Column of "Hero": 03.31.07
Posted by Ari Berenstein on 03.31.2007
HAHAHAHAH! I WIN!
Pick those jaws back up off the floor, losers, and start blinking those eyes. Yes, oh yes, hell has indeed frozen over. Bad for you, even worse for the former writer of this column, but faaaantastic for yours truly, your Hero, your next generation Mr. Wonderful, Chris Hero.
No, this is not a joke. This is as serious as a heart attack, which I'm sure many of you lard-asses will be experiencing while eating Cheetos and Pop Tarts in your mother's basement and listening to your illegally acquired Fall Out Boy and Snow Patrol mp3s.
You see, there are many out there who doubted the true power of I, the magnificently clever and quite handsome Chris Hero. Some people don't understand the stroke I have and what damage I can truly do to those I disdain. Ari Berenstein was one such doubter, and now he has paid the price for his naïve insolence. My team of highly paid lawyers at Conem, Fleecem and Sue made short of work of that impudent rolly-poly. It was easy-peasy too. Ashish and Larry Csonka didn't want any trouble from me, my super agent Larry Sweeney or my legal team. Not when we had signed an air tight contract with 411 Mania. Besides, they were actually happy to give into my demands. It seems that Ari doesn't have as many friends inside 411 Mania as he thought. The higher ups were just looking for an excuse to eighty-six him from the staff. They hoisted him on his own petard and told him to take a hike, junior.
Of course, why would they keep yesterday's news when they can roll with someone who is hot off the press? They know that Chris Hero provides the unique hits and that Chris Hero is THE most beloved wrestling personality on internet. Chris Benoit who? He could never execute a cravate like I can! He wouldn't know a cravate from a crepe!
That's right. I'm the new writer of the column, starting today, now and forevermore. And why not? Any untrained monkey with half a brain could come up with a better column that ANY of the writers on this website! I mean, have you looked at some of the filler and hackneyed clichéd slop that passes for column material here? Top 10 lists? Fantasy Dream Matches? News reports that don't report news? The 3R's? I can assure you one of those R's is NOT reading. Wrestling fans don't read anyway…because they're illiterate redneck scum. Not to mention that these guys can't spell. Hey Bayani Domingo, apparently they don't teach spelling on the Left Coast. It's Truth Be Told, B-E, get it? As in BE MORE ORIGINAL. Truth be told, your random Asian pictures don't sway me, not when I've had the real thing during my stay in Japan! I await the day my good friend Andy Milonakis hits you upside the head with a pancake. Then maybe he'll move on to a souvlaki and some mousaaka.
All you Ring of Honor loving misanthropes and cretins better start paying homage to me! Because I am the man in charge now of this column. Besides, I'VE GOT THE SCOOOPZ! ROXXORZ DOOD! 10101010101!
There's just one problem and my team of lawyers is already on it. Apparently Larry Csonka tells me that for legal purposes, while they figure out the technicalities of how to give Ari the official pink slip, his name has to stay up as writer of this column. This irritates me to no end, because no one else should get the credit for something I have done all by myself…ME! This little insult will be taken care of, on the hop…or else I will be very upset. I will be forced to turn my attention towards some of the bosses at 411 Mania.
So Ari, let me show you how an internet wrestling column is done. Welcome to a new era for this column…this Column of Hero.
CHRIS HERO presents: YOUR ROH Results: All Star Extravaganza III – March 30th 2007 Detroit, MI
Results
In the TRUE main event (let none of those ROHbots tell you different), I, Chris Hero was ROBBED of victory by that sleazy, disease infested (allegedly) "Scrap Iron" Adam Pearce. Sure, Pearce got the pin on Colt Cabana, but that was clearly after I had a pinfall ready and waiting on that six year old, Matt Sydal. I have a feel the referee had his palms greased by Adam Pearce and Shane Hagadorn, in more ways than one if you get what I'm saying.
I had that victory in my grasp. I was clearly five steps ahead of everyone else in that match, hitting everyone with strikes that resembled nuclear bombs and flying around in that ring like a supersonic jet. No one could beat me in this match one on one, but I must give credit where credit is due. There is no honor among thieves, and Pearce got the job done.
