Greetings, all. And welcome back to The MeeThinks Saturday Spectacular! This week, as y'all know, there's a certain little pay per view scheduled for tomorrow night... and so I thought it was only fair to break from our usual news-only format as we wound down the final stretch to you-know-what. As a result, a lot of what you'll read below contains a week's worth of all sorts of news nuggets, late-breaking rumors, general gossip and the like... but they're broken down in a match-by-match format so that we can size up the show's matches in a positive, one-at-a-time approach.
Yup... it's The Grandaddy of Them All, The Night Where The Lights Shine the Brightest, The Grandest Stage of Them All, The Big Dance, The Main Event, The Be-All-and-End-All, The Cornerstone of Sports Entertainment, the one, the only...
WrestleMania 23
So let's skip the rest of the news (Masters is getting hair plugs, Joey Mercury got fired) and jump right into things, yes?
Rock & roll.
This week, we're breaking down the news, notes and rumors in accordance with how they fit into each of the matches scheduled for the big pay per view. While we're at it, we'll be fielding WrestleMania trivia, stats and win/loss records (I think you'll be surprised to see just how many performers can claim "unbeaten" streaks at WrestleMania, actually!)... and since it's only fitting, we'll be offering up "MeeThinks" as to who all should/might/will walk out of WrestleMania with their hands held high.
Oh yeah...
And join Mee at the bottom of this week's column for an EXCLUSIVE YOUTHINKS READER MAIL from a former ECW Extremist. Or at least someone claiming to be him, that is...
No joke!
But for now, let's look at tomorrow night's card, eh?
Smackdown! vs. RAW: Interpromotional Match Kane [4-4] vs The Great Khali [WM Debut]
Based on the booking rolling into tomorrow night's showdown, Kane has taken a few beatings but still has managed to get the best of Khali by "hook" (wink) or by crook. You know the drill -- Khali runs from hooks, Khali runs from fire, and Khali's little buddy got his ass handed to him courtesy of The Big Red Machine. Realistically, 50/50 booking says that since Kane has been looking strong going into the match (though the announcers may have you believe he's simply the underdog "out for revenge"), Khali needs the win here if he's going to be kept on television as a marketable "monster" threat.
Also...
Word 'round the webz is that Kane is scheduled to take some time off after WrestleMania to get some long-overdue knee surgery. Bearing that in mind, it really doesn't seem all that logical that he'd be getting the win here.
However --
WWE could just as easily give Kane the win only to have Khali wreak havok *after* the match is over (that way you've got an insta-feud as soon as Kane returns)... so we might look for Khali to cause a kayfabe "injury" to the Big Red Machine as the match wraps (or shortly therafter), which could keep the angle "hot" (no pun intended) while still being very effective in putting the Punjabi Giant over as a legit "monster-killer.
MeeThinks?: Post-match "I won but then got beat up" injury angles are a WrestleMania rarity... but with Kane due for time off and Khali winless against people who matter (ever since losing to The Undertaker)? Smart money is on Khali to come out of this one with a win AND an injury to Kane to his credit.
Team Battle: ECW Originals vs The New Breed Tommy Dreamer [WM Debut], RVD [3-0], Sabu [WM Debut], and Sandman [WM Debut] vs. Elijah Burke [WM Debut], Marcus Cor Von [WM Debut], Kevin Thorn [WM Debut], and Matt Striker [WM Debut]
Little known fact: RVD is ALSO "unbeaten" at WrestleMania, ya' know...
But forget wins and losses, teams, beefs and old vs. new stables going into this match -- what will be the deciding factor as to who gets the win in this showdown is actually quite beside all that nonsense. You see, the main question at issue in determining the winner of "Originals" vs. "New Breed" is simple:
Which employee does WWE value more -- Rob Van Dam, or CM Punk?
If the answer is Rob Van Dam, then logic tells us that WWE will do whatever they can in order to keep the guy on their payroll and prevent him from signing with TNA. That means they'll keep his buddies employed, push the "Originals" and the "authentic ECW" whenever possible, and give him and those he's friendly with the big win on the biggest night of the company's calendar year. If WWE doesn't mind Van Dam jumping to TNA, however... well, you can expect the opposite.
