You're An Idiot And Here's Why 6.14.07: Vince McMahon
Posted by Rob Halden on 06.14.2007
Vince McMahon's fiery death was a work of wrestling genius! And when I say "genius", I do of course mean "he's this week's Idiot".
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Was there really any doubt as to who this week's Idiot would be? Really? Before we get down to Idiocy I just want to let everyone know that I was practically girly with excitement for the Draft Lottery…but then, inevitably, I was let down. It wasn't horrible, it was just nowhere near as good as the two previous Drafts. For a start the random drawing instead of brands competing, took some shine off proceedings. And frankly there were no big jumps. I'm not talking about having champions switch around like last time, but some upper-card talent should have moved. As much as I love him, Benoit hasn't been in the upper-card for a while, and Bobby Lashley was practically on Raw already. All three brands really needed spicing up, but Undertaker, HBK, HHH, Batista, Edge, Cena and Randy Orton were left out of proceedings. Hey, my penis loves Torrie Wilson as much as the next guy's penis, but why exactly was a draft pick wasted on her get moved to Smackdown?
Anyway, on with the Stupid.
This Week's Idiot: Vince McMahon
Vince McMahon's involvement in WWE storylines has always been debatable and easily open to criticism. For every "Stone Cold" Steve Austin feud, there's a Kiss My Ass Club. However last Monday night on Raw Vince McMahon climbed inside a limousine and was promptly blown to a fiery death. The car exploded and a blazing inferno took the life of Mr. McMahon.
Minutes later wwe.com was reporting that McMahon was presumed dead. Hours later it reported that the FBI were investigating his death. Last night's ECW On Sci-Fi featured a Ten Bell Salute to the now deceased Chairman of the company. And hours ago wwe.com put up a video of the McMahon family lawyer reading a statement confirming his death, the mourning of his family and stating that the WWE will carry on regardless.
First of all, let's take a moment to appreciate the detail that's been put into this angle, Idiotic or not. The company left a burnt limo outside the arena after Monday Night Raw, the wwe.com features on a CSI style investigation of the crime scene and constant updates on this angle create a cohesive storyline that I wish they would apply to other, more deserving areas of their business.
Involving the real world in professional wrestling is extremely tricky, and more often than not leads to pointless, confusing and insulting angles that we'd all love to forget through the help of those mind-burrowing worms from The Wrath Of Khan. Look, to enjoy wrestling we all most suspend belief, we all must lose ourselves in The Grand Illusion of the show. That includes all the in-ring work, but it also extends to the angles, screw-jobs, run-in's and interferences. I not only except that, I embrace it and love it. But every story and every narrative must employ internal logic. As soon as you have one wrestler arrest another wrestler for beating them up outside of the ring, then it all falls apart. Why didn't he just do that before? Why hasn't anyone done that before? Why doesn't that happen all the damn time? If a wrestler gets arrested for doing that one week, why are we seeing it happen again the week after? Or, hell, half an hour later? Getting the Police involved in wrestling angles and storylines, contradicts the internal logic already established. We have to suspend belief to accept this world where people getting beaten up behind the scenes or in the parking lot is just something that happens. Part of the job. If you then suddenly introduce a severe consequence for that action…then why the hell have we been suspending our belief over it? And why don't wrestlers keep getting arrested for doing that?
This becomes even more problematic when the angles replace physical confrontation between two wrestlers, for something more ‘extreme'. Rikishi running over Steve Austin, for example. Or Austin using a forklift truck to destroy Triple H's car with him inside it. The first problem with these angles, is that they tell us that a wrestling match simply isn't enough to resolve the problem. They make the wrestling merely a backdrop to some second-rate action movie stunts. But more than that, they yet again infringe and compromise our suspension of belief. We suspend our belief that these guys are able and allowed to beat each other up outside of the ring and scheduled matches. They get into brawls behind the scenes and we allow ourselves to believe that that happens on a weekly basis without them quitting or getting fired or calling the Police or suing the other person. That's an acceptable level that I think we can all get to quite easily. But when you've got someone being set on fire, or run over by a speeding car, when you've got these people trying to maim, cripple and kill each other…then it becomes virtually impossible to suspend your belief.
I love pro-wrestling. I love losing myself in the matches and the drama. I don't "pretend it's real", I forget that it's not. I forget I ever learned the horrible truth. And I can do that with a Piledriver or a Sharpshooter. I can do that with a chair shot or a steel cage or a ladder match. Because, largely, those things are real. But I can't suspend my belief when guns are brought into things, or the Police, or a blazing inferno and a character's death. I have severe problems with the Undertaker's magic-lightning (dude…fucking do that during the match) Mainly because I don't want to think of these guys as characters! And for the most part, the WWE doesn't want me to think of them as characters, that's why they spend time, effort and money convincing me they're real.
The death of Mr. McMahon is pure lunacy, and I have no idea what the WWE is hoping to get out of it. It was clear Tuesday night on ECW that nobody in the crowd is buying it, or even playing along. And yet everyone on camera is forced to play along with it. So we had a Ten Bell Salute that the fans were shitting all over and booing the crap out of the heel Mr. McMahon…and yet Tazz and Joey Styles are forced to react like it's real! They're forced to portray the fans as completely heartless shits. But how are we, the fans who want to play along, supposed to react? We're all quite willing and happy to play along, we do it every time we go to a show or turn on TV. But the WWE has given us no reaction. Mr. McMahon was the worst kind of villain. So…are we supposed to be happy? Or…are we supposed to be sad? Either way, what the hell does it achieve? Other than take all the attention away from the workers?
