The Shimmy 6.18.07: Whodunnit?

Posted by Andy Clark on 06.18.2007

Following the hard week that was, The Shimmy heads up the investigation of the presumed murder of Mr. McMahon. Who could have done such a thing? The Shimmy takes a look at ALL the possible suspects!

Welcome, all, to a mournful edition of The Shimmy. It has only been seven days since the wrestling world presumably lost its leader and it's still hard to think about. Last Monday, on a night that should have been a celebration of the great things one Mr. McMahon has brought us over the years, Mr. McMahon was presumably killed in a presumably planned car bombing, presumably. Over the course of the week WWE.com has kept us all posted on the presumed investigation of the presumed incident. It has certainly been a trying time for all of us and I for one would like to have this presumed crime solved. But who could presumably have been behind such a heinous act? Well, if last Monday's Raw was any indication it could be any number of people. This week's column will examine the suspects and see just who could have been the presumed mastermind.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura

From a capabilities standpoint the former Governor of Minnesota would have to be a prime suspect. He would have the political means to set up such an attack as well as the military background. Jesse pointed out in his video piece that he was trained as a Navy SEAL and he seemed to have some deep rooted resentment for Mr. McMahon even though there hadn't been any recent developments between the two. Ventura has been waffling on the edge of sanity for a few years now so perhaps an act like this wouldn't be surprising.

Bret "The Hitman" Hart

So Bret Hart would like to "appreciate" Mr. McMahon by hitting him in the head 30 or 40 times, eh? How about presumably killing him? We all know that despite what lip service Hart has paid to the McMahons over the past year he will never really be over the Montreal Screwjob and he showed as much in his video on Monday night. Bret blames everything that has gone wrong in his life of Mr. McMahon and knowing that the Chairman would have an Appreciation Night may have just him over the edge. He is known as "The Hitman" after all.

Mick Foley

One wouldn't think that Mrs. Foley's baby boy would be up to the task of presumed murder, but if Mick has shown us anything over the past year it is that he is not nearly as cuddable as we thought he was. Hanging out with porn stars, tearing down Ric Flair, and becoming more and more political behind the scenes and Mick Foley is not the lovable Muppet we have come to love. You could tell by reading his latest book that Mick was very frustrated with Mr. McMahon and the way he was running the company. What better way to cut out that frustration than by blowing it to smithereens?

Dusty Rhodes

Unless Dusty was merely looking for more political power backstage it would seem like Dusty would not be a top suspect. The "American Dream" gave one of the more positive speeches on Mr. McMahon's behalf on Monday night, but then again he could very well have some deep rooted hatred of Mr. McMahon for having to wear polka dots during his WWE run. Dusty's praise of Mr. McMahon on national television would also be a good way to deflect attention from himself as a suspect so perhaps his tribute was merely a ruse to fool the authorities.

Rowdy Roddy Piper

"We all appreciate you for what you really are!" Those were Piper's words on Monday night. What exactly is that, Mr. Piper? A presumed corpse perhaps? We all know how unpredictable Hot Rod can be and this would just take the cake.

"Superfly" Jimmy Snuka & Iron Sheik

I think they praised Mr. McMahon on Monday but who can really tell with these two? Still, there could be motive. Mr. McMahon was nothing if not a patriot and the Iron Sheik has recalled his hatred of America for years. As for Snuka, this wouldn't be his first run in with murder.

Ashley Massaro

Sweet little Ashley was suspended by Mr. McMahon a week ago on SmackDown. This could not have set well with the former Diva Search winner who was just getting back from an injury. Could she have snapped and taken out the Chairman in response? Or could Ashley have been attempting to get out of her contract with WWE so she could go join the cast of Survivor as has been reported on fine wrestling news sites such as this? Ashley looks just like the kind of person that hung out with pyromaniacs in high school, too.

