"Chris Hero’s" Column of Hero: 04.07.07
Posted by Ari Berenstein on 04.07.2007
You can’t get rid of me, even if you tried…oh and how people have tried. So this week yours truly prognosticates on Colt Cabana, Jimmy Jacobs, BJ Whitmer and how I am better than each and every one of them. My greatness astounds even me.
Hello you "Hero Worshippers" and even you simple minded Column of Honor idolators…welcome back to the one, the only column that is by, for and of The Hero… Column of Hero! What, did you really think that I wouldn't be back here, same Chris Hero time, same Chris Hero channel? I told you all last week, this is not a joke, not an elaborately staged hoax or even an April Fool's prank gone too far, no! This is the real deal! Like that stupid Broadway play Cats, "now and forever" you only are one click away from your weekly dose of your hero, your next generation Mr. Wonderful, Chris Hero.
Now last week, some pesky lawyers representing 411Mania.com LLC and Ashish Pabari sent some very nasty emails and harassing phone calls to yours truly and those at Sweet and Sour International, Esq. Basically they were begging and pleading for me to stop the madness and allow the former (and now deposed) writer of this column to continue to write his farce of a literary product once again. I mean, these guys are so desperate to stop me from writing this column that Larry Csonka himself, suffering from a "death flu", traveled all the way to sunny and beautiful Redondo Beach, California, to the lovely and luxurious four story, ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN room residence of one "Sweet and Sour" Larry Sweeney, so that he could have a personal conference to bargain on behalf of 411 and Ari Berenstein.
Sweeney, personal trainer and self professed horticultural expert Tank Toland and myself were all there readying our great tans and maxing and relaxing with only the finest, hottest, most barely clothed beach babes this side of Wakiki! We really had no time to deal with this mark, but he insisted, so we obliged, if only for a few seconds before we tossed his ass to the curb. It was there that the man went down on his hands and knees, literally his hands and knees, and begged, BEGGED for my mercy. Somehow, I think he was a little too familiar and too comfortable with that position.
Anyway, what he said made a lot of sense…and I adjourned to my room and had some private conversations with myself. I thought about such things as my extraordinary compassion for my fellow man and my frequent acts of charity and mercy beyond those of even Mother Theresa, such that would inspire the worship of my cult of Hero-ites. I wondered, on this Easter weekend…what would Samoa Joe do? I mean…aside from eat the entire pig on the spit roast at his Easter dinner. And then come back for seconds. Yes…I thought…and I thought… that maybe I was wrong about what I was doing here in this column…that maybe, just maybe, it was time for me to give up this Column of Hero, give it back to a man who is obviously suffering some extreme emotional, psychological and definitely financial hardships.
And then I thought…NAAAAAAAH forget it, yo home to Bel Aire!
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Did you think for once second I would loosen my iron grip on this column? You idiots! Did you think for one moment I would allow that pedantic twerp from that stinkhole swamp of a borough called Brooklyn another chance at gaining some small semblance of glory and fame, such as it is on this ether of nothingness known as the Internet? You have got to be blasted out of your freaking mind! Maybe you've drank too much wine…or maybe you think that the Easter Bunny is real (moron!) but you have got to be some superior level of stupid if you think I will EVER, EVER, EVER let Ari Berenstein write this column again!
…and yet, for some reason, my name still is not listed as the writer of this column. 411 Mania is clearly ruled by some vindictive sons of bitches. I will not rest until this matter is resolved in my favor, but for now, I've done what I‘ve always done, taken matters into my own hands and put MY name at the top billing, as it always should be. You see, 411 Mania you can do things the Chris Hero way, or the hard way, but either way, I'm going to get what I want.
Now let's get to this week's column—THE BEST column on 411 (what, do you think Stuart Craptacular and Uncle Zebekiah Calhoun are ever going to amount to anything close to the greatness of I, Chris Hero?). I of course have your Ring of Honor news that I'm sure you're all waiting for, with baited (and stinky) breath. And I will serve it to you, one mint flavored gum drop at a time.
CHRIS HERO presents: YOUR ROH Results: Supercard of Honor II – March 31st 2007 Detroit, MI
Results
Once again, that no good fool Nigel McGuinness got in my business. You see, Larry Sweeney and I were helping to introduce the great and wonderful Johnny Fairplay to that miserable, wretched, undeserving Ring of Honor crowd, when Nigel "NOAH's butt boy" McGuinness interfered. He challenged me to an impromptu match. I didn't even have time to get a good warm up sweat going with my conditioning coach and world renowned stamp collector Tank Toland. So obviously Nigel defeated me…with that ridiculous rebound lariat of his. But you see…I will admit when I have been bested by the better man…BUT THAT DID NOT HAPPEN TONIGHT! You see, I WAS CHEATED! That blind referee, he obviously gave me a fast count AND didn't see that I had my foot, arm and head in the ropes. He should have stopped the count, disqualified Nigel and awarded the match to ME!
