that happening and Trump shaving his head? Probably about the same as Miss America being reinstated without having to pop a squat on ‘Trump Towers'.
Now as far as the other "Main Events" go, I want you to consider something for those of you who watched RAW this week. All 4 participants were in the ring, which represented the 4 true "Superstars" of the WWE. This should have been huge. Imagine seeing Austin vs The Rock vs HHH vs Foley in the ring way back during the ‘Attitude Era'. Imagine Hulk Hogan vs Ultimate Warrior vs Randy Savage vs Andre ‘The Giant', or Flair vs Steamboat vs Sting vs Harley Race. For some reason seeing those four guys in the ring just doesn't match up. It just didn't seem as ‘special'. I couldn't figure it out either until it hit me. All of those guys, with the except of Cena (and even THIS is in dispute) are on the downsides of their careers. It's true, they all have a little bit of run in them, but it's clear that HBK and ‘Taker just can't do what they used to do on a regular basis anymore. It's not about pulling out a good match on a PPV every other month, it's about doing it every week and those guys have given so much of their bodies that they just can't anymore. Batista has lost that "coolness" about him that only a semi or full heel turn could get back, even then it's clear his peak was at the culmination of his feud with HHH. Even the most "over" of the bunch, Cena, was being booed when he was against ‘Taker, it was clearly audible during RAW. It just lacked a certain…something.
Maybe it's me being overly critical or "anit-WWE", but I don't think so. I watch RAW regularly and Smackdown every once in a while, but it just didn't feel as important, especially seeing 2 of the "e's" biggest stars of the past decade in what should be the last year of their ‘main event' status. Not so much because they can't "go", but because they shouldn't have to. They shouldn't have to carry the show anymore, but because of Vince's inability to make new stars (clearly he's rushing Lashley to make up for that fact) they are in spots they probably shouldn't be. HBK and ‘Taker should be making stars at this point in their career. I can't see HBK making Cena a bigger star at this point. Cena's popularity has nothing to do with his wrestling ability at this point, it was obvious when he faced Benoit last week and made him tap in a 6 MINUTE MATCH where he got in a few punches and a total of 3 actual wrestling moves. Cena's star won't be diminished based on him losing to HBK, likewise HBK's legacy isn't diminished by losing to Cena, perhaps his popularity will increase a bit by default approval from Cena haters, but that's about it. This is more about pitting the two biggest stars on RAW against each other rather than making a new one. If you're a Cena mark you don't care WHO he goes through. But if you are an HBK mark, then you want to see him put on the best wrestling show he can, you want an Angle/HBK WM22 type of match, not an HBK/Hogan from Summerslam match. For as much as this match could be, this is no Rock vs Hogan at the Skydome.
Likewise for ‘Taker vs Batista, the point of this match is to pit the two most over guys on the brand against each other. Batista could use the win over Undertaker as it would be quite a feather in his cap, the only problem with that is Batista seems like a short term answer as champion. Maybe a year or two from now he'll probably be shunted down the card or retired, the temporary gain for Batista wouldn't be enough to tarnish one of the greatest records in WWF history for. Undertaker, on the other hand, doesn't really need a win over a big star, especially one who is being counted on to help carry a brand already being treated like a red-headed stepchild. Undertaker winning the belt would be a nice feel good moment in Wrestlemania, but it would pale to seeing Benoit win his title, and Eddie and him in the ring at the end of WMXX. It wouldn't have the same impact as Batista winning HIS title over Triple H as it wouldn't be anointing a new star, just rewarding the efforts of a future Hall of Famer, much in the same vein as Misterio's win last year which was a bit underwhelming. I believe that if this match goes up last on the card, the win for ‘Taker is in the cards as ending the show with a Batista win and ‘Taker loss would seem anti-climactic. They really made a bad booking decision by having ‘Taker face ‘Tista instead of Cena, because a Cena win might be more stomachable considering he IS the next Hulk Hogan after all. I think most Undertaker fans would agree that Batista may not be the best choice to put on an epic match with the Deadman. Cena or, more to the point, HBK would be a far better choice. If they had pulled the trigger earlier and let 'Taker or HBK go into WM with the title, then HBK vs Undertaker could have been that epic "Icon vs Icon" match that would have blown the roof off the joint. Plus, if they are waiting for a Cena vs Batista show down to really draw, they might as well do it now before Batista gets hurt again, no guarantees in wrestling when it comes to health you know.