Mean Gene Okerlund

Of all the people with negative things to say about Mr. McMahon Mean Gene was the most surprising. Sure, he covered up his apparent hatred for the man with sarcasm but you could tell that Okerlund was a very bitter man. Who knows why these feelings may have surfaced now but after all his year in the business you can imagine the connections that Mene Gene may have made, maybe even some dangerous alliances.

Mark Cuban

Yes, Mark Cuban was the most positive of all the speakers on Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night but there are three letters that could have made Cuban blow up Mr. McMahon's limo: XFL. No matter what Cuban's new football league the UFL will be compared to Mr. McMahon's failed XFL. With such comparisons it will be hard for the new league to get much traction. But what if the XFL didn't have such a bum rap? People are always seen as visionaries once they have passed on and should Mr. McMahon experience an untimely death, particularly in such a sympathetic situation, the XFL may not be remembered in such a bad light. Cuban is a shrewd businessman and he must certainly have thought of this.

Bob Costas

Bob Costas has been riding that Mr. McMahon appearance for years. Has he conducted any other interviews on his HBO show? No matter what he does on his show people will always remember his epic encounter with Mr. McMahon. What better way to boost his show's ratings and rejuvenate his own career than to be able to talk about Mr. McMahon's presumed death for weeks on end?

Captain Lou Albano

Captain Lou's sole purpose on Monday seemed to be to get himself over. What better way would there be to get himself over than to bump of the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment?

Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat

Steamboat mentions himself that he doesn't agree with some of the things Mr. McMahon and WWE do onscreen and he chalks that up to Mr. McMahon needing to keep the company, and the business, rolling from year to year and raking in millions of dollars. But Steamboat is an old school guy and you would think he would want to cut of the head of a poisonous snake. Steamboat has never been a heel in his wrestling career; could he end up being the biggest heel of them all?

Donald Trump

Donald Trump's involvement with WWE came at a time when WWE's television ratings rose and The Apprentice's ratings plummeted. How do you think that would make The Donald feel? Trump is a very powerful man and he could have easily set up such an attack on Mr. McMahon.

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan

Do you really think Bobby Heenan would have presumably killed Mr. McMahon? Me neither. That's exactly why he's the perfect suspect. Nobody would suspect him of doing it so he has the perfect cover story. Never trust a guy with the nickname "Weasel."

Steve-O

The Jackass guys always get off on doing dumb stunts. Could this have been a stunt gone wrong? Or could these guys be smarter than we all think they are? Steve-O clashed with WWE brass recently over the big Jackass involvement at SummerSlam. Could this have been fiery payback at the hands of a total buffoon?

Mike Rotundo

A billionaire like Mr. McMahon could very easily have not paid his taxes. This could have been the ultimate lesson on not screwing with the IRS.

Snoop Dogg

He was probably high so it was probably a mistake. "What? That wasn't Dre's limo? Shiiiiiit."

Arn Anderson

While "The Enforcer" showed a certain deal of respect for Mr. McMahon's vicious business acumen but there was also a good deal of resentment for Mr. McMahon's need to even have an Appreciation Night to begin with. I wouldn't trust any of these old school guys as it relates to Mr. McMahon's safety and you never know what tricks a Horseman may have up his sleeve.

Tony Garea

Tony Garea had nothing to thank Mr. McMahon for as he could only think of things that Vince McMahon Sr. had done for him. Hardly a grateful employee, eh? Who knows what kind of resentment a guy like Garea could have been holding inside for all these years?

Pat Patterson & Gerald Brisco

The Stooges. That's what two of the all time greats were referred to as under Mr. McMahon. The first Intercontinental Champion and one of the greatest tag team wrestlers of all time were reduced to getting Mr. McMahon his coffee and getting beaten up by the Mean Street Posse. They are the last two men Mr. McMahon saw before he left the building on Monday night. Perhaps they wanted one last glimpse at the old man before he went boom.

