The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 06.14.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 06.14.2007
I don’t know what’s more upsetting: The NBA Finals or the Death of Mr. McMahon
I apologize for last week's news report. It seems if you tuned in on 6.07.07 looking for an insightful, informative, creative news report, it seems you were S.O.L: Stuck withO' Lackey. Usually I do not like skipping out on my Small-For-All (like I could give a damn about Heat), but my life's pretty crazy right now. And since this is my news report and you have chosen to read it, here's what's going on in the life of Small.
The Small Life
In two weeks, Small will be moving to Boston because his company loves him; so much that they want to reward him by sending him to the home of Clam Chowdah, Dice-K, and the greatest baseball team in the World. (Yes, I'm a fan of fellatio.)
So what does this mean for you? Probably another week o' Wilcox (WOW Thursdays!) in the near future. I know… but it could be worse, I could leave you with Slimmer.
Huzzah!!!
WWE NEWZ AM
Wait… You Mean, He's Not Really Dead
While the world is in mourning over the loss of one Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon, there are a few athesists that actually believe that Mr. McMahon faked his own death. Well yeah, I mean, shit, why would a "billionaire" really want to kill himself at the closing moments of his own television show? If he really wanted to make a large impact, he should have died at the beginning of the program just to fuck with everyone else's emotions. Now that's being a cold bastard.
Anyway, here's how Mr. McMahon became a better illusionist than David Blaine on Raw. From the Times Leader (a local Wilkes-Barre newspaper):
Only it was wasn't live. Supervised by Zenith Pyrotechnology, based in Deer Park, N.Y., the explosion was actually filmed at the arena late Saturday night, the footage of the burning hulk taped Sunday night and the whole mess spliced together, said Andy Kratz, the township's zoning officer.
"They did it, I believe, at 11 o'clock at night until 3 a.m., so no one would be around," he said, adding that it was done in a section generally blocked from public view by the building and surrounding land features.
The pyrotechnics company had to get permits, which Kratz said it did about a week ago. "We have pyrotechnics shows in the arena all the time" for wrestling and ice skating, among other things, he said. "They say they do this quite a bit," but usually not outside.
Obviously, the big mystery still surrounding this angle is "Why Was it Done?" Well, the true motive is not known and actually might never be done. Why do I say that? Truth is, unlike any other television show, professional wrestling has the ability to change depending on the public's reaction. But Jeff, Vince has shown that he doesn't give a damn about the public? Wrong on two accounts. First, Vince doesn't care about most wrestling fans; however, he craves mainstream approval. Second, Vince is dead.
Personally, I believe that the limo explosion was originally being used to set off (ha, a pun!) the Jackass Summerslam angle. However, since the mainstream media has picked up the story so much ("WWE" is the #1 searched keyword on Yahoo), that I can see the WWE using this for something grandeur. Like an old fashioned murder mystery!
The Usual Suspects
Sadly, CSONKA had the most fun with this since he had the first crack at it. But since I don't mind sloppy seconds, it's my turn to throw down my list of suspects:
He never said who he was coming to get!
HEY! (Triple H, why are you looking toward Heaven when Vince is in HELL)
Finally the payoff to the VKM storyline!
Sorry, I couldn't resist!
Well was there anything else to talk about this week?
WWE NEWZ BM
There Was a Draft This Week?
While the finale on Raw was quite explosive (ha, a pun!), it totally overshadowed everything else that happed on the show. Which is quite sad when the entire show revolved around a Roster Draft: the event that was supposed to change the world of sports entertainment! Yet, two days later, I don't even remember the draft. Just a fiery limo.
Now if there was one draftee who I bet shared my mentality it would have to be Mr. Kennedy, one of Raw's steals. Why? Well according to Bryan Alvarez from Figure 4 Weekly (and the most recent Bo-flex commercial), "the reason why Mr. Kennedy was moved to Raw was Hunter complained about Raw not having enough heels."
Poor Mr. Kennedy… Kennedy!
And Here's a Reason why the Car Bomb Might be Ruled a Suicide
According to the Wrestling Observer, "the number of Backlash buys is at under 200,000 and that's for domestic and foreign totals combined."
