The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 04.26.07

Posted by Jeff Small on 04.26.2007

It’s the Happiest Day of My Life, So Piss Off!

Welcome back to another glorious edition of the #1 Thursday News Report here at 411Mania! I'm in a wonderful mood today which some of you might enjoy. Instead of wasting your time with my negativity, I will stay positive for once on all subjects. Goodbye "TNA Bashing". Hello "TNA Ignorance."

In addition, I will once again point out my mistakes from last week's news report. Seems like over the past few weeks, I've been under the microscope in reference to almost every sentence I make. It's getting to the point where I should just have a corrections section at the beginning of every news report. Well…

LAST WEEK'S CORRECTIONS!

Did you know that Vito was not the current DSW Champion? Well, one reader of mine was kind enough to point out that the DSW Championship was being determined in a Best of Seven series between two wrestlers whose names I cannot recall. One was a Tough Enough loser.

Santino Marella is not really Russian. He just plays one on television.

Feel better now? I do.

Anyway, that's enough talk about last week's edition. It's time to move forward and see what's on tap for today. While news is still light across the world of sports entertainment, we do have a WWE PPV this coming week. Of course, my lackey is back with a BACKLASH SIMULATION!


WWE NEWZ

This Week's RNN Update

Seems as if Randy Orton's still in the proverbial shitter. Yesterday, WWE.com finally posted an update on Orton's "stomach illness"; however, their brief statement had nothing to do with the previous kayfabe storyline. Here's what they wrote: "WWE has taken action against Randy Orton for unprofessional conduct."

Pretty harsh words, right? Well, according to the Wrestling Observer, "At this point he's being punished with what is believed to be a fine, but no suspension. There was a lot of internal strife regarding this. Vince was mad because WWE was the last to report on a major story on his own talent, but--he didn't want the story reported either, so Michael Cole was only allowed to put up one line."

Pretty harsh fine, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. Seems as if Randall Orton has once again escaped the wrath of serious punishment. Good for him. If the WWE refuses to give him the correct punishment, I say, Randy go out and be the biggest douchebag you can be! Just don't almost accidentally give the Undertaker Hepatitis C like your father did. You'll be fired for that one.

Future Main Eventers?

According to the Wrestling Observer, "Mr. Kennedy, MVP, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch are getting marks from some people in management because they are studying 80s tapes of long matches to improve their ring psychology. MVP has shelves full of videos from that era of Eddie Guerrero, Dynamite Kid, Dean Malenko, Tiger Mask and Toshiaki Kawada among others."

Mr. Kennedy is already almost there. All he needs is one well-timed push to the top and we have a credible heel main eventer for years (see Edge). Recently, MVP has shown promising signs and if he keeps watching these videos then the sky's the limit for this kid. Here's hoping that he finds a better finisher during one of his viewings.

As for Cade and Murdoch, it looks as if Murdoch's been watching too much TNA judging by this past week's Raw. Lastly, the jury's still out on Cade. I say this not because he's a bad wrestler (he's not), but that his stiff style has not worked in getting over other wrestlers (like Bradshaw (not JBL)).

Sure it's no MOM/Quebecers but it's all we have

This past weekend the Women's title changed hands at a house show in Paris. In a triple threat match, Mickie James pinned Victoria in a match that involved WWE Women's Champion Melina. According to various sources, this was NOT supposed to happen as Melina was late in breaking up the pin. Please do not blame the referee for this decision. The referees are quite brainwashed by McMahon to continue to count regardless in order to "preserve" the legitimacy of the match (unless slow count is being used in a Russo-esque swerve).

Regardless, Melina defeated Mickie James to win back the title shortly after intermission. The big question is not whether the WWE records it as a title change, but rather, why do we care enough about the Women's title to ask that question?

Spoiler: Cena Retains

Oh like you weren't already aware of that. Below is the poster for July's Vengeance PPV which features a possible "Champion of Champions" match.



Sorry that's just my naked picture of Val Venis. Here's the correct one:



Much better. Personally, another Champion of Champions match would get the company no where as the whole storyline was dropped immediately after Cyber Sunday and the win meant nothing to King Booker who became title-less a month later. If this match does happen with the participants in the picture, thankfully workrate compared to last year's match would be infinitely times better.