Now there was also a bit of a surprising development that involved myself and Larry Sweeney on this card. You see there are a group of people I hate more than incompetents…and that is old people. Bruno Sammartino decided to stick his crotchety ass where it didn't belong, inside a Ring of Honor ring. The old man already had his time, what, like back in the Jurassic Era. What did this man ever accomplish? When did he ever defeat Chris Hero? NEVER! So Sweeney challenged the man to face me in an arm wrestling contest, where I could display my massive arm strength and musculature. DO you know what Bruno did? He backed down from yours truly! Even the so called legends are afraid of my power!
So Larry Sweeney, Tank Tolland and I took it upon ourselves to help Bruno out of the ring, because you know his legs are made of twigs and if it snapped he could very quickly find himself in the hospital…and that would be a shame. So while Larry and I were helping the senior citizen like the good Samaritans (4H Boy Scouts right here) that we are, that no good English debutant Nigel McGuiness decided to stick his nose into our business. He put his hands on me and on Larry Sweeney when he obviously had no place being there in the first place.
Let me tell you Nigel, we were already scheduled to wrestle on April 13th in Long Island as part of an International Dream tag team match with me and the Japanese Fast Food Monster Takeshi Morishima against you and Doug Williams. Now you have made me mad. For that I'm going to make you wish you never applied for your green card. I'm going to send you back to Jolly Old England in a pine box.
Results I Could Care Less About
A bunch of other stuff happened on this card. Who really cares? I only mention these matches because one day history will want to mark the extent of my greatness on this night. These results prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that compared to Chris Hero, the rest of the ROH roster are merely average.
-Erick Stevens (mohawked goof) defeated. "Sugar Foot" Alex Payne (you don't want to know why they call him "Sugar Foot") in a squash match.
-Masaaki Mochizuki (sounds like a Japanese motorcycle) defeated Davey Richards (the glare!)via pinfall after a kick to the head.
-Jimmy Jacobs and Lacey defeated BJ Whitmer & Daizee Haze when Lacey pinned Daizee after a spear by Jacobs. Good man Jacobs. I condone hitting women whenever possible--isn't that right Allison Danger?
-ROH World Tag Team Title Match: Jay and Mark Briscoe (Hee-Haw) defeated Naruki Doi (small) & Shingo (very small) to become new champions. Mark apparently hurt himself with an under-rotated shooting star press to the outside. Medics came out to help him to the back.
-Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley, collectively known as the Motor City Machine Guns, made their return to ROH. They both want a shot at The Briscoes on April 28th in Chicago. Hey, take a number pals.
-Yamato (sounds like "tomato")defeated. Pelle Primeau(tomato can).
-Brent Albright defeated Nigel McGuinness. I was there to make sure all the rules of the ring were enforced to the letter of the law.
-Homicide (punk) defeated Christopher Daniels (weirdo). Daniels was in quite the grumpy mood last night. Adam Pearce attacked Homicide after the match and lo and behold, who should return but James E. Cornette. Cornette received a measure of justice for the misfortunes he suffered at the hands of Homicide.
-Roderick Strong defeated Jack Evans.
-Eight Man All Star Dragon Gate Rules Match: CIMA, Susumu Yokosuka, Dragon Kid, & Ryo Saito defeated. Delirious, Austin Aries, Rocky Romero, & Claudio Castagnoli. CIMA pinned Delirious.
In an update from last night's show, Gabe Sapolsky personally called me up and made sure I reported the news that Mark Briscoe suffered a concussion in his match and that he would not be wrestling in tonight's match against Christopher Daniels and Matt Sydal. Jay Briscoe will pick a partner tonight to replace Mark in the match. I don't know if Jay knows how to dial numbers on a cell phone, but I'm sure someone will give him the proper information to contact me about that match.
He-ROH Call
Did you see the clever word play I did there? I am a wordsmith par excellence. OH HO! Look I just wrote a palindrome! Clearly it is my superior intellect at work. Oh yeah, this is the section of the column where I list the current ROH Champions. Whatever.
