The Wrestling News Experience: 05.07.07
Posted by Stephen Randle on 05.07.2007
I’m shocked the WWE Conference Call wasn’t on PPV, just so they could make a little extra revenue off it.
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and I want to be a Spiderman villain in the worst way, just so I can smack Peter Parker upside the head for being a complete dumbass. And then I can sit there afterwards, enjoying my pie. Now THAT's evil. For those who don't know what I mean, you're one of about four people who haven't seen Spiderman 3 yet, and I'm here to tell you, do not believe the haters, it's a great movie. Only a couple nerd quibbles (mostly that Venom doesn't speak in the collective "we"), but well worth the money. Now I just hope I have enough left over for Shrek, Pirates, Die Hard, Ocean's 13, The Simpsons, Rush Hour 3, and Transformers. God, I hope there aren't any I'm missing.
And a special shout-out to the Toronto Raptors, who managed to choke three or four times in a single minute, lose their big chance for redemption against Canada's Public Enemy #2 (because why give him the satisfaction of being #1), crush the hopes of an entire nation, and continue to lose their fight to gain a stable fanbase in a city where the Maple Leafs have always come first, second, and third. That's a lot of accomplishments for one game, but somehow, they managed it. Good job.
Moving on.
Around The Horn
WWE's latest film, The Condemned, continues to post disappointing box office numbers. Some would suggest that releasing a low-budget movie with an R rating and a tie to professional wrestling just one week before one of the biggest and most anticipated movies of the summer would be a bad idea, but I guess that's why I don't work for WWE. And possibly why their head of marketing quit last week.
I'm mostly worried that if Austin doesn't make enough money on this movie, he'll decide to get back in the ring, and we could be forced to watch that "long-anticipated" Hogan-Austin match, ten years after it could possibly have been a decent match. Well, that or another run as Raw GM, making all the heels look like wusses.
Some less disappointing numbers for WWE came in the form of their first quarter financial report, where revenue once again increased. But for those of a humourous bent, like myself, there was the WWE conference call with Linda McMahon, announcing this increase, but also several other notable interesting tidbits, which we will cover…Threatdown style.
5. TNA Does Exist!
You heard it from Linda's mouth, the reason WWE wasn't totally successful last quarter was "more competition". I'm shocked Vince didn't divorce her right at that moment.
4. DVD Numbers Don't Mean What You Think They Mean
Apparently, despite slightly falling numbers to the contrary, DVD sales for the last quarter were "normal". So, people actually paid money for the D2D and Armageddon DVDs?
3. R Rating Blamed For Condemned Woes
It's like people don't understand that when you make an R-rated movie, it actually restricts a certain demographic from buying tickets to see it, and forces them to either sneak in or download a screener for free (the RIAA is watching you!), thus hindering profits.
2. Cancellation of December 2 Dismember
The reason given was, get this, "too many PPVs". Well, going down from a bloated 16 in 12 months to a miniscule 15 is definitely relieving all that workload. Although considering D2D was the worst-booked and not coincidentally worst-bought PPV of the modern era, how much work could it have been?
1. WWE Plans To Improve Their Storylines In Order To Increase Business
I'm actually frozen with indecision here. Should I laugh at the obviousness of the statement, cry about the fact that such an obvious statement needed to be made, or laugh harder at the idea that WWE Creative can magically improve their storylines after so many years of proving they can't?
Meanwhile, WrestleMania 23 delivered over 1.2 million buys worldwide, about three quarters of which were domestic. Apparently, John Cena vs Shawn Michaels WAS a good match that people would pay money for. Seems like someone here was saying that for months. That's right, Stephen Called It!