Nigel McGuinness, we might have Pro Wrestling NOAH in common, but the similarities end there. Your time is coming my friend, your time will soon be up.
Results I Could Care Less About
-Jay Briscoe (Barbeque Sauce!) and Delirious (freak) defeated Christopher Daniels (wackadoo) and Matt Sydal (Tom Cruise wannabe) when Delirious submitted Sydal. Woop de damn doo.
-That Swiss Idiot, Claudio Castagnoli defeated Yamato Onodera (you say Yamato I say Tamato) with some new move that I wasn't paying attention to.
-Erick Stevens (HGH) defeated Mitch Franklin (the eighth dwarf, "Stumpy").
-Jack Evans (flip flop fly and fall on his ass) and Naruki Doi (sounds like an uncomedic comedy troupe) defeated Davey Richards (BUG EYES) and Rocky Romero (GLASS JAW). Romero is the newest member of the No Remorse Corps. What a great pick up that was…proving immediate dividends with a LOSS. Fools.
-Homicide (wankster) and Brent Albright (good man) went to a no contest when Adam West Pearce interfered. Colt Cabana came in for the save and the match was changed on the fly to a tag match.
-Colt Cabana (smartass) and Homicide defeated Brent Albright and Adam Pearced Nipples when Jim Cornette's interference backfired.
-Jimmy Jacobs defeated BJ Whitmer (ugly's best friend, hideous) in a steel cage match to end their feud. Jacobs hit the senton from the top of the cage through the table for the three count in a very violent and bloody affair.
-FIP Heavyweight Champion Roderick Strong (retard strength) retained the title by defeating Austin Aries (no talent) via submission.
-CIMA, Susumu Yokosuka and shingo defeated Dragon Kid, Ryo Saito and Masaaki Mochizuki in a match that was not nearly as great as any of MY matches.
He-ROH Call
ROH Champions—As of 04/07/2007
ROH World Champion—Takeshi Morishima(Godzilla's cousin) (champion since 02/17/07, 2 successful defenses)
Next Defense: Nigel McGuinness (wanker), 4/14/07 Edison, NJ
V.1 defeated BJ Whitmer via pinfall / backdrop driver (2/23/07 Dayton, OH)
V. 2 defeated KENTA via pinfall / backdrop driver (3/04/07 Tokyo, Japan)
ROH World Tag Team Champions— Jay and Mark Briscoe (Cletus) (champions since 03/30/07, NEW CHAMPIONS)
Next Defense: ? ?/??/?? ????
He-ROH's News
(via the ROHnewswire… and other sources when attributed
Someone of my superior intellect and keen sense of fashion should not be reduced to reporting the news, but since no one else on this website does it, I guess it's on me. Remember, these are the things I do for you people! And by "you people" I mean geeks and nerds.
Unfortunately we have some major injury news to report. Mark Briscoe suffered a concussion after landing bad on a shooting star press to the floor. He was in the hospital for the entire weekend. He is now questionable for 4/13 & 4/14. We hope to have an update later this week. BJ Whitmer will be forced to miss 4/13 & 14 for a neck injury he suffered in the Steel Cage Showdown against Jimmy Jacobs last Saturday. Fans are calling this brutal match the greatest cage match in ROH history. Unfortunately both Whitmer and Jacobs paid the price. Jacobs suffered worst of all. He had half of one of his front teeth chipped. Worst yet, he will need major surgery to repair a completely torn my Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) in his left knee. Jacobs will miss 6-9 months of action, but will still have a role on most of the ROH shows.
If you perverted sycophants want a full run down on Mark Briscoe's horrific (hehe) and bloody accident (ohoohhohoho) why don't (MWAHAHAHA) you read this more detailed missive from Gabe Sapolsky. The details are quite gruesome.
In addition, in news you will ONLY hear from me and not Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter (that two bit hack), Mark apparently suffered from an epileptic seizure while in the hospital. While I don't think much of the Southern Delawarian, this is most unfortunate news. I'd rather I would have beaten him into an epileptic seizure, but nature got to it first. Apparently Mark will be back in time for the shows on 4/27 and 4/28 in St. Paul and Chicago. I'd rather doubt that, but then again Chris Hero is a natural skeptic about modern day miracles.
As far as BJ Whitmer, this guy is a walking calamity case and he deserves every ounce of pain he feels in his bacne ridden body. If his neck injury isn't bad enough as it is, just wait until I get him in one of my patented CRAVATES!
Jimmy Jacobs, now there is a cat who was taken way too soon from us. Jacobs, HUSS-BABY, you will be missed. Memorial Services will be held for Mr. Jacobs at Shlotsky's Funeral Parlor on 19th and Halsted.
Seriously bro…I don't like to see any of the boys (or the girls) in the business get hurt…heal your wheel bro, heal your wheel.
Mark get well soon, you lovable ugly inbred simpleton, you.
BJ Whitmer…have fun playing Yahtzee with your 70 year old roommate in the hospital.