Howard Finkel

Howard Finkel is one of the most underappreciated guys in WWE and he acknowledged as much. How is it that there are three WWE brands and The Fink isn't doing the ring announcing for any of them? I bet Shane would let Finkel at least do ECW…

Brooklyn Brawler

The name Brooklyn Brawler is associated with one word: jobber. The Brawler stated that Mr. McMahon never gave him the proper acknowledgement and never got behind him to push him farther which is a valid criticism. How many title shots do you remember The Brawler getting? Some people also seem to think that The Brawler was one of the two suspicious looking men sitting outside in the parking lot when Mr. McMahon left the building.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hacksaw Jim Duggan is a very unstable individual. In one breath he seems to hate Mr. McMahon for hitting him with a chair and for giving that "punk kid" a chair to hit him with. Did I miss something there? In the next breath he's thanking Mr. McMahon for helping him put his kids through school. That's not a guy I'd trust to have around backstage.

Dean Malenko

Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero became World Champions. Perry Saturn got to be a cult hero by falling in love with a mop. What did Dean Malenko, one of the most gifted wrestlers of our generation, get when he came to WWE? A feud with Crash Holly and an opportunity to job to Lita on PPV. The one real time Malenko would have been able to shine would have been in the proposed Eddie Guerrero Tribute Match against Chris Benoit at last year's One Night Stand, and that was pulled away from him. Never mess with "The Iceman."

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Stone Cold Steve Austin has made a career out of making Mr. McMahon's life a living hell, and vice versa. Of all the testimonials on Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night Stone Cold's was by far the most violent. Perhaps this violence is fueled by the recent failure of Austin's movie The Condemned. Mr. McMahon promised to make Stone Cold a bonafide movie star and his first vehicle for Austin flops something terrible. The Texas Rattlesnake has destroyed many a vehicle in his day even going so far as to blow up the DX Express. What's to say he didn't blow up Mr. McMahon's limo too?

Hulk Hogan

Hogan was one of the many that didn't even think Mr. McMahon was worth showing up for. Mr. McMahon and Hulk Hogan have a well documented on-again off-again history that is currently in a pretty heated off-again mode. Hogan knows he won't be back in WWE anytime soon as long as Mr. McMahon had anything to do with it. Obviously the simple solution would be to take Mr. McMahon out of the equation and the conquering hero could return to a grieving company.

Triple H

Triple H is not called the Cerebral Assassin for nothing. He is a shrewd politician and every since marrying Whathername he has had the WWE's future waiting for him on a silver platter. This wouldn't be the first time Triple H has conspired to have someone killed as he was the mastermind behind getting Stone Cold Steve Austin run over in 1999. A year ago DX even ripped out the undercarriage of Mr. McMahon's limo, a move that could have been very costly for the Chairman. Maybe this time he was just finishing the job.

Shawn Michaels

There's no telling what a devout man with a concussion could be up to, especially when that man is Shawn Michaels. He has a history of being a manipulator as well as having a violent history with Mr. McMahon. HBK could either not be in the right frame of mind or he could be in the perfect frame of mind to commit presumed homicide.

The Rock

"Would you PLEASE stop calling me to come back?! I'm not coming back, never never, NEVER! Why don't you just go wipe a monkey's ass and die or something?!"

Trish Stratus

Ashley Massaro reminded us all of that time when Mr. McMahon forced her to strip and then bark like a dog on national television (conveniently leaving out being smothered in sewage or vomit or whatever that nasty stuff was). Trish may never have had the courage to exact revenge while she was employed by Mr. McMahon, but now that she's in the clear this would be the perfect time for her payback.

Dick Ebersol

Revenge for the XFL? Wanting to get out of having to do another Saturday Night's Main Event? Trying to fill up five hours of Dateline a week? These all could be possible motives for the head of NBC Sports to whack the head of WWE.

Ted Turner

It's been six years since Mr. McMahon bought Ted Turner's beloved WCW and subsequently killed it. Turner has the power and the influence to get the job done and he may very well have prevented any further Mr. McMahon Appreciation Nights. Besides, what else is he doing these days?