The only profitable independent wrestling organization in North America, Ring of Honor, has announced that it will be airing taped events on PPV starting shortly. Possibly in response to this, and who can blame them, TNA has announced that from now on, none of their talent will be appearing for ROH. Hey, why let someone else make a profit when you could be doing the same thing? Or at least giving away profitable matches on free TV, anyway. One burning question is that of the fate of Austin Starr, who has been one of TNA's most noticeable and vocal ROH supporters, who is currently suspended from TNA for, among other things, wearing a ROH shirt at a promotional event. I don't know if TNA should keep him anyway, actually. After all, he already got Bob Backlund over, what more use does he have?
And before I leave this segment, TNA's Jackie Moore had two of her teeth knocked out during her street fight with Gail Kim on Impact. Couldn't see the spot where it occurred, but as someone who had three teeth destroyed by an incident with a hockey stick, resulting in three root canals at once, I can assure you, it's possibly the most painful dental experience you can have. Besides braces. Which I also had for five years. No wonder I don't want to go to the dentist anymore.
Who's Holding Gold
Some changes as this feature evolves, first off, the new title, simply because it rhymes and that's how I roll. Also, due to popular demand, I'll be including dates of PPVs, because, and I paraphrase actual mail, people are too lazy to find out when they happened. Also, I'll be adding stipulations to matches and total length of title reign because, hell, why not.
WWE
WWE Champion: John Cena
- 233 day reign
- defeated Edge on September 16th, 2006 (Unforgiven PPV)
- TLC match stipulation
World Heavyweight Champion: The Undertaker
- 36 day reign
- defeated Batista on April 1st, 2007 (WrestleMania 23 PPV)
ECW World Champion: Vince McMahon
- 8 day reign
- defeated Bobby Lashley on April 29th, 2007 (Backlash PPV)
- 3 vs 1 handicap match involving Umaga and Shane McMahon
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Santino Marella
- 21 day reign
- defeated Umaga on April 16th (Raw)
- No DQ stipulation
WWE United States Champion: Chris Benoit
- 206 day reign
- defeated Mr. Kennedy on October 13th, 2006 (Smackdown)
World Tag Team Champions: The Hardys
- 35 day reign
- won 10-team battle royal on April 2nd (Raw)
- battle royal stipulation
WWE Tag Team Champions: Deuce and Domino
- 17 day reign
- defeated London and Kendrick on April 20th (Smackdown)
WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Chavo Guerrero
- 78 day reign
- won Cruiserweight Open on February 18th (No Way Out PPV)
- Cruiserweight Open stipulation involving Jimmy Wang Yang, Funaki, Scotty 2 Hotty, Gregory Helms, Daivari, Shannon Moore, and Jamie Noble
WWE Women's Champion: Melina
- 13 day reign
- defeated Mickie James on April 24th (Milan, Italy house show)
TNA
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage
- 113 day reign
- defeated Abyss on January 14th (Final Resolution PPV)
- Triple Threat match involving Sting
TNA Tag Team Champions: Team 3-D
- 22 day reign
- defeated LAX on April 15th (Lockdown PPV)
- Electrified Cage stipulation
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin
- 113 day reign
- defeated Christopher Daniels on January 14th (Final Resolution PPV)
- Triple Threat match involving Jerry Lynn
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 04.30.07
WWE
- Ashley, SD!, out indefinitely as of April 13 (leg)
- Beth Phoenix, RAW, out indefinitely as of June 6 (jaw)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Hardcore Holly, out 3-4 months as of April 3 (elbow surgery)
- King Booker, out two months as of April 6 (knee surgery)
- Mark Henry, SD!, out 6-8 months as of July 15th (patella)
- Paul Burchill, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 29 (shoulder)
- Rene Dupree, ECW, out indefinitely as of March 2007 (Wellness)
- Rey Mysterio, SD!, out indefinitely as of October 2006 (knee surgery)
- Super Crazy, RAW, out indefinitely as of April 21 (torn MCL)
- Triple H, RAW, out 4-6 months as of January 7 (torn quadriceps)
TNA
- Abyss, TNA, out indefinitely as of April 18 (kayfabe)
- Austin Starr, TNA, out 90 days as of April 18 (suspension)
Transactions
- The Major Brothers, ECW, made ECW debut on May 1
I can't imagine they would give the win to total jobbers, even though I have no real idea who the Major Brothers are. But they seem to have a cohesive look and they got a fair amount of offense in the match, so we'll see what happens, maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. That's right, fence-sitting journalism at its finest.