The results of these matches really won't change much for these wrestlers. Cena beating HBK will just be another booking decision to cement Cena as Vince's anointed torch bearer. HBK's win would be a nice surprise and allow Cena to chase the belt again, but that just gives Cena another opportunity to add another title reign to his belt when he wins it a few months later and HBK doesn't need the belt again to be "over" with the fans nor raise his profile. That goes the same with Undertaker. Batista's win would be an accomplishment, but unless they are planning to let him be the defacto #2 guy in the company for years to come, it's ultimately wasted. It's not Batista's lack of "Big Wins" that has diminished his status in the eyes of some ‘marks' and a lot of ‘smarks', it's the quality of feuds and character development. So unless it translates into a heel turn, no big deal. Think, Stone Cold at Wrestlemania 17, but without McMahon involvement and done more successfully as fans would be more willing to accept Batista as a heel than the uber-face Austin. With that in mind, I'd push ‘Taker/Batista a bit higher in term of importance between the two matches.
So really that leaves us with one match. One match that really has the significance and meaning that Wrestlemania is all about. "Money in the Bank" is simply that for one lucky superstar. The creative team has done a great job of building that match and putting over the fact that a superstar is almost guaranteed to parlay that into a WWE championship as a result (let's not kid ourselves, who wins MitB and goes for the ECW or Smackdown titles??). This is huge, because it means months and months of built in storylines for one man. It means top status for the winner and the possibility to break through from "on the cusp" to smack down in the middle of "stardom". In the past the booking team has used it to propel Edge into the top Heel on RAW…well theoretically, except for that HHH guy. They also used it to promote the launching of the 3rd "brand" ECW. Now it looks like it could launch another fringe "star" into that next level.
Look at the participants for that match and tell me that at least half of these guys aren't 1 big title win and successful title reign away from joining Lashley on the next level to stardom:
Edge, CM Punk, Randy Orton, Ken Kennedy, Matt Hardy, King Booker, Fit Finlay, and Jeff Hardy
Really I have to place the importance of winning that match in that order. I think that really speaks for itself without any explanation needed.
Oh…it does need explanation? Well fine then.
Edge is really 1 slow rehabilitation away from being THE biggest heel on not only RAW but in the entire WWE. With one more title win and an unbeaten streak of his own, he could cement himself as the top guy to replace HHH when his elbow falls off next time. This is the possibility to create your new HHH or Flair (to a lesser degree of course) and finally take the next step to find a younger and less injury prone top heel to take over the company. Really Edge is the most ready and equipped to take the plunge, even if it is going the safe route considering it already worked once…to a degree. Those damn bookers…*shakes fist*. Then again, do you really want to put your belt around a self professed steroid user with the scandal breaking? Medical prescription or not.
I know right now Mr. Kennedy is the other front runner besides Edge to win this match, but I think there is something that is missing from him that keeps him from being a top level heel champion. Sure the guy can cheat and cut a decent promo, but there is something unique and special missing. He doesn't excel in any one area or have the gimmick, background, or reputation needed to get over at this top level yet. One thing CM Punk has is a little of all that. Don't get me wrong, Kennedy isn't bad in the ring or wouldn't make a passable champion, but at this point I don't see the polish yet or the ability to draw in a new audience at least not the same way I do for Punk. The man has the goods in the ring and on the microphone as his run in RoH can attest to. He has a great gimmick ready made for taking on face champions who look almost ‘unnaturally' big for their size, as well as pissing off fans and other minor heels. ESPECIALLY in ECW.
