It seems the idea of Jackass at Summerslam is an unpopular one, but we're booking it anyway!
Dan: Hello, fans of The Payload and welcome back. My name is Dan but you can call me Mr. Wilcox. My absence last week was due to PC issues, but that's all cleared up now and I'm back, but credit to my two partners for handling the Payload by themselves last week. Speaking of my partners, they are;
Rob: Rob Halden, host of You're An Idiot And Here's Why.
Matt: I'm Matt Adamson, complete puro geek who makes absurd statements that everybody else seems to disagree with. I'm in a feisty mood so let's get on with it.
Dan: Last week we asked you to come up with a plan for the Jackass Crew heading into Summerslam and we got a range of different ideas, so let's get straight to ‘em. First up is Stephen Straka;
The Jackass guys at Summerslam? Fuck. Ideally, I'd just have them out at a Saturday night/Sunday afternoon party (BIGGEST PARTY OF THE SUMMER~!) and then have them run over by a beer truck as Summerslam itself starts.
Unfortunately, this isn't a perfect world so I figure they must be involved in a match or two. Preferably only one. Okay then, so Steve-O comes out on an episode of Raw after GAB to announce that he's better than most of the superstars in the locker room (which he probably is actually) and challenges the WWE to send out their best. So the Coach replies by saying that the best of the best will be at Summerslam. That man is later revealed to be, dundundunDUUUUUUN, Triple H, in his first match since returning from injury. Despite interference from the rest of the Jackass crew he squashes Steve-O in a hopefully short and relatively painless match. And by relatively, I mean less than watching Deuce and Domino vs. Sgt. Slaughter and the Superfly. The main reason for this is it gives someone for Triple H to squash upon return other than random jobber #14684 and helps shake off his PPV ring rust. Also, any stupidity in the match (of which there is bound to be much) can be blamed on Jackass.
So after the match, a beer truck rolls in driven by Stone Cold and the Sandman~! and after spraying the crowd with beer (BIGGEST PARTY OF THE SUMMER~!), they utterly dismantle the Jackass crew with Pedigrees, Stunners and White Russian Legsweeps. The Jackass involvement is going to be retarded enough that there needs to be no explanation for Stone Cold and Sandman inexplicably working with Trips other than to kick ass and spray people with beer.
Dan: The problem you have with using Triple H is that if Steve-O does what he did last year with Umaga and no-sells Trips' offence, The Game looks like the dumbest fuck in the world, especially after returning from injury. Furthermore, I'd never buy Triple H and Steve Austin sharing a cold one just because they beat up a bunch of Jackasses. But the way you've set the match up does mean that there wouldn't be a whole of Jackass on our screens every Monday night leading to Summerslam.
Rob: I like the first idea. The one where they die and no one cares.
Matt: I like the idea of having them run over by a beer truck. You should have ended your email there.
Dan: Payload regular Matt Ayers shares his idea;
I im matt ayers and heres my idea for the Jackass crew
Teddy long opens smackdown in the back with krystal standing beside him, " holla holla holla, tonight on smackdown we got some big guests, the crew from jackass will be here!"
Later in the night the jackass crew of Stevo, pontious, knoxville, bam, and wee man come out to the ring. Stevo grabs the mic "this summer at summerslam we have been told that we get to be involved in a match. And guess what we love to fight!"
Before Stevo can continue Finlay comes out. Finlay grabs the mic from stevo "so you love to fight? Well guess what I am not going to let you jackasses come in my ring and disrespect the business that I love." Finlay slaps Stevo. Stevo goes to punch him but finlay picks him up and throws him in the corner. Bam hits Finlay with a skateboard and the Jackass crew begin to beat down finlay. Wee man goes out of the ring to get a chair but hornswaggle comes out from under the ring and tackles him as the two little men begin to brawl. The Jackass crew in the ring begin to taunt the crowd and not pay attention to Finlay. Hornswaggle throws Finlay his shilalaghi and Finlay begins to clean house on the jackass crew. They all bail and wee ran runs away through the crowd.
