Just Spose 4.18.07
Posted by Ron Gamble on 04.18.2007
"All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies." - Bokonon
He was sitting on a rock. He was barefoot. His feet were frosty with ice-nine. His only garment was a white bedspread with blue tufts. The tufts said Casa Mona. He took no note of our arrival. In one hand was a pencil. In the other was paper.
"Bokonon?"
"Yes?"
"May I ask what you're thinking?"
"I am thinking, young man, about the final sentence for The Book of Bokonon. The time for the final sentence has come."
"Any luck?"
He shrugged and handed me a piece of paper.
This is what I read:
If I were a younger man, I would write a history of human stupidity; and I would climb to the top of Mount McCabe and lie down on my back with my history for a pillow; and I would take from the ground some of the blue-white poison that makes statues of men; and I would make a statue of myself, lying on my back, grinning horribly, and thumbing my nose at You Know Who. – Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
Kurt Vonnegut was my favorite living author before last week; now, I think it appropriate to remove the qualifier "living" from that claim. I have read almost all of his books (I believe "Timequake" is the only one I have missed, but there may be another somewhere down the line). "Breakfast of Champions" may be my favorite, and "Slaughterhouse Five" may be seen as his masterpiece, but "Cat's Cradle" gets overlooked as a great satire about man's role in the end of the world. The "ice-nine" written about above is a chemical which freezes water at 114.4 degrees Fahrenheit, developed by a scientist after a Marine general complained about Marines crawling around in the mud. In the book, Kurt answers the bang-vs.-whimper question about how the world will end. That's all I will say about that.
I'm sure you've heard by now about how Vonnegut was one of the survivors of the Bombing at Dresden. For years, he told people he was writing a book about that night, which twenty-three years later became "Slaughterhouse-Five." This is what he wrote to Seymour (Sam) Lawrence, literary agent, about his book, which became part of the first chapter:
It is so short and jumbled and jangled, Sam, because there is nothing intelligent to say about a massacre. Everybody is supposed to be dead, to never say anything or want anything ever again. Everything is supposed to be very quiet after a massacre, and it always is, except for the birds.
And what do the birds say? All there is to say about a massacre, things like "Poo-tee-weet?"
I have told my sons that they are not under any circumstances to take part in massacres, and that the news of massacres of enemies is not to fill them with satisfaction or glee.
I have also told them not to work for companies which make massacre machinery, and to express contempt for people who think we need machinery like that."
And so it goes.
I thank you for your indulgence in my latest extended absence. I've been having some personal… well, "problems" is too strong. "Personal nuisances" is more correct. Anyway, these nuisances, which I will not bother you with, have distracted me for the past few weeks. I do apologize, and I will do my best not to do this in the future without some kind of warning. Then again, I say that every time, so take from that what you want.
No other comments about anything this week, not hockey or Don Imus or Alberto Gonzales or Virginia Tech. You don't need them. On to the stuff.
BUSY, BUSY, BUSY
Bobby Heenan argued with referee Lord James Blears, keeping his back to the action in the ring. The two men struggled to get to their feet.
Heenan threw a foreign object to the ring, still keeping Blears' attention away from the match. Both men fought for it, and one man stood tall, holding the object in his hand. Unfortunately for Heenan, it was not the man he intended. After an enhanced punch, Nick Bockwinkel fell to the mat. The other man fell on top, and after Blears turned around and slapped the mat three times, the crowd in St. Paul, MN, erupted. The ring announcer made it official:
"The winner of the match, and new AWA Heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan!"
Two days later, AWA president Stanley Blackburn reviewed the tape of the match. He ruled that, yes, Hogan did use a foreign object. However, Heenan introduced the object into the match with the intent of Bockwinkel using it. If Hogan brought the object into the match, he would have no choice but to reverse the decision. However, since Heenan threw it into the ring, the decision would stand. On April 18, 1982, Hulk Hogan became the AWA World champion.