With more news on the injury front, here is Chris Hero. Chris Hero? Thank you Chris Hero. This is Chris Hero, reporting more updates on injuries in the ROH wrestling world at large. Dave Prazak gave an interview to the sniveling Mexican Bryan Alvarez on F4W Daily in which he said that Mark hit his head on the bottom guardrail, which caused a lot of bleeding. Mark legitimately was fighting the doctors in the hospital because he didn't realize where he was coming out of his sedation.
Prazak also reported that Rebeccca Knox attempted to do some light training at Irish Whip Wrestling in Ireland. Despite it being some light training, Knox decided that she would not return to the ring anytime soon and that a real return to the ring is at least a year away. Also on the injury front, Mercedez Martinez just underwent shoulder surgery and will be back sometime late this year. Lufisto also remains on the sidelines with a back injury and if she returns she may not do the hardcore style of wrestling and instead focus on a more technical wrestling style.
More proof that women should just stay out of the wrestling ring. Leave the work to real men like myself, Larry Sweeney and Tank Toland.
The big news of the day is that Colt Cabana has decided to move on from Ring Of Honor. Cabana, who has done just about everything he can do in his almost five year ROH run, has signed with WWE. His last ROH show will be 4/28 in his hometown of Chicago. Cabana will face Adam Pearce. These two have a long history going all the way back to Cabana's start in the business. There is much more on Cabana's final ROH run in an article on the main page of ROHwrestling.com. You can get tickets for Cabana's final ROH shows on 4/13 in Long Island (vs. Delirious), 4/14 in Edison (vs. Doug Williams), 4/27 in St. Paul (teaming with Homicide vs. Adam Pearce & Brent Albright in an Anything Goes match) and 4/28 in Chicago…
You can read more about this WONDERFUL, GLORIOUS news on Ring of Honor's website. What, do I have to do all the work for you? As far as Colt goes, good riddance. I'll have more comments on him later, but for what its worth right now, if we can get rid of Cabana and just a few other trouble makers, then ROH may actually turn out to be a pretty decent place. Maybe.
There were a lot of surprised in Detroit. Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin, The Motor City Machine Guns, challenged Jay Briscoe to a ROH World Tag Title Match on 4/28 in Chicago. Shelley & Sabin have made a name for themselves as a tag team in Japan. They added fuel to the fire by jumping Jay while Mark Briscoe was being taken out on a stretcher after the shooting star press. The Briscoes vs. Shelley & Sabin for the ROH World Tag Team Titles is official for Chicago.
Motor City Machine Guns? Is this what passes for tag team names nowadays? PUH! THeT! iC! The "Kings of Wrestling" is by far a much more magnificent and awe-inspiring tag team name. I'm glad I came up with it. What, are you telling me Shelley and Sabin are actually "packing"? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now that's entertainment!
Another surprise saw Jim Cornette return to try to attack Homicide. Cornette enlisted Brent Albright, Adam Pearce and Shane Hagadorn. Colt Cabana came to Homicide's side and they teamed up for the first time ever exactly one year from their brutal "Better Than Our Best" Chicago Street Fight. This feud will continue on 4/13 in Long Island when Homicide faces Brent Albright one-on-one. Cornette is not currently scheduled for any upcoming ROH events, but he has promised Albright a huge payday if Albright can take out Homicide in Long Island.
On the one hand, I still harbor some ill will towards Jim Cornette for his involvement in the ROH vs. CZW war, but on the other hand I can really respect a guy like Jimmy. He has no compunctions about taking on that ghetto idiot, Homocide. I support Jim Cornette's war of terror against that thug and if he needs any of my help, well, don't ask!
Rocky Romero is the newest member of the No Remorse Corps along with Roderick Strong and Davey Richards. Romero will team with Strong and Richards in the Six Man Elimination Match in Long Island. They will be opposed by Austin Aries, Matt Cross and a third member to be announced. Aries has hinted that we might need to wait until the night of the show to find out the new member of his faction.
Austin Aries told us that he has found a new top prospect to join his faction and team in Long Island when Aries, Matt Cross and the mystery member face The No Remorse Corps of Roderick Strong, Davey Richards & Rocky Romero in an Elimination Match. Aries will reveal the new member and the name of his faction on 4/13 in Long Island.
Let me tell you, the cell phone has been ringing off the hook (that is, if cell phones had hooks) and I've been fielding calls left and right from Jack Evans, Roderick Strong and Austin Aries. Let me tell you I'm considering all options and will field offers until I find a price I am comfortable with. Then I will double that price. As far as this elimination match in Long Island goes, I'm sure it will be great—I enjoy watching spectacles of violence and watching others beat themselves up with no possible achievement of any real goals in sight.
Larry Sweeney brought Johnny Fairplay to ROH last Saturday. We will have highlights (or what many would call lowlights) of this in the next ROH Video Wire.