Who doesn't think a well timed shoot/work program about "wellness" isn't ripe for the pickings? If the WWE wants to build a new feud as well as take away viewers from TNA or bring RoH into the fold, letting the IWC's darling and KENTA plagiarist win this match could be a HUGE step in taking a look into the next decade. At best, Edge vs Cena is a safe program you can revisit, Kennedy vs Cena is just Edge/Jericho-lite, but CM Punk vs John Cena could be such a vastly new and fresh concept that we may have found our new Austin/Rock for the 2000's. At the very least, pushing a guy who you KNOW isn't involved in any drug or sterioid scandal would be good press and a way to take the heat off of guys like Orton and Edge who are now under an even bigger microscope. "Living the gimmick" in this case might not be so bad.
I think the match itself has been set up well in terms of the slow and subtle build as it needs little hype to the degree the other "Main Event" matches needed and I know a lot of people who were underwhelmed with the prestige of the rest of the card but are expecting MitB to carry the card quality wise as well as the anticipation to see who the next "golden boy" is going to end up being. Randy Orton already being the "golden shower boy", my hope is that one of the two men mentioned will end up going over in that match. Right now there are 2 legitimate ex-Champions in the match to give it credibility, 2 savvy ring veterans who can help set the pace and call the match, 2 veterans of ladder matches who know how to take and execute big spots, and finally two up and coming stars who have really carved out a good niche and fan support in the past 6 months. Really, this is the kind of match that makes stars, not recycles old ones into matches that ultimately mean little when all of the men involved already have multiple title reigns.
To me "Money in the Bank" is the kind of match that personifies Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania is about making stars and putting on matches that help define a wrestler's career as they sky rocket to the top. Hulk vs The Rock was a different kind of match that felt electrifying and special in it's own way, the same could be said for when Andre "passed the torch" to Hulk 20 years ago. Right now there isn't a "torch passing" match on the card as the next "Hogan" on the card already has the torch. Steamboat vs Savage stole the show 2 decades ago in a match that didn't even headline the event. But as well as that match had been set up, much like Lashley/Umaga, the focus was on the participants and NOT the men in their corners, also no one would expect that quality of match to come from those two men. The unforgettable image of Eddie Guerrero and a teary eyed Chris Benoit meeting in the center of the ring after each man held a title in their arms after their big WM wins is undeniable. Can someone say the same thing for an Undertaker or HBK win when they've already had their big WM matches in the past? But above all that are the star turns like Stone Cold's bloody face 10 years ago as he refused to give in to the sharpshooter or Batista completing one of the best blow offs to a feud in the past 5 years as he destroyed HHH that really made Wrestlemania special for me. All I ask for out of Wrestlemania is a great wrestling match or a great Wrestlemania moment as the "next big thing" is crowned. Look up and down the card and in your heart of hearts…do you really believe Cena or Batista or Undertaker have it in them to give us another Benoit/HHH/HBK or Savage/Steamboat quality match? I didn't think so. So I really believe that MitB is the best chance to save this year's Wrestlemania. Sure it isn't HBK vs Razor Ramon or the Hardyz/Dudleyz/E&C…but then again, for one man, it could be much, much more than that.
The Truth
For the record, I believe the Cena/HBK match is going to be pretty good. Not, GREAT, but good. I think Cena will go over and we'll be back to square one where he'll end up feuding with the MitB match winner. The stupid move here was hyping Cena or HBK "turning" on the other one. There is no way to "turn" on your Wrestlemania opponent when it is for the WWE Title. You're not a ‘face' or ‘heel' when it is about the "richest prize in the industry", it's just about winning. So saying anyone turned on anyone is stupid. Batista vs Undertaker could be interesting as I think ‘Taker will win and Batista will get a much needed heel turn to freshen up his character after that happens. He won't turn at ‘Mania but soon after. A good match, a nice moment, but like the other match, nothing earth shattering. The "Battle of the Billionaires" is just that, a decent wrestling match served only to put over Trump and McMahon. Lashley's push towards "the next big thing" has started and I fear, it will end right after Vince gets shaved because he'll be put back on the "C" show right after. For me, it's all about the "Money in the Bank". Because the "e" can go along way in either legitimizing a former champion or building up a new one. At this point there are no horrible decisions but only 3 really good ones. Edge, CM KENTA…I mean Punk, and Mr. Kennedy are all great choices, but my pick is CM Punk.