ROH Champions—As of 03/31/2007
ROH World Champion— Takeshi Morishima(my tag team partner upcoming in Long Island, but he better look out, because I'm not above challenging him for this title) (champion since 02/17/07, 2 successful defenses)
Next Defense: Nigel McGuinness (tart), 4/14/07 Edison, NJ
V.1 defeated BJ Whitmer (hack) via pinfall / backdrop driver (2/23/07 Dayton, OH)
V. 2 defeated KENTA (overrated) via pinfall / backdrop driver (3/04/07 Tokyo, Japan)
ROH World Tag Team Champions— Jay and Mark Briscoe (Beverly Hillbillies) (champions since 03/30/07, NEW CHAMPIONS)
Next Defense: Christopher Daniels (bald) and Matt Sydal (kook) 3/31/07 Detroit, MI
He-ROH's News
(via the ROHnewswire… and other sources when attributed)
OHMYGOD HE DID IT AGAIN! What a master storyteller!
…By the way, I'm not going to add any stupid "titles" to this news. That's just lame.
All roads lead to Detroit as ROH is set to present "All Star Extravaganza III" on March 30th and "Supercard Of Honor II" on March 31st. The eyes of the wrestling world will be on ROH as fans are coming from over 35 states as well as Ireland, England, Canada, Netherlands, Switzerland, Spain, Australia, Germany, Sweden, France, Denmark as well as a tour from Japan.
Three guesses as who they're all there to see. That's right…Chris Hero, Chris Hero and Chris Hero. My fans from Japan and the myspace community whom I infrequently communicate with (because really, I try to spend as little time on the internet as possible) will be in attendance. ROH officials will no doubt attempt to persecute these loyal fans by confiscating their "Chris Hero is God" and "CRAVATE!" signs. But I'll know they'll have been there. I'll know.
A special challenge match has been signed for 4/13 in Long Island. The last Manhattan show saw the first ever in ROH Four Way Fray come down to Jack Evans and Shingo. The two put on some great action until Evans scored the victory. Now Shingo wants to get his win back as he heads to a big match vs. ROH World Champion Takeshi Morishima on 4/28 in Chicago. It will be Jack Evans vs. Shingo one-on-one on 4/13 in Long Island.
Another Fifth Year Festival rematch has been signed for Long Island on April 13th. Just added to the Sports Plus return is Colt Cabana vs. Delirious.
As far as Evans vs. shingo (and I will NOT capitalize that man's name because he simply doesn't merit such a designation) goes, I could defeat either man with one hand tied behind my back and blindfolded. Now I wouldn't defeat either man in such a manner, because everyone knows those kinds of matches suck. I wish to give maximum entertainment value to all my fans, my Hero Worshippers. Therefore, I will NEVER wrestle such horrible matches in my career. EVER.
Mike Quackenbush will make his ROH debut on 4/27 in St. Paul and 4/28 in Chicago.
Who is this Quackenbush? I've never heard of him.
The announcement of Mike Quackenbush coming to ROH created a big buzz. Quackenbush is scheduled to only appear on the 4/27 St. Paul and 4/28 Chicago events. We now have Quackenbush's matches to announce. St. Paul will see an Ultimate Endurance (elimination match with each fall having a different stipulation) with Jay & Mark Briscoe vs. Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw vs. Gran Akuma & Hallowicked vs. Pelle Primeau & Mitch Franklin. The stipulations for each fall will be announced soon. Chicago will get a Six Man Mayhem pitting Quackenbush vs. Delirious vs. Kevin Steen vs. Gran Akuma vs. Jigsaw vs. Hallowicked. Both these bouts promise to bring some exciting action to both St. Paul and Chicago. Will any of these debuting athletes be the future of ROH?
Alright, Alright, yes…I know who Mike Quackenbush is…my former training partner in the CHIKARA Wrestle Factory and sometime rival. So you've finally made it to Ring of Honor, five years after you backed off from a booking on the first show. Do you marks out there know why Quackenbush said no that first time? It's because deep down, Mike Quackenbush is scared. He is a yellow coward. Welcome to five years too late, pal. You see, not only did I beat you here by getting here first, I've made you totally irrelevant by being flat out better than you could ever hope to be. You're going to flounder into those matches in St. Paul and Chicago and then you're going to go crying back home into the arms of Wiggly. We all know that you are secretly having sexual relations with him anyway. Hey, I won't judge you Mike. Each of us is entitled to live his or her own way.