Enter CM Punk --
If WWE decides that a New Breed vs. CM Punk "join or die" angle (like Punk vs. The Spirit Squad in OVW) is more profitable/marketable than a New Breed vs. ECW Originals angle, then they're likely to pull the trigger on that one sooner than later. This means the New Breed won't need The Originals around to beat up on any longer -- and so even if it means pissing off RVD in the process -- WWE will bury the old-timers on their way out while they transition the "young guns" into a fresh, new program with another ECW up-and-comer in CM Punk. If this is the case, The Originals can bank on a WrestleMania loss and a none-too-happy RVD along the way.
So to summarize:
If WWE decides that keeping Van Dam out of TNA is more important than moving forward with the New Breed/Punk angle (and possibly making "new" stars in the process)? Then expect WWE to pull out all the stops in keeping Van Dam in the spotlight -- including a WrestleMania win for he and his "Originals" pals. If Punk/New Breed seem more marketable than Van Dam, then WWE will job RVD and his buddies out at WrestleMania, cut their losses and move forward.
MeeThinks?: A tough call here, but I'm gonna' have to go out on a limb and say New Breed, simply because I can't help but think that WWE believes RVD "doesn't care about wins or losses" at this point, and are almost daring him to jump over to TNA to prove that their longstanding lack of confidence in him was right all along.
Women's Championship: Lumberjill Match Melina (c) [WM Debut] vs Ashley [WM Debut]
Two WrestleMania debuts here, and unless something major happens in the months to come -- this could just as easily turn out to be each woman's LAST in-ring appearance at a WrestleMania all the same. Ashley just signed a three-year extension with WWE, but now that she's already shed her clothes (and what little "draw" she actually might have had), she's probably a dime a dozen from here on out and likely to be shuffled out of the spotlight the second the latest crop of Diva Search ladies make their way onto WWE television. Melina, meanwhile, has really pissed off just about EVERYONE on the WWE roster, and so barring a miraculous attitude adjustment, all signs point to this one being Ms. Perez' swansong in a WWE ring.
Now then, onto the booking that's led up to this point:
1) Monday night, Ashley and the faces came out on top.
2) On Smackdown, Ashley and the faces came out on top AGAIN.
3) Wrestling 101 says that faces win 99% of Lumber(Jill)jack matches.
4) Melina is in the doghouse with everybody not named "Mick Foley"
5) Ashley is currently gracing the cover of Playboy magazine.
But...
6) Mick Foley is due back for a limited-run just after WrestleMania, and...
7) Johnny Nitro's desperate for a feud, and...
8) Foley/Nitro simply doesn't work without the Melina factor
So...
MeeThinks?: Once again, a tough call. Ashley could win, but then who would she defend the belt against on Smackdown!? Melina keeping the belt (and staying on RAW) keeps her heelish and hot, which would feed nicely into the Nitro/Foley program we're likely to see in the weeks to come. On a longshot, then, I'm gonna' say Ashley wins the match (to complete the three-show "punishment" of Melina for her attitude), but thanks to heelish shenanigans and/or outside interference, Melina winds up walking out of WrestleMania with the Women's Title still firmly held high.
United States Championship Chris Benoit (c) [2-5] vs MVP [WM Debut]
Chris Benoit is WWE's journeyman, and outside of his moment in the sun at WrestleMania XX, The Crippler's annual appearances at WWE's big dance have pretty much involved putting over new stars whenever the company needs a hand. Though MVP isn't exactly setting the world on fire with his Al-Snow-esque international challenge series (you'll recall the Snowman did much the same when he was European Champion some years ago), MVP *is* in desperate need of a high-profile match if anybody is expected to take the poor guy seriously.
Three years ago, I had the honor of seeing Chris Benoit FINALLY achieve the top-level glory that he so clearly deserved in the main event of WrestleMania XX. But since then? His star has faded, new stars have risen, his passion for the industry has been on the wane, and Chris Benoit has seen his role reduced from "Former World Champion" to upper-midcarder who can't seem to get past the U.S. Title picture. Since winning the World Title, we've seen Benoit busting his ass to put over all sorts of up-and-coming/repackaged heels on the U.S. Title circuit, including guys like...
