The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 04.05.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 04.05.2007
The Only News Report with Live Wrestlemania Analysis!!!
Welcome back to another chart-topping edition of the American Idol of news reports. With your host, the Sonjia of 411 news reporters. Regardless, what other news reporter attended Wrestlemania this year? Meehan? Don't make me laugh. Stu? Stu doesn't do anything right (ever). Csonka? Bwahahahaha. Only Small went to Wrestlemania. And lucky for you fans, I will transcribe for you my whole experience. Minus the titty bar. That stays between me, Snitsky, and dem titties.
And if that doesn't excite you, maybe all the craziest news in the world of sports entertainment will. And if that doesn't… well, maybe I will have to unleash the epic Small/Slimmer conversation that happened last weekend. But trust me, you wouldn't want to go there.
Anyway, let's get going!!!
Post-Wrestlemania WWE Newz
So Who Wants to Spoil Summerslam?
I do. According to the Wrestling Observer, "Current plans call for Vince McMahon to wrestle Rey Mysterio at SummerSlam."
The big question here is how does the WWE get to the proposed McMahon/Mysterio match when we are stuck in the non-stop disco known as McMahon/Lashley. Well fear not kids for I have developed a way for this to happen.
Step 1: McMahon/Lashley feuds through June ending with Lashley defeating McMahon in a steel cage match… Abyss debuts at the end of the match by throwing Lashley through the steel cage
Step 2: Lashley goes on to feud with the former Abyss (know known as the Masked Nasty). Since McMahon is now done with feuding with ECW, he know picks on someone his own size: the Cruiserweight Division.
Step 3: Vince puts Shane McMahon in a match against whoever the Cruiserweight champion is. It really doesn't matter who was the champion because Shane O Mac will walk out as champion with help from Vince.
Step 4: Vince continues to use a work/shoot storyline with him crapping all over wrestlers under 6'. This continues for the next six weeks until finally Rey Mysterio returns to help out all midgets over the world.
Step 5: Rey challenges Vince to a match at Summerslam!
See that wasn't that difficult. Personally, Rey won't be close to main event status on Smackdown until his knee fully heals so I have no problem with him having a semi-main event match at the second most-important PPV of the year. Plus, the WWE needs to time to transition the World Championship from the Undertaker to Ken Kennedy.
Debunking Another Popular Myth: HBK Unhappy with Wrestlemania Match
A big rumor to come out on the internet was that HBK was terribly upset with his Wrestlemania main event due to John Cena's lack of selling. In fact, he was so emotional about it that he refused to shake Cena's hand after the match and just walked away.
Thankfully, this rumor was nothing more than a giant piece of shit. First off, I too was a little perturbed about the lack of selling during the middle portion of the match, but it no way took away from the fantastic final 10 minutes. Personally, the no-selling of the knee could have been solved if Cena collapsed during his first FU attempt (rather than HBK just causally escaping).
Secondly, it was clearly obvious (and I was sitting in the fuckin' nosebleeds) that HBK was not supposed to shake Cena's hand. If he did, then the feud would have been over and HBK would have been back to being a crappy face (just like what happened after he lost to Hogan at Summerslam 05). Thankfully, he continued to tweener it up on Raw and it looks like this feud must continue!
Obviously, this rumor was started not from the dirtsheets but from Triple H himself. In the past, Triple H has derided the IWC for living in their parents' basement and writing bad stuff about him on the internet. But now with Triple H doing nothing for Wrestlemania, it only makes sense for him to write bad stuff about other wrestlers. And I don't blame him considering this next piece of news…
Meltzer Fears the H's
According to PWInsider, "Stephanie and Triple H are said to have been very upset backstage this past Sunday at WrestleMania. Dave Meltzer posted a story spoiling several segments that were going to be aired on WrestleMania.
