Truth B Told 5.24.07: Off the Straight and Narrow
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 05.24.2007
Would the world of Wrestling accept an openly gay wrestler? The answer may surprise you, okay, maybe not, but read this anyways damn it, cuz’ I already wrote it.
Earlier this year former NBA player John Amaechi came out to the world in an interview on ESPN about his homosexuality. Amaechi had never had his sexuality questioned while an active player, nor had any reason to come out publicly after he retired. He did feel however "it was time" to come out of the closet and hoped this would reassure other athletes who may have been feeling similarly apprehensive and confused about their own sexual orientations. How was the kind of refreshing and courageous revelation met? "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people". This came from retired b-baller Tim Hardaway in an interview for a Miami radio station. Amaechi wasn't the first athlete to make their sexuality public, as ex-MLB player Billy Beane and ex-NFL player Esera Tuaolo also both came out after they retired from their sport. Not to mention several lesbian athletes such as Sheryl Swoopes, Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova. The difference is that between male and female athletes to my knowledge (which I'm sure I'll be proven wrong by a diligent reader) no male athlete has ever publicly come out of the closet in one of the big 4 sports (Baseball, Basketball, Football, Hockey) while still active.
In an interview in 2002, Amaechi had this to say about gays in the NBA: "If you look at our league, minorities aren't very well represented. There's hardly any Hispanic players, no Asian-Americans, so that there's no openly gay players is no real surprise. It would be like an alien dropping down from space. There'd be fear, then panic: they just wouldn't know how to handle it." I think this ver accurately depicts the climate in professional sports today. There is still a stigma; an unwritten code in the world of sports which is much like the military has in place, "don't ask, don't tell". The world of professional wrestling is much the same. I've heard pro wrestling being compared to a mix of "athletics and acting", but there is no doubt that when it comes down to it there is a definitely difference in how openly gay athletes and actors are perceived and treated in their perspective chosen vocations.
While Chris Kanyon was one of the first wrestlers to come out about their homosexuality, it was long after he became relevant in the eyes of most wrestling fans. He had already been cut loose by the WWE after WCW was bought and blamed his sexual orientation for the reason he was let go. Kanyon had been kicking around the Indy scene for a while and I actually got to see him wrestle last year, but he was far from the man I had rooted for while dropping Kanyon Kutters on unsuspecting valets in WCW. While other wrestlers have been accused of being gay in the past, and while others are known to be such like Pat Patterson, no active wrestler for a major company has come out of the closet or been hired with full knowledge of their sexual orientation. Just like in other professional sports being gay and open is still a very taboo thing in wrestling. I would like to think however, as a society we've come far enough to accept homosexuals in sports. But have we really come that far? Are we as wrestling fans ready to accept an openly gay wrestler and is the wrestling industry as a whole?
I've heard this statistic from a couple of places that I tend to accept as fact: 1 in every 11 people in the world is Gay. That's about 9% of the population. That's is on average 1 basketball player on every team, 2 baseball players, 5 football players, and more importantly about 3 wrestlers on every roster, excluding ECW. So basically on RAW, Smackdown, and TNA, if that statistic holds true there should be around 3 gay wrestlers on those programs. Can you guess who they are? It doesn't matter who they are, the point is that when you think about it, is it really that impossible to believe that even at least 1 member of each roster, male or female, is a homosexual? I doubt it. Now while we could talk about lesbians in wrestle till the cows come home, with all due respect, I don't believe that is the big topic of debate. If you found out your favorite "Diva" or "Knockout" was a lesbian, I doubt very much that would impact your viewing of that program or support of that wrestler much, especially considering they aren't taken very seriously as wrestlers in the first place. Again, not there fault, but their bookings fault. The real dilemma I believe lies in the male wrestlers.