The Return of Double A

According to the Wrestling Observer, "WWE has approached Arn Anderson about the possibility of him coming out of retirement. Triple H and Stephanie were really pushing for this. The original idea was to have him wrestle one or two TV matches with Flair to help promote the 4 Horsemen DVD.

Anderson was all for the idea but due to the legal liabilities with his condition, it would never happen. The chances of him getting injured with his preexisting injuries would be very high. The only way he'd be able to return is through a medical clearance."

Well if Kurt Angle can be medically cleared after neck surgery three months earlier then I guess anything's possible.


TNA NEWZ

It looks like everyone's unhappy except for ME!

Last week, I broke the news that Austin Aries was suspended from TNA for 90 days (okay, it was Meltzer but I copied it from him). With more on the situation, here's Bryan Alvarez from Figure 4 Weekly, "He was one of several guys asked to film a vignette on their day off, and he wasn't down with that and was asking a ton of questions about why it was necessary. TNA has now become a police state where guys are not allowed to make any statements publicly that might rock the boat, to the point where they are no longer allowed to do any unapproved radio appearances. So he argued about it, and in the end agreed to shoot the vignettes, but they were annoyed that he argued and didn't want to deal with it, so they sent him home."

DAMN. But it seems that he's not the only one unhappy with the company. Continue please Mr. Alvarez, "People are trying to get the word out that "the X-Division is unhappy", but the reality, as was apparent in interviews before the ban went into affect, is that nearly everyone in the company is unhappy. The top level guys who are making huge money and working few dates are largely fine, but even at that level there is some unhappiness. The office doesn't want to hear anything about it."

This isn't the first time that the morale of the TNA locker room has been examined (at least by me). Ron Killings had quite the "public" battle with management to the point that he's just sitting home collecting a paycheck. After top names like Sting and Kurt Angle were signed, there was a decent amount of resentment. Hell, over these last few months of the Russo Era, more and more complaints about booking has leaked out from the humorous (Samoa Joe's tripping accident) to the more serious.

Regardless, all of this needs to be taken with a grain of salt. As easy as it is to believe that TNA management is the Devil, that's not the case. I have a feeling that "outspoken" wrestlers like Aries have probably said something to the wrong person. Hence the suspension. Should TNA police their wrestlers on everything they say? No, but at the same time, allowing the inmates to run the asylum worked quite well for WCW.

Stupid Stupid TNA

According to 411Mania, "The reason that TNA is giving away the first ever Sting vs. Kurt Angle match away for free on Impact this week is likely due to the fact that they are in negotiations with SpikeTV to expand their timeslot and stronger ratings will help their cause."

What awful reasoning. If this match was hyped in advance (more than a week) and not taped, I might understand this reasoning. But considering that TNA fans (who are very internet friendly) have two weeks to find out the result of this latest "Dream Match" will lower the television ratings. And since Russo is booking, the match result is nothing more than a car crash.


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… WWE BACKLASH 2007 SIMULATION!!!

And to take it away, here's my lackey, 411's own Daniel Wilcox ! Welcome to the return of the SvR07 Simulator! Now that WWE's pay-per-views are tri-branded that means you'll be getting three times the fun in every simulation and today we've got all the predictions from this Sunday's Backlash event.