Fair warning, get in my way in Ring of Honor and I'll be forced to embarrass you once again.
ROH World Champion Takeshi Morishima is now official for May 11th in Hartford, CT and May 12th in Manhattan, NY. You have never had an opportunity to see this many of NOAH's top stars compete under one roof. Morishima, KENTA and Naomichi Marufuji will all be in main event quality matches in both Hartford and Manhattan.
The big boy Morishima is going to be there and let me tell you from my personal conversations with him, he is mad and angry. Someone ate his last Ring Dings. Hartford and New York City beware, because Morishima will be on the loose and looking for some Hostess food products!
There will be lots of happenings in Detroit around the ROH events. You can catch ROH on the Fox 2 morning show this Friday. Several of the top stars of ROH will be appearing on the show. You can meet ROH stars at the Detroit Beer Co. on 1529 Broadway in downtown Detroit on Saturday afternoon. Check the main page of ROHwrestling.com for all the info to save money at the Detroit Beer Co. on both Friday and Saturday.
Too bad my good friend Necro Butcher isn't on this trip. That man knows how to down some beers.
Shingo vs. Matt Cross has been signed for April 14th in Edison, NJ.
YAWN. Next.
This weekend in Detroit will be very important for the No Remorse Corps of Roderick Strong & Davey Richards. We are promised a new member of the NRC on Saturday when Jack Evans & Naruki Doi tag to take on Richards and the new member. The NRC have been very quiet as to who this new member is and we don't even know if it's somebody already on the card or someone new to ROH.
What loonies. Who would even want to tag with those two clowns?
You can hear how much Friday's show means to Bruno Sammartino in a great interview at http://www.wdfn.com/cc-common/podcast.html and in this interview it is clear his support of ROH is very sincere. Sammartino talks about the fact that he refused to appear for ROH until he saw a ROH DVD. He was then so impressed with the product that he decided to endorse ROH and give ROH his support. Scroll down to the bottom of http://www.wdfn.com/cc-common/podcast.html for this great interview. Sammartino is really looking forward to meeting the fans in Detroit.
I'll get you old man, if it's the last thing I do…
Hero-rarium
- Something I've noticed: This column has a severe lack of cravates. That's all going to change, now that I've taken over.
No one quite understands the awesome power and influence of a tightly held cravate. It cranks down on the neck at an acute, 45 degree angle. It forces the opponent to bend downwards in order to relieve the pressure. That's when the move really takes its effect. It's like a boa constrictor—the harder you move to get away from it, the tighter the grip becomes.
I am the master of the cravate. I know 7,603 variations of the hold, 7,604 if you count the one where…but, ah, that would be telling.
Bottom line, get ready for Cavate-amania in the Column of Hero!
Hero Takes On…
So, as a result of me gaining control of this column this week, I have decided to add a great new segment, discussing some of Ring Of Honor's top talents, their talents and weaknesses. So, without further ado, lets start Hero Takes On…
Davey Richards--- 5'8" (and that's me being generous), 202 lbs.—our boy Davey here is on a roll. He's stepped up his game, and is showing the ROHbots what it is to be a man. His arsenal of kicks is outstanding (not as good as mine, but that's a discussion for another day). His NRC group with Roderick Strong has potential, but is lacking something. Well, actually 2 things. Height and personality. Unlike me, Davey has yet to really catch on with the ROHbots, but I think eventually he will. I look forward to working this Dynamite Kid wannabe again, and pinning his shoulders to the mat one more time. That shouldn't be too hard after all, as I am Chris Hero.
Adam Pearce---6'2", 233 lbs.---Now, this is a man I have major beef with. First, he fought against me in the ROH vs. CZW wars, helping to humiliate me on multiple occasions, but I did take at least a pint of blood from his lumpy bald noggin. If it wasn't for me, Pearce would be a curtain jerking talent for ROH. Oh, wait a second. He still is, with his "Life-Partner" Shane Hagadorn. What a bunch of pansies. At one point, Pearce actually did have wrestling ability, now all he has is a wide load sign on his ass, and a manservant. How sad. Talent is such a terrible thing to waste.