Throughout wrestling there have been gimmicks and performers which have epitomized the sexually androgenous and flamboyant. From Gorgeious George, to Adrian Adonis, to Goldust, to Lenny and Lodi, to Rico, to Billy and Chuck, to Laz, to the Christopher Street Connection there have been flamboyantly gay characters all over the map. With all the "shades of grey" that we talk about in the world of wrestling, one subject seems to be as black and white as they come. Wrestling bookers and writers are just unable to get past the stereotype of gay characters and flaming queens of the squared circle who prance around and try to make out with any muscle bound boy they can get their hands on. In fact the Mickie James angle of her stalking Trish Stratus was one of the first that didn't center around the notion of homosexuals being cartoon parodies, but rather on Mickie's obsession with Trish and whether it was or not a product of her homosexuality or whether it was just a unhealthy obsession with her "idol". But of course, after Trish retires we're supposed to all forget that Mickie was a lesbian right? Damn, she's been tagging up with Candice Michelle for weeks now and Candice can't even get a quick feel up, ouch!
When we think about homosexuality in wrestling it's a very cartoonish and hormone laden act where the gay wrestler would attempt to force himself on his opponent or a member of the audience. Homosexual characters are portrayed usually as pansies, freaks, or sexual deviants. Take a look at the character that The Rock played in "Be Cool", his character was a big tough guy with an afro who also happened to enjoy country music and "Bring it On". Sure, you wouldn't want to mess with a guy that big, especially when he's slapping his own ass in front of a mirror in a bright blue suit, but he was far from a rugged man. I think the only way that most gay characters can be portrayed is through comedy or parody, never being taken seriously as real contenders or champions because clearly someone so flamboyant and ridiculous couldn't be "the man" in the business. But you know, you can still be flamboyant and get away with it, you just have to be able to "beat the man" first.
Ric Flair had bleached blond long flowing locks, he wore spandex underwear, and he wore flamboyant bejeweled and feathered robes. But it was okay, because he let us know damn well that he was straight and would prove it to any woman willing to "ride space mountain". I think the NWA and WCW managed to hammer that point home several times via vignettes. Randy Savage wore colorful hats, tights, and fringe, but he had Miss Elizabeth to vouch for him. HBK wears possibly the "gayest" ring attire known to man, however since he is a "man of God" and was fairly notorious with the ladies (kayfabe or not) he was given a free pass. Even Rob Conway and Austin Starr got away with some of the most questionable tights and outfits in many a year because they didn't exhibit any of those overly sexed and lecherous behaviors we had expected from gay characters in the past. Maybe it wasn't about the manner of dress after all, but rather what you did while trying to get others UNdressed.
I don't believe in the history of wrestling that a wrestler has had a "heterosexual" gimmick. Sure we're had the "ladies man" gimmick, the "pimp" gimmick, even the "porn star" gimmick. However their gimmick was not based around them simply being a straight man, but rather a gimmick of being either a "man whore" or being involved in the sex industry. One can't say that "having sex with a lot of women" makes them a heterosexual, because let's face it, having sex with a different woman every night isn't the calling card of being straight. If that were true the IWC would have a lot of soul searching to do. C'mon, admit it. But then again we do have the common device of "valets" and "love interests" which set the stages for verifying one's heterosexual status. Or in CM Punk's case, bangin' every Valet he's ever had.
Marc Mero as "Johnny B. Badd" was fairly questionable on WCW, however in the WWE he had Sable to vouch for him. We never questioned Carlito's sexuality, but it didn't stop the WWE from hastily pairing him with Torrie Wilson for no apparent reason or payoff. Remember when John Cena laid a big wet one on Maria for no apparent reason on RAW a while back? What was the point of THAT? But what about the other wrestlers to have never been involved with a female valet or even featured with a female love interest? Has Umaga, AJ Styles, Monty Brown, Homicide, Van Vader, or Bryan Danielson ever had an angle play out with a romantic interest? No. But have they ever been accused of being a gay character because of it? Nope. The fact is, if the Great Khali was gay, it would have no effect on him as a performer; it also wouldn't change his character at all, unless of course the writers decided it should. I could just imagine them changing the "Big Chop" to a transition move because it wouldn't have the same force behind it to knock out opponents when executed with a "limp wrist". The fact is, being heterosexual doesn't play a part in a lot of wrestler's gimmicks and performance, so why should being homosexual? It's ironic that you have straight men playing a "worked" role as a gay man in the ring, and gay men playing a "worked" role as straight men backstage.