WHY!!! How dare ROH! Johnny Fairplay is a fine upstanding citizen of these United States. He came to the show as an invited guest of yours truly and was received with utter contempt and disrespect! Where was his red carpet? His plush chair? His escargot? All of those items I specifically demanded….er, politely requested from ROH officials and we received NONE of those items. Oh there will be hell to pay for this insolence!
Erick Stevens made his ROH debut last weekend with two impressive wins. Stevens has impressed in Full Impact Pro and will now be a regular part of the ROH roster. Stevens has been added to all upcoming events. Stevens will be part of a "Do Or Die" tag team match on 4/14 in Edison, NJ. It will be Stevens & Eddie Edwards vs. Kevin Steen & El Generico in Edison. The future of ROH could be determined in this match.
Stevens is quite the massive individual. He could be the next Goldberg of our generation.
Roderick Strong proved that he is the guy to beat last weekend with victories over former Generation Next stablemates Austin Aries and Jack Evans. Strong is looking to take out a ROH icon in St. Paul. It will be Strong vs. Christopher Daniels and if Strong makes it past the FIP shows on 4/20 & 21 with the FIP World Heavyweight Title, he will put it on the line against Daniels in St. Paul.
There will be even more "Good Times, Great Memories" in Chicago as another huge main event match has been signed. It will be a rematch from one of the best matches of last weekend as Roderick Strong takes on Jack Evans in a grudge match.
Strong vs. Daniels, now THAT'S action! Of course, both men pale in comparison to my prowess and ability. If I wanted that FIP Heavyweight Title, all I'd have to do is SNAP my fingers and it would be mine. Meanwhile, I also support Strong and Evans continuing to fight against each other. I hope Strong snaps Evans like a twig!
Kevin Steen has been added to the 4/27 St. Paul event.
Who? Oh yeah. The chubby kid. More on him later.
Hero-rarium
-I was perusing through some of 411's lesser columns (in comparison to my own of course) and I chanced upon this pig's slop of commentary entitled Fact or Fiction. Inside this column there was a debate about Colt Cabana's chances of making it in WWE. Both men—of whose names I am too busy to remember and wouldn't care to recall even if I did—claimed that Colt Cabana would not make it in WWE. And I…agree with them! Will wonders never cease? Colt, you are never going to make it in the big time. CM Punk's success, such as it is, is just the exception to the rule that NO ONE from the independent scene will succeed in that place. You are doomed to failure though not because of that company, but because you are simply put, a buffoon. A jester. A clown. There is simply no room at the top for buffoons. Goodbye you simpleton, we'll see you again in less than ten months.
-While Ring of Honor was holding its quote unquote largest and biggest wrestling events in Detroit, a far more impressive event was occurring that weekend in Detroit. Yes I am speaking of the Granddaddy of them all, the true BEST WRESTLING SHOW EVER—WRESTLEMANIA 23!. ROH could never hope to be better than anything put out by WWE. In the span of three and a half hours we saw such AWESOME, KICK ASS WWE SPONSORED SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT moments such as THE MIDGET (OHHOHO!), THE HAIR MATCH (YES!) and the WOMEN (gotta love it)! All you ROHbots can never know the greatness that is WWE programming. So before I move on, some final Wrestlemania 23 thoughts—props to Kennedy, John Cena, Lashley and Batista and booo to CM Punk, Steve Austin and Chris Benoit.
-In news outside of Ring of Honor, it will be I vs. that Swiss Bitch Claudio on an upcoming Chikara Pro Wrestling show. If I win Claudio must rejoin The Kings of Wrestling. Let me tell you, this is going to be a lot of fun. Not only will I prove myself superior to Castagnobody one more time, but this will end up becoming his ULTIMATE HUMILIATION! When Claudio rejoins The Kings, he will not be an equal to me or to my protégés Chuck Taylor, Gran Akuma and Icarus, but rather he will be our errand boy. He will fetch us our wrestling gear, get our morning and afternoon coffees, and even drive us wherever we go as our own personal chauffeur. And we won't tip him one red cent.
Check out this very special YouTube shoot promo (when I do it, it's cool, but anyone else? You're dorks!) I conducted just recently for more of my comments on Claudio Castagnoli.
-You know what it's time for… CRAVATES!
CRAVATE!
CRAVATE!
Dear Delirious (AND HERO!)
While I was looking for more features to include in this column, it was just happenstance that I came upon a crumpled up old piece of paper on my desk. In this piece of paper was the cell phone number of that crazy lunatic Delirious. How did I know it was his number? Well it was written as such: BLAH-BLAHBLAH-BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH (then the number).
So Delirious tells me he hasn't heard from that moron writer in a few months and he was wondering when he was going to be able to answer some more emails of advice. Well, I didn't have any of those emails but I quickly scrounged up some questions from my fellow Kings of Wrestling members Gran Akuma, Icarus and Chuck Taylor. Hey, don't ever say Chris Hero doesn't do something for his fellow man. Or half-man, half lizard, as it were.