But another large contribution towards the Idiocy of this angle, is it's callous and thoughtless use of a death story in an industry constantly haunted by the deaths of our best and brightest. In an industry where we've seen the black tribute screens dedicated to the passing of Big Boss Man, Eddie Guerrero and Bam Bam Bigelow, to see a fake one put up to further a storyline is sickening. To have a mock Ten Bell Salute is not just distasteful but it's fucking heartless and disgusting. And what does that teach to newer, younger fans about conduct during a Ten Bell Salute? That's it's okay to boo if the dead guy was a heel?
All this from the same man who used Eddie Guerrero's death to turn a dollar. Who used terrorism and both Gulf Wars as fuel for another angle.
You're An Idiot Because – You're Making It Hard To Suspend Belief, And Disrespecting Great Memories
Okay let's move on to feedback from last week your votes to crown the One Night Stand Idiot. Your candidates were, the Pudding Match, the Lumberjack Match or Randy Orton's Magic Concussion Powers.
Stephen Straka voted for – Lumberjack Match
JoeWCO voted for – Lumberjack Match
Chris Rile voted for – Randy Orton's Magic Concussion Powers
TD Wakely voted for – Lumberjack Match
Mikewhat? Voted for – Randy Orton's Magic Concussion Powers
S-izzle111 voted for – Lumberjack Match
Turner voted for – Pudding Match
Rob X-Seven voted for – Lumberjack Match
An overwhelming victory for the EXTREEEEME!!!! Lumberjack Match where absolutely nothing extreme happened, and tons of talented workers stood around watching Mark Henry hold Kane in a nerve-pinch for roughly seven hours.
PMS'ing this week we have….
JoeWCO I'll have to vote for the Lumberjack Match. Completely wasting talent. Kane and Henry could have had a decent Extreme Rules match, remember Kane Vs Big Show extreme rules last year? It was great. Every other time those two stood in the ring together...it sucked, but when it got extreme, it was good. Since I love pudding, and beautiful women, I certainly can't vote for that, although I do value WRESTLING, which that certainly wasn't. As far as the Orton thing goes...I'm willing to accept it, as I see it building to Foley/Orton II.
Joe are you ready for this? I mean, get prepared buddy because this is big…I'm officially making you #1 Fan Of You're An Idiot And Here's Why. You're tireless dedication to this column has not gone unnoticed, and whilst I'm sure you're overwhelmed with emotion right now, try and hold it together.
Now, onto your comments. Kane Vs Big Show rocked the house because of why? Because of Big Show. Paul Wight is the man, pure and simple. I don't think we'll be seeing Foley/Orton II anytime soon. If Orton's still with the company and not in jail for going on an alcoholic hooker-killing spree, then I think we'll see it in a year or so.
Stephen Straka At least the concussion angle gave us an okay match at ONS as well as the return of Orton's Legend Killer persona. The pudding match was exactly as one could expect and was at least brief. The lumberjack match however had absolutely nothing positive and it was an absolute disgrace seeing Mark Henry and Kane in the ring while guys like Chavo and Benoit were standing around doing jack shit. Seriously, make something up about MVP getting Chavo to attack Benoit for whatever reason and not only do you have a better build-up to the match but you also have a much, much superior match period.
Yeah, according to SNME Benoit and MVP were still feuding, but all of one day later they're not going near each other at a PPV. That's some bad advanced taping right there.
Henry Gomes I love your column, I may not agree with you at certain times, but it's always an interesting read. Anyways all ass-kissing aside, I have an idiot suggestion. My idiot is Apolo. First the guy gets arrested for not paying child support and then only gets released because Carlos Colon decides to pay the alimony for him. Then a few days later he seriously injures Scott Steiner, denying everyone the chance to see one of the best built up matches by TNA. But even more importantly Scott Steiner's injury sounds really brutal and he's still in the ICU.
The fact that Steiners/Dudleys isn't gonna happen is crushing. That was the hottest and freshest thing TNA had put together in a long time. Mainly because everyone is sick of the one-trick Dudleys whose act had gotten stale in WWE, and want the Steiners to fuck their shit up. Seriously, if I have to see Bubba do that godamn no-sell stand-up one more time I'm gonna lose it.
No voting this week folks as there was actually some Idiocy for me to get my teeth into. But we do have a brand new feature called….
Idiot Watch – Summerslam/Jackass
The rumours are confirmed, pointless piece of crap show ‘Jackass' is going to be involved in Summerslam. Some reports are even claiming the main event of Summerslam. Now let's bear in mind that Jackass hasn't been "hip", "fresh" or "cool" since 2002. No, wait, sorry, it was never any of those things.
Now, a mere five years since it fucking ended, WWE have leaped on this sexy new bandwagon by trying to incorporate their retarded brand of shit into one of the most important events of the year.
Judging from wrestling's fantasticgooddecent abhorrent success rate with involving outside celebrities is there anyone out there who thinks this will be anything other than a great big turd in the middle Summerslam, sucking the joy and attention from the rest of the card? Get in touch, let me know.
That's all the Idiots for this week, be sure to catch The Fink's Payload on Monday to see me yell at yet more idiots for their crappy booking suggestions.