Next week on smackdown Finlay is facing Dave Taylor in a little competitive match before out of nowhere the Jackass crew comes through the crowd and attacks them. Even Hornswaggle isnt enough to stop the beatdown. The jackass crew walk up the ramp and leave Dave Taylor and Finlay in the ring beaten and battered.later in the night Finlay with hornswaggle and Dave Taylor demand a match with the Jackass Crew at summerslam. Teddy thinks it would be good for buy rates so he agrees and signs the match.
Summerslam
Handicap match
Finlay hornswaggle and Dave Taylor vs. the jackass crew
10 minute sports entertainment match with the jackass crew flying all over the place. Match ends when the hornswaggle hits wee man with the shilalighi for the win.
Dan: Sorry, but I'm not buying the Jackass Crew, however many of them there are, beating down two tough old British Bastards in Finlay and Taylor. But at least you got Hornswoggle and Weeman in with each other which would serve for some of the best comedy stuff the E has done in a while.
Rob: Whilst the idea of seeing the talentless retards catch a beating from two of the toughest wrestlers alive is intriguing…I also don't buy that beat down you're trying to sell me. And why didn't you throw William Regal into the match when you already had his tag team partner involved? Okay, from now on all suggestions that don't include the one and only William Regal, lose two points. That's my new rule.
Matt: More midgets need to beat up jackasses, nothing else is really needed here. Throw in The Boogieman so they can have his midget open a can of whoop ass on Steve-O's nuts and I just might like the idea.
Dan:Lastly, Patrick Conley serves up his thoughts;
The jackass Crew Involvement at Summerslam... Do I have to?
No, but i choose to.
First let me start off by saying that, maybe i've been reading one sided slash biased things, but, Steve-o seems to be handling this like a dick. First of all I'm sure he's getting paid to participate, and in doing this he is slash could be generating more interest in his Dr. Steve-o show, so he isnt exactly doing the e a favor. In the wrestling world, the less casual fans know about the fact that pro wrestling is made up of premeditated storylines, the best. As it makes for more intrigue and provides more surprises along the way, which people enjoy. So i wish this dude would just respect the business enough to uphold the rules. Or dont get involved. All im saying.
JACKASS AT SUMMERSLAM
Steve-o is walking around backstage with his "longtime friend" Jeff hardy (not Matt because hopefully he'll be busy with Edge during Summerslam). Jeff has a match against Umaga and Steve-o accompanies him to ringside. (Jeff needs some kind of revenge on Umaga and Steve-o does have history with him) Umaga punks out Steve-o and beats the piss out of Jeff while staring at Steve-o in an attempt to scare him. He is going for the spike while staring at Steve-o and jeff counters and hits a Twist of Fate followed by a Swanton for the W. Jeff and Steve-o Celebrate up the ramp.
following week, montage of Jeff out with the Jackass boys performing some stunts. He is getting ready to attepmt a stunt when Umaga runs in and destroys jeff. The jackass guys all jump in to help and dont accomplish much, but enough to ignite the monster inside Umaga and spark a feud.
interpromotional match on smackdown! pitting (get this!) The Hardys and Steve-o vs Edge and Umaga with a No DQ stipulation. Pontius, Danger Ehren, Dave England, and hopefully Bam, Dunn, and Knoxville do run ins to help Steve-o who hopefully is living up to his potential in my mind to take bumps. The JA crew will bump their asses off and eventually Steve-O will get pinned with a spike. (Has the potential to be a fun match i think)
Welcome back Armando Alejandro Estrada who introduces the man who destroyed the entire cast of JA, Umaga! Steve-o comes out and gives Umaga credit for pinning him but says he didn't kill Jackass just yet. JA comes from the audience and slip in the ring and actually hit some creative yet simple double teams. After a few seconds of Jackass offense, Umaga starts to gain some offense of his own and Jeff runs in. Jeff and JA seem to be taking out Umaga when Snitsky (dud i know but hear me out) and Cade and Murdoch come running out to help Umaga. Jackass and Jeff get destroyed by the heels in the middle of the ring and outside (i'm just assuming the jackass guys would bump really well).