- The Undertaker, SD!, expected to miss 6-8 months starting May 9 (bicep)
In an ironic spiritual coincidence, didn't Kane tear a bicep around this exact time 5 years ago? Maybe it runs in the freaky genetic family. Are they even genetic brothers in storylines anymore?
And as a pre-emptive warning to all:
- Mark Henry, SD!, will return to Smackdown this week
Hey, there's another cage match for him to try to interrupt! I hope the door is rigged to tear away this time. Actually, no I don't.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 05.08.06, and I used Mad Libs to cover two stories at once, as both ECW and DX were set to be revived from the ashes of their former selves. One year later, DX managed to screw around for a while in bad matches with Vince and the Spirit Squad, then got serious just in time for Triple H to tear his OTHER quad. Meanwhile, ECW was brought back, changed completely from its original premise, and only now shows some signs of rebounding from the absolute pits of horror that were its first year of existence.
And in an epic event srely worth noting, this week last year, WWE signed Little Bastard. Or whatever they ret-conned his name to be now.
The Wrestling Fan's Experience
This week's Experience is brought to you by Donald Metts
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1) Why I'm a Wrestling Fan- I'm a fan because I enjoy seeing a great match, when everything works and the psychology is right. I like the "holy shit" moments,the hidden highlights that almost keep the continuity, and intense emotional promos. When all these things are in place, it makes you proud to be a fan. Unfortunately for every 5 star match there's something retarded up next but for the times when it's great wrestling, classic wrestling I'm a fan.
2) The Clash of the Champions, I forgot the number, in Charleston,SC in 1990. Sitting there while Doom threatened the crowd and dared people to come untie their boots, that was the moment I was sold. I couldn't tell you anything else other than that the Steiners were the most amazing thing I'd ever seen at that point in my life. ECW made it even stronger later.
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I would note that Scott Steiner is still one of the more amazing things you will ever see, albeit for different reasons. And if you've seen amazing things in wrestling, then I want to hear from you. Yes, it's easy to get your very own spot in the best damned Monday news report on the entire Internet. All you have to do is send me your best possible response to the following two statements.
1. Why I am a wrestling fan.
2. How I got into pro wrestling.
We've had many stellar entries as this feature continues to lurch on, so don't be the last one to send in your stories. Remember, the next Experience could be yours!
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Bored at work? Go play some fun, addictive, free games at TigerFlashGames.com.
You may all blame Manu Bumb for the return of Extreme Expose, as he uttered the cursed words "it could be worse", followed by that as an example. Seriously, other than occasionally being menaced by Snitsky, what purpose does their stupid five-minute "dance" routine provide? I keep telling you, Vince, people have nearly unlimited access to actual porn on the Internet, anything else is just less satisfying. Fortunately, Manu also asks the very tough question:
Ya know what bugs me - when a company knows what the fans want, as evidenced by them giving it to us, and then takes it away forever. Vince gave us two really good ECW: ONS shows. So good, in fact, that I ordered D2D, hoping against hope that, even though the show sucked, the PPV might be good. in case youve blocked all memory of it from your mind, it wasn't. Vince gave us Joey's "shoot" promo, and that was AWESOME! and then, he reverted back to the WWE style. How can someone so clearly KNOW what people want, but refuse to give it to them? how does this make sense at all?
I wish I had an answer that was better than "Vince's ego", because that's really where the buck stops. Vince has always, always, ALWAYS shown that he believes that his way is the best way, and his ideas are better than anything else, come hell or high water. It took near-bankruptcy for him to decide to change WWE's direction to what became the Attitude Era, and it'll take something that drastic to get him to change his mind another time. And when you read quarterly reports indicating rising profits, it's sad to say it, but that day is not any time soon.