Oh, I don't think he'll win, I think Mr. Kennedy will be the guy, but a choice as earth shattering as Punk winning the match would be something that could spark a new age in booking and would be a kick in the ass the WWE has needed for quite some time. It would be the first real battle of Smarks vs Marks as Cena and Punk could bring about a change in the way we view the "e" and would most definitely signal a ripple effect throughout the industry, from Indy wrestling, to RoH, to TNA (you don't think a Samoa Joe title reign would be inevitable after a CM Punk MitB win?). It's time for the "e" to take a chance. If they can push a Samoan savage with a gangsta tattoo on his belly and a "grill", why can't they push a straight edger? Wrestlemania may be the launching pad and defining moment for one lucky superstar. You can guaren-damn-tee that it just won't be the Superstar that Vince wants you to believe it will be.
Coming Up Short
All this talk about Edge's "Streak" is just silly. He's been undefeated in 5 WM matches. Big deal. At this point it shouldn't be about one man's streak, it should be about booking. Besides, no one gives a ring rat's ass about a streak if your two title reigns look weaker than RAW Divas match. I do think that the "e" cares though because they keep talking about it so they have one of 3 ways to go here. Either have Edge win the MitB match for the 2nd time in 3 years, which would seem ridiculous. Have Edge lose the title because of Orton and have them feud in a Heel vs Heel angle which never seems to pay off. PLUS, add to the fact that Orton doesn't need or deserve that kind of ‘rub'. Or, my choice, have Edge and Orton somehow take each other out BEFORE the match which leads to a feud down the line AND keeps his streak in tact because he didn't "technically" have a match. It could also work if Orton takes out Edge before the match so he isn't "technically" in the match, then when Orton is about to win, Edge hobbles out to spear him or hit him with a chair, thus not handicapping the match too much with the loss of only one worker. I think this could work. But knowing Vince, somehow, I think we'll end up with Lil' Bastard actually winning the match. Even though a 5 – 0 record means nothing to me personally, I just think there has to be a better way of keeping Edge's streak alive without letting him dominate the last 3 years that doesn't come up short.
6 Degrees of…
Holy crap, I actually won? Anyway, April Fools Day is coming up, so I figured to go with Doink the Clown for your next 6DO.
Vincent Chiucchi
Fun fact about April 1st, Randy Orton was born on the 1st and mega hot Asian model Sung Hi Lee as well. Meaning two of the finest pussies to ever grace God's green earth were brought into this world on the same calendar day. Well I was going to delve into some connection to "Clown porn" but decided not to. Please, any ‘Wanna B' can talk about Clown porn. I have to go a step above and beyond. So we're going with another April 1st B-day…
Scott Stevens. Which…means nothing to anyone unless you live in Jersey or Canada. Which…is sad. Real sad. Tell ya what…to make it up those folks…an extra Asian Bitch this week…*HOORAY*. But for the rest of you, a shot at 6DO glory and I expect plenty of Canadians and dudes with Journey shirts and mullets to enter this week.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Hey man,
I'm in my last year at college on a media degree, and I'm looking to do mine on New Jack and how he was used to represent blackness in the south and the north. Only thing is, I don't know which pivotal fueds he really had in ECW, and I was wondering if you could help me out. I have a tape of the Gangstas in SMW and the interviews he did with the watermelon and the fried chicken, but did he have aby similarly charged interviews in ECW? The angle I'm going for is that down South New Jack was portrayed as more of a political threat, with lawyers, public enemy and affirmative action, yet in ECW when it became all about New Jack the political edge kinda went, and the ruthless gangsta element was heightened, making him more of a psycho. If you could let me know what you reckon, and if there's any interviews online or anything that you know of that could help, it would be legendary.
Thanks for any help you can offer. Jza.
Well Jza, I'd have to first off point you to the New Jack "shoot" interview available at highspots.com or rohwrestling.com. Also the "101 Reasons not to be Pro Wrestler" DVD as well. There is a review of said shoot interview HERE in case your measly little student paycheck doesn't allow for the real thing. I'm sure that you can type in "New Jack Shoot" in youtube and get something, but really those are the best two places for info. Oh, you also feel free to use this column in your annotated bibliography.