First question, from Icarus: "What is your favorite tattoo? It has to be mine, the one with the winged angel on my back, right? Your answer better be yes."
"BAHBAHBAHBAHBAHNOOOOOOOBAHBAHBAHBOOO!"
I'll translate that for Delirious. What he said Icarus was "Your tattoo is awesome and no one can duplicate its awesomeness! Yeah! I commend you sir on your good taste."
"BAH? NOBAH!"
Shut up Delirious!
"Bahwhimperbah."
Next question, from the great Gran Akuma: "Yeah, uh…I got a question…with the Battle of the Billionaries over, who has the better set of bald hair, Mr. McMahon, or ME, Gran Akuma?"
"BAHBAHBAHSTEVEAUSTINBAHBAH!"
Allow me to once again translate for Delirious: "Gran Akuma, it is clear and beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU are in fact, THE best looking bald wrestler on the planet. There is no comparison whatsoever. You are the man!"
"BAHBAHBAH!"
Listen Delirious, do you want to get paid for this or not?
Finally, from our newest Kings of Wrestling member Chuck Taylor: "Rah! Scared you didn't I Delirious? Of course I did. Anyway, I'm just wonderin about your opinion of my fine fashion sense. Seriously, how good do I look?"
"BAH…"
Let me cut Delirious off right there. How dare you Delirious speak to Chuck that way? For shame. Of course. I can answer that question for you. Chuck Taylor is the man with the fashion sense of kings and queens. You are the best looking guy this side of a Men's Warehouse. Let no one tell you different.
That will wrap up this month's edition of Dear Delirious. Any final words Delirious?
"BAHBAH$BLAH?"
Oh right your payment. Akuma, bring it on over here. Just dump it. There you go Delirious, a month's worth of fish heads Great job this month.
Hero Takes On…
You know…for some reason, I don't think that was the real Delirious…
Back by popular demand is easily my favorite part of this column, where I can tell you the straight truth about the other "wrestlers" in ROH, my opinion of them, and my outlook for their bleak futures, its time for Hero Takes On, so lets jump on in.
Colt Cabana---6'1", 235 lbs.---ahh…Colt Cabana. I'm not quite sure what to say about this comedian turned wannabe wrestler, as he is leaving the indy scene to search for his higher calling in the circus, oh, I meant the WWE. I will commend Colt on his European wrestling talents, but what you probably didn't know is that when he went overseas, he was copying me, trying to become a more well rounded competitor, once again, like me, your hero, Chris Hero. He even copied me by forming a tag team, the Second City Saints with his training partner, CM Punk (who by the way, I've beaten at least a hundred times), to emulate the Swiss idiot and myself. I'm glad to see him leave ROH, as his kind of comedy doesn't belong between the ropes. Good luck in the circus, buddy. Don't let the door hit you where god split you.
Jimmy Jacobs---5'7", 170 lbs. --- I used to think that Jimmy was just a sideshow act. A master of midget wrestling if you will. However, in the last few months, Jimmy has revealed himself to be quite the lunatic, a man in need of deep psychological examination, or maybe, in need of the love of a good woman. He needs to wise up and realize that Lacey wouldn't piss on his head if it was on fire, and focus himself on wrestling, and get away from all that insanity that he's been stuck in with Mr. Horse-face, BJ Whitmer, because it's not going to lead him towards anything good. I mean, just look at him after that cage match last week in Detroit. Now, Mark Briscoe isn't the only toothless wonder in ROH. What a set of aspirations. I aspire to be a World Heavyweight Champion, and this guy aspires to be toothless, crippled and blue-balled. What a shame.
Mark Briscoe---6'0", 190 lbs.---the toothless wonder, Mark Briscoe. Where do I begin with this maniac? First he loses the teeth. Then he does the SSP off the top of a semi truck. Then he practically kills himself last weekend in Detroit. Where does the "redneck-flyboy" go from here? Maybe diction lessons? Or maybe he'll learn how to read. That could help him in his everyday life, which might be closer for him than he thinks, what with all his rough landings lately if you know what I mean. I do have a certain level of respect for Mark and his brother, Jay as they are also Pro Wrestling NOAH alumni, and have even held NOAH gold, so that means they must be at least serviceable in the ring. It's not like they worked against Misawa or anything, but its okay. They can dream. I hope Mark has a good time convalescing in good ole Dixie, man's up (LOL), and comes back soon, so that me, and whatever partner of my choosing can take the tag titles from around their inbred waists.
Chris Sabin---6'0", 200 lbs.--- Now, its been a while since I have seen Mr. Sabin up close and personally, but from what I've seen of him lately on the TNA show, I can only say that this guy is hysterical, and a halfway decent wrestler, albeit, not even close to my level of ability. He seems to have at least some level of in ring proficiency, but it is limited. He is one of those jumping bean guys, who flies all over the place, but doesn't have a good ground game, or the mastery of a lethal maneuver like the cravate! I am interested to see how he fares in ROH, as he has only done one or two matches here, and has only had limited success, unlike yours truly. I will say this about Mr. Sabin. I like his stance against the "old guard" of wrestling. I'm also sick and tired of hearing these codgers tell us how it used to be back in the old days. It's our time, so go get your pills, get back in the wheelchair, and try not to soil your Depends undergarments.