Considering that Backlash was an unofficial Night of Champions (with four weeks of build), I must say that things are not looking to pretty for Vengeance. Hell, I'm pretty shocked about this buyrate. Granted, the Backlash buyrate (minus the year 2000) has always been low due to its close proximity with Wrestlemania (which attracts non-fans and also removes $50 of PPV money in the same month) and its reliance on rematches. But I'm flabbergasted that the foreign total is so low. It was a tri-branded PPV for God's sake! That and people like Wilcox eat this shit up! I guess we should all be on the lookout for the return of Paul Birchill: UK Superstar real soon.
JACKASS!
Regarding the upcoming Jackass Summer, according to the Wrestling Observer, "it is slated to be 'one to three matches on the card', featuring Jackass stars as babyfaces, against WWE heels. At this point, Steve O, Chris Pontius, Wee-Man, Bam Magera, Ryan Dunn, and Preston Lacey are all signed up for it. Johnny Knoxville has indicated he is up for it, but has not signed for it as of yet.
Shane McMahon is the one spearheading the angle. HHH and Stephanie were vehemently against their involvement. Shane talked Vince into doing it, as well as Bonnie Hammer from the USA Network, who wanted more celebrity involvement on Raw, due to the recent flat ratings after WM23."
As long as we get Wee-Man vs. Hornswoggle vs. Mini-Boogey, Summerslam 07 will automatically be better than last year's edition. Hell, I would bring back the Hardcore title just for the PPV to suit the Jackasses needs. That or have a team of Knoxville, Steve O, and Pontius take on the Great Khali, Umaga, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan (or Snitsky). Hell, it doesn't really matter since I'd probably buy the PPV anyway.
TNA NEWZ
Now, how can TNA produce anything as newsworthy as the murder of Mr. McMahon? Well, they can't. However, the company does have something to celebrate this week: their fifth-year anniversary!!! This Sunday marks SlammiVersary: one of TNA's most highly-touted PPVs of the year (probably #2 in overall importance behind Bound for Glory). But before we run down the card (and oh yes, we will), I just have a couple of things to say first.
Frankly, I am shocked that TNA has made it this long. Considering the company has lost a substantial amount of money, started during the doldrums of a post-Wrestling boom (2002 was a shitty year), and has primarily featured Jeff Jarrett in a starring role, am I the only one that's stunned to see the company marching on. Kudos TNA for trying to shut naysayers like me up for five years (though I didn't say shit about you guys when you had D'lo Brown). I can definitely see the company being around for another five more years as the company is in the best financial footing since their inception (Spike > Fox Sports News > Weekly PPVs) and only are a breakout superstar or two away from bringing back the buzz that the company had around this time last year.
Which leads me to this: if the company has half a brain, Samoa Joe should be walking out of Nashville with the TNA Championship around his waist. That is the wrestling equivalent of a sports entertainment wetdream (this Monday's explosion). Joe becoming TNA Champion would send shockwaves throughout the whole industry since it will be the first true TNA Superstar of the television age to break their glass ceiling (comprised of ex-WWE superstars). Christian, Angle, not even Styles could bring the same amount of buzz that one, Samoa Joe, could bring. And if he doesn't win the title now, I have no idea if it will ever happen.
Here's the card for Sunday's PPV:
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN MATCH FOR THE TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe
"Dancin'" Christopher Daniels vs. Sting
LAX vs. Chris Harris & Rhino
Alex Shelley vs. Mr. Bob Backlund
VKM vs. Basham and the Damaja
Frank Wycheck vs. James Storm
Overall, for a show of such magnitude, it's quite a mixed bag. On the undercard, only Daniels/Sting has the possibility of having a great match unless we add the heat from the Wycheck/Storm match with the workrate of the LAX/Harris & Rhino match. Granted, it's not all about workrate and this show at least appears on paper to be entertaining. Unless they do a Team 3-D vs. Rick Steiner match. Then all bets are off.
Stay tuned to 411Mania for any breaking updates and also for Larry's Live Coverage!!!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Looks like I'll be right here next week. Here's hoping you are too.
Enjoy SlammiVersary.
Marsico's in tomorrow.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!
