You're An Idiot And Here's Why 6.07.07: One Night Stand Special
Posted by Rob Halden on 06.07.2007
A One Night Stand Idiotic Special! Another chance to vote for the Idiot Of The Week and all the results from last week's Idiot. Was it WWE PPV's? Havoc? Or maybe it was Sting/Samoa Joe? You'll never know....unless you read on.
In the interest of fairness, I should warn you that we're pretty low on Idiots again this week. I can't believe it, reader. I even sent a crate of Vodka and four blunts to Randy Orton's hotel room, hoping that would spice things up. I heard about The Rock getting divorced and I was all over that mother, looking for all the juicy details. But guess what? They're gonna stay "friends and business partners". How does that help me, Rocky? Huh? You couldn't have smacked her around a little to help me out? How hard is that? Ask Austin for tips.
Well we did have what I would consider Potential Idiots!
Rajah.com reported Abdullah the Butcher, who turned 70 years old last November, came out of retirement to wrestle in a cage match at the Bad News Allen Tribute Show on May 25th in Cochrane, AB. It wasn't a pretty sight. It took a half hour to get the cage up, and Abby was so fat that they had to put up three sides of the cage, roll him into the ring after the match started with a brawl on the floor, and then put up the fourth side. The first time they rolled him in his back fat got caught in the ropes and they had to roll him out and try again. It was said to be really sad as he was almost completely immobile.
That's just tragic. I mean, the Butcher was no Greengrocer even in his hey-day, but I've seen pictures of him from a few years ago and I swear to God his shoulders have disappeared.
Blackjack Mulligan is trying to sell his autobiography…and failing. One publisher has reportedly called it "the worst wrestling book he had ever seen."
That publisher clearly never read The Rock's half-shoot/half-kayfabe masterpiece.
When asked about disparaging comments made about him by Rick Flair and Arn Anderson, Paul Roma said: "It doesn't bother me. What's disturbing is listening to Arn talk like he's the toughest thing since King Kong. You never did anything, so what makes you tough now? You laid on your bed, sucking down Krispy Kremes and KFC; you're not a tough guy. If you were that tough, Sid [Vicious] wouldn't have beaten you up."
When he says "beaten up" he does, of course, mean "stabbed repeatedly with a knife". Douche.
Okay well they didn't quite make it. Not Idiotic enough even for this very sparse week of Idiots. Once again reader I'm going to give you all the responsibility of judging, assessing and voting for the Idiot Of The Week.
Idiotic Candidate #1 – ONS Pudding Match
Y'know what? Fuck the Women's Division. You got me. You sold me on it, WWE. You've convinced me it's worthless. I'm with you. I'm a believer. If I ever had any faith in it thanks to the likes of Jazz, Lita, Mickie James and the one and only Trish Stratus, then it has been successfully driven from my soul. They can't put on a decent match, so let's not bother. Bring on the boobies! I'm on your side now, WWE. What I expect from Women's matches is boobs and legs and asses and skimpy outfits. So with that being the case…what the hell is a Pudding Match? I want sexy. You've made me want sexy. Bra & Panties is sexy. The wet t-shirts, the pillow fights, the lingerie matches, those are all sexy. Two seconds into the Pudding Match and I can't see squat. I can't tell which Diva is which (to be honest, I have a hard time without the Pudding) let alone trying to figure out if I can see cleavage or not. Don't dangle the promise of sexy in front of my ain't-been-laid-in-forever arse and then obscure it with brown muck. And what was the point of having them actually try and wrestle in that bowl of pudding? How exactly is "drowning the bitch" a legal hold?
You're An Idiot Because: Wrestling Or Sexy…Pick A Lane!
Idiotic Candidate #2 – ONS Lumberjack Match
I swear to God One Night Stand was nearly a WCW PPV. First of all, the premise of ONS was all Extreme matches. Every match was supposed to be Extreme and Hardcore. A Lumberjack Match is neither Extreme nor is it Hardcore. It has guys outside the ring who toss you back in if you try to leave and get yourself a weapon. I would boldly venture it is the freakin' opposite of Extreme.
Secondly every godamn Lumberjack was not only more talented than the two guys having the match (Val Venis, Chavo Guerrero, Kevin Thorn) but many of them were more over than the two guys having the match (Benoit, Carlito, Johnny Nitro).
This match had a HUGE build up of…Kane and Henry tried to have a match on Smackdown Friday night, but got counted out. This was a completely unforgivable waste of great talent. It was worse than not having Benoit and co. on the show at all, because they taunted us with the fact that they weren't doing anything!
You're An Idiot Because: Apparently You Think It's 1999 And You're WCW
Idiotic Candidate #3 – Randy Orton & His Amazing Powers Of Concussion
I understand what they're trying to do here. They're trying to build Orton up as a Legend Killer again. They need to put HBK on the shelf to rehab and have surgery. They need to take RVD out of storylines for when his contract expires. Makes sense right? Sure. On paper it seems to be a very sensible move to bring all three things together. Orton can kill HBK's legend, and then kill RVD's at One Night Stand no less. Brilliant. Except they decided to use concussion which…well, it's pretty tricky to sell to a wrestling audience. For instance, I've seen Shawn Michaels plummet off the side of a Hell In A Cell, get hit in the head with a sledgehammer and take numerous Con-Chair-Toes on recent TV. Sure it hurt him, but he showed up next week. That is, until Randy Orton kicked him in the head! He's out of action! His career may be over! HBK has NEVER been hurt like this before!