There is a very real question about rather the "boys" backstage would accept an openly gay wrestler. My response would be, some might, but most probably wouldn't. I know that sucks to say, but the reality is that I find it hard to believe that an openly gay wrestler who by some miracle might have avoided being branded with a "gay gimmick" would not either be ribbed, harassed, out isolated because of his sexual orientation. As much as we like to think we live in "modern times", wrestling is still a very overly macho and chauvinistic world sometimes. Hey, look at what happens to Divas in the WWE, let alone what would happen if they hired Kanyon for Smackdown. This isn't to say that all wrestlers are homophobic or would purposely/inadvertantly alienate a gay co-worker but all it takes is a couple in important positions to cause harm, but I would hope the general population at large would know better. Now while I'm 100% sure there are at least a few gay wrestlers in TNA, RoH, or the "e" I believe there is a good reason no one is or plans to come out while being an active wrestler. The possible stigma and problems that come along with it may not be worth the risk in their case. I'm not even sure that they would be protected under the same rights that would protect you or me from being harassed or fired from our work or school, simply because they are "independent" contractors and it would be hard to prove that sexuality was a reason for them being fired, as well as troubles finding work afterwards if they decided to sue their former employer.
As fans, we basically expect certain things from our heroes, being gay is probably not high on the list. I'm not sure most fans would accept a gay wrestler who was not playing a comedic gay character. I'm not going to speak for everyone, but although we can individually say we wouldn't care, can you really say that about the rest of your cohorts in the audience. Which, by virtue of that 11-1 ratio means that a good percentage of them are also gay. I just don't think we're so conditioned, especially as wrestling fans, to think that being gay is enough wrong or a big joke. Sorry to say but "wrestling geeks" aren't exactly known for their maturity and socially conscious thinking. That's not to say we aren't mature and evolved people who just happen to also enjoy wrestling, but for the most part I can't argue that a good number of fans may not be. I would imagine that if you were support an openly gay wrestler that perhaps a friend would call your own character into question as a result. I mean, clearly if you liked a gay wrestler, then that makes you gay too right? *yeah, riiight* I think what this means is that wrestlers coming up through the Indies would find it hard to get a following as they start their careers. But, what about an established star already?
I'm going to throw out a few names here: John Cena, Bryan Danielson, Randy Orton, and Samoa Joe. John Cena's main fanbase seems to be from little kids and women. Well, arguably so, but I would dare to say that makes up a good portion of his support. If it was found out that Cena was in fact gay and admitted it in an interview, how do you think his popularity would fare? My guess is he would get as many ‘boos' as before, but a lot less cheers. I think Vince would have a loop hole in either keeping him at the top if he wanted or shunting him down the card if he wanted because he had been getting such a mixed reaction. I think that would actually be the biggest irony there is considering most of his promos during his "Dr. of Thuganomics" days were based around him coming up with a rhyme for his opponents being gay. A lot of people are giving Orton flack already because he has a big following in the gay community already. Although those pictures that he supposedly posed for circulating around the net don't help much. My guess is Orton would probably be laughed out of the building if those rumors held true. It's easy to look at a guy like Orton and say, "oh, he's a pretty boy, I could totally see him being gay, he's probably just a couple of drinks and a bad decision away from falling off the metro fence to the homo side". Admit it, if you found out he was in fact gay it wouldn't surprise you nearly 1/10th as much as finding out about Benoit or Kurt Angle.
But what about Joe and AmDrag? Are you telling me that Danielson being gay would somehow lessen his claim of being the "best in the world"? Would Joe be any less like to "kill you" if he actually fancied lads instead of lasses? The fact is that they have such cult followings that it would be tough to call how the backlash might or might not affect them. Most ‘wrestling geeks' would like to think that we value performance above character in most cases when it comes to our favorite wrestlers. But in a case where someone is labeled with such a polarizing term as being "gay" it would be hard for us to not have that affect our perception of that worker.
