The Ripple Effect 7.13.07: The Christmas In July Awards (Part One)
Posted by Zac Calhoun on 07.13.2007
We're taking stock on the six months behind us as we celebrate everything that's been good so far in 2007, from rednecks to Brits to plain white trash!
For those of you waiting for that definitive pop song about going down on a girl, your wait is now over!
I picked up the new Maroon 5 album a week ago and listened to it on the way to the golf course yesterday. I was enjoying the hell out of the CD when track ten came on, oddly entitled "Kiwi." It sounded like just another fast-paced Maroon 5 song, and then I heard the first two lines of the chorus:
Sweet Kiwi,
You're juices dripping down my chin
All I could think as I drove down that Oklahoma highway was…say what now? Maroon 5's lyrics have always been a little on the raunchy side, but this one takes that to the extreme. Here are some of the other lyrics, just so we all can confirm the song's about…well you know:
So give it up, and don't pretend
And spread your arms and legs across the bed
And when you shake, you won't regret
The things I whisper in your ear
(What?) I said:
I can't wait to take you home
Fingers through your hair
Kisses on your thigh
Scratch me with your nails
Save me from myself
Show me how to care
Get everything out
Dripping everywhere
Lipstick smeared all over your face
How much longer must we wait?
Don't think that I can wait
Now, as a guy who won't say no to going south (the girlfriend LOVES it), I really got behind this song after the initial shock wore off. In my estimation, cunnilingus has undeservedly earned a bad reputation in American culture. Some of it has to do with the relative "messiness" of the vagina. Most of it has to do with the idea of the man servicing the woman. But these guys are paying tribute, good for them. Maybe they can do what Clerks II did for porchmonkey and "take it back."
Pimpin' Ho's Nationwide
Time to open up the mailbox and see what the readers think. First, we have Ringgo Alexander, who would win the RE's "best name" contest if it existed:
Hello, my name is Ringgo Alexander, and I am a regular reader at 411. I just read your latest Ripple Effect column, and i know you wrote that you dont want to talk about Chris Benoit again or even watch his matches more for a while, I just want to write to you to tell you that I appreciate your thoughts on it. As a young pro wrestling fan myself, it totally devastated my summer just reading and finding out about this, and i thought being dealing with my possible last finals in my junior college campus was bad enough..but yea, just want to write that, and those questions you posed about the tragedy got me thinking lots too, especially since i read in a CNN article online from my cell phone that the investigators did think Chris killed Daniel with a modified version of his finisher...at least from what i remembered reading that's what it said. It sucks if that's the case...OK. I dont want to make this long. Thanks again for writing great columns and being part of the awesome community that is 411 mania. Have a great day, Zac.
Since I'm not WCW, I won't take back a promise I made just one week ago. Therefore all I'll say is that if he used any variation of the Crossface, I think I'll throw up.
Thanks very much for the love for both my humble column and the 411 community in general. Every time I log on to this site, and see the vast array of coverage on so many facets of our culture, it makes me proud to be a part of it.
Thank you, Ringgo!
And then we have Misty Otey, who, being one of probably two female RE readers, probably enjoyed the intro:
I just had to drop a line and tell you i so agree with your girlfriends assessment of randy orton. as seen in the past the guy is a sexist racist pig and spoiled rotten by the industry. the guy is rude and i am completely convinced that his "character" is not that at all, but his true personality shinning threw. the guy is a jack ass.
I have lots of faith in guys like Shawn Michaels, Samoa Joe and the Undertaker. I have no faith in a guy like Randy Orton. After five years in WWE, Orton has proven himself to be remarkably average in every aspect of the game. His promos are rarely engaging, his body is more suited for basketball, and those fucking chinlocks! Add to all that the fact that he's apparently a cock backstage, and I'm left wondering how in the world he's kept his spot. He hasn't even passed all his drug tests, for God's sake.
However, I think his "date rapist frat boy" persona is the best way to capitalize on his personality. What do all the old guys say: the best characters are really extensions of the wrestler himself. Orton is an ass, and his character is becoming a more convincing ass everyday. So, more power to him. Also, fuck him.
Thanks for the response, and do keep reading!
The RE "Christmas In July" Awards
Almost seven months I've been doing this column, and I haven't done a single awards edition yet. What the hell is the matter with me? Over the past 26 or so weeks, wrestling fans have gone on one hell of a rollercoaster ride. When January started, we were gearing up for the road to WrestleMania, anticipating Angle/Joe III and bracing ourselves for Umaga in the main event (which didn't turn out to be so bad). We've seen a Royal Rumble that featured a showdown between two certifiable legends. We've seen Donald Trump sell the stunner as ugly as anyone's ever sold it before. And we've seen an absolutely unbelievable summer full of a few ups and way too many downs.
