The Wrestling News Experience: 05.28.07
Posted by Stephen Randle on 05.28.2007
It’s kind of appropriate that it’s Memorial Day, when you think about it.
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, the one Canadian not jumping on the Senators bandwagon. Because just because they're the last Canadian team, doesn't mean they still don't suck. Hey, this is Canada, we invented bloodthirsty hockey rivalries.
Hey, Waterloo might get an NHL franchise after all. After all, how many times can the NHL tell Balsillie "no" before they realize that the desire of the Canadian version of Bill Gates to put his vast wealth behind a franchise is a good thing? It's no team with Sidney Crosby, but we'll take it.
Also, I told you people before to keep Carapola out of my country. Nobody listens to me.
Oh, and it's my mother's birthday this week! Happy birthday, Mom! I didn't forget, I never forget. Well, okay, I always forget exactly what day Dad's birthday is, but I never forget yours, and that's what's important, right?
It's okay, she's not reading this.
Enough real world, on to the fake real world.
Around The Horn
In sad news this week, Jill Jarrett (which, in tribute, I will presume is spelled J-I-double L-J-A-double R-E-double T) passed away this past week after a lengthy battle with cancer. My personal sympathies go out to Jeff and his family.
In further sad news that doesn't get nearly as much reflection as it should (though I've noticed several columnists here at 411 have tried to do so), it was eight years ago last week that Owen Hart died in the Kemper Arena, and yes, I do still remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news. It was a tragedy in every sense of the word, and when I'm reminded of it, it also reminds me to try to be the best person I can be, because you never know what could happen tomorrow. And in the spirit of Owen, I'm…going to be funny.
Raw is live from Toronto, Ontario, Canada tonight, and because I have no money, I won't be there. Which is a real shame, because I had a plan that involved t-shirts. And then I find out they'll be taping Saturday Night's Main Event tonight too! I tell you, people who doubt that God is mocking me on a constant basis really haven't spent enough time with me.
WWE has announced a three-hour Raw to be scheduled for June 11th, and will contain all the talent from all three brands, as it is time, once again, for the return of the WWE Draft Lottery! Yes, there's a dearth of main eventers left on any brand, and WWE Creative is a bunch of monkeys, so the easiest way to shake things up is to…shake things up! Hey, I'm always a fan of drafts, and WWE drafts have always been way more entertaining than, say, the NFL one. Although the NHL one has its moments, so we'll call that one a draw.
And after his latest diatribe on his website, it seems that the Ultimate Warrior Warrior Warrior Warrior Warrior Warrior Ultimate Ultimate Warrior had another public outburst at an autograph signing, this time without the help of the Iron Sheik. See, but it's the Sheik who's the crazy, one, right Warrior?
Apparently, though I haven't seen it officially posted anywhere (but I trust my sources), every match at One Night Stand is going to be an Extreme Rules match of some sort, involving stipulations such as Street Fight, Cage Matches, and Falls Count Anywhere. Well, I guess when you're going to put on a PPV next week with the same matches as the one you put on last week, you have to do something to make it worth forty bucks. I wonder how ECW fans feel about their tribute PPV being turned into something being main-evented by John Cena, Great Khali, and ECW Champion Vince McMahon?
Oh, and lest we forget, RVD will be doing a farewell job at the show to your friend and mine, Snitsky. Hey, I can't help but like the big guy, I named my mage after him. If only One Night Stand were in the Hammerstein Ballroom this year, the fans could actually riot like they were going to last year. Well, as long as the riot was done in time to make sure they were home by 11, because otherwise their moms get worried.
Boy, it was a slow news week for everything except injuries, and I just happen to have my own personal section for that. Hm…that used to segue better before I added this new section.
Who's Holding Gold
Next title defense is the new stat of the week, as long as one is known. Because I have way too much time on my hands, that's why.