My personal feelings are that homosexuality is genetic. Something you are born with that you don't have any control over, and while that may not be everyone's view as some people think it's a choice, like deciding to only date Asian chicks or big gals, I think that is where the debate would lie. My contention is that one's sexual orientation would not affect a person's performance or ability to do their job as a wrestler. I really don't see how it could because being "gay" doesn't make you any less physically cable to handle punishment or perform, it doesn't affect your ability to speak or evoke emotion in promos, it doesn't make a wrestler any less able to entertain the fans. If being gay is genetic then it would be like being born short, tall, Black, Asian, or with blue eyes. I don't see any of those being detrimental to one's career. Unless you're in the "e", then lord help ya. Where in lies the real debate is the theory that homosexuality is a "choice" rather than genetics.
If we are to still hold the contention that who you date doesn't affect how you perform, and trust me not all wrestlers date and marry Diva quality women, then the real crux of the argument comes from a "morality" stand point. If we go into the religious aspect then homosexuality is considered a "sin" by some. So if you would not support a gay wrestler because they are committing a "sin" by being gay, then what about Chris Benoit. Though shalt not covet they booker's wife, Chris. Edge's following doesn't seem to have been too affected after he stabbed one of his best friends in the back. Randy Orton still has a following even though his record is also far from clean, RVD's as well. Didn't Stone Cold beat his wife before? Hell, Khali killed a man, by accident, but damn…killed a man. For as much as the "morality" argument may be played, I have to think that the majority of fans would care very little about a wrestler's personal lives or morality so long as it doesn't affect their in-ring work. Sure there are some exceptions (pedophilia, rampant drug use, voting for Nader, etc.) but for the most part most of those transgressions would get a ‘free pass' as it were, except for this one thing. Why is it that we know that as wrestling fans we know in our hearts that it's probably just better for a wrestler to remain in the closet?
Sexual orientation as well as race are just two subjects which are consistently polarizing subjects in America. While I do believe that there would be a segment of the audience which would pull for a wrestler simply because they are gay, I can almost guarantee that there would be another segment that would oppose them for the same reason. It is only natural to assume that the GLBT community would throw their support towards a wrestler as much as it would be to assume that Latino fans supported Eddie Guerrero's title reign, or Filipinos supported Batista's push. The problem is that unlike race relations which have in recent times improved with the diversification of all aspects of our lives from sports, to entertainment, to business, to pretty much every time you step out of your front door in the morning. "Alternative Lifestyles" however, do not get the same kind of sweeping acceptance in this day and age. While no one would argue against one's civil and humanistic rights to be a priest, a parent, or a role model if someone was Black, Asian, or Latino, the same can not be said of homosexuals.
My belief is that homosexuality is the last real big struggle in terms of social equality in this country. Much like when African Americans had to struggle to be accepted into every part of society homosexuals suffer the same issues. For years African Americans were thought to be inept mentally to handle the rigors of certain vocations. In fact it wasn't too long ago that there weren't even any Black quarterbacks in the NFL save a few. Beyond that the number of Black head coaches and GM's in the NFL/MLB/NHL is appalling. Even the number of Black CEO's in this country is finally starting to slowly rise to a level of respectability. Women suffered the same problems when trying to make their way into the workplace. While people accept gay men in the theater, fashion, and design industry, we haven't gotten to the point I believe where a gay quarterback, goalie, or Heavyweight Champion is going to be as widely accepted as we'd like to think. I can't say that everyone thinks like this, but perhaps enough people really do that it makes a coming out a decision so difficult that it may not be worth making. Even now if you think about it for 5 or 10 minutes do you really know how you'd react to finding out your favorite Indy, WWE, or TNA wrestle was gay? It has to at least give you some pause even if in the end you just shrug it off and continue to enjoy their work.