BJ Whitmer---6'1", 230 lbs. --- I really want to say some nasty things about BJ, but as I think it over, I really cant, except that he may or may not be a certifiable lunatic. How many tables does one man have to be put through before he gets the message and just hangs it up? I think he's still picking plywood out of his scalp from last march when Super Dragon, Necro Butcher and myself practically murdered him. If you've seen the first Jackass movie, there is a song on the soundtrack that BJ should use for his entrance music. It's called "If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough." That is perfect for the horse-faced man. And by the way, that exploder suplex is played out. Come up with something better, my friend.
Bobby Dempsey---5'10", 900lbs. --- This is possibly the most hideous, disgusting, obese individual this side of Sloppy Joe. He is so fat that he sweats gravy. I really don't know what he can do in the ring, but I have seen him at a Sizzler, and he sure is a dynamo there. I've never seen jowls move or fill up that fast. I swear, he ate the entire plate of fried chicken in one fell swoop. I think he should go back to sitting at ringside, protecting the real wrestlers from the maniacs that sit at ringside, because in my correct opinion, he has NO future between the ropes. Come on, he cant even fit between the ropes, so…
Brent Albright---6'0", 240 lbs, --- now, this is a talent. Brent is an awesome grappler, brawler, and submission expert. I won't say a bad word about Mr. Albright, as I never know when I (or Larry) might need to hire him out for his demolition services. I might even consider teaming with Mr. Albright on occasion, if the situation deserves, or is called for. And don't think I'm just saying this because I'm afraid of Brent or anything.
Nigel McGuinness---6'1", 220 lbs. --- I have seriously mixed feelings about Nigel. We are roster-mates in Pro Wrestling NOAH, but here in ROH, he is a different person. Here, he thinks that he is better than everyone else, when in reality, he's nowhere as good in the ring as yours truly. Yes, he has been on a roll lately, but what does that mean in the big picture? We all know that when he finally meets Mr. Morishima in New Jersey in April, his life ends. And whats up with that hair? Isn't that an illegal weapon? It is sharp; it can pierce the skin; and poke you in the eye. If I did anything like that in the ring, I'd be vilified, but that English idiot can do it, get away with it, and get over with the ROHbots. It makes NO sense to me at all. But otherwise, he's actually got some in ring skills, and I cant wait until I beat him too.
KENTA---5'9", 179 lbs. --- Another NOAH roster-mate, but in my humble, yet correct opinion, the most overrated wrestler on the planet today. Look at him. He's not even 180 pounds, and is practically a midget. Yes, he can kick the hell out of people, but think about it, who has he faced? He never faught anyone significantly over 200 pounds here in ROH, and when he got his shot at the ROH belt in Japan at the beginning of the month, what happened? Pinned in less than 10 minutes. If Morishima can do that to him, what do you think I would do to him? I don't even give him 6 minutes with me. I'll just cravate his ass until he just quits and runs home. And one more thing. Whats up with those tights? Brown and yellow? What a terrible color combination. What a huge fashion faux-pas.
Dragon Kid---5'4", 154 lbs. --- yeah, I don't even know who he is, so that makes him a nobody, so that's it. I will say this though, he might actually be a kid with those measurements. Just what I need to be talking about, midget wrestling. Next.
Pelle Primeau---4'11, 115 lbs. --- What is this? A dwarf convention? Oh, right, its ROH, so it might be. What can I say about this reject that hasn't already been said? How sad is it that this guy can actually get on ROH main cards? Think about all the other great talents out there on the Indy scene, yet this guy gets on the main card. That's just pathetic. Maybe when some of my protogees from CHIKARA come to ROH later this month they will take this guy's spot on the roster. What a joke. You know what Pelle is proof of? That I need to take over the ROH Wrestling Academy so that guys like this never make it to the big show. His career is an insult to the REAL wrestlers in the business today. If you want to crowd surf, go to a rock concert, you Alaskan moron.