In the world we know, Blackburn reversed the decision of this match, and Bockwinkel was awarded the title. One year later, on April 24, 1983, the two men met again in Minneapolis, with the exact same result. Shortly after this, Hogan went to Japan, defeating Antonio Inoki in a tournament final in Tokyo on June 2 to become the first IWGP champion. Six months later, he signed with Vincent K. McMahon to return to the World Wrestling Federation. On January 23, 1984, Hogan beat The Iron Sheik, and history was made. But, Just S'pose Hulk Hogan remained AWA champion. What might have happened?
Hogan went around the AWA defending the belt. He received huge ovations from crowds in Denver, Winnipeg, Calgary, Chicago, and Memphis, successfully defending the belt against Bockwinkel. It was now official; he had defended the belt against the former champion in the largest cities in the AWA. The era of Hulk-Mania had begun.
He appeared on AWA All-Star Wrestling two weeks later, holding the belt. He thanked Blackburn for upholding the decision in St. Paul, then thanked Bockwinkel for being a classy champion, and Heenan for the foreign object: "I didn't need it, brother, but when you threw it in the ring, I knew if I didn't get it, Nick would." He then said he was willing and able to defend the title against anyone in the AWA, and would defend the title anywhere and everywhere.
As soon as he said this, Heenan came out and yelled at Hogan, saying the only reason he beat Bockwinkel was because of the object. "Everyone knows that you can't beat Nick Bockwinkel without cheating. Verne Gagne couldn't beat Nick without choking him out, and you couldn't beat him without knocking him out! Just because Stanley Blackburn is too senile to recognize the truth, that doesn't mean I have to shut up about it!"
Hogan approached Heenan, and as he did, Ken Patera ran from the back and hit Hogan from behind. He was quickly followed by other members of Heenan's Family, including Bockwinkel, Ray Stevens, Bam Bam Bundy, and Big John Studd. The six of them kicked and punched Hogan until other wrestlers emerged from the back, including Greg Gagne, Jim Brunzell, Bruiser, Crusher, and Sgt. Slaughter.
Slaughter's appearance to defend Hogan was a surprise to many in the studio, as he was a "bad guy." Later in the show, when asked about his reasons for jumping in, he said, "Sometimes, you just have to stand up for what is right. Heenan's gang beating up a guy, even Hogan, in a six-on-one mugging is wrong in the streets, and it's wrong in a wrestling ring." Some in the studio audience clapped for him, while others booed.
The next week on television, Hogan teamed with Crusher to take on Ken Patera and Big John Studd. At the end of the match, Heenan's family attacked Hogan again, beating him down and leaving him in the middle of the ring. Slaughter tried to enter the ring, but he and Crusher were beaten down. Patera approached the announcing position and screamed, "I WANT HOGAN!"
Over the next month, Hulk Hogan and Ken Patera went around the circuit, with each match ending in a double-disqualification. Business, as the saying goes, was about to pick up.
On television in June, Hogan wrestled Sgt. Slaughter. The match went on for ten minutes before Heenan's Family ran in and jumped both men. The next week, in Minneapolis, Hogan and Slaughter teamed up to beat Patera and Bundy. Slaughter's face turn was complete.
Patera continued facing Hogan as the Heenan Family's challenger-of-the-month, with support from Bockwinkel, Bundy, Studd, and Stevens. In between matches with Patera, Hogan defended the title against Jesse Ventura, Adrian Adonis, Larry Zbyszko, and Doug Somers, and teamed with Slaughter to take on various pairs in tag team matches. At the end of May 1982, "Rocky III" was released, including Hogan's role as Thunderlips, wrestling champion facing Rocky Balboa in a charity match. Hogan went from "wrestler" to "superstar" overnight.
On July 4, while WWF champion Bob Backlund and NWA champion Ric Flair wrestled to a double-disqualification, Hogan defended his title against Masked Superstar. This became the only wrestling card in American history in which all three recognized world champions were wrestling and defending their belts (the Backlund/Flair match was a title-vs.-title match). More and more promoters wanted the magic that came with a Hulk Hogan title match. Not only was he defending the title in classic AWA cities like Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, Denver, and Las Vegas, but promoters in traditional NWA cities like Detroit, Los Angeles, Kansas City, and Houston began calling Gagne's office, asking for a Hogan defense. When promoters called from St. Louis, he knew his champion was bigger than the traditional AWA area.