While some people would blame "homophobia" as a reason why openly gay wrestlers might receive resistance from fans and fellow wrestlers alike I think it may not necessarily be so black and white. I'll bring back the analogy of wrestling being a mix of "Athletics and Art" because while one part of the equation has accepted homosexuals openly into their ranks the other has not. While wrestling has introduced sexually androgynous characters inside the squared circle as well as out and out gay gimmicks, all of them have been done in a way to make them seem laughable, comical, and not to be taken seriously. If Colt Cabana came out to the public he might be more readily accepted because his gimmick is already steeped in comedy and not taken as seriously as say a CM Punk or Samoa Joe. I think as long as people can look at homosexual gimmicks in a comedic light people are okay for the most part accepting it, but a "bad ass, ass kicking" gay gimmick just seems to foreign that it might be hard to grasp, even though sexual orientation has nothing to do with one's ability to chokeslam and powerbomb one's opponent. I don't envy the first professional wrestler to work for a major company to come out of the closet his journey will be tough and bump along the way. The issue of supporting or not supporting a gay wrestler should be moot. If a wrestler is good, then they're good, if they're not, then they're The Miz. But the point is, it's not so much having to accept a worker for their differences, as much as just not caring about it because it doesn't affect them in the ring, or you in the audience. Besides, do we really care if the red head who gave Edge the "clap" is a Lita or a Leo so long as he brings the goods in the ring? Yeah, I know we do, but when the time comes, let's just try a little harder not to, okay?
The Truth
I don't know that the wrestling world is ready. Not yet at least. This column wasn't about pointing out who might and who might not be. It was just about provoking a little thought. As a true "wrestling geek" I'd like to think that a person's performance in the ring, on the mic, and willingness to meet and greet his/her fans is what matters most. Not who or how they date. But I'll admit it, even I would have to think twice about finding out my favorite wrestler(s) was gay. It sucks to say because I would love to believe I am above that kind of prejudice or close mindedness, I think most of us would, but deep down inside I know that it would still take a bit of time to get used to a revelation, which really shouldn't make any difference at all. In the end I know it would only be a temporary pause and I would support a wrestler any less because of it, but still, I know it would happen. Then again, we can say what we want about ourselves, but we will never truly known until push comes to shove.
The reality is that wrestlers don't come out for the same reason other pro-athletes, politicians, and public figures don't. Society isn't at the point that we can just accept something as trivial as sexual orientation as something...trivial. An openly gay wrestler would risk the possibility of hurting their careers as well as being alienated and isolated by fellow workers. Would Cena sell as much merchandise or get such a high pitched feminine response or have the kind of push he has now if he came out? As much as we point at guys like Danielson, Samoa Joe, and Benoit as being the best in the world, how would our perceptions of them changed if they actually came out? The only thing we know, is that perceptions WOULD change at least in some small way. This isn't to say that if someone felt ready to come otu that they shouldn't, only that they should know the risks involved. I don't doubt there would be support out there for them, me included, but with every cheering fan they'd have to expecting a jeering doubter. One day it will happen though and when that happens I guess we'll really find out just how evolved and PC we really are as wrestling fans. Maybe we'll surprise even ourselves. Maybe not. All I know is, when it finally happens, expect a bit of a delay on 411mania when the traffic spikes...just a bit.
Coming Up Short
Roderick Strong/Pac and the Briscoe Brothers put together the absolute best Tag Team match I have ever seen live on Sunday Night. Which makes my being wrong about the Briscoes winning the whole tournament go down a little easier. Based on last week's predictions I had Strong/Pac as the 6th most likely team to win the tournament. Heh heh…ooops…my bad. Still DDT4 was a great tournament and although I'm not a big fan of thrown together teams going over well established tag teams as a rule because I feel it further dilutes the importance of tag team wrestling. I'll make an exception this time around because PAC and Roddy are definately on my Top 5 list of guys who bring it 100% every time they step into a PWG ring and if they can't get a run with the big green belt, then this is just as good. Sure the Briscoes, Kings of Wrestling, and especially the Havana Pitbulls deserved a run with the tag belts, but considering who ended up with the titles, the only thing that came up short this week was my predictions.
6 Degrees of…
Double C (Corey Cotton)
Wow! What a week. Not only did I win 6DO, I was mentioned in the same breath as the 6DO Hall Of Fame. What an honour! It is now my goal, my mission in life if you will, to do what it takes to be enshrined in the 6DO Hall Of Fame.