Alex Shelley---5'10", 200 lbs.---Now this is a guy I like. He has one of the worst attitudes I've ever encountered in the wrestling world, and you know what that means, right? He will go far. He doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him, and is willing to tell the ROHbots exactly what they can do with themselves. I know from watching older ROH DVD's that Mr. Shelley has had some issues with the former writer of this column, berating him on multiple occasions at ROH live shows, foremost, calling him a "fat boy" at Steel Cage Warfare. What a classic! I'm actually really excited to see what he and Sabin can do when they take on the Briscoe's later this month. Now, while the "Motor City Machineguns" are nowhere near the Kings of Wrestling, I think that they have a great deal of potential, and could become a great team. Maybe I should tell Larry to give these guys a call, and see if they want to join the revolution that is Chris Hero.
Kevin Steen---5'10", 220 lbs.---My old PWG pal, Kevin Steen, or as I like to call him, the "Pillsbury Dough Boy". Could he be anymore pale and pasty? I mean, sure he is from Canada after all, but come on, buddy, get yourself to a tanning salon. To make this all more offensive, he calls himself "Mr. Wrestling"? Come again? How can a reject like this, call himself "Mr. Wrestling"? He doesn't even wear a mask or use to knee lift to finish his opponents. What a sham. If anyone in ROH should be called Mr. Wrestling, it should be me, Chris Hero. Another thing about Mr. Steen. Hasn't he already tried and failed to make the ROH roster in the past? Why is this bloated loser getting another shot, while it took the nitwits in the front office so long to give me my FIRST chance in ROH. I earned my spot the RIGHT way, by defeating ROH's top stars, and the promotion itself in the ROH-CZW war. Where is the equity in that?
Christopher Daniels---6'0", 210 lbs.---the old guard, the has been, the never was of ROH, Chris Daniels. What a loser and I mean that in a variety of ways. However, my mother told me a long time ago that if I didn't have anything nice to say about someone, to not say anything at all, so, I shouldn't say anything ever again about this old fart. I will just say this. Please, go back to the retirement home, we don't need you here anymore. ROH has passed you by, and its time to hit the bricks, old man. You know how old Daniels is? I heard that he invented the headlock. How about that? Adios, pops, your time is over. It shouldn't be too long before the reaper comes looking for you.
Erick Stevens---6'0", 235 lbs.---now, I'll honestly tell you that I don't know too much about this guy, but I did get to see him on the Detroit shows, and he doesn't look too bad, but then again, he only wrestled some ROH Wrestling school numbskulls, so, its really hard to tell. I have heard that he was trained by Roderick Strong, so whatever that's worth, I guess he's proficient in boring the crowd to death, doing backbreakers, and cutting novacaine style promos that slam the brakes onto a halfway decent card. If the ROH nitwits allow a student of Roddy's anywhere near a live mike, there might be issues. I've also heard that Erick is some sort of champion in that joke of a promotion, Full Impact Pro Wrestling, down in the land of the elderly, Florida. I'm not sure what that means in the grand scheme of things, but it does speak volumes about that promotion. Roddy is the champ, and this guy is their secondary champ? I guess they like putting their fans to sleep down there. Now I know why when I saw that FIP DVD there were NO FANS in the building. That's just sad. And from what I hear, the ROH nitwits see this as the future of the company? I guess I should start thinking along the Cabana route if that's the case.
Jason Blade---5'10", 190 lbs.---Who? Never heard of him.
Well, that's Hero Takes on for this week. More to come. Too bad we ended with that guy. From what I heard, when he wrestles, no one wins.
He-ROH Preview: Takeshi Takes Long Island: 4/13/07—Long Island, NY
8pm start
Sports Plus Entertainment Center
110 New Moriches Road
Lake Grove, New York 11755
International Main Event
ROH World Champion Takeshi Morishima & Chris Hero with Larry Sweeney vs. Nigel McGuinness & Doug Williams
I must admit, this will be an awesome main event, if I do say so myself…and I do. Of course I will more than handle my own end of the bargain. Meanwhile if Morishima can be content with the Drake's Coffee Cakes I have provided for him (In lieu of his first favorite, Ring Dings), then we will get along just fine. Oh and Morishima, while I know you will be fighting Nigel McGuinness the next night in Edison, New Jersey, for this night, he is all mine! Satisfy yourself with that trollop Williams. Nigel, its time for you to experience the Cravate!