Therefore, because it's important to take stock on what's been accomplished thus far in 2007, and because people LOVE awards lists, I present the First Annual RE Christmas In July Awards. Before presenting the nominees, allow me to explain the thought process behind these awards:
--- The nominees (with exceptions that will become obvious when you see them) are WWE or TNA wrestlers. Please do not accuse me of ignoring the indies; I've seen my fair share of ROH matches, but I simply don't have the means to educate myself thoroughly on indy wrestling.
--- I've selected a pretty strong balance between selecting matches and wrestlers for their merit and selecting them for their importance. For example, I'm well aware that plenty of wrestlers out there are more capable in the ring than MVP. However, he entertains me and is currently experiencing a big increase in popularity and credibility. Therefore he'll get the nod over guys who have **** matches every night that don't affect the next day's operations.
--- I have Chris Benoit listed as a nominee in this column. If you for any reason have a problem with it I'd be glad to hear why, but I do stand behind it.
With that out of the way, let's get to the nominees! I've come up with twelve categories, mostly the basics but with some goodies thrown in to make sure we're having fun. Remember, you can get in on the action by dropping me an e-mail and letting me know who ya got in the Christmas In July awards!
Our first category is…
Tag Team of the Half-Year
Honorable Mention – LAX
London & Kendrick
Although 2006 was really the breakout year for the HooliganZ, they haven't slowed down too much in the first half of 2007. They held on to the WWE Tag Team Championship until an ill-fated episode of SD led to them losing to a team that has to be considered one of the worst to hold the nearly five-year-old belts. There does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel though; since coming to Raw, they've been booked like a very legitimate threat to the Rednecks. I definitely smell a run with WWE's other tag belts in their future.
The Hardys
If you had to point to one catalyst behind the recent Raw tag team resurgence, it would have to be the reunited Team Extreme. Matt and Jeff have an irresistible chemistry, even for a pair of brothers. When they won the belts the night after Mania, the Raw titles immediately became more prestigious, the fans became more interested in the division, the competitors became hungrier to challenge the new champs. If they could beat the Hardys, they'd be made. These two definitely deserve their spot here.
The World's Greatest Tag Team
When Charlie Haas showed up on Raw last year to reunite with Shelton Benjamin, I was very excited to see what this formerly great team could do after three years apart. Unfortunately they haven't been allowed to do much, but they've still established a spot for themselves on the Raw roster. When they get the chance to shine (like at One Night Stand), they rarely screw it up, and you always get the feeling they're just inches away from a title run. They possess a level of credibility teams like Cryme Tyme or the Higlanders just don't. That's what's kept them around for so long, and that what puts them on this list.
Team 3D
It took them a few years, but the former Dudleys have finally risen to the top of the TNA tag ranks. They've even managed to get themselves into the main event of their next PPV! So what if it took the organizational dismantling of nearly every over team in the company to get it done? The honest truth is that Ray and Devon are way past their prime. They stay together because no promoter wants to break them apart (we experienced the failed outcome of that experiment in 2002). But you've got to give them credit for now winning the ECW, WWE, WCW (kind of), NWA andTNA tag team titles. That's a lot of gold.
Cade & Murdoch
Out of the ashes of the Hardys reign over Raw, the Rednecks have risen and stayed on top. This is another one of those teams that work much better together than either of them would on their own. They stick to their gimmick (right down to their in-ring style), and everyone wants to see them get their asses kicked. Those are marks of a great heel tag team. I see endless amount of potential in their act and hope the bookers continue to appreciate what a find they have in these two badasses.
Non-Wrestling Personality of the Half-Year
Honorable Mention – Armando Estrada
Jonathon Coachman
Say what you will about the Coach, but no one can deny his stock has been raised since becoming the overseer of Raw. He was Mr. McMahon's number one lackey through all the Lashley/Trump nonsense, and has basically assumed control of Raw since all the death stuff started. I still think he could turn the heelish parts of his character on a little more, but Coach has stayed solid and always gets reactions. More power to him.
James Mitchell
With a face more devilish than Rob Zombie's and a flair for the dramatic, Mitchell has been one of the most consistently good performers in TNA since its beginning. He was the focal point of Abyss' feud with Sting at the beginning of the year, and he's set to return to TV with a new monster by his side. Clearly TNA doesn't want to lose the unique touch Mitchell can bring to a storyline, and more importantly to a wrestler's career.
Little Bastard
Like most of the guys on 411, I refuse to formally acknowledge LB as Hornswoggle in this column. But seriously, who would've ever thought that giving Finlay a midget to hang around with would yield positive results and get both of them over? If you've got a midget as committed to his role as Little Bastard, it becomes pretty easy. His appearance at WM drew arguably the biggest pop in MITB III, and his feud with Little Boogey providing some entertaining, if a little embarrassing, moments.