Orlando Jordan
"King" Booker [T]
"John [Bradshaw] Layfield"
[Welcome Back] Finlay
Mr. Kennedy
Montel Vontavious Porter, meanwhile, has spent just about the entirety of his WWE tenure getting his ass handed to him by Kane. If they're serious about making a major player out of the guy, pairing him with Benoit for an extended feud and letting The Wolverine show him a thing or two in the ring will be invaluable in helping him garner some much-needed "star" power. But since every good, extended title program features a babyface challenger in hot pursuit of a wiseassed heel champion...
MeeThinks?: For Mee, this is the easiest match to call of the night. Benoit will do most of the work, and I fully expect this program to extend in the weeks and months following tomorrow night's Big Dance -- but as to who's walking away victorious? Get used to spelling the phrase "United States Champion" starting with three capital letters -- M.V.P.
Money in the Bank Ladder Match Edge [5-0] vs Randy Orton [1-2] vs Finlay [0-1] vs Ken Kennedy [WM Debut] vs Matt Hardy [1-3] vs Jeff Hardy [0-3] vs King Booker [2-3] vs CM Punk [WM Debut]
Sit back and relax, this one could get a bit wordy...
Judging from the respective records of each of the participants going into this match, MeeThinks we probably eliminate a few of these guys from having a chance at winning this one. From WrestleMania win/loss records alone, this means we can probably say "bye bye" to Matt and Jeff Hardy, who are probably just on the WrestleMania card because they are willing to bump and sell like champs to make their opponents look like world-beaters along the way. What we can also throw out, if history has taught us anything, is the possibility of a double-grab of the briefcase. ECW on SciFi this week ended with Matt and Jeff each simultaneously reaching the suspended object in question, and so it would seem all-too-telegraphed to have the same exact "two guys grab the title shot at once" ending be what plays out tomorrow night when it actually counts.
Let's move to Finlay and Booker. Realistically, WrestleMania records (and relative win/loss records throughout the rest calendar year) tells us that Finlay and Booker (each awesome though they may be) are clearly on the Smackdown! roster solely to help elevate new babyface talent to the point where they'll be taken seriously by the average Joe-wrestling-fan. For this reason, either man winning a title shot seems pretty moot... as 'Mania will likely close out with either Batista or Undertaker (both tremendously over babyfaces) holding the World Title, so what point would there be in wasting what could otherwise be an up-and-comer's $itB title shot against a guy who's already firmly cemented in the upper echelon of the "Big Nine?"
Next -- the "odds on favorites": CM Punk and Mr. Kennedy. Punk's odds are good, but he's still very new to the company and staring at a ready-made program with the New Breed whether or not he can walk out of this match with a title shot. Kennedy, on the other hand, has already exhausted his program against BOTH The Undertaker AND Batista... so having him win only to challenge either of those men seems all too redundant. Of course, they could swap him to RAW or ECW, in which case he's probably got as good a shot as anybody else in this one.
This leaves us with Rated RKO:
It's been clear for some time that a program between Orton and Edge is in the works, with The Rated R Superstar likely to remain heel as The Legend Killer (once again) becomes the de-facto babyface -- a role he's had problems with in the past. As a result, many fans are predicting that Orton will cost Edge the shot here to trigger the singles program between them. But I'll do 'em one better...
Losing a "perfect record" in a multi-man match is a bummer, alright, but it's hardly a "difficult" thing to do. After all, you've got seven other guys all looking to break your record at once, right? MeeThinks its far more "tragic" to see a win streak go down in flames when you've actually entered a match where you're likely to be perceived as the odds-on-favorite to win. So here's what you do...
Have Orton HELP Edge win the Money in the Bank title shot instead. That way, BOTH guys are HATED all the more for "teasing a break-up only to work together and screw everybody else in the end," and Edge gets to gloat (via a backstage segment or two) that thanks to Randy Orton, his WrestleMania streak remains intact AND a title shot is due his way at the time and place of his choosing. Then have Undertaker beat Batista for the World Title in your main-event (going to 15-0), and have Edge (w/ Orton in his corner) come out and challenge the Dead Man for a streak-vs-streak title match RIGHT THERE. But at this point, Orton interferes and costing Edge the match (putting 'Taker at 16-0).