WWE United States Championship: Chris Benoit © vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
Benoit and MVP lock up center of the ring and Benoit goes behind gets a waist lock and takes MVP down. Porter up and gets a wristlock on the Wolverine but it's countered into a side headlock and another takeover by Benoit. He keeps the hold on but MVP kicks out of it and they break and stand off. MVP swings wildly but it's blocked by Benoit who connects with a right of his own. Front face lock applied by Benoit into a snap suplex. Benoit floats over and gets a quick 2 count off of it. MVP takes Benoit's legs out from under him and backs off. Benoit up and they stand off again. Back into the elbow tie-up and this time it's MVP who takes Benoit down with a waist lock. Knees to the side of the ribs of Benoit by MVP and then the challenger sets Benoit up for a surfboard. Benoit fights and must've got his foot in the rope as the referee forces MVP to break the hold only for him to keep the hold on for a few more seconds. Kicks by Porter until Benoit roles out of the ring. MVP follows and takes Benoit down with a stiff clothesline. More kicks on the floor now by the challenger. Porter drags Benoit up and whips him back first into the steel ring steps. The referee's count is at 5 so Porter rolls back in and breaks the count. MVP goes to the top rope and leaps off seemingly going for an elbow drop but misses and collides with the floor. Benoit is back in the ring and catching his breath. MVP up and Benoit with a suicide dive through the top and middle ropes! It connects! Both guys down on the floor now and the referee gets to a count of 4 before Benoit gets back in the ring. Porter follows but gets caught with a northern lights suplex from the champion. Cover gets another 2 for Benoit. Stomps now by Benoit but MVP avoids one and quickly nails a thrust kick to the jaw of Benoit. Porter covers and gets a near fall. MVP with some well placed knees to the elbow joint of Benoit. Porter seems to be working Benoit's right arm now as he applies a key lock, only for Benoit to quickly get to the ropes but again MVP refuses to relinquish the hold until the referee gets to a 4 count. Benoit up and hits a chop, a right hand, and double fisted clothesline. And another. Benoit ducks a clothesline and hits a German! Hands clasped, and a second German suplex! The Rabid Wolverine gets third! Cover by Benoit gets a 2 count! Benoit shoots MVP off the ropes and catches the challenger coming back with a knee buried in the gut. Benoit with another, this time a release German suplex! The Wolverine going to the top rope, Swandive Headbutt! Knees up by MVP. DDT by Porter and a cover gets another near fall. The challenger misses a clothesline and gets caught in the Cripple Crossface! No – MVP rolls through and gets a knee to the gut, Playmaker connects! One…Two…Thr-No! Benoit kicked out at the last second! MVP this time to the top rope and looks for an elbow drop but this time it's Benoit who blocks it with the knees. Roundhouse kick by MVP! Benoit's playing possum and gets a victory roll! It gets 3! The champion retains @ 14:57!
Winner: And STILL US Champion Chris Benoit

Match Analysis: That was actually above average for a Simulation. They went a good quarter hour back and forth and although it was nothing special it was good solid fun and a surprise ending. ***¼
SvR Prediction: Benoit retains
My Prediction: MVP

Women's Championship: Mickie James vs. Melina ©
I can't see this being too pretty but nevermind. They stare down as the referee shows off the championship to the crowd. Melina manages to miss a chop and then grabs a handful of hair and delivers a knee to the stomach of the challenger. Melina slams Mickie backwards to the canvas and applies a neck vice for a few seconds before releasing. Leg drop misses and Mickie comes back with a chop, shoots Melina off the ropes and connects with a clothesline. Melina with a chop, Mickie gets a front face lock and some stiff jabs to the face. Melina down now and Mickie stomps on her knee. Mickie goes for another move to the leg but the champion kicks her opponent in the vagina. Just calling it as I see it. Lock up now and a DDT by Melina. More leg stomping, this time by Melina. Melina now grabs a single leg Boston grab (psychology!) only for Mickie to reach the ropes. Mickie tossed into the corner and Melina now goes up for some punches. 7, to be precise. This tires Melina out (where's the stamina ladies?) but she comes back with a thumb to the eye and tosses Mickie into the opposite corner. They stand around an do nothing for a few seconds. Melina grabs a side headlock and then… lets go. Big right by the champion. Neck vice again. Melina misses a clothesline but forces Mickie to the floor and connects with a leg drop, then an elbow drop. Mickie back up and there's a wrist lock by Melina. Mickie fights back and hits a senton, and a chop, lock up, slam by Mickie. Blatant low blow by Mickie. Snapmare by the challenger but Melina fights her off with an elbow to the gut. Mickie runs into a drop toehold allowing Melina to stomp on the leg some more. Front face lock by Melina, PILEDRIVER! HOLY SHIT! That was quite funny. Mickie up quickly though but gets knocked down by a big right hand. Another single leg by Melina but Mickie escapes. Lock up, right by Mickie, lock up, big beale by James! JR calls Melina a jezebel which so far has been the highlight of the match. Surfboard by Melina for all of two seconds. Oklahoma roll finally gets 3 for Melina @ 7:52!
Winner: And STILL Women's Champion Melina