And then RVD at One Night Stand. It was a good match, all things considered. Except for some reason Randy Orton seemed to be trying to sell a concussion injury of his own! How is that gonna do anything but confuse the audience? We knew Rob was hurt. We kept getting told he had a possible concussion. Then RVD kicks Orton in the head a few times, and now Orton is the one staring off into space! Did these guys mix up their scripts in the back or what? Also I'm not sure how RVD was able to overcome his concussion to win the match, only for it to then end his career. Am I missing something? I mean, points for effort guys, but…
You're An Idiot Because: Apparently Randy Orton Has A Magic Foot Made Of Stone
Get voting!
Speaking of voting, last week you had the choice between Havoc dumping all over TNA at an Indy show, TNA giving away Sting Vs Samoa Joe for free and the WWE scheduling two PPV's just two weeks apart.
MTSI Shipping Dpt voted for - WWE Pay Per Views
P-Kon voted for – Havoc
S. Brown voted for – Havoc
ant-lox voted for – WWE Pay Per Views
Chad Rogers voted for – Sting Vs Samoa Joe
JoeWCO voted for – Sting Vs Samoa Joe
Karl Kode voted for – Havoc
M. Tully voted for – WWE Pay Per Views
Gibson voted for – Havoc
Idiot Of The Week: Havoc!
Actually, no. It's not. In an exciting development Havoc has explained to the Internet that he wasn't really taking a shit on his TNA bosses. He was only kinda, sorta doing it. He was doing it for Bad News Allen. So, yeah. I'm sure TNA will see it that way too. Because, y'know, I'm sure you cleared it with them first…right?
Now some point didn't vote for any of the three listed, and instead came up with their own. Now, in some ballots this might be called a ‘Write In' but here it's called ‘Being Too Fucking Dim To Pick One Name From A List Of Three'. Those idiots were…
John Reid voted for – You, the public
Joan McLees voted for – Me, your leader
Patrick Hogan voted for – Ron Killings
If this was your column then I'm sure you could pick whoever you want. But it's not your column is it. No. Pay more attention this week.
Now, let's see who's been PMS'ing this week.
Edmund Brown Why are you so mean to everyone who writes in? If I wrote such a column it wouldn't be like yours because I like people too much, and am too comfortable as a human being to feel the need to belittle people the way you do. The power of running a column seems to have gotten to your head!!!
Also your views are not particularly controversial, so the people writing in are only ever picking you up on minor points anyway and don't deserve the scorn and sarcasm you heap on them. LEAVE OFF MEANIE
yours sincerely,
Edward
P.S. Presumably in your response you will make fun of me for my childlike demeanour and use of language but I have been diagnosed with a testosterone deficiency since age 17 and have learned to live with my lack of manliness, so STICKS AND STONES, ETC.
Yeah, that contributed nothing to our great discussion on pro-wrestling. Way to waste an e-mail.
ant-lox WWE is crazy for having all these damn PPV's crammed into a year. 12 PPV's a
year is more than enough. If they were smart, they would at least space these
things out a bit more, 2 weeks buildup is not enough to get me to drop $40.
During the Attitude era they had me begging my mom each month to buy a PPV (They
were only $20 back then, the good old days!) Because each show was laid out over
the course of 4-5 weeks, and by the fourth week, you were ready for another cool
show. These days, the only events I order are Royal Rumble, WreslteMania, and
any PPV where Triple H has a Hell in a Cell match.
And thank god for the draft, because if they kept things the same, I'd probably
stop watching until The Game returns.
The prices are crazy, the amount of PPV's are crazy. I'll pay for the big four but that's only when I'm splitting it with my buddy Pete (what-up playa!).
JoeWCO Personally, If I were to pick a true idiot at this juncture, it would definatley be Rob Van Dam. With his contravt coming down to the wire in WWE, he would get major props if he'd sign sooner rather than later. If he goes to TNA, then he is a complete idiot. However, since RVD is not a choice, I will go with Somoa Joe vs Sting, because Sting is a complete idiot, for thinking that WWE is evil, and refusing to be a part of it even though they own all his old matches. So, I'll vote for #1.
See, Joe nearly joined the list of Idiots above who didn't know how to vote properly. But he pulled it back at the end. Well done Joe.
Nicholas That was a very good article. It really is crazy what Sabu keeps
doing. I forgot about his trip to the hospital. Do you know what
exactly was wrong to keep him in the hospital that long?
I think he went in with an injury and then picked up an infection of some kind that really took hold for a while. But you should check on Wikipedia. Because, y'know…I'm not gonna.
Patrick Hogan I love your column and I think you doing a great job, but I think Ron killing should also be added to this column. I mean if you get call from the WWE top star about battle rapping you, I think you should take him up on it. If your so sure that he will lose, not only will you have gain stock in your company but that will make the wwe look bad at the same time. I just think he is a idiot for not jumping at the chance.
It's a non-event. How is this an event? They didn't even speak to each other. No, until one of them knocks the other guy on his ass or whatever, I'm not gonna waste my time.
Joan McLee I would like to cast my vote for the person who doesn't believe Sabu has a right to have pride in his legacy. The person who believes Vince Russo (who is in charge of creative at TNA) is responsible for most of the bad booking there. I would like to nominate him not only for idiot of the week, but for IDIOT OF THE MONTH. If you haven't guessed who I'm talking about and you probably haven't, I nominate none other than Rob Halden!
Yeah. No one's thought of writing that to me before. Well done, you win this gold medal I have in my pocket. Send a cheque for £40 to receive your wonderful prize for being so quick and witty.
Okay, that's your lot. Go bother someone else. Except for Monday, then you should be sure to check out The Fink's Payload which I use as an excuse to call even more people Idiots.