This way you...
1) Send the fans home happy with not one, but TWO Undertaker wins to close out the night (he'd move to 16-0).
2) Don't waste Edge's "perfect record" to a simple loss in a multi-man matchup.
3) Have Edge being put over as the pissed off, laughing stock babyface who wasted a title shot.
4) Put Orton over as a singles threat to Edge, rather than just a guy who happened to be one of seven involved in upsetting his win streak. And...
4) Trigger a meaningful, one-on-one program between Edge and Randy Orton in the months that follow.
Wishful thinking, I know... but seeing Edge's "unbeaten streak" go down in flames to the Dead Man would sure make for a better "WresleMania moment" than simply seeing the thing squandered in a match with seven other competitors.
MeeThinks?: A total shot in the dark, but I'm gonna' say Edge gets the win here (with Orton's help), only to cash it in against 'Taker later in the night (at Orton's urging), and then lose both his shot AND his WrestleMania unbeaten streak (thanks to Orton) in one fell swoop by night's end, setting up plenty of grounds for some serious beef between the former members of Rated RKO.
Battle of the Billionaires Bobby Lashley [WM Debut] (w/Donald Trump) vs Umaga [WM Debut] (w/Vince McMahon [0-3])
Since the last one was so wordy, I'll keep this one short: there is absolutely NO reason to believe that Donald Trump is walking out of WrestleMania with any less hair than he walked in with. Unless Trump becomes a regular character *after* 'Mania (which he won't), WWE simply won't be able to trot him out in all his bald-headed glory whenever they wanna' hammer home just how EVIL Vinny Mac and his cronies can be.
What they *can* do, however, is keep trotting Vince out on weekly television sporting a crome dome. That way you've got a weekly reminder of just how good Bobby Lashley (and Donald Trump) got him at WrestleMania.
I will say, for the record, that this is one of those CLASSIC examples of how despite all of the crap that he gets for "not caring about what wrestling fans want," Vince McMahon *clearly* has the best interests of his wrestling-fan-faithful at heart in this one. Don't believe Mee? Here's why...
The Battle of the Billionaires was marketed to TWO demographics, the "regular wrestling fan" (who watches every week regardless of celebrity-crossovers), and the "casual fan/mainstream media" (who'll tune in to see a publicity stunt from time to time). Vince McMahon knows damned well that the casual fans are only tuning in for the promise of a head-shaving, and since he'll have their admission and buyrate dollars long before he DELIVERS on that promise -- it's in the best interest of all parties involved (particularly those who are most likely to tune in again) that the guy be willing to pay off the angle with an outcome that's actually going to reward REPEAT viewers of his program.
MeeThinks?: Bet on The Donald for the win. And say what you will about Vinny Mac... but he's one hell of a good sport, and the fact that he's willing to pay off a WRESTLING angle with an outcome that directly (and recurringly) affects a regular WRESTLING show's performer says a lot about how much he actually does care about the business and his company on the whole.
World Heavyweight Championship Match Batista (c) [3-0] vs The Undertaker [14-0]
Little-known fact: Batista is ALSO "unbeaten" at WrestleMania, ya' know.
But anyway...
The outcome of this match hinges on two things, in my opinion:
1) How long Batista is likely to stick around the business
2) How well respected Batista is by his peers and coworkers
To answer the first of those questions (given the fact that Dave has proven quite injury-prone AND is just about 40 years old) one might assume that Batista's expiration date is rapidly approaching. Couple that with the fact that he's lost quite a bit of his lustre since returning to the ring, and you're looking at a crapshoot as to whether or not WWE can recapture lightning in a bottle with this guy before it's too late. For that reason, the decision might be made to "pull the trigger" on the guy come April 1, and to truly vault him into that "legendary" uppermost echelon of WWE's top talent for years to come. Heck, even if he can still go until age 45 -- that's a solid seven years worth of main-eventing to be had from the guy, which is nothing to sneeze at, ya' know.
But then again...