Faction Warfare Elimination Match
Austin Aries, Matt Cross & ??? vs. Roderick Strong, Davey Richards & Rocky Romero
My spider sense tells me that this so called mystery partner will not in fact be gravy grease Bobby Dempsey or the midget dwarf guy, um, what's his name? Pelle Primeau, right, right…how can I remember? Anyway I'm sure these guys will beat the snot out of each other and will entertain the crowd, but my main event match will blow this away by miles.
Grudge Match
Homicide vs. Brent Albright
I hope that Albright teaches Homocide a lesson he will never forget. If Cornette's money isn't good enough, maybe I'll chip in a cool, crisp tenner. Albright's offense has been feared by many a man (not me of course) and I'm sure he'll focus on ripping the arms out of Homocide's socket. It's a good strategy to employ, but not as good as using a CRAVATE!
Non-Title Match
Jay & Mark Briscoe (if able to compete) vs. El Generico & Kevin Steen
Mark remains questionable for this match, which means either a handicapped match or Jay will be forced to find another partner. He could do worse that Delirious, who was his partner last week. I'm sure they have much in common, including the ability to speak as if they have marbles in their mouth. El Generico and Kevin Steen, well, they're not much, but they should be enough to take out a redneck.
Special Challenge Match
Jack Evans vs. shingo
Again, NO CAPS LOCK for that mullet guy. What did he ever do to deserve capitalization? Anyway, hmmm, let me guess what this match will be about—Evans will fly around a lot and then kill himself botching a spot…and then shingo will hit a bunch of stiff offense and kill Evans with something far inferior to the Hero's Welcome. BORING.
Special Attraction Match
Colt Cabana vs. Delirious
Another rematch from an earlier show. Geez, Ring of Honor is really running out of ideas, aren't they? They're hitting the bottom of the well AND the bottom of the gene pool with this one. I'd feel kind of bad for Cabana, having Delirious be one of his last matches, but well, its Colt Cabana and I couldn't give one about him.
SHIMMER Bonus Match
Daizee Haze vs. Sara Del Rey
So long as after the match and they've had their fun they come back and bring my bags to the car, I'm fine with this match on the card.
Plus more to be announced with Claudio Castagnoli; Eddie Edwards; Jason Blade, Shane Hagadorn, Pelle Primeau and others!!!
You know this would be a great night of wrestling action…if it wasn't in the cesspool known as Long Island, New York. Seriously, get a pulse geeks.
Going Home
Hero Hate Mail
You know, last week I stated there would be no more emails in this column… but then I received the following email communication…and I have now softened my stance about emails.
The following is from the only GOOD columnist on 411 right now (other than yours truly), Rob Halden, who does the new column You're an Idiot / Genius and Here's Why:
Subject: Hero pwned Berenstein I'm new to 411 and fully intended on writing a letter of admiration and awe to various existing 411 writers. I've been a fan or Ari Berenstein for some time now. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he was my online literary hero. He was the reason I wanted to get into this crazy, rock 'n' roll lifestyle that is being an IWC writer. So this letter was supposed to be gushing with praise for Ari.
Until Chris Hero turned him out like a $2 call-girl in the Column Of Hero.
Once upon a time, I would have considered it an honour to be featured on the same site as Ari. But Berenstein isn't my hero anymore, not now that the one and only Chris Hero has conquered the IWC.
-Rob
I kind of like this email business now. Rob, you're a genius and here's why: you recognize the greatness that is Chris Hero and the dim-witted lack of genius that is Ari Berenstein. Sure you thought he was great, but you saw the error of your ways. ANOTHER HERO WORSHIPPER CONVERTED! Stick with me kid and you'll go places.
That's all the email that you deserve to read today!
**The Independent Buy In**
Support independent pro wrestling, ROH or non ROH, I don't care. But if you out there are spending so much time complaining about how WWE sucks, then dammit, spend some money so you won't have to spend so much time complaining. This list stays in the column and will be added to as the year goes on. Remember: don't bow out, BUY IN!
2007
**PWG Battle of Los Angeles 2006: Night One (Strong / Romero, CIMA / Cross, Deliirous / Generico, 8 Man Tag)
**SHIMMER Women's Athletes Volume 6 (MsChif / Melissa Last Woman Standing, Rebecca Knox / Allison Danger Pure Rules)
**PWG Hollywood Globetrotters (Super Dragon and Davey Richards vs. Roderick Strong and Jack Evans; Cape Fear (El Generico and Quicksilver) vs. Arrogance (Chris Bosh and Scott Lost); B-Boy vs. Frankie Kazarian; Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin.)