WWE
WWE Champion: John Cena
- 254 day reign
- defeated Edge on September 16th, 2006 (Unforgiven PPV)
- TLC match stipulation
- Next title defense: One Night Stand PPV, June 3rd (vs Great Khali)
World Heavyweight Champion: Edge
- 16 day reign
- defeated The Undertaker on May 11th, 2007 (Smackdown)
- Money in the Bank stipulation
- Next title defense: One Night Stand PPV, June 3rd (vs Batista)
ECW World Champion: Vince McMahon
- 29 day reign
- defeated Bobby Lashley on April 29th, 2007 (Backlash PPV)
- 3 vs 1 handicap match involving Umaga and Shane McMahon
- Next title defense: One Night Stand PPV, June 3rd (vs Bobby Lashley)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Santino Marella
- 42 day reign
- defeated Umaga on April 16th (Raw)
- No DQ stipulation
WWE United States Champion: MVP
- 8 day reign
- defeated Chris Benoit on May 20th (Judgment Day PPV)
- 2/3 Falls stipulation
World Tag Team Champions: The Hardys
- 56 day reign
- won 10-team battle royal on April 2nd (Raw)
- battle royal stipulation
WWE Tag Team Champions: Deuce and Domino
- 38 day reign
- defeated London and Kendrick on April 20th (Smackdown)
- Next title defense: Smackdown, June 1st (vs London/Kendrick & Regal/Taylor)
WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Chavo Guerrero
- 99 day reign
- won Cruiserweight Open on February 18th (No Way Out PPV)
- Cruiserweight Open stipulation involving Jimmy Wang Yang, Funaki, Scotty 2 Hotty, Gregory Helms, Daivari, Shannon Moore, and Jamie Noble
WWE Women's Champion: Melina
- 34 day reign
- defeated Mickie James on April 24th (Milan, Italy house show)
TNA
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Vacant
- title vacated on May 17th (Impact) due to disputed finish of Sacrifice PPV
- Next title match: Slammiversary PPV, June 17th (King of the Mountain match)
TNA Tag Team Champions: Team 3-D
- 36 day reign
- defeated LAX on April 15th (Lockdown PPV)
- Electrified Cage stipulation
- Next title defense: Slammiversary PPV, June 17th (vs Steiner Brothers)
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin
- 134 day reign
- defeated Christopher Daniels on January 14th (Final Resolution PPV)
- Triple Threat match involving Jerry Lynn
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 05.21.07
WWE
- Ashley, SD!, out indefinitely as of April 13 (leg)
- Beth Phoenix, RAW, out indefinitely as of June 6 (jaw)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Gregory Helms, SD!, out one year as of May 17th (neck surgery)
- Hardcore Holly, out 3-4 months as of April 3 (elbow surgery)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out 6-8 weeks as of May 8 (tricep)
- King Booker, out two months as of April 6 (knee surgery)
- Paul Burchill, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 29 (shoulder)
- Rene Dupree, ECW, out indefinitely as of March 2007 (Wellness)
- Rey Mysterio, SD!, out indefinitely as of October 2006 (knee surgery)
- Super Crazy, RAW, out indefinitely as of April 21 (torn MCL)
- Triple H, RAW, out 4-6 months as of January 7 (torn quadriceps)
- The Undertaker, SD!, expected to miss 6-8 months starting May 9 (bicep)
TNA
- Abyss, TNA, out indefinitely as of April 18 (kayfabe)
- Austin Starr, TNA, out 90 days as of April 18 (suspension)
Transactions
- Chuck Palumbo, made return to WWE on Heat
In the gimmick of "guy who rides a motorcycle", which, realistically, isn't the worst idea for getting him over. He has a decent finisher, too, provided he can pull it off regularly. Hey, I'm not giving you anything else, I had to watch Heat for this news, you should have to do the same.
- Dan Rodman, debuted on Heat
The former Dan Rodimer, one of the vanilla muscle guys from the $1 000 000 Tough Enough, and you know he's evil, because he beat up Eugene.
- Shawn Michaels, out indefinitely as of May 15th (knee surgery)
Boy, that WWE injury list is getting long, and really full of main event talent. Maybe they should start banning moves again or something.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 05.29.06, and ECW was going to be aired on Sci-Fi, and I took the opportunity to make long-winded nerd jokes. Sometimes I just can't help myself.
And hey, apparently at this time last year, Vince was going to name a new Raw GM that very night! And then he didn't. And then the entire thing got dropped while Vince pushed the Spirit Squad into a position way higher than any team of male cheerleaders should be.