Hulk Hogan as AWA champion seemed to go against everything the AWA and Verne Gagne stood for. The AWA highlighted wrestling ability, with champions like Gagne and Bockwinkel, and challengers like Billy Robinson, Ray Stevens, Pat Patterson, Pat O'Connor, and Wilbur Snyder. However, for each Verne Gagne, there was a Dick the Bruiser; for each Nick Bockwinkel, there was a Bobby Heenan. Hogan had the one thing that was more important than wrestling ability: money-making ability.
Another thing Verne Gagne found was that Hogan did better, and drew bigger crowds, when wrestling against bigger men like Patera, Studd, and Bundy than he did against smaller, quicker men like Zbyszko, David Schultz, and "Mr. Electricity" Steve Regal. Since he believed in giving the fans what the wanted, he signed bigger wrestlers to throw against the popular champion.
Doug Somers and Buddy Rose went to the tag team division, to wrestle against The Midnight Rockers (Marty Jannetty & Shawn Michaels) and The High Flyers (Greg Gagne & Jim Brunzell). Schultz left the AWA when he saw his title shots were history, moving to Georgia. Zbyszko, who saw himself in the biggest angle in wrestling two years earlier against his trainer, Bruno Sammartino, found himself almost forgotten. When Verne Gagne offered him a spot as a manager, he refused and went back to the WWF. On January 18, 1983, Zbyszko defeated Bob Backlund in Philadelphia to become the new WWF World champion.
In their place, Gagne signed Nikolai Volkoff, Superstar Billy Graham, and King Kong Bundy. The AWA signed a deal for a weekly program on ESPN. The annual Minneapolis December card, "Rage in the Cage," was moved to the Metrodome, and 45,387 fans saw Hogan beat Bam Bam Bundy in a cage match.
In 1983, business continued to build. Hogan continued to beat the biggest and baddest challengers around. After the big wrestlers lost to Hogan, they found big partners and became a big tag team, beating on the smaller, quicker teams. Jim Brunzell and Greg Gagne lost their tag team titles to Bam Bam Bundy and Ken Patera. When Gagne and Brunzell won the titles back two months later, they held on to the belts for three weeks before losing to Patera and Jerry Blackwell. Kamala was brought in from Memphis, and within a month, he was getting shots at Hogan. For the first time ever, Abdullah the Butcher wrestled for the AWA title. Smaller wrestlers in the AWA joked about how much they would have to pay the ring announcer to say they weighed over 300 pounds, since that seemed to be the magic number to receive a title match. In a dig at many of them, Buddy Rose, who obviously was very close to the announced 318 pounds, would grab the microphone and announce that there was a mistake; he weighed only two hundred eighteen.
In May 1983, Hogan and Slaughter teamed against tag team champions Jerry Blackwell and Ken Patera. At the end of the match, Hogan tried to clothesline Patera, who ducked; Hogan hit Slaughter instead. Hogan was knocked out of the ring, and Blackwell pinned Slaughter to retain the titles. When Hogan climbed back in the ring to check on his partner, Slaughter asked what happened, then slapped Hogan before putting him in his finishing move, the Cobra Clutch. Slaughter's heel turn was complete.
Hogan and Slaughter had many double-disqualifications throughout the rest of the year, and it was decided to finish the feud at "Rage in the Cage," held again at Minneapolis' Metrodome. Not only did 52,186 see Hogan win the match live, but about three million watched live on ESPN, the largest audience for ESPN to that time.
1984 was more of the same for Hogan and the AWA, with one exception. While most of his challengers remained big, large, and huge, one man came to the AWA with brains bigger than his brawn. He was here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and unfortunately for Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper was all out of bubble gum.
In January, Piper walked to the interview area and laid out a challenge to Hogan. "You've gotten so used to beating up guys with big muscles, you won't know what to do when someone comes to the ring to outthink you. That's why I'm here, you see. You see, Hogan, just when you've figured out all the answers, I change the questions! You zig, I'm just gonna zag. You punch, I'll just weave. I don't have to be stronger than you; bigger people than me have tried, and bigger people than me have failed. I just have to be smarter than you, and that shouldn't be too hard. After all, it looks like your hair's leaving your head because your scalp's not smart enough to hold on to the hair. How smart can you be?"