Brian Maglicic tries to set me straight on Edge…not straight edge…but Edge Stra….never mind.
Hey I was just reading your article. It was pretty good. I live in canada and we sports network (tsn) its canadian espn. There is a show called off the record. They have wrestlers on the show all the time doing 1/2 hr one on one interviews. Edge and christian were on the show and Edge admitted to using Roids but he says he has been clean for over a year now.
You know, you think teaming up with, rooming with, and being so close to a "Christian" would have set the right example for Edge. I actually read that news bit before I submitted my column last week, but c'mon…the Edge/Nicole Richie joke was just too tempting. Besides, clearly Edge got off the juice right after he re-debuted when his injury had healed up. Go take a look at the pics of him when he came back to RAW and now. The guy has less muscle on him now than Lita's vagina.
6 Degrees Results
Until I checked my e-mail this morning, it looked like I had no entries this week…I guess the lazy bird gets the worm this week.
#3
Mark Satrang
B--
Did a count and a little research and I am actually up to 9 wins on 6Do. I think if I hit 10 I will take a hiatus, really pull a Jeff Jarrett or Triple H as you have called me in the past.
Anyways heres a bit for this week's London to the Clash...
The Clash's lead singer was Joe Strummer, who now has a song named after him and honoring him by New Orlean rock band Cowboy Mouth...
Cowboy Mouth's latest CD is called Voodoo Shoppe...
A man who once frequented a voodoo lifestyle was Papa Shango...
Papa Shango and his alter ego Kama both had fueds with Undertaker...
Undertaker and Shawn Michaels put on a helluva performance together at Royal Rumble 2007...
Shawn Michaels' Texas Wrestling Academy was responsible for the training of Paul London...
Mark also mentioned he's now writing for a "rival" website. Which is cute and all, but until you cut your teeth in the "Big Leagues" then it's all just Dark Matches and "Sunday Night Heat". That being said, I'm really just the Funaki of this site anyways, so maybe I don't have room to talk....INDEED!!
#2
Greg Pryor clocks in at #2 this week despite his pleas for mercy:
I need to win this...i need to win this more than you could ever imagine. Just a little tribute there to Stone Cold in his pre-wrestlemania x7 interview with the rock, the best build up ever...its strange as much as I love wrestling...its just not the same anymore ...anyway!
My 6D0 entry this week was done completely off the top of my head in work when I was bored...the internet went down so this is being copied off a scrap of paper I wrote it on!
1) The Clash performed the song I fought the Law
2) Law is a charecter from the game tekken as is Nina
3) Nina Meyers is a charecter from 24 who screwed over her former man
4)Lita screwed former man Matt Hardy in a ladder match to have him banished from raw to SD!
5) Matt Hardy has recently been fueding with Joey Mercury.
6) MNM lost their tag titles to brian kendrick and Paul London.
1) Paul London is the tag partner of Brian Kendrick
2) Brian Kendrick used a finisher called sliced bread
3)A type of sliced bread is Warburtons whose commercials were directed by Ridley Scott Director of Bladerunner
4) Bladerunner star harrison ford starred with Sean Connery in Indiana Jones III
5) Sean Connery was killed in the movie the Untouchables with a Tommy Gun
6) Tommy Gun is a song made famous by the Clash
1) The Clash penned the song London Calling
2) Which is featured in bond movie die another day
3) A portion of that movie takes place in cuba
4) A wrestling gimmick who was supposed to be from cuba originally was Razor
Ramon/scott hall
5) Razor Ramon teamed with ric flair at Survivor Series 1992
6) During the build up to WM X8 against the undertaker Ric Flair accidently hit a "fan" (plant) who was played by Paul London.
Sorry Greg, just a little short, although clearly the 2nd entry was the strongest. I think somehow the mention of Harrison Ford in a non Hans Solo role just knocked you down a peg.
#1.
Fred Smith sounds like a fake name for a reference on your resume. Chances are if you tell someone you worked somewhere, there will be a Fred Smith there to back you up. "Fred? Oh…I know Fred… how is that old so and so doing?":
I hate to argue with a wrestling aficionado such as yourself, but attached is an article claiming that Rob Kellum quit WCW before they gave the title to David Arquette, not after.