Last Raw before Summerslam, Jeff will select a partner from Jackass and work a tag team match against a combonation of Cade, Murdoch, Umaga, and Snitsky. Jeff, of course, picks Steve-O and takes on the team of Snitsky and Umaga. Jeff works most of the match getting his ass beat. Hot tag to Snitsky and Steve-O. Steve looks scared as Snitsky backs him down. Not so hot after all. Pontius comes in and distracts the ref. Umaga chases Pontius and Steve-O kicks Snitsky in the dick. Jeff yells for him to hit the Twist of Fate. Steve hits it and Jeff with a Swanton. Steve-o pins and Jeff lays on top for the win (Now no one with any credibility takes the fall).
Summerslam pits Umaga, Snitsky, and Cade&Murdoch against Jeff Hardy, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, and a fourth member TBA (either Bam or Dunn or Knoxville or England or Danger Ehren) in an 8 man tag match. Hopefully with a No DQ or elimination or even Table elimination stipulation as it would make for a much better match. I'm going with Table elimination. Jeff introduces a ladder into the match. Pontius goes out first due to a double team by Cade&Murdoch. Next is the fourth of the JA and Jeff team by Snitsky. So its now a 4-on-2. Table set up, Snitsky with a monster clothesline on Jeff. He backs Steve-O into the corner and tries to look intimidating. Jeff gets on all fours and Steve-O busts out a crossbody on Snitsky who trips over Jeff and goes through a table. Bye Snitsky.
Cade&Murdoch both set up tables on the outside as Umaga chases Steve out of the ring and into the clutches of the awaiting C&M. They get ready to put him through when Umaga breaks it up. He wants Steve-O. C&M arent listening and Umaga trashes them. Couple of spikes and a meeting of the minds and coincidentally, C&M both lay down on the two tables on the outside. Umaga chases Steve-O and Jeff climbs the ladder inside the ring and delivers a huge swanton to the outside to eliminate C&M!
Current tally is 2-on-1. Jeff out on the outside and Umaga finally corners Steve-o. Butt thump in the corner followed by an attempted spike that gets broken up by Jeff. Jeff hits a twst of Fate and sets up a table. Steve-O helps jeff and they roll Umaga on the table but then Steve is out again. Jeff goes up for a swanton but Umaga gets up. Jeff quickly turns into a cross body but Umaga catches him and hoists him on his shoulders. BIG SAMOAN DROP through the table!
O is scared of Umaga. Table set up on the outside and Umaga presses O up and looks ready to toss him through it. Pontius and the fourth run out to stop him and Snitsky follows. brawl on the outside and bigboots to the JA supporters. snitsky rolls them onto a table. O, Umaga, and Snitsky in the ring. Snitsky and Umaga double presslam O to the outside onto the table top jackasses and through the table for the huge victory!
Well that's....something?
Dan: You're right, it's definitely something. Jeff Hardy's involvement with The Jackass is OK with me because he doesn't have a lot to do right now if as you say Matt Hardy will be feuding with Edge around Summerslam. Snitsky, Umaga and Cade and Murdoch being the heels is absolutely fine with me as well as they get a nice rub from being involved with these "celebrities." I'm actually OK with just about everything in this idea, other than Edge getting involved in the feud; that's just dumb – he's the World Heavyweight Champion dammit!
Rob: Wow. I'm just impressed you know all the names of the guys who eat pubic hair and vomit for a living. Jeff Hardy does work with the Jackass crew. Probably because he's a bit tosser as well. The problem with this angle is that the Jackass guys kinda have to win. If you bring you bring in a bunch of celebrities who can't wrestle, and the whole time everyone's saying "what are they doing? They can't wrestle!" and then they get their asses kicked by the real wrestlers…well then, duh. Point proven. What was the point in that? So the good-guy celebrities kinda havta win. Only, if they do it makes whoever loses look like a total bitch. And I don't care even if it is Snitsky, unless you've got the Superman effect (ala Cena) then it's just bad booking. But you have done the absolute best that can be done with this piss-poor idea that MTV and the WWE have dreamed up. So well done you.