In February, Piper got a title shot against Hogan. Instead of losing, however, he won by countout. The crowd went wild at Piper, simply because he was taunting their hero and getting away with it. In March, Piper was given another shot, and he won again, this time by disqualification when Hogan swung a chair brought into the ring by Piper. Piper became the biggest threat to Hogan's title, and he was given many shots, always coming up just short, but winning a majority of the matches by countout or disqualification.
While Hogan concentrated on Piper, Bobby Heenan continued to bring in bigger guys to challenge for the title. Jerry Blackwell and Bam Bam Bundy were joined by Kamala (and his handler, Friday), Mr. America, One Man Gang, Harley Davidson, and Plowboy Frazier. None of them were able to get the title from Hogan, but the continual beatings were taking a visual toll on the champion.
On June 6, 1984, the AWA held a card at the Meadowlands, just outside New York City. Hogan defeated One Man Gang in a no disqualification match, but that was not the biggest news that night. On that night, while Nick Bockwinkel (as manager) led his team of Doug Somers and Buddy Rose to attack tag team champions The Midnight Rockers during an interview, they were rescued by a team that announcer Ron Trongard called, "The Hawk and The Animal." The Road Warriors had come to the AWA. During the world title match, when Blackwell and Bundy came to the ring to attack Hogan, The Road Warriors made it clear they had come to support the champion.
The next few months, Hogan alternated title defenses with six-man tag matches with the Warriors against some combination of Heenan Family members. At that year's "Rage in the Cage," again at the Metrodome in Minneapolis, Hogan, Scott Hall, and the Warriors (with manager Paul Ellering) beat Blackwell, Bundy, OMG, Mr. America, and Bobby Heenan. The match was so big, they used two rings completely surrounded by a single cage, covered by a roof. The match ended when Bundy accidentally hit Mr. America with a crowbar (slipped into the ring by Bockwinkel), which then allowed Hogan to hit a legdrop for the pin. After the match, Mr. America and Bundy yelled at each other, and the other members of the team attacked him, beat him unconscious, and ripped off his mask, revealing Big John Studd. Studd's face turn was complete.
The AWA continued to do big business throughout 1985 and 1986. Hogan lost the title to Roddy Piper on July 9, 1985, who ran with it, defending against smaller men than the former champion. HulkMania continued to run wild, brother, with Hogan fending off challenges from the super-heavyweights in the group. Piper outsmarted most challengers, until he ran into Ted DiBiase on December 18, 1985, at "Rage in the Cage," this time held at the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis. DiBiase, called "The Genius" by fans in a dig at Piper, held onto the title until October 29, 1987, when Col. DeBeers beat him in Los Angeles.
The AWA held a card in Mexico for the first time in March 1989, and made regular bimonthly tours to the country after that. Soon, the lucha libre style invaded the AWA, when El Hijo del Santo defeated Tully Blanchard for the world title.
Hulk Hogan remained a viable force in the AWA after he lost the title, dividing his time between wrestling and movies. Verne Gagne went to producers in 1987 with an idea for a sequel to a movie he produced in 1974, "The Wrestler." Mike Bullard (Gagne), now retired, finds Gary Mullett (Hogan) in his gym one day, convinces him to become a wrestler, and leads him to a world title match. The movie, "No Holds Barred," did well at the box office, and led to more movie offers for Hogan.
The AWA as an entity continued to do good business throughout the 1990's, before the NWA and WWF finally managed to counter Gagne. The NWA went with a harder, more amateur-like style, while the WWF went smaller and faster than what the AWA had become known for. The NWA briefly became the number one promotion in America, until someone on the booking committee in the AWA came up with the idea of taking wrestlers from other promotions and bringing them into the AWA, while retaining their ties to the competition. Verne liked the idea so much, he allowed the booker, Eric Bischoff, to head up the group.
But, as usual when I bring up the New World Order, that's another story for another time.
AND SO ON
I'm not sure what's next. I may be doing my weekly (HA!) regular gig, or I may be doing something different. When I know, you'll know.