For this coming week's 6DO subject, I am turning to my favourite movie of all time, A Clockwork Orange. Although he really hasn't done anything before or since that in my mind can be classified as good, Malcolm McDowell was nothing short of brilliant as Alex de Large. "Uh, no time for the ol' in-and-out, luv, I've just come to read the meter!". Brilliant.
Well, let's eschew the easy links here and go from one psychopathic Alex to another…
Oh yeah, Alex P. Keaton that is. He sure he might not have brutalized young girls in the UK, but he did like classical music right? Okay, I can't say he DIDN'T brutalize young English girls as a fact, but he did tease Mallory, so that's fairly close right? Maybe? ish? Well there you go kids, from Malcolm McDowell to the hardest working young republican in 80's sitcoms.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Stuff…and junk. Just not to me apparently.
6 Degrees Results
#3
Nada…
#2
Double C (Corey Cotton)
Here is my entry for this week (even though I know I can't win):
1. Tito Santana made it to the finals of the Intercontinental Championship Tournament after Wrestlemania VI, but he lost to Mr. Perfect.
2. Mr. Perfect was inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame in 2007 by Wade Boggs, the baseball star Mr. Perfect cut promos with when he first arrived in the WWF/E where he was depicted as the "perfect athlete".
3. Wade Boggs made an appearance in one of my all-time favourite episodes of the TV show "Cheers" (in the episode "Bar Wars", the gang at Cheers were tricked into thinking Wade Boggs was an impostor, so they pantsed him), which starred Ted Danson.
4. Ted Danson was in the 1981 movie "Body Heat" with Mickey Rourke.
5. Mickey Rourke was in the 2005 movie "Sin City" with the yummy Jessica Alba.
6. The yummy Jessica Alba was in the 2005 movie "The Fantastic Four" with Michael Chiklis.
Well, I'm off to enjoy the long weekend up here in Canada. I'll have a Molson Canadian for you.
Long weekend in Canada? What the hell gives you Canucks the right to have a long weekend? What do you guys memorialize? The Wayne Gretsky years in Edmonton? Just kidding, you Canadians are alright, except for you DID unleash Celine Dion on us down here…so …go to hell!! You have no idea how many times I had to listen to that stupid Titanic song because my college girlfriend loved that song. Because of that, I now hate that bitch with the burning intensity of the heat off 1,000 Jimmy Raves during the Embassy years. Oh, and I don't like Celine much either. Sorry, where was I going with this again?
#1.
B--
I'm back after a few week hiatus and it looks like you need some strength in numbers back in the ranks. Besides, all this talk about the 6DO Hall of Fame certainly must include me...
Anyways, on with the show...
Michael Chiklis to Tito Santana
Chiklis was in the Fantastic Four movie franchise with Ioan Gufford...
Gufford co-starred in 2004's King Arthur with Mads Mikkelson...
Mikkleson was the villain Le Chiffre in the latest Bond movie Casino Royale...
Casino Royale's featured the new Bond leading man, Daniel Craig...
Daniel Craig was the replacement for Pierce Brosnan in the Bond movies...
Brosnan recently starred The Matador, a nickname that Tito Santana adopted later in his career... Mark Satrang
Good to have you back on board Mark, I think that puts you at about 79 wins so far. You're the damn Jerry Lawler of 6DO…if, you know, we were in Memphis. I guess if we weren't then you'd just be a dirty old man with below average commentating skills. But let's just say we're in Memphis okay? This week you get your pick again and hopefully you can spark a new revival for 6DO as the entries are now getting harder to come back than a real titty in a Diva Search.
Left Overs…
The Oxygen channel is in talks with Chyna about a potential reality show, so far the show is tentatively being called, "Remember Me? No….oh…uh…okay…Damn You Stephanie McMahon". Or at least that's what's being pitched by Chyna.
Victoria recently signed a new 3-Year contract with the WWE but in more interesting new it appear as well that she sold her pizza place. To think, Stevie Richards spent how many months valeting for that woman and she never gave up the "pie" for him.
Can we go ahead and call Bobby over exposed now? Lashley wrestled more matches on RAW this week then the entire cruiserweight division in '07. I'm not sure if they're doing WWE Fantasy games right now but if so Lashley racked up roughly enough point to cruise off of both Highlanders for the rest of the week and still finish in the money. Hell, I'll even throw in a Eugene.