Matthew Alan Roberts maintains that if TNA goes bankrupt (I'd interrupt to ask if they have to be profitable in the first place to actually go bankrupt, but I digress), Christian will return to WWE, due to not burning bridges. Now, IF that situation occurred, yes, of course I'd see that happening. I'd actually see Angle, Rhino, and even Team 3-D try to work another job out of Vince IF that happened. However, with Panda's money still behind it for the forseeable future, that destiny is probably far off. Remember, WCW ran for years without making any money. Hell, the Toronto Raptors made the playoffs on a budget being entirely subsidized by the profits of the Toronto Maple Leafs, because they haven't made a profit since year one.
And several people took me to task for calling Melina a "non-wrestler" in an off-the-cuff comment. Man, you people find the smallest things to worry about, don't you? Okay, she has wrestling training, yes, yes she does. But on TV, she's spent nearly her entire WWE career portrayed as a non-wrestling valet, and just last month, I seem to recall criticisms of her in-ring ability. So let's just say, she could wrestle, but not entirely well, and I maintain that the women's division would be better centered around someone like Mickie James, who has been portrayed as an actual full-time wrestler.
JoeWCO11111987 called Cena-HBK "battle of the egos", though I haven't heard anything about Cena actually having a huge ego. Then he suggests that the belt be given to Edge, which pretty much throws the entire argument out the window. I mean, Edge's entire character is that of an egomaniac. Not that I disagree, Edge with the belt is always good TV to me.
Chris Jacobs wants me (and everyone else) to lay off Russo, since apparently (because wrestling promoters never lie) he doesn't do that much booking. What's he getting paid for, then, is my question. Anyway, I'm actually nicer than most people, but I'll accept some chastisement. But when you see PPVs with eight stipulation matches, and I don't mean Lockdown (a Russo trademark from WCW), there's this feeling I just have that he was involved somehow. But, if it means that much, I will grant Vince Russo immunity until…what's the next PPV after Sacrifice? It is Slammiversary? Whatever one that is. He has immunity until then from all jokes I may make about TNA. After that time period, we'll see if he's earned a longer break. That's the best deal I can make. I'm a joke guy, I have to use the material that's out there.
And One To Go On
411, through the work of the tireless Arnold Furious, will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT. That's our show, before we go, we check in with our good friend, Larry Csonka, for a preview of tomorrow's Your News, My Views. Larry?
Randle, I'm so disappointed in you.
What? Why?
Bending to the pressure of your readership like that. How could you stoop so low as to agree that Melina has wrestling training?
Well…because it's true, Larry. According to www.onlineworldofwrestling.com, the site formerly known as ObsessedWithWrestling (go and support it today!), it says that Melina trained in the independents, and also refined her skills at OVW.
Truth? Truth is nothing in the eyes of a wrestling columnist! We spit on the truth and make headline stories out of rumours and conjecture!
I don't think we actually do that, Larry. Well, not all the time.
Irregardless! You know what you have to do, Randle. You have to use that most precious of abilities, the one not known as truth, but-
Oh God, aren't we ripping them off enough already?
Truthiness!
Apparently not. Larry, truthiness isn't real. It's a possibly trademarked property of Stephen Colbert and The Colbert Report that we're using without permission. If he sees this, we could get in a lot of trouble.
That doesn't make it any less truthiness…ful.
No, I suppose it doesn't. Besides, what are the chances that he reads 411 anyway?
Well, pretty good, actually. Unless we're talking about your report. Nobody reads your report. Not even your friends or close family.
That seems unnecessarily hurtful, Larry.
And yet, still truthinessful!
That can't really be the right conjugation, can it? Larry Csonka, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be in tomorrow, I'll be back next week.