Either way, I can't seem to crack 2nd place. Here's this week's attempt to vault into 1st:
1. The Clash released the single "Rock The Casbah" in 1982, which was about Iran's outlawing of rock music.
2. My, and everyone's favourite I'm sure, wrestler 'from' Iran was The Iron Shiek. ("Russia, number vun! Iran, number vun! USA, Canada, ack-ptuey!")
3. The Iron Shiek won the WWF heavyweight title back in 1983 when he beat Bob Backlund.
4. Bob Backlund lasted over 61 minutes in the 1993 Royal Rumble, a record not broken until 2004 by Chris Benoit.
5. Chris Benoit was a legendary member of the 1995 reformed Four Horsemen, which had Ric Flair as its leader.
6. In a 2002 episode of Smackdown!, Ric Flair was arrested for hitting a fan, the fan being Paul London in his first national TV appearance.
I actually read references where it stated he quit before and after. I don't mean he actually quit before the Arquette title reign, then got rehired and quit again after…I meant separate articles said he quit either time. Nevermind. Point is, I'm only half wrong, maybe…I think. To be honest, I felt the "Rock the Casbah" link was one of the strongest and most unique links of the 3 so there you go. Rock da Casbah. Then again, I also thought Casbah was another name for a woman's…uh… so congrats "Fred" you old so and so, you get your pick of next week's 6DO.
Left Overs…
A new wrestling school is set to open up in Dudleyville, okay Kissimmee FL. Actually. You can be trained by Brother Ray, Brother DeVon…and…..Matt BENTLEY!! So not only will you learn the basic holds and wrestling locks, but you'll also learn about promos, ring psychology, violence against women, and applying your eye shadow liberally.
Jushin Lyger walks away with the "Open The Dream Gate" title in Dragon Gate. NJPW star stealing a DG title? Geez, I guess RoH gets to steal the IWGP title from New Japan right? Or maybe there is a fourth party involved I don't know of yet? Hey, what did Ricky Banderas do with that title again?
You have to wonder what the worst thing Randy would have said if allowed to talk to the media. "Look, I don't take steroids, the only thing ever shot into my ass was Triple H's....um...when my title was...um..*sobs*...I don't...I don't want to talk about it..."
PWG ASW5 is coming up next week. Check out the line-up. Pretty impressive huh? We got Japanese, Samoan, Canadian, English, Swiss, and Mongrol Cambod-o Ricans. Damn, that is international. Someone better be serving pancakes at this mug.
Sabu was wearing Davari's tights last week. He was also wearing his booking as well.
WWE released ECW Diva Rebecca DiPietro. Damn, that's two ‘zombies' they've released in the past year.
Mid-Card jobber, Chris Masters is undergoing hair restoration. While WM main event star HBK is choosing to hope his ponytail covers his shame. I guess the lower down on the card you are...the more important a full head of hair is. Hmmm... that explains why Kenny Dykstra recently wrestled a ‘dark match' with an afro.
Speaking of HBK, why the HELL was he so damn orange on RAW this week? I swear, he looked like that damn dinosaur on those Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercials...I kept expecting him to ride out on a wedge of cheddar through a river of noodles.
Mark Henry worked house shows in Mexico over the weekend. Which confirms that conventional wisdom that trips to Mexico can result in the worst case of the "shits" ever.
I keep waiting for Don West to offer me a FREE Shaquille O'neal Gem Mint rookie card when I buy the "Best of D-Ray 3000" DVD for $2.99 during ‘TNA Today'. For an extra $1 D-Ray will actually come to your house and re-enact the matches.
Joey Mercury was released this week. Yeah, that Mercury, he was always running hot and cold in the company. With the climate in the locker room after the steroid and drug scandal the writing was on the wall. Really, Mercury had ‘heat' backstage already. And....no more temperature jokes.
Last week's Smackdown drug testing was reported as "random and unannounced". Which is true, unless you are mentally retarded or the biggest moron on the planet because anyone who heard about Sports Illustrated breaking the scandal would have to figure that a round of testing would be coming up soon and would prepare himself appropriately for an "unannounced" round of tests. Meaning Chris Masters still has no idea what's going on.