Match Analysis: Imagine a squash match between two women, 7 minutes long. Yeah, that's essentially what this was and yet it was better than the majority of women's matches on Raw. Still the piledriver was cool and I'm a bit of a mark for anything Boston crab related as it reminds me of Lance Storm so this gets a generous *.
SvR Prediction: Melina retains
My Prediction: Mickie regains

ECW Championship: Bobby Lashley © vs. Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon and Umaga
This is not tornado rules so the heels will have to tag in and out. Shane starts things off with the champion and connects with some sweet jabs. Go Shane O! Lashley comes back with a big clothesline though and that kind of knocks Shane loopy. Lashley takes McMahon into the corner and buries the shoulder into the gut three times. Lashley takes Shane up onto his shoulder, shows him off to the crowd, only for Shane to slip out the back door and hit a back suplex. Shane tags in the Samoan Bulldozer who immediately misses a leg drop. Lashley fires off with right hands but gets rocked by a chop from Umaga. Spinning heel kick by the Bulldozer! Umaga comes off the ropes and connects with a big splash. Umaga covers and gets two. The ECW Champ comes back with rights to the large gut of Umaga and takes him down with a huge SPEAR! Lashley tosses Umaga under the bottom rope and to the floor! Mr McMahon in and nails Lashley from behind and hits a neckbreaker. Lashley avoids an elbow drop and clothesline McMahon only for Umaga to connect with a top rope clothesline! Cover by Umaga gets 2. Tag to Shane O who goes straight to the top and perfectly nails an elbow drop straight into a cover for another 2 count. Lashley quickly comes back with a belly to belly suplex and a big boot. He tosses Shane into his own corner which allows him to tag in Vince! Vince comes in and takes Lashley down with a clothesline. Vince takes Lashley into the corner and hits a stinger splash of all things and gets a suplex on Lashley. Vince does some leg stomping before tagging Umaga back in. Buttalanche! Umaga's in trouble now! Samoan Spike's coming, Lashley ducks it. Another SPEAR! Cover one… two… thr-NO! Vince breaks it up. Overhead throw on Vince. Lashley to the top, crotched by Shane. Umaga flies in with his heel kick and takes out Vince. Slam by Lashley. Low blow by Shane on the champion. Umaga hits a scoop slam of his own. Now he goes to the top rope, and connects with the SAMOAN SPLASH! Cover, one…two…three! Umaga picks up the title @ 6:15!
Winner: And NEW ECW Champion, Umaga!

Match Analysis: Well I suppose it was entertaining in a perverse sort of way. The awesomeness that is Umaga made this match. **
SvR Prediction: Umaga gets the title
My Prediction: Lashley retains