To answer question number two? Long story short, Batista isn't the most popular or well-received guys in a WWE lockerroom. For starters, one need only look at the fact that WWE recently canned his ringrat-ladyfriend, Rebecca DiPietro, as a pretty strong sign of how little clout the man has behind the scenes. Going back a few months prior, we'll note how Dave and King Bookah found themselves in a legit pull-apart brawl over The Animal's all-too-entitled attitude during a photo shoot for SummerSlam. Top that all off with the most recent reports that Big Dave is being perceived as "Ultimate Warrior-like" by those in the WWE lockerroom (big physique, little talent, bad attitude), and you've pretty much nailed the trifecta of things that would point to a Batista loss when stacked up against a certifiable "legend" of a company man like The Undertaker at WrestleMania.
MeeThinks?:Dating back to WrestleMania VI, WWE learned its lesson well that "passing a torch" to a guy who doesn't have the heart for the business is always a risky move. With 'Taker looking better than ever, Batista's backstage reputation in question, the off-chance that an impromptu title shot might be cashed in by night's end, and the ellusive chance at "WrestleMania immortality" on the line for whoever can walk away victorious? MeeThinks you'd have to be a fool to bet against The Dead Man at WrestleMania this year.
WWE Championship Match John Cena (c) [3-0] vs Shawn Michaels [5-6-2]
Little-known fact: John Cena is ALSO "unbeaten" at WrestleMania, ya' know.
Dunno if this one will go last or not (I've got a serious suspicion that it *will not*), but MeeThinks the outcome of this contest will have a lot to do with where it ends up on the card.
If this match goes on AFTER the Battle of The Billionaires (and just BEFORE Smackdown's World Title Match), MeeThinks the crowd will still be pretty hot and excited after seeing The Donald do the honors and shave Vinny Mac's head bald. As a result, WWE can cheat a bit with their booking on this one and ride out the "high" that's likely to be the residual enthusiasm left over from the Battle of the Billionaires shave-a-thon. And by "cheat a bit with their booking," I mean that WWE can still maintain a hot crowd while *not* giving fans a title switch here. So if you're a John Cena fan, you should start hoping that this match doesn't go on last.
If this match goes on LAST, however, all bets are off. If you read MyThinks from above, you'll know full well that I expect every other belt that's being defended on the show (except *maybe* the Women's Championship, on a fluke) to change hands... so there seems to be little gained by sending the fans home with a polarized outcome (Cena retaining) when so many other moments could have just as easily sent them home all the more happy. If this goes on last, then, you've got every reason to believe that HBK will walk out as champion when the dust settles.
So what's gonna happen?
You need look no further than to the WrestleMania 23 Press Conference for that answer, friends.
During the press conference, Shawn Michaels tipped his hand and told the crowds, reporters and fans in attendance that he was gonna' do what he always does at WrestleMania... and that is "make [Cena] famous!" Unfortunately if you've bothered to read up on Shawn's WrestleMania win/loss record, you'll note that HBK's efforts in "making people famous" usually wind up with him on the losing end when all is said and done.
Who's he lost to (of note) at WrestleMania, you ask?
Scott Hall
Kevin Nash
Steve Austin
Chris Benoit
Kurt Angle
Four of those guys, you'll recall, walked out of WrestleManias as champions of one sort or another after beating Shawn Michaels.
So who's he beaten (of note) at WrestleMania?
Bret Hart (who Michaels clearly has no love lost/respect for...)
Chris Jericho (already two years past his run atop the WWE)
Vince McMahon (still winless at WrestleMania)
So to sum up...
MeeThinks?: Though Shawn Michaels unquestionably steps up his game when performing on The Grandest Stage of Them All, when push comes to shove -- he usually ends up "making people famous" at WrestleMania by putting them over. If this match goes on last, there's no reason to believe that Michaels won't "make Cena famous" by doing exactly the same thing he's done for a half-dozen or so men before... closing out the night flat on his back and staring up into the rafters.
YouThinks Reader Mail:
First of all, a big thank you to everyone who mailed in their Wrestling Road Trip stories from last week's column. Also, a huge shout-out to everybody who sent in TheirThinks on a number of other topics, which I fully intend to post in their entirety and respond to in due time. Sadly, "due time" will not be this week's column, as this week the MeeThinks Mailbag was graced by the presence of a former WWE/ECW "Superstar" (I'll use that word loosely) -- and MeeThinks its only fair to dedicate the remainder of this week's report to the superstar and the letter in question.