The 4/28 RoH show in Chicago will have a six man mayhem match involving: Mike Quakenbush vs. Delirious vs. Kevin Steen vs. Gran Akuma vs. Jigsaw vs. Hallowicked. Making it a CHIKARA 5 man match and…Kevin Steen. Which is just awkward…for Steen. In order for "Mr. Wrestling" to not feel out of place however, the other guys agreed to let him wrestle in a more CHIKARA-like gimmick that goes along with his current character: Proactiv Dragon.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Man, why would you want to put stickers on something that beautiful...the car, not the woman...I have a few things I'd like to stick on her.
*This one is for all you Benoit ‘marks'* Go back and watch the "main event" from RAW last week. The finishing sequence was a shoulder block from Cena, a ‘spinning back drop', the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, and an FU attempt turned into drop toe hold and an STFU. That was it. That 1 minute sequence was all it took to beat Benoit in a 6 minute match. Man, John Cena finishes off men faster than Lita ever could....even using her toes.
I haven't seen someone manhandle Balls the way Snitsky has on Tuesday since. Shit, when is that porno due back? Damn it...I'll be right back, just throw in a Lita reference that you like best.
Rumor has it that Orlando Jordan will be working in New Japan this spring. This will mark the first time that a Geijin wrestler will be accompanied to the ring by dancing Harajuku Boys.
Bonus Wrestlemania: Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic
Funny, she has "Destiny" written on her ass. If she ever decided she wanted that erased, I'm sure I could "white it out" for her.
As poetic as it was for Vince to talk all that shit about Lashley, only for Lashley to call him a "bastard" and "Son of a Bitch". How much better would it be for Lashley to have waited for Vince to stop talking, look directly in the camera and simply say, "Vince, in 5 days…I am going to rape your bald white ass". Fin.
Pimpin' In High Places
Man, it's newb week this week as a lot of debuts went down. Soon it will be like the "New Breed" vs the 411 Originals. In that equation, somehow I'm Snitksy...what can I say...I love the feet:
Ask 411 is a fountain of knowledge. Just don't get caught with your mouth on the spigot. Or maybe Cook prefers it...I dunno, it's his column.
Jules has his top 23 WM matches. Which is 13 longer than he's allowed usually. Meaning he'll return again in 2.7 weeks with a new edition.
O'Dog says Fridays killed Smackdown. I blame The Miz, but to each their own.
Newbie Matt Short writes about NOAH. So...it's a "Short column". Yeah, um....yeah.
Vinz is in a time warp with Lance Hoyt. Or in a nexus with Test. I'm not sure which....someone check for the "tramp stamp".
Adamson is another newb. So...go point and laugh...then read his column. Then feel free to point and laugh some more.
CoH features the preview of the Super Weekend for RoH. They got Dragon Gate and stables galore alright...but do they have....billionaires? How about letting Oprah wrestle delirious or something?
Threat x 3 features an interview with the Lovely Lacey. I wonder if the other two guys just listened from the closet and...well...you know. Hey, I would have.
Berman hosts the RoH round table this week for the double card this weekend. That Berman, every time he hosts he doesn't even buy the good chips and always leaves us with Shasta.
D-Dubya continues to infringe on my pics of hot women in his column...then cancels the whole thing out by posting the gayest picture of HBK that has ever been in existence. So...we'll just pretend we didn't see that.
Wrestlemania is this weekend. I'm sure I'll find someplace to watch it. BTW, I just downloaded Andy Milonakis' 3rd season first episode on iTunes for FREE. Two things, 1. did you know Andy is in LA now? And so am I. Maybe I'll run into him at a gym...err...high fashion clothing st....um...Fatburger one day. The episode is not bad, it's kind of like watching homeless people having sex on a public bus... only more awkward. Or like reading Heat Recap... Oh well, at least it didn't feature a diva's match. I guess the only useless pussy on his show is...him. Okay kids, enjoy Wrestlemania and remember, friends don't let friends hook up with fat ring rats. I'm just kidding, of course they do...then they tape it.