El Generico---5'11", 180lbs. --- I know that I shouldn't say this out loud, or have it printed on a website, but I actually like this guy. He makes me laugh. He thinks he's Mexican, but in all actuality, is Canadian. How crazy is that? Who would want to be either Mexican or Canadian? I don't know, don't want to know, and honestly, don't care, because I know that I could beat him from pillar to post, with one arm tied behind my back. If this guy gets a push towards ANY title in ROH, my head might explode. Its bad enough that he is currently the PWG Heavyweight Champion. Sweet Jesus, how can he be called a HEAVYWEIGHT when he weighs 180 pounds? The only reason that he still has that belt is because I haven't made a PWG appearance in a while, so as you all know, its just a matter of time before that belt is mine, just like the ROH World Title.
Well, that's all for this edition of Hero Takes on. I hope you liked my insights into some of your favorite wrestlers. I know you did, so I'll promise to bring this deal back by popular demand. Now, onto the next segment of brilliance in this week's edition of Column Of Hero…
Don't Sleep On…
Listen, you and I both know there's no other reason to watch anything in wrestling other than Chris Hero matches. There's nothing better, nothing more satisfying, than watching yours truly in action. You never know what you're going to get, but by god, it's going to be good. Be sure to spend your hard earned, ham n egger money buying the DVDs with these matches…BUT ONLY WATCH MY MATCHES. No one else is worth your time.
12/22—CHRIS HERO and that Swiss idiot Claudio Castagnoli vs. The Redneck Briscoes (ROH International Challenge)
What a terrific ass kicking I delivered to the The Briscoes in this one. Oh yes, it was a thorough and embarrassing defeat for Jay and Mark here. They couldn't get any sustained offense in and every time they tried one of their trademarked moves, they missed. That's what happens after spending hours in my home theater and tape library, doing the hardwork of scouting my opponents. Of course this was the stunning debut of "Sweet and Sour" Larry Sweeney. His master plan worked magnificently and those dumb inbreds never saw what was coming. Oh yeah, that Swiss Miss moron Claudio was in this match too, but he didn't really contribute much of anything except that he lent me some extra hair gel in my personal dressing room.
1/27—CHRIS HERO vs. that Swiss idiot Claudio Castagnoli vs. Christopher Daniels (ROH Battle of the Icons)
One of my greatest triumphs—a true masterpiece of wrestling cunning. Also on display were my technical artistry and scientific wrestling know how. What fun it was to pound that fool Christopher Daniels into the ground, leaving him in the dust. I even let Claudio believe that he and I were back on the same page so that he would do all of the work for me, um I mean, so he could feel good about himself and all. That idiot needs to feel good about something now that his career is in the crapper thanks to his unwise choices. When the time was right, Larry Sweeney and I struck--and I came away with a clean victory, as always. FIVE STAR MATCH!
Listen, I would keep listing ALL my matches, but seriously I don't have all day to spend writing out my resume for you. What would be the point? All you losers have probably memorized every match result in ROH history. So you know how good I am. The success that I have achieved is unparalleled.
He-ROH Preview: Supercard of Honor 2: 3/30/07—Detroit, MI
OF COURSE this was a "supercard", yours truly, Chris Hero is wrestling on it! EVERY show that I appear on is a supercard in every sense of the word.
The powers to be (Gabe, Cary) have frustrated me greatly by refusing to book me in a proper match. They tell me they're "waiting for the events of 3/30 before announcing matches for 3/31." I call shenanigans on that! It's all right though, just knowing that yours truly will be in attendance is surely enough to guarantee all you monkeys out there will spend that cAyshhh on a ticket! You ROHbot marks.
Michigan State Fairgrounds & Expo Center "Michigan Mart"
March 31st, 2007- 7:30pm belltime
1120 W. State Fair Ave.
Detroit, MI 48203
Dragon Gate Rules Six Man Match Of The Year Rematch
CIMA, Shingo & Susumu Yokosuka vs. Dragon Kid, Ryo Saito & Masaaki Mochizuki
I don't even know how to pronounce these names; much less know who they are. Obviously none of them have the stones to challenge me to a match, so they'd rather just fight each other. What a bunch of segregationists. So yeah, you marks and smarks out there voted for last year's Dragon Gate six man to be match of the year in the so called Wrestling Observer so it's clear you will all be creaming your jeans to put over this one (oooooooooo SHOOT!). Why don't you losers just shout from the top of the mountain that you are a nerd and spend your free time watching foreign wrestlers who can't even speak English! I don't know why these guys are in the main event and not me.