WWE Championship: John Cena © vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels
Here we go. HBK chops Edge and they lock up, Orton grabs a front face lock on Cena as we get underway. Side suplex by Orton on the champ. Face lock by Edge on Orton. HBK and Cena trade blows. Edge with a back suplex on Cena. Edge dropkicks HBK. Swinging neckbreaker by HBK to Edge. Arm bar on Orton by Cena. HBK gets a back suplex on Edge. Edge and Orton lock up now. SWEET CHIN MUSIC ON EDGE! Rights by Cena to the Heartbreak Kid. RKO on EDGE! Well he's screwed already. Knees to the gut of HBK by Cena and there's a throwback from the champion. Bow and arrow on HBK broken up by Orton who now directs his attention to Edge. RKO ON EDGE AGAIN! This is ridiculous. Cena takes down Orton with a couple of clotheslines and there's the FU on Orton! Throwback on Edge and he's busted. Cena drags Edge to the middle of the ring and nails the 5 KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! HBK and Orton both break up the cover. FU ON ORTON! HBK breaks it up. This is beyond funny. Orton and Edge lock up as HBK chops Cena down. Belly to belly throw by Orton to Edge! Orton sits Cena on the second rope. SUPER RKO! No cover. Edge gets a front face lock on Orton as HBK stomps away on Cena. Bulldog on Cena by Michaels. HBK now crotches Cena on the top rope as Edge and Orton brawl on the floor. Dual crotching on the top rope! Edge and Michaels tire themselves out though and Orton hits a running fist drop on Edge. Neck/back breaker by Orton as Cena gets a surfboard on HBK. Broken up by Orton, RKO ON CENA! European uppercuts to the champion as someone tosses Edge to the floor. Michaels is tuning up the band on Orton and nails SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Gets 1 before Cena breaks it up. Dropkick to Orton from HBK. Edge back in with right hands to Cena as Rated RKO apply simultaneous headlocks on HBK and Cena. Edge slaps Cena around as HBK hits a backbreaker on Orton. Tuning up the band again and more SCM for Orton. Edge with the Edgecution on HBK but it's broken up by Cena again. It breaks down into an even more chaotic brawl as Cena gets busted open off by HBK and gets pinned! HBK wins @ 8:33!
Winner: And NEW WWE Champion, Shawn Michaels

Match Analysis: What the hell was that? It was just finisher after finisher until the lame ending. I'm not even sure what move Shawn used to get the win but it was kind of fun for the first 8 minutes 30 seconds. ***
SvR Prediction: HBK wins
My Prediction: Edge

World Tag Team Championship: The Hardys © vs. Cade and Murdoch
Jeff Hardy and Lance Cade start us off as Cade gets some clubbing shots to the small of the back early on. Cade shoots Jeff off the ropes but Hardy comes back with a flying clothesline. Kick to the gut, tornado DDT by Jeff Hardy! Jeff now applies a chinlock to Cade but that is soon broken up by Murdoch and that causes Matt to come in. Bulldog by Matt on Murdoch as Jeff nails the Twist of Face on Cade! It gets the 3 @ 2:01!
Winners: Matt and Jeff Hardy

Match Analysis: Well that was sudden. That match is unrateable. What a waste of my time.
SvR Prediction: Hardys
My Prediction: Hardys

World Heavyweight Championship Last Man Standing Match: Undertaker © vs. Batista
Side headlock applied by Taker, switches and gets a wrist lock. Dragon sleeper aka TCB. Big sidewalk slam by the champion. Lock up, chokeslam, countered with a kick to the knee by The Animal and now Taker nails a DDT. Taker gets a spinning toehold. The Phenom is dominating this match. Batista comes back with kicks but can't capitalize as Taker hits a tornado DDT. Side headlock again by Taker and this is getting repetitive early as Taker goes back to the TCB (Taking Care of Business). TOMBSTONE! Batista's not knocked out though so the referee doesn't start the count. Hip toss by Batista, but Taker sits up. Huge uppercut takes down Batista! Triangle choke! Batista is knocked out and the referee gets to 4 before Batista gets up. Front face lock by Batista, chops, knees to the gut, shoulder breaker but Batista is hurt. Sit up. Shot to the back of the neck by the Deadman. Flying clothesline by Taker and The Animal is out again. Referee gets a 3 count. Powerslam by Batista and Taker sits up again. Swinging neckbreaker to Batista and this time Batista stays down to the count of 8. Tornado DDT busts Batista open and this should get 10. Please get 10. It gets… 10 @ 6:28!
Winner: Undertaker

Match Analysis: It sucked. *
SvR Prediction: Taker retains
My Prediction: Draw

Thanks lackey. Wow, the PPV looks to have taken its toll out of my lackey as he did not even have enough energy to write his closing thoughts. But since I know him quite well, I do believe he would have just plugged his Tuesday column and kissed my ass a tad. Not that there's anything wrong with that.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

So ends another edition of the Small-For-All. Until next week, get off of your lazy asses and go watch Stone Cold Steve Austin's epic thriller The Condemned. You sure know I won't…

Marsico's in tomorrow!

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!