Dave reported that Shane McMahon wanted to open the PPV as the host, standing in the ring and throwing it over to Aretha Franklin to perform. Stephanie was against this idea, resulting in it not happening. Once Triple H and Stephanie got wind of the story, both were very upset. They were determined to find the source of the leak."
In order to find the source, Stephanie has hired Jack Bauer to investigate. But since the WWE has been Muslim-free since the death of Muhammed Hassan, it looks like Bauer will only be able to torture Vladimir Kozlov. Which really isn't a bad thing after all. But hey, since Bauer can't ever lose, I suggest a grudge match between him and Hunter for Wrestlemania 24. And if you can't believe that, I bet $100 there's a better chance of that happening than Hogan/Austin.
If Only His Finisher Will be Called the Colt 45
According to this very own website, "Ring of Honor star Colt Cabana has signed a developmental deal with WWE and will report to OVW soon. Cabana was backstage at WrestleMania 23. He has also done jobber work for WWE in the past.
Cabana's final show with ROH will be on 4/28 at the Windy City Fieldhouse in Chicago Ridge. The show will in many ways be a tribute to Cabana and be called "Good Times, Great Memories."
Considering the few times I have seen Colt was on the losing side of Heat squashes, I really cannot comment about this signing. From his stats, he looks to be undersized for Vince. Here's hoping he's got the charisma and mic skills to overcome that or else he will be the next Gunner Scott.
WWE on Wii!!!!
According to the Wrestling Observer, "The first WWE game in Nintendo's motion sensored system, in early development, has things like if you want to do a power bomb, you actually motion for a power bomb, to do a crotch chop, you do a crotch chop."
So I'm guessing if you want to frustrate your friends, pick the Great Khali and chop away. You don't even have to sell!!!
If the WWE Released WWE-The Music- Vol 7 on Itunes, Would It Make a Sound?
Seeing as I have no life, I spent the latter part of yesterday searching the Itunes Music Store for a couple of new jams. Even though I just picked up a new CD recently, it never hurts to see what Apple has in their store. Well this week, they had quite a doozy: WWE the Music- Vol 7.0!
Now I remember when Vol 3 came out and debuted in the top ten on the Billboard charts. Carried by such great themes like Gangrel, X-Pac, and the Undertaker's Ministry theme (I think Ass Man was on Vol 4), the album sold almost one million copies! Nowadays, the latest version is being released as an ITunes-only album. Which of course it means it ain't gonna sell jack. Throw in the fact that the WWE has not even promoted it and I doubt anyone's bought it. Well except for me, of course!
Here's the tracklist:
1. Light a Fire – Ashley
2. Bringin' Da Hood T U – Cryme Tyme
3. Don't Waste My Time – Elijah Burke
4. Unglued – Snitsky
5. Lambeg – Finlay
6. Reality – the Miz!
7. Teacher – Matt Striker
8. Muy Loco – Super Crazy
9. Gorse – the Highlanders
10. Not Enough For Me – Michelle McCool
11. Just Look At Me – Rob Conway
12. da.ngar – The Great Khali
13. Gonna Punch Someone Tonight – Jimmy Wang Yang
14. All For the Motherland – Vladimr Kozlov
15. The End – Armageddon Theme
16. I'm All About Cool – Deuce and Domino
17. It's Time – Gregory Helms
18. Unstoppable – Bobby Lashley
19. Obsession – Mickie James
20. Smooth – Marcus Cor Von
21. Damn – Ron Simmons
Now that's a lot of theme music to digest. First off, I would like to comment on the ridiculous names for some of these songs. What the hell does da.ngar even mean? It's one thing if that was the title of a Fergie song; rather, it just leads to three minutes of Khali inspired music. Really, there's only two songs worth purchasing here: Yang's and Conway's just for the cheesiness of them. Lastly, why isn't MVP's awesome entrance here or hell even Ken Kennedy's? I would have taken both of theirs and replaced Kozlov's (who hasn't even debuted) and Matt Striker's. Regardless, this cd isn't worth a recommendation so I wouldn't even bother about it.