FIP World Heavyweight Title Match
Roderick Strong defends vs. Austin Aries
I for one couldn't be happier that these two twenty first century yuppies are at each other's throats. They got a divorce and are fighting for visitation rights and that used lawnmower that's collecting dust in the garage. Roderick Strong is the FIP champion? With that and twenty five cents you'll have a quarter. Please…I was CHIKARA, CZW AND Ring of Honor tag team champion AT THE SAME TIME. Where I come from, three belts beats one, so your winner for this match, is me!
Steel Cage Match
BJ Whitmer w/Daizee Haze vs. Jimmy Jacobs w/Lacey
This feud is all about a woman? Please…women are a dime a dozen. Man I take home ring rats by the truck full and Mister Mysteri-EMO Jacobs is pining over ONE girl? Come on. MAN UP JIMMY! Either shit or get off the pot. Just plant one on her already. Just make sure you use protection…I've heard some rather…unsettling things about Ms. Thing, Lacey. BJ? Exactly.
Fifth Year Festival Rematch
Christopher Daniels & Matt Sydal vs. Jay & Mark Briscoe ?
Well if it isn't the flash in the pan dynamic duo of Daniels and Sydal. You two are no longer team of the moment. Now how about dem apples? And fighting the super redneck twins? Power of: mono-syllabic conversation. Form of: gap toothed huckleberry. The total combined IQ of this match is -5.17, and I'm counting Ms. Anorexia, Allison Danger. Seriously gal, eat some red meat. I've got some right here for ya. Your winner is…who cares?
Special Challenge Tag Team Match
Jack Evans & Naruki Doi vs. Davey Richards & the newest member of the No Remorse Corps
You have got to be kidding me! Mystery partners never live up to their potential. Isn't that right Mr. Eddie Kingston? Well, not one of my finer moments, but I made a quick turnaround from that mistake, let me assure you. Anyway, Evans will fly around and kill himself a million times, Richards will scream and get that bug eyed constipated look he always does when things don't go his way. Doi will continue to mystify me by being booked while doing absolutely ZERO worthwhile. The mystery partner? Hey, it may just be me… if you're very lucky.
Grudge Match
Homicide vs. Brent Albright
Oh woe is Homicide…from main eventing with the precious ROH World title to this…getting manhandled by bigger men is going to become a nasty habit for the ghetto lowlife. If it's not me, then I'm glad it's that ginor-mus Brent Albright.
Plus more with Rocky Romero, Delirious, Colt Cabana, YAMATO, Nigel McGuinness, Chris Hero with Larry Sweeney, Adam Pearce with Shane Hagadorn, Claudio Castagnoli, Pelle Primeau and more.
Going Home
Hero Hate Mail
This is usually the point in that dolt's column where he includes e-mail from you pre-pubescent half-wits. BUT THIS IS MY COLUMN! And I say…NO EMAILS! You jerks don't deserve any more of my time.
**The Independent Buy In**
Support independent pro wrestling, ROH or non ROH, I don't care. But if you out there are spending so much time complaining about how WWE sucks, then dammit, spend some money so you won't have to spend so much time complaining. This list stays in the column and will be added to as the year goes on. Remember: don't bow out, BUY IN!
2007
**PWG Battle of Los Angeles 2006: Night One (Strong / Romero, CIMA / Cross, Deliirous / Generico, 8 Man Tag)
**SHIMMER Women's Athletes Volume 6 (MsChif / Melissa Last Woman Standing, Rebecca Knox / Allison Danger Pure Rules)
**PWG Hollywood Globetrotters (Super Dragon and Davey Richards vs. Roderick Strong and Jack Evans; Cape Fear (El Generico and Quicksilver) vs. Arrogance (Chris Bosh and Scott Lost); B-Boy vs. Frankie Kazarian; Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin.)