Is anyone waiting for a swarm of locusts to hit RAW next week? Well it looks like Vinny Mac has angered God again with this newest plague of first born Main Event injuries. This time HBK goes down with a leg injury and will be out for months. So of course with ‘Taker, HBK, HHH, Kennedy, Booker T and Rey Mysterio all sidelined, what do they do? Release more developmental talent and low card guys. The real surprise is that they didn't just move Vito into HBK's spot. I guess posing for Playgirl doesn't offer the same job security as Playboy anymore. Oh wait…I guess it does.
Former Tough Enough loser Daniel Rodimer is making the rounds on Heat as "Dan Rodman" now. Either that is leading to a gimmick where no one wants him on their team but will take him if it means a championship ring, he begins to get an overkill of tattoos and piercings, wears a wedding dress to PPV press conferences and marries Carmen Elektra for about 5 mins. Or…he's stealing Val Venis' gimmick. His finisher looks to be a delayed pumphandle slam called the "Doggy Driver".
Ariel was released last week, however apparently her tits are still under contract with ECW and will be managing Kevin Thorne from here on out. Actually rumors are that she was getting bitched out by Batista backstage and talked back and ‘Tista got her fired. Which makes sense, because a man with the kind of backstage political power to get himself rolled up clean in an 8 minute title match could easily get a "C" show Diva fired. I know that's why the ECW Nitro Girls are on such pins and needles around Funaki.
I didn't watch ECW this week, but I'm hearing that Thorne's finisher was changed from the "Dark Kiss" to the "Original Sin" for some reason, probably because he doesn't have any trim accompanying him to the ring now. Okay, I might have to defer to Csonka here because I'm not very religious, but since when is a Tower of London/Rope Assisted Stunner considered "Original Sin". I was under the impression it had to do with a snake, or an apple, or something. Unless Adam hit Eve with an apple tree assisted stunner after she took a bite, I'm totally lost here.
So they announced the participants in the NWA tournament this week. The most notable names appear to be: Bryan Danielson, Claudio Castagnoli, Brent Albright, Adam Pierce, Aaron Aguilera, Ran Dementry, Dewd Idunno, Frank Leehoocares, and Givethebeltto Danielsonalreadydamnit. Looks like a good list.
Jimmy Rave was signed to an RoH contract this week and is guaranteed to be on all 6 PPV's in the next 12 months. Jimmy Rave recently came back from a jaw injury caused by Nigel McGuinness and a case of frost bite caused from a lack of heat due to Prince Nana quitting the company.
Scotty 2 Hotty was released from the WWE in a shocking turn of events. It was almost a given that S2H would be around forever after surviving numerous roster cuts in the past and illogically coming out each time with his job in tact. At this time Scotty 2 Hotty is seeking to bring legal action…against the devil in return for getting his soul back.
Candice Michelle beats Melina on RAW and is now the #1 contender for the women's title. Oh yeah, THAT will be a great championship reign if she wins. That's spelling title with a capital "T" and absolutely no "A".
I guess those rumors of RVD being released already were a bit premature. Looks like he'll be riding out his contract till the end by putting over Snitsky. Then again, I wouldn't put it past Vince to fire him one day before it expires to keep him out of TNA for 90 days. I think RVD just might be the first wrestler in TNA history to sign his contract on Zig-Zags.
I love how generic the Major Brothers are. It's very refreshing in a 1984 kind of way. I'm just waiting for them to debut their older brother "Undeclared".
So anybody wanna put money on who Stomper is going to end up being in TNA? I assume this is all setting up for some heel to try to beat him up and Stomper ends up whoopin' his ass and demasking to reveal….I dunno… RVD? Cuz' who else always has a "pouch" on them at all times.
Angle and UFC President Dana White are in talks recently. Apparently when you put these two guy's heads together you can come up with…an ass. Just visualize that.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
If I can just move up eyes a few inches higher I could tell if she has a cute face or not...or someone can just e-mail me. Yeah...that's a better idea.