TNA NEWZ?
In this week's news, TNA is still in business. I kid, I kid.
Who's Booking TNA This Week?
According to the Wrestling Observer, "The booking team is Russo, Mantel and Jarrett, with Jarrett steering things and Russo and Mantel pitching ideas. The TV is written by Russo, with Mantel helping. The idea of Russo merely being a 'consultant' has turned into a joke, with Mantel calling Russo "consultant" as a rib.
Bryan Alvarez pointed out on one of his radio shows that if it looks Southern then Jarrett probably booked it, if it looks like something that would happen in Puerto Rico then Mantel probably booked it (a lot, but not all, of the Abyss storyline Mantel did with Abyss in Puerto Rico), and if it makes no sense at all, then Russo probably booked it."
Burn! I doubt I'm the first to say this but this three-person booking squad has not worked out well. Each of the three men brings such diverse viewpoints on how things should be booked that the majority of TNA storylines look to be a hodgepodge of their ideas. Granted we all make fun of the thousands of Yes Men that surround Vinnie Mac, but at least he has a constant vision (no matter how stupid). TNA just seems to float around in the water until they hit an iceberg.
I May be Paranoid, But Am No Abyss
From the Observer, "Abyss has been described as being highly insecure by most wrestlers in TNA. He is said to be notorious for following Dutch Mantel around before, during and after TNA events. Says one TNA wrestler quote, "Wherever Dutch goes, Abyss follows." One story that has been going around for quite some time is that the "paranoid" Eric Young character is actually based on Abyss' personality backstage as he was said to be very paranoid early on in his run with TNA and was spotted constantly asking if he was going to be fired."
Don't Fire Abyss. And to think, Abyss was thinking about joining the WWE a few years ago. His paranoid attitude would have led him to unemployment-ville or even worse, ECW!
Live From Wrestlemania… ME!!!!
Well kids, I finally got to live out one of my goals in life: attend a Wrestlemania. Personally, I was hoping I would have already fulfilled this one by Wrestlemania 20 but hey, shit happens. Luckily, I was able to obtain a ticket for this year's edition. You see my good ole college buddy had bought one too many tickets and needed a poor sap to join him for the Grand Daddy of Sports Entertainment. Enter Moi~
On the morning of Wrestlemania, we left Chicago (his hometown, not mine) to venture to Detroit, MI. Looking back, we should have just flown as the trip was quite uneventful. Well outside of passing 25 strip clubs and eating Burger King at 9:00 AM. Thankfully, we were in Detroit by noon-time. We stayed in the semi-famous Marriot hotel (which was given a cameo during this year's Wrestlemania). It's the hotel where the GM offices are located. In addition, it's where the WWE did its annual pre-show festivities for those suckers that paid way too much for their tickets.
Unfortunately, I was not one of those suckers. For I did not pay enough for my ticket as I wound up in section 320 row 19: yes, I was at the top of the nosebleeds. If I was more technological savvy, I would post pictures from my Wrestlemania experience only for you to laugh at how far away I was from the ring. They were selling motherfuckin binoculars dammit!!!
Regardless, I had an excellent time. It's Wrestlemania: only the truest skeptic (or girlfriend) wouldn't have fun. Hell, even the Great Khali match was enjoyable to me especially since you could hear a dime drop in the areana. And don't get me started on how awesome the Batista/Undertaker match was (I'm being serious). For those who were bitching about the crowd heat at the event, Taker/Batista had everyone on the edge of their seats. I must say that was the first time I marked out like a little schoolgirl in quite sometime. And dammit it felt good. Only at Wrestlemania, kids!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
I think I'll save the epic Small/Slimmer gchat conversation for next week. Considering we are weeks away from another PPV, I need to find something else to talk about. Maybe I'll dedicate some time to useless pop culture. Because this site needs any more of that! Until next week…
Marsico is in tomorrow!!!
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