**PWG Beyond The Thunderdome (Super Dragon and Davey Richards vs. AJ Styles and Chris Daniels); Cape Fear vs. Arrogance; Joey Ryan vs. Chris Sabin)
**PWG Enchantment Under The Sea (Cape Fear vs. Briscoes; Matt Sydal vs. B-Boy; Super Dragon and Davey Richards vs. Arrogance; Austin Aries vs. Kevin Steen)
**wXw World Lightweight Tournament 2006 (Ares / Baron von Hagen, Pac / El Generico, Quackenbush / Roudin, 5 Way Tournament Match)
**ECWA Super 8 Tournament 2001 (Danielson / Low Ki, Danielson / Reckless Youth, Low Ki / Billy Fives, Danielson / Spanky)
**ROH FWA IPW:UK Frontiers of Honor 2 (Sydal / Richards, Cabana / Burridge, JC Thunder / Nigel McGuinness, Danielson / Brookside / Stone)
**PWG Battle of Los Angeles 2006: Night Two (Necro Butcher/Super Dragon, Hero/Horiguchi, Evans/Castagnolli)
**PWG Battle of Los Angeles 2006: Night Three (Generico / CIMA, Hero, Claudio, Necro, Romero / Cabana, Quicksilver, M-Dogg 20, Delirious, Generico / Sabin, Richards / Strong, Evans/ Horiguchi, Richards / CIMA)
**Chikara The Crushing Weight of Mainstream Ignorance (Quackenbush / Akuma, Steel / Steel, Sweeney / Kingston, Hair vs. Mask: Jigsaw / Icarus)
**Chikara King of Trios Night One (Order of the Neo Solar Temple / Los Ice Creams, Miyawaki, Yago & KUDO / Iron Saints, Sweeny, Eliis and Ryder vs. Neo Solar Temple POSEDOWN, Shima Xion / Nobutaka Moribe)
You want to truly support independent wrestling? Then BUY MY DVDs, monkeys! The Best of Chris Hero in Europe, Volumes One and Two, on sale right now. Watch me beat the snot out of everyone all over the greater parts of Great Britain (and the lesser ones too). I even beat up all you ROH droids' favorite indie wrestler made good, that good for nothing CM Punk. I whip that dull edged loser from pillar to post with one finger in that iron man match. I didn't even break a sweat! Plus I beat on some other poor hapless jobbers and never were stiffs. So what are you waiting for morons? BUYNOW!
Also, be sure to check out my MYSPACE account for great DVD releases such The Best of Chris Hero in CZW (Hint, its EVERY match I've wrestled). CZW--NOW THAT'S GREAT INDEPENDENT WRESTLING!
ROH @ 411 This Week
Why anyone else continues to waste their time writing about Ring of Honor when I am here and obviously a far better writer is mind boggling. Yet once again, 411 has devoted their bandwidth to this god forsaken company. I'll once again do my best to "put them over" even though not one of them has welcomed me into the 411 family with open arms. Not even a simple fruit basket. Ingrates.
J.D. Dunn has a review of the so called greatest ROH match of all time, Samoa Joe vs. Kenta Kobashi and the rest of the show entitled Joe vs. Kobashi. Me? I think that match is waaaaay overrated. It's just a chop fest and Kobashi doesn't do ANY moves. Besides, I could take him. And Joe too.
Dunn also has reviews of Black Friday Fall Out and Dethroned… I can't recall what happened on that show. Must not have been all that important.
That little puke Samuel Berman writes up an Independent Mid Card about Punk and Cabana vs. Whitmer and Raven
Honor Bound Links
Apparently there are some other columns and news reports here. I couldn't care to link to them, except to show you how obviously more advanced I am in my scholarship of all things wrestling.
I don't think much of the MeeThinks Weekend Spectacular. Another guy who can't spell for Shakespeare… METhinks MORON! METHINKS YOU ARE A MORON!
Nick Marisco didn't mention me in this week's News To Start Your Weekend. I'm starting to think that Nick Marsico isn't a big a fan of Chris Hero as I thought. Maybe I ought to take my approval of one Nicholas Marisco off the table, until such time as I, Chris Hero, am properly respected.
I have been advised about Sat and Uncle Trunx and their columnHigh Road / Low Road. Now I wish I had never heard of them.
Joe Estee has a nice concept with his Keys to the Game column, but sooner or later he better do a Keys to the Game column about The Kings of Wrestling.
Larry Csonka and his 3R's are evil and by the end of the year I will drive him out of 411, for good!
Rob Halden is certainly a great, great man and also A Genius and Here's Why. Rob, you are so very close to gaining an official invitation to join The Kings.
Michael Weyer is Shining A Spotlight, which is funny enough because I don't think he possesses enough intelligence to hold a flashlight, much less a spotlight.
Truth Be Told Bayani STILL doesn't know how to spell.
That is enough for the week in Hero, because quite frankly, we don't have enough days of the week to fit in all of my greatness and all of my glory. Don't worry my plebeians, because I will of course be back once again next week. There's nothing Ari can do and there's certainly nothing 411 Mania can do about that.
Next week, I'll give you the scoops on the fantastic victory myself and Takeshi Morishima had on April 13th. Let me leave you with this, your moment of enlightenment for the week:
When you are feeling lower than your lowest, you reach within you and you see if you have what it takes. You probably don't…but I, Chris Hero…certainly do.