"Gimme an ‘R', gimme an ‘e', gimme a ‘job' oh please GOD gimme a job". Nick "Mitch" Mitchell was also let go by the "e" last week. All things considered "Mitch" was actually the 2nd most successful ex-Tough Enough contestant ever having won the WWE Tag Titles. He follows Johnny Nitro who won the IC and Tag Titles and is laying it to Melina's sweet ass on the daily. 3rd on the list would probably be Justice Smith who recently beat his little brother at "Dance Dance Revolution" last week at the Chuck E Cheese.
Mistico will be out 6 to 8 months with an injury which is a HUGE blow for CMLL. In response to losing one of their main draws and most popular wrestlers CMLL has decided to bring back Mark Henry in an injury angle and have him feud with…oh…sorry, I keep mixing up the "e" booking with my lucha stuff.
Pimpin' In High Places
Its late and this is the last section I'm doing tonight. Yep. I write this column out of order a lot, consider this my dirty little secret. Man, what a load off my chest, okay, so you know the drill, check out the rest of the staff. Heh heh...I said "staff":
Fact or Fiction, 411's version of Hollywood Squares.... only...7 less than usual.
Ask 411 thinks HBK is Emo. I'd buy that, except HBK doesn't even have enough hair up top to comb it over his face now.
Jules has the top 10 Smackdown moments. I'm tellin' ya, he's gonna run out of steam soon and somehow the Top 10 Miz moments it going to sneak in there.
Evo Scheme features the Brooklyn Brawler. Which is the only place the Brooklyn Brawler has been featured in...ever I guess.
CoH this week is live. Ari does plan to start pre-taping certain columns to release on PPV 2 months later. I'd rather just get the unedited version on DVD myself.
J-Link has a brand new column now. I guess he ran out of WWE and TNA guys to fight. Dang, just when I was readying myself for Viscera vs Mitch Franklin. It was going to be one hell of a fight for Franklin...and one hell of a meal for Viscera.
El hijo de Adam has more Japanese girls...well, mine are mostly naked while his are...well...um...you don't have to worry about a girl named "Dump" showing up in my column.
Short plug this week. But since he goes Dragon Gate, why not string it out a bit....okay, that'll do.
Fink's Payload has three new young pups on board: Adamson, Wilcox, and Halden. Its only a matter of time before they feud with the Triple Threat you know. Making them either Los Boriquas or DOA. I would have said The Nation, but....you know...don't make me play that card okay?
Csonka brings you 4R's for Judgment Day. One of them isn't "Replay" though.
Berman revisits Danielson vs Azrael. Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, there hasn't been a bigger mismatch in RoH since Pelle Primeau faced Bobby Dempsey in a hot wing eating contest. If you look really closely you can still see Pelle's left ring finger is missing it's tip. Hey, it's his fault for trying to reach over Bobby.
D-Dubya is still living in the past. This time it's part 4 of 5 with Edge giving Cena the old "how's ya father?". Wow, thanks for the memories D-dubya.
On a serious note, Jill Jarrett passed away this week. Jeff Jarrett's wife has been battling cancer for years and finally succumbed to it. The reason Jarrett left TNA for a while was to be by her side when she was hospitalized. My deepest sympathies go out to Jeff and his family at this time. I won't touch on what this might mean to TNA as a company or JJ as a wrestler, but this is truly sad news. Although JJ was criticized outright for his constant run at the top of TNA and his innumerable title reigns, the guy basically helped make a company for better or worse. He actually created some very realistic competition to the WWE which is something we've all been waiting for. I don't see TNA going anywhere for the near future and to be honest, JJ as a wrestler and a businessman did pretty damn good for himself. Sometimes its so easy to look at a wrestler, booker, promoter and find so much fault in how they do their jobs, but you know sometimes we forget that it's just that, a job. As sad as it is, sometimes it takes something this tragic to put it all into perspective doesn't it? Even if you hate the wrestler, you can still feel for the man. Well that's it for me this week, I think after all this hard work I'll reward myself with a weekend in Vegas. Now if I can only figure a way to convince Csonka this is all for "research purposes" and expense this mutha.
