The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 05.24.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 05.24.2007
The Latest Member of Hair Club for Men, Why It Rules to be a Jewish WWE Fan, If They Mated Featuring MVP, And Countless Other Excuses to Litter My Report with Pictures!!!
You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, in today's edition of the Small-For-All, I let my copying and pasting skills do all the talking. Which is fine by me considering that this was quite the gloomy week. Between injuries, firings, Khali losing the big one, and the death of Jeff Jarrett's wife, I'll be quite glad once this week is over.
But alas, I have a duty to entertain you all. With that in mind, let's knock this one out of the park!!!
WWE NEWZ
Spring Cleaning
Not unlike Danny Tanner's yearly ritual, the WWE began its Spring Cleaning this past week. Notable releases include:
Rob Conway
Scotty 2 Hotty
Ariel
Nick Mitchell
2 Cold Scorpio
Of course, I said notable and really none of these are. Unless you call perennial jobber Hotty a notable name. But don't feel so bad for him since there's a great chance that Too Cool will be reunited in TNA to fight off the Voodoo Kin Mafia.
As for the rest, Ariel was the biggest surprise considering she was actually on television. But of course we all know about Stephanie McMahon's jealously issue when it comes to Divas. Conway was also a slight surprise considering that the company just sent him new tights to become a member of La Resistance Part Trois. According to Figure 4 Weekly, "Stephanie felt Conway was a jobber for life and would never draw any money, and wanted to make room for more developmental talents to be called up." As much as I loved Conway's music on Heat, I can't really complain with this release.
As for Scorpio and Mitchell, who cares? Neither would have made a large impact in the world of the WWE. The only noteworthy thing Mitchell did was fuck Torrie Wilson. But then again, he's not the first.
Injuries, Injuries, Injuries
And it wouldn't be a complete week without an injury update. I must say that Randle's a lucky sonofabitch for trademarking his weekly injury list. Because if he didn't, I totally would copped that shit from him.
Anyway, this past week, it was confirmed that Gregory Helms would be having fusion surgery to fix two broken vertebrae in his neck. Luckily for Helms, it's only two discs that need fusing because a third broken disc would have ended Helms's career. Thankfully, that's not the case, so after a year of sitting on the sidelines, Helms can come back with a vengeance! Who am I kidding? He'll probably be used to job to the latest cruiserweight du jour.
Joining Gregory Helms on the sidelines is Shawn Michaels and his busted knee. According to the Wrestling Observer, "Michaels will have his knee checked out this week and there is some internal hope that he will be back for the Survivor Series. He has been removed from all immediate plans and the RAW summer plans are being changed to account for him not being around."
Of course, the WWE wants him back for the 10th Anniversary of the Montreal Screwjob. Maybe they can convince Bret Hart to make a cameo too. Regardless, it's a shame to see Michaels on the shelf considering he was the MVP of Raw so far this year. In fact, the entire Michaels/Cena storyline was supposed to continue throughout the summer which would have been quite the boost to Raw. Here's hoping for a speedy recovery Shawn since you shall be missed.
Speaking of Shawn…
Howard Finkel's Most Recent Client
Larry already touched on this in his Tuesday News Report but just in case you missed it, the WWE has been photoshopping recent HBK pictures to cover up his "male baldness."
Case in point:
Hair Today
Gone Tomorrow
Isn't it astounding that the E would go to these measures to protect the vitality of one of their wrestlers? One that everyone already knows is getting closer to the retired side of the business. It would be one thing if the company did this with Batista (who's closing in on 40) after a few years in the big leagues but not with a legend. It's not like the WWE can pretend their mid-90s years never existed. Or can they?
What If They Mated: MVP Edition
According to the Wrestling Observer, "Although MVP tells people that his real name is Antonio Banks, it is actually Hasaan Asaad."
So let's do a little math here:
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How to be the Coolest Jew on your Block!!!
From the makers of the John Cena Pink Cammo Hat, comes the WWE YARMULKE:
And if that's not trendy enough, the WWE YARMULKE comes in a variety of flavors including D-Generation X and John Cena!!! Of course, I don't know if "Live Fast, Fight Hard" has any meaning to the Jewish community but surely a Catholic from Boston can appeal to a variety of religious and atheists alike. And if not, a HBK Yarmulke can't be that far behind; remember, it's perfect for covering up bald spots like this one:
TNA NEWZ
Sympathy for the Jarretts
Yesterday, Jeff Jarrett's wife Jill died after a long-standing battle with cancer. My deepest sympathy goes out to the Jarretts especially Jeff and his young children. As much as I kid about Jeff Jarrett in my Small-For-All, he was the perfect husband over the last few months (and probably for an even longer time) as he spent almost every minute with her and settled for a much smaller role in TNA.
May 23rd has already been a tough day for Jeff (as yesterday was the 7th Year Anniversary of his good friend, Owen Hart's death) and it's only gotten worse. Jeff, you and your family are in my prayers.
On a side note, I'm shocked that TNA has not posted anything about this on their website. Even one sentence would suffice.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
There's really nothing else to say. All joking aside, this week has been quite depressing and I'm hoping for a much sunnier outlook next week. Until then…
Marsico's in tomorrow.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
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