So sit back, relax, turn your brains off (and your spell-checks ON) as MeeThinks fields an EXCLUSIVE bit of hate mail courtesy of the one, the only...
Andrew "Test" Martin
Yes folks, old chipmunk-cheeks himself has deemed this lowly column worthy of his awesome, roided-up and bacne-riddled glory... and so I simply can't help myself but to share this delightful little tidbit of Ebeef with y'all.
Enjoy!
learn before you speak
Have you ever wrestled a match in your life? No! your [sic] just some little bitch who wishes he looked like me and [sic] jerk off to the pictures of the girls I get. I'm a multimillionare....[sic] what do you do? Make accusations that aren't true and [sic] have no clue what your talking about. I'm 32 and never have to work again in my life. I'm worth more money than you will ever see in your life and my girlfriend is someone you could never get..[sic] hell I wouldn't like me either. While I sit here in my penthouse on the water, you are probably giving another lousy assessment about a wrestler you wish you could be. So while your busy delivery [sic] pizzas and trying to pay your bills, just always stop and remember you should think before you open your minimum wage ass mouth...[sic] oh yeah and the fact that I'll be doing what ever [sic] I want because I'm better than you at everything and the things I;m [sic] not like being a computer geek, hell I'll just pay someone to do it! Have a nice day being miserable while I'll be at the beach with the hottest girl in the world..[sic]BIATCH!...[sic]TEST
Wow... just wow.
Thanks for writing, Andrew... I'm assuming you're still sore about the fact that I:
a) Called you a talentless chipmunk with a bad case of back acne.
b) Commended WWE for dismissing you, and said they were better off without you.
c) Maintained that drugs are stupid and that you were stupid for abusing them.
Anyhow...
Youre lettR wuz well writin. I thourouwlgy injoyed yur partiuclar attenshun to detale, speling, grammer, paragraf strucshr, and simple rulez of punctuashun.
(Ok, enough Test-speak... that was mind-numbing).
In all seriousness, "Test" (still not sold that this letter is from such a huge, important, self-admitted "multimillionare" who lives in a "penthouse on the water" with "the hottest girl in the world," but whatever...) -- I'm impressed you managed to pull yourself away from such the life of luxury to grace us with your insight and experience into how to succeed as a proven draw in the wrestling business. Remind me again of how many world titles you won? Oh that's right... Well hey, at least you main-evented a pay per view or two, right?
Oh wait... if by "main evented" you mean j-o-b'ed to Bobby Lashley and were made to look like a complete and utter joke, then yes... you're a certifiable main eventer! Seriously though -- that European Championship run was something else, my friend.
All bullshit aside...
Good to see that you've saved your money from wrestling so that you can now afford the time and effort it takes to shoot an e-mail the way of your favorite Internet Wrestling C-lebrity (a miserably written e-mail, of course, but an e-mail nonetheless). Sorry to burst your bubble that I'm making quite a bit more than minimum wage, thanks... but I'm sure WWE washouts can command quite a pretty penny at your local bingo hall or gymnasium show these days. Tell ya' what, Andrew, do feel free to shoot Mee a copy of your W2-Form this time next year, eh? I'll be happy to share your earnings statement with the class, if ya'd like.
PS -- If you're seriously deluded enough to think that your current squeeze Barbie "Kelly Kelly" Blank is really:
a) All that attractive so as to warrant the title of "hottest girl in the world" (she's not)
b) Anywhere near talented in her role on television (she's not)
c) Going to stick with you now that you're an unemployed loser without a job or a regular paycheck (she's not)
Feel free to e-mail Mee back and I will be happy to share that one with the class as well. There's an old saying that "people only dance as well as they have sex", ya' know... in which case, my friend, you have my sincerest sympathies. After all, we've all seen how "talented" Kelly Kelly is once the music hits.
Have a nice life! Here's hoping your steroid use doesn't catch up with you in the form of an early grave!
All the best,
- Meehan
And With That, I'm Outta' Here
I think that should do it for this week. Enjoy the show tomorrow night, folks... keep those e-mails coming (especially if you're a no-talent WWE washout!), and even if a roided-up chipmunk with a bad case of bacne tries to rattle your cage this week... always stay positive!
