Keys to the Game 6.16.07: Tapping the Draft
Posted by Joe Estee on 06.16.2007
The first ever Tri-Branded Draft Lottery, Vince McMahon Appreciation Night, lots of beer, and my pal Dave... How can this article be even slightly Coherent?
Monday night I invited my friend Dave, a quasi-wrestling enthusiast, over to watch the first ever tri-branded WWE Draft Lottery. Here are the events that unfolded that evening.
7:55: We've settled in, grabbed a few drinks, and the questions begin: How will certain picks alter the brands? Drafting Santino Marella would effectively bring the Intercontinental Championship to another brand for the pickings, Melina or Chavo would transform the Woman's and Cruiserweight division respectively by moving them to another brand, and Finlay leaving SmackDown! could orphan poor Hornswoggle!
Dave, in turn, just wants to know where Ric Flair is going after I confirm to him that the Nature Boy is still in fact alive…WOOOO!!!!
8:01: The show is underway with Vince's opening statement. Dave speculates that the divot on Vince's chin came from an irate stripper's stiletto.
8:05: The draft picks will be selected by competition! Absolutely brilliant, if only the NBA held to this rule, the Celtics could have sent Sebastian Telfair!
8:06: MATCH 1 – John Cena vs. Edge
8:13: Edge wins the first pick for SmackDown! via countout. The Great Khali moves over to SmackDown! It seems that Khali has started his second tour of the WWE. In little more than a year, he has gone from SmackDown! to ECW to RAW and now back to SmackDown!. Khali also has a reputation for going after the real "Big Dogs" of the brands (Undertaker and Cena) So I expect Batista to top Khali's hit list.
8:22: Jessie the Body comes on to begin Vince McMahon Appreciation Night. Carl Weathers needs to become a governor of some sort to complete the Predator gubernatorial trifecta.
As to the speech itself, Dave sums up the response: "WTF did he just say?!?"
8:28:MATCH 2 – Carlito vs. CM Punk
I truly hope Punk doesn't get drafter to SD! and hooks up with Chavo… Remember this article?
Overshadowing this match is the irony of a guy named "Punk" sporting a large prominent Pepsi tattoo on his shoulder. Dave wonders aloud if a more corporate logo could be found.
CM Punk pulls out the victory which leads ECW to aquire the Boogeyman. A great opportunity for Boogie, as ECW really could be a great home for him. I just fear what could become of Mini-Boogeyman, and Dave affirms that my fixation with midgets frightens him. This topic is dropped quickly as we both notice that Punk is a little too happy to see Boogey. Don't think it was a little homoerotic? GO back and check your DVR…
8:36: And the next speaker at Vince McMahon Appreciation Night: Snoop Dog. We pretty much have the same response as to Governor Ventura's speech.
8:42: Mick Foley Segment
Foley announces that he wants to compete for the championship, but more importantly, Dave wants me to point out that Foley is a fellow SUNY Cortland alum. In fact, he's really the only SUNY Cortland alum. Then again, the most famous Northeastern University alum is a dead Celtic… so I really can't mock him all that much.
8:53 MATCH 3 – Umaga vs. Balls Mahoney
Well, this one got over in a hurry. RAW finally earns a draft pick and they pick up Reche Caldwell's long lost brother: King Booker (Might need to be a Pats fan to grab that one)
9:00 MATCH 4 – Bobby Lashley vs. Chris Benoit
In the current steroid saturated culture of wrestling, Benoit deserves some credit for maintaining the same physique he came into the league with, but immediately loses that credit for keeping the same Hypercolor tights from the 80's that remarkably displays his ass sweat.
9:09: Lashley wins a fantastic match, I mention how I'd love to see these two on the same brand and moments later… Benoit to ECW. I celebrate the lifting of my wrestling curse with another Sam Adams!
9:19: Moolah and Mae Young bark like dogs. Somewhere, someone with a very particular octogenarian bestiality fetish is very, very happy. I take the next commercial break defending why I like wrestling to Dave…
9:24: Superfly and Sheik Segment.