Eric Bischoff

Take what I said about Ted Turner and take away Turner's moral compass. With Mr. McMahon gone maybe Bischoff will finally stop being blamed for every underhanded tactic used in the Monday Night Wars.

Shane McMahon

There had been talk of making Shane McMahon the public face of WWE anyhow, perhaps the boy wonder wanted to make it official. You never hear about Shane being the future head of the company, it's always about Daddy's little girl and Triple H. Shane may have some Oedipal issues that need to be worked out. Linda, I'd be afraid.

Stephanie McMahon

During the Invasion in 2001 Stephanie said that she just couldn't wait for her father to die. Well, maybe the waiting just got to be too much to bear. Over the past few years Stephanie has taken a much more active role in the company's day to day business. Stephanie would obviously be the heir apparent once Mr. McMahon were ready to step down. The only thing is it would probably take Mr. McMahon's death to get his to do so. Well we'll see who takes over now.

Jim Ross

Do I even need to explain this one? He's been fired what, six times? He's been burned alive on national television, he's been forced to kiss Mr. McMahon's ass, he's been beaten up in front of 30,000 people at the Georgia Dome and destroyed just about every time they go to Oklahoma, and he had to sit at home and watch the 15-minute exploit of Dr. Heine while he was recovering from colon surgery. If there is anybody that should be ALLOWED to presumably kill Mr. McMahon it should be JR.

Teddy Long

Last week on SmackDown Mr. McMahon threatened Teddy's relationship with Kristal. A man in love will do some crazy things sometimes. What would Dr. King say, T-Lo?

Bobby Lashley

Mr. McMahon's feud with Bobby Lashley has been well documented over the months. Unlike many of the other superstars Mr. McMahon has fought over the years Lashley has military background and you would imagine military friends. Lashley was stripped of his ECW World Title on Monday night by Mr. McMahon. Could Mr. McMahon have been stripped of his life by Bobby Lashley?

Matt Hardy

The Hardys were forced to defend (and subsequently lose) their World Tag Team Titles due to Mr. McMahon. A few days later on SmackDown Matt Hardy was forced to compete against Deuce & Domino in a Handicap Match, another losing effort. Matt Hardy once wished that Edge would die in a car accident so we know he gets rather morbid when he's mad. Mr. McMahon could have been the Angelic Diablo's first victim.

Bruno Sammartino

They hate each other for some reason. Wilkes-Barre isn't too far from Pittsburgh. Who knows?

Paul Heyman

This one would be for all the ECW fans out there. Mr. McMahon has bastardized the legacy of a promotion that many people held dear. One man held that legacy even closer to his heart than anybody, though, and that was Paul Heyman. ECW was really the only think Happy Heyman had in his life and when Mr. McMahon took that away I could only imagine the hideous plans the mad scientist might have cooked up. If Heyman was behind the car bombing I wouldn't be surprised if he were actually in the limo with Mr. McMahon when it went.

Jonathan Coachman

At SummerSlam 2003 Jonathan Coachman shocked the world by transforming from a mild mannered Barry Manilow-loving commentator to being the character that we all know today. Since that time The Coach has been trampled on by Mr. McMahon many times. He has been insulted even when we was trying to make Mr. McMahon feel better. He has been left to be destroyed by Mr. McMahon's enemies, most notably Bobby Lashley. He has even been demeaned in front of his peers and Mr. McMahon wasn't even impressed enough with Coach to make him the official Raw General Manager. Jonathan Coachman has a lot of reasons to want to see Mr. McMahon taken out and he was awfully quick to point Mr. McMahon in the direction of his "right" limo.

Paul London

Every superstar that lined that hallway in Wilkes-Barre was very solemn and had a look of concern for Mr. McMahon's mental state. All except Paul London who stood there with a ridiculously doofy smile on his face. What was with that? He'd be a prime suspect if I were investigating the case.