Konnan
His time in TNA may be come and gone, but his impact as the loud-mouthed manager for Homicide y Hernandez cannot be overstated. His words created the essence of LAX's character motivation and helped the fans connect to them on a deeper level than just "they're assholes." His accomplishments for 2007 definitely earn him a spot among this company.
Jim Cornette
It takes a lot of credibility to assert legitimate on-screen power over guys like Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, but Corny does it with the greatest of ease every Thursday night. The babyface authority figure has been done better before, but not very often and not with the class Corny brings with him. When he lays down the law the wrestlers may seem pissed, but they don't attempt to overthrow him. That's a sure sign of a strong character.
Feud of the Half-Year
Honorable Mention – Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle
John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
In the months leading up to Mania, I kept trying to brainstorm main events based on the current direction of the storylines. It seemed like I'd come up with every possible combination when fate intervened and took HHH's other quad out. At that point a Cena vs. HBK match became a very real possibility. When the Rumble came down to him and Taker, it became clear that Shawn was getting one more main event at the biggest show of the year. These two have terrific chemistry that came off in their matches. Their feud culminated in perhaps the best TV match in three or four years and further cemented the legacies of both men. Not bad for a backup plan.
Chris Benoit vs. MVP
This rivalry, which began simply because there was no one else to challenge for the US title, evolved into perhaps the hottest feud in WWE over the course of April and May. Their title match at Mania was one of the most pleasant surprises of the night, with MVP keeping up with Benoit rather well and looking like a big-time player. After that their matches just seemed to get better, with a great contest at Backlash and a nice long 2/3 match at ONS. Putting any and all personal thoughts about Benoit aside, this feud will end up having a hugely positive impact on MVP's career.
James Storm vs. Chris Harris
Very seldom in wrestling does the "tag partners collide" feud ever work out the way the bookers or the fans want it. Often, the breakup and subsequent matches show the fans just why they weren't singles wrestlers in the first place. Luckily this wasn't the case for the former members of America's Most Wanted. Through a series of violent encounters (hitting a head at Sacrifice), Harris and Storm have beaten each other into semi-main event status. They both have high profile matches scheduled for Victory Road, and they're both very over. That's a good feud.
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke
For the still-struggling ECW brand, having two young and athletic guys like Punk and Burke is a valuable Ace In the Hole. After Mania, when Lashley was essentially a Raw superstar with an ECW belt, these two held the show together. Every week the main event or semi-main would feature Punk or Burke advancing their rivalry in some way. The matches they had weren't spectacular or anything, but they let the fans know someone was thinking about ECW's future. Sometimes that isn't so obvious.
Christian Cage vs. Abyss
Something about this pairing just works for me. I don't know if its Christian's ability to play the chickenshit heel very well or if it's a deep appreciation of Abyss (likely a bit of both), but these men seem to do awesome work together. The three-way feud they had with Sting was very intriguing before Russo's boys convoluted it to hell. And when the Monster came out a few weeks ago as Cage's mystery partner, you could feel the preexisting hatred and fear through the screen. I can't wait for these two to lock it up again.
Announcer of the Half-Year
Honorable Mention – Jim Ross
Michael Cole
For whatever reason, Cole just hasn't been able to shake this stigma that's surrounded him ever since he first started doing play-by-play in 1999. People just can't get over the fact that he's not JR and will never be JR. Thank goodness he was put with JBL last year after Tazz' departure. Before his arrival, no one knew how could Michael could be or how relatively subpar Tazz was. His skills have been brought out more than ever in the past year I think, and he deserves his spot among the great announcers of today.
Mike Tenay
If there's one complaint about the TNA announcing team that stands the test of time, it's their tendency to not shut the hell up when there's a promo going on. But that's really more of a Don West issue than a knock on the Professor. In the days of WCW, you could tell which of their three announcers knew their shit, and without doubt it was Tenay. There is no play-by-play man in the business right now (save our next nominee) who can spout half the stuff Mike can. He hasn't been spectacular this year, but he's done enough to earn his spot among this company.
John Bradshaw Leyfield
He could be calling a world title match or a bikini contest, and you'd still think it was the most significant thing you'd ever seen. JBL works his ass off to put anything and everything that appears on SD over. In his first year as color man on Friday nights, he has broken a lot of the WWE conventions when it comes to announcing. He references past angles, he implies that cruiserweights could give the big guys a run for their money, and he always gives us the history behind each superstar. He even makes Michael Cole better at his job.
Indy Act of the Half-Year
Honorable Mention – Brent Albright
Nigel McGuinness
Takeshi Morishima
KENTA
The Briscoe Brothers
Mistico
Wrestler of the Half-Year (kayfabe)
Honorable Mention – Samoa Joe
Bobby Lashley
Most ICW writers can agree that Lashley is nothing too special in the ring. Even more people can agree can his promos are the very opposite of intimidating. But there's no disagreement about how solidly he's been pushed in 2007. He started the year with the ECW title around his waist and carried it through