The Wrestling Fan's Experience
Crap, I'm out again. You all know the drill, but unless I get a few more this week, this feature goes into semi-retirement with a big "season finale" type thing where I throw all sorts of cool stats and thanks at everyone. Nobody wants to see that, right? Come on, I know there's more of you out there with something to say, so here's the topics again.
1. Why I am a wrestling fan.
2. How I got into pro wrestling.
Linkous has Why I Love Wrestling, and gets a plug even though he listed me third from the top. Mostly because he forgot Larry until the very end, and anything that makes Larry feel slighted makes me incomprehensibly giddy with joy.
And Carapola has Friendly Competition. In the words of Dave Thomas, Carapola, leave Canada now…please.
The Gab Bag
Louis Jones has some random thoughts, and I have free time.
Ariel's Release - I think the reason Ariel was released was because of her name. If you go to the Diva's section on wwe.com, they have all the divas in order, by name. So, by nature, Ariel was the first diva you saw on the page. Now, with her gone, that honour goes to Ashley, their new golden girl.
That conspiracy theory is so wild and crazy and relies entirely on the judgement of people with brains similar to walnuts. I can only assume that it's entirely true.
Wrestlemania X7 - I am sure that someone, somewhere,has pointed this out before, but, when Coppella (sic, I assume he means Carapola, but hey, it could have been Coppolla. He could like wrestling, who knows) reviewed the show recently in his column, I noticed that, outside the Women's Match, every other match contained at least one future World Champion
Y2J vs Regal - Jericho
Tazz & APA vs RTC - JBL
Raven vs Kane vs Big Show - Show (Kane maybe, can't
recall when he won)
Eddie vs Test - Eddie
Benoit vs Angle - Both
Vince vs Shane - Vince
TLC 2 - Edge (and Christian in TNA)
HHH vs Taker - Both
SCSA vs Rock - Both
12 (or 13) Future World Champions on one card. Shows you the pedigree of that card.
Well, it's considered the greatest WWE PPV of all time by a lot of people, and now they have another reason. Look at the talent there. Plus, you can toss in that Raven and Rhino (he interfered in TLC 2) won the TNA belt, and Mick Foley was the special referee for Vince vs Shane, although I guess he was a past Champ, not a future one. And if you want to include those, then you've also got Ron Simmons in there. Damn.
I've never had a chance to use that until now.
The Doc - Dude, Roy Halladay. Appendicitis, and he is going to be back in 3 weeks. I bit my tongue once when I was 15, and I haven't played 3 Pitch in the 9 years since.
I'll do the jokes here. Seriously, though, I think it's long been apparent that Roy Halladay is a robot from the future sent back in time to outpitch everyone in the world. If only the forces of evil hadn't sent back Kevin Mensch to counteract him, he'd probably have 3 or 4 CY Youngs by now. And I've had appendicitis myself, and I could barely walk after two weeks, let alone throw a 90 mph cut fastball.
And One To Go On
411 will have live coverage of Raw from the greatest country in the entire world (look it up) tonight starting at 9 pm. That's our show, before we go, we check in with our good friend Larry Csonka, for a preview of tomorrow's Your News, My Views. And may I be the first to say, Larry, happy anniversary.
What's that supposed to mean, Randle?
Well, I did some checking, and it turns out that this week will be your third year of writing for 411, so congratulations on another year.
Three years? You mean I've spent three years here, listening to your drivel about "wrestling fans" and "being a fan" and thinking you're better than me just because you're Canadian?
I wouldn't put it exactly that way, but I guess that would be true, yes Larry.
Why haven't I fired you in all that time?
The common theory seems to be that you don't want to have to find yet another replacement daily news columnist, and Ashish won't let you have two days in a row.
Ah, yes, of course, that makes sense.
So, any plans for the big 3?
I was going to put you On Notice again for continuing to use me in this insipid column-closer.
Well, that's not really special, you've done that at least three times since you started putting things On Notice.
You are so lucky that I don't have a Dead To Me board yet.
Oh, so this is where all my luck goes. Thanks, God.
You're welcome.
No, Larry, the other one. Larry Csonka, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be in tomorrow, I'll be back next week.