God

An old foe of Mr. McMahon's, He has shown us just what he is capable of. This wouldn't be the first time He's reigned down explosions at Mr. McMahon as evidenced by their feud last spring.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage

So he can FINALLY get inducted into the Hall of Fame (this may have been a joint effort with JR—either that or a means to frame Hulk Hogan).

Muhammad Hassan

Payback's a bitch.

Dana White

I wouldn't trust this douche bag any farther than I could throw him. I'm sure the presumed death of the head of your "competition" works out great for your business plan, eh Whitey?

Vincent Kennedy McMahon

And last but not least, we have the Chairman himself. Keep in mind that Mr. McMahon is only presumed to be dead. Maybe he escaped? Maybe it wasn't really him? Maybe they filmed it a day ahead of time and spliced the video? Maybe He'll resurrect himself to prove that McMahonism truly is the way? There is no telling what goes on in the mind of Mr. McMahon. You think you know? No chance in hell.

500 Good Words w/ Matt Adamson

The draft lottery happened last week and I was very pleased with the result. So many people keep complaining that Smackdown got ripped off, but I would completely disagree with that statement. I think Smackdown came out on top. They acquired "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Wait? He's old isn't he? Well, yeah he's old, but that doesn't seem to matter in the WWE where 60+ year old men who actually can't wrestle are World Champions and the one that can wrestle is putting on some of the best matches on TV. I think having Ric Flair on Smackdown is going to lead to some potentially awesome stuff. First of all, a feud with any of the following would result in some fun matches: Edge, Rey Mysterio, Finlay, and William Regal. Can you imagine the awesomeness of Finlay vs. Flair? I can and it's good.

Another thing I really like about Flair making the move to Smackdown is that it is the brand that possesses the big gold World Heavyweight Championship Belt. The same belt belt that is designed to look exactly like the belt Flair made famous during the 80's and early 90's. It is the same belt that he took onto WWF television in 1991 and shocked us all. What would make Flair's trip to Smackdown even greater is if he got one more run with that belt. I believe he has held that particular belt around 10 times. How great would that be to see one last time? I know, I know I'm preaching to the choir here. Everybody wants to see Flair hold it again, right? Right, so it should happen at the Great American Bash. How awesome would it be for Flair to win the title at the Great American Bash. After all he did main event the FIRST Great American Bash show, and the first time the Bash was on PPV. He managed to completely ruin a Bash by jumping to the WWF in 1991 and when WCW scrapped the Bash after 1992, when they brought it back in 1995, who main evented it? Ric Flair.

It's a beautiful thing when we get to see history made. Seventeen World title reigns is something we've never seen before and most likely will never see again. It would be a tremendous tribute to his legacy and doing it at the Bash would only make it that much more special for Ric and for us as fans. It will be an opportunity for the WWE and all of us as fans to say "thank you" to Flair for his dedication to entertaining us for so many years. Since today is my birthday, I say, "MAKE IT HAPPEN DOUBLE DOUBLE E, AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!" You're welcome Ric, you are welcome.

Make sure to email me a birthday e-card. I have never received one of those so I leave it to you the readers to be the first. My email is [e-mail]. Until next time.

The Shimmy Likes It Raw!

What's on tap for tonight's show? I'll be in the house LIVE from the Richmond Coliseum to see what the new WWE landscape is like.

A week after the WWE Draft how will Raw's newest members adjust to their new surroundings?

What developments will be made in the investigation of the presumed death of Mr. McMahon?

Less than a week away from Vengeance: Night of Champions what other championship matches will be signed for the show?

Before I leave this week's column, a few acknowledgements. First, happy belated Father's Day to all the Dads out there, mine in particular (and you get your shout out too, Rob!) I'd also like a to wish a happy early 21st birthday to my beautiful girlfriend Dani who celebrates her big day on Thursday. Congaloosh!

Well that does it for this week. I'll be back here next Monday, hope to see you there. Until then, don't die (I'd stay away from limos). Clark…out.