**PWG Beyond The Thunderdome (Super Dragon and Davey Richards vs. AJ Styles and Chris Daniels); Cape Fear vs. Arrogance; Joey Ryan vs. Chris Sabin)
**PWG Enchantment Under The Sea (Cape Fear vs. Briscoes; Matt Sydal vs. B-Boy; Super Dragon and Davey Richards vs. Arrogance; Austin Aries vs. Kevin Steen)
**wXw World Lightweight Tournament 2006 (Ares / Baron von Hagen, Pac / El Generico, Quackenbush / Roudin, 5 Way Tournament Match)
**ECWA Super 8 Tournament 2001 (Danielson / Low Ki, Danielson / Reckless Youth, Low Ki / Billy Fives, Danielson / Spanky)
**ROH FWA IPW:UK Frontiers of Honor 2 (Sydal / Richards, Cabana / Burridge, JC Thunder / Nigel McGuinness, Danielson / Brookside / Stone)
**PWG Battle of Los Angeles 2006: Night Two (Necro Butcher/Super Dragon, Hero/Horiguchi, Evans/Castagnolli)
**PWG Battle of Los Angeles 2006: Night Three (Generico / CIMA, Hero, Claudio, Necro, Romero / Cabana, Quicksilver, M-Dogg 20, Delirious, Generico / Sabin, Richards / Strong, Evans/ Horiguchi, Richards / CIMA)
**Chikara The Crushing Weight of Mainstream Ignorance (Quackenbush / Akuma, Steel / Steel, Sweeney / Kingston, Hair vs. Mask: Jigsaw / Icarus)
**Chikara King of Trios Night One (Order of the Neo Solar Temple / Los Ice Creams, Miyawaki, Yago & KUDO / Iron Saints, Sweeny, Eliis and Ryder vs. Neo Solar Temple POSEDOWN, Shima Xion / Nobutaka Moribe)
You want to truly support independent wrestling? Then BUY MY DVDs, monkeys! The Best of Chris Hero in Europe, Volumes One and Two, on sale right now. Watch me beat the snot out of everyone all over the greater parts of Great Britain (and the lesser ones too). I even beat up all you ROH droids' favorite indie wrestler made good, that good for nothing CM Punk. I whip that dull edged loser from pillar to post with one finger in that iron man match. I didn't even break a sweat! Plus I beat on some other poor hapless jobbers and never were stiffs. So what are you waiting for morons? BUYNOW!
ROH @ 411 This Week
Apparently 411 has a bunch of losers whose main pre-occupation is writing about Ring of Honor all the time. In ONE column I've already surpassed them all, but I don't mind giving them a little bit of "the rub".
If you don't believe my results, you can always check out Brad Garoon and Jacob Ziegler's live report of last night's Detroit show.
That fool Ari has his last stand as he and the rest of those 411 Losers do Roundtable discussion of this weekend's shows. How dare they not predict me to win my match?
Samuel Berman, a half wit if I've ever read one, has this column entitled The Independent Mid Card. I guess he will never write about yours truly, considering that I never was and never will be on the mid card of ANY show. I am a perpetual main eventer!
J.D. Dunn has a review of Dragon Gate Invasion. Pearl Harbor jokes are beneath me.
Brad Garoon has a review of SHIMMER Women's Athletes Volume 6. Nothing dorkier than reviewing wrestling shows…unless you're reviewing WOMEN'S wrestling shows.
Honor Bound Links
Apparently you losers out there like this wrestling stuff, so if you are by any chance literate and capable of reading without becoming cross-eyed, here's some more links:
411 Mania is celebrating Wrestlemania 23 like its some kind of Second Coming. Puh-lease. Well, if you want to waste your time, go ahead and read these "expert" opinions on 411's Wrestlemania Roundtable Parts One, Two and Three.
Nick Marsico, what a genius! He may be the only good writer out of the whole bunch of you plebeians and sycophants. He does a tremendous job every week on his News to Start your Weekend. I read it regularly every week.
Apparently 411 went on a hiring call and brought in the worst collection of talent since the Rich Kotite era New York Jets. If you're interested in sampling their dirty wares, check them out:
What a bunch of dorks, geeks, misfits and bottom feeders. I don't know why I even bothered with this column.
This has been more than enough of my genius for one week. I don't want to overload you ROHbots from my tree of knowledge. The brain can only take so much learning each day you know. Don't fret people, I, Chris Hero will indeed be back again, right here, next week, with more Column of Hero.
Let me leave you with this, your moment of enlightenment for the week:
You are ordinary, while I am extraordinary. And the difference between "ordinary" and "extraordinary" is that little something extra.