Dave remarks that Snuka looks to still be suffering from the ill effects of Piper's coconut, while the Sheik is still suffering from the ill effects of Cocaine with Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
9:28: MATCH 5 – M.V.P. vs. Santino Marella
I wonder if this is the first time that the Intercontinental Champion has faced the United States Champion while Dave wonders if Santino is still suffering from ill effects of Soprano's season finale…
I'm also curious if MVP, incarcerated for nine and a half years, uses the infamous Roadhouse, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison" line in some pre-match smack talk.
9:33: MVP with the playmaker for the win and gets Torrie Wilson drafted to SD!
9:34: Next up: Bret Hart
Oh… it's time for another round of drinks…
9:39: Bret Hart segment
Dave said it best: "Kids…. Don't do ‘roids…"
9:41: MATCH 6 – The Miz vs. Snitsky
Snitsky destroys Miz for the pin, but the decision is reversed due to post match antics. This has always been a pet peeve of mine. The WWE needs to be more consistent with these "reversals." Though, I see this more as a statement to ECW competitors that they need to tone their ways down on other brands.
Chris Masters in turn head to SmackDown! where maybe the cruiserweight will give him less trouble than Marella.
9:45: Vince McMahon Appreciation Night Speaker: Bobby Heenan … and my new number one pick in the death pool reminisces.
9:57 MATCH 7 – Candice Michells vs. Krystal
I think we built up some fast forward delay on the DVR, because I recall just skipping past this one. Either way, I grab another round to morn the persistence of my curse as Lashley heads to RAW.
Lashley is stripped of the ECW title, which I feel is appropriate. Two years ago Cena and Batista were able to swap brands and kept their respective championships, but they didn't necessarily have a brand specific title. (Hey CP, I'm still waiting for Cena to go back to SD!...)
I suggest that now on RAW, Lashley should seriously consider the seldom utilized mute gimmick while Dave comments that there's been more pyrotechnics in this show than at a Great White concert.
Little did we know how tonight would end…
10:11: MATCH 8 – Jeff Hardy vs. Elijah Burke vs. Batista
Maybe it was the alcohol, but I'm still wondering if there were marionette strings attached to Heenan…
Batista picks up another draft pick for SmackDown! and is pleased to see his old mentor, Ric Flair, come aboard.
Dave is satisfied to know that the Nature Boy will die on SmackDown! now…
10: 33: MATCH 9 - 15 Man Battle Royal 10:33? What happened to the last 22 minutes you question.Well, I retained some hazzy memories of Dusty Rhodes and Lou Albano… both who look exactly the same as they did in 1985… and that's not necessarily a compliment either.
Randy Orton picks up an impressive victory as I clutch my autographed copy of Vengeance 2004 to my chest. (Which proudly displays the Legend Killer Tour T-Shirt)
Snitsky and Mr. Kennedy to RAW. Kennedy to RAW is massive because on Raw, he will have a more fluid atmosphere to express himself. Plus, with Boogey moving to ECW and Finlay still on SD!, RAW is a midget free zone.
Final Tally:
RAW: King Booker, Bobby Lashley, Snitsky, Mr. Kennedy
A fantastic night for RAW. Every pick brought them an immediate impact player.
SmackDown!: The Great Khali, Torrie Wilson, Ric Flair, Chris Masters
I don't care how much JBL tried to candy-coat this one. A poor draft for SmackDown!. Khali hasn't established any real staying power, Chris Masters hasn't been the same since the implementation of the WWE Wellness Program, Torrie is looking a little long in the tooth for a Diva, and Ric Flair could die on any given Friday night.
ECW: Chris Benoit, Boogeyman
A very productive evening for ECW. Sure, they lost Lashley, although how regularly has he really even been on ECW? The title is open for the taking, which should makes ECW very exciting in the weeks to come. Benoit retuning is also great acquisition, as both Benoit and the brand could be rejuvenated from this move.