Matt: Oh, this is all really great of course except for Edge being involved. I think the Jeff Hardy bit is fantastic as he's probably just as nuts as those jackasses.
Dan: And now for our ideas. I'd use the Jackass guys for a couple of separate feuds (I know, I'm crazy right?), the first being with Deuce and Domino and Cherry. Have Bam Margera and Ryan Dunn team up in a Tag Team Championship match on SmackDown, make it No DQ to give the Jackass guys a chance, but have them lose due to interference from Cherry. Then they can bring in Missy Margera (Bam's wife) to even up the odds and make an Intergender Six Person match for the Saturday Night's Main Event in August. At least this doesn't take up time on a pay-per-view. The Jackass Crew can pick up the win with Missy getting the cover on Cherry. Both are non-wrestlers so the Tag Champs won't lose too much credibility (not that they have much to lose).
The other angle I'd do would be with Steve-O, Weeman and J-Knox in ECW. Let them cut a promo saying that ECW is supposed to be Extreme yet they don't see anyone in ECW who does as much to their bodies in terms of self-mutilation as the Jackasses do. This brings out Tommy Dreamer. He dares them to take a canning like what Tommy took from the Sandman back in the day. Knoxville accepts and Tommy canes the shit out of him. J-Knox begs for more and Dreamer says maybe they are tougher than he thought. So he challenges Knoxville to a match right there on ECW. It's Extreme Rules and we even get to see the return of the cheese grater, which Tommy uses to bust Knoxville open. Dreamer barbed wire board and prepares to slam Knoxville onto it, but Steve-O gives him a low blow and, along with Pontius, delivers a double suplex onto the board. Knoxville crawls on top and gets the 3 count. The next week on ECW, Dreamer comes out and says he got screwed last week and now he wants his revenge. He challenges the 3 Jackass guys to a six man tag team match at Summerslam under Extreme Rules. Jackass come out and accept, but tonight they want Dreamer vs. Steve O.
In the main event of ECW, Dreamer beats Steve O after a DDT but the other Jackasses beat down Dreamer after the match. This brings out Balls Mahoney who clears the ring. Balls will be on Dreamer's team come Summerslam. The next week on ECW, the last show before Summerslam, Dreamer and Balls come out to the ring for a match against Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von of the New Breed when Steve-O, Pontius and J-Knox attack them from behind. They set Dreamer and Balls up on a table and Steve-O climbs to the top rope and delivers a splash putting both guys through the table!
At Summerslam, the third man is revealed to be Sandman from Raw. The match turns into a bloodbath and the ECW Original's just beating the crap out of the Jackass guys who refuse to quit. Eventually, after a brutal caning from Sandman, Pontius goes down and gets pinned for the 3. After the match, Dreamer and Balls offer their hands to the Jackasses. They shake and Steve-O looks for a shake from Sandman. Sandman looks appalled. Caning!
Rob: I don't know their names. But they call get tapped in the locker-room and never make it to the show. I do my happy dance.
Matt: Dan is a HUGE HUGE Jackass fan, can you tell? I sure am... not. I wish I could come up with a really good idea for them, but it's hard to book something that just overall blows from the get go. The no selling by Steve-O really pissed me off. In fact he didn't just no sell offense, he no sold his trust to the WWE and his own bullshit. For that, I say they unleash the four toughest S.O.B's in the WWE (I'm thinking Finlay, Regal, Haku (yes, bring him back just for this) and Arn Anderson and shoot on the bastards.
Dan: I wouldn't say HUGE fan, but I have a particular fondness for Bam as he introduced me to my favorite band of all time, which would be HIM. But I think my over-enthusiasm was well balanced out by you guys which is more than understandable. Anyway, that's it for this week. All that's left is to dish out the homework which is: Triple H is set to return to the ring this month. Book it.
Send your ideas to thefinkspayload@gmail.com and we'll see you back here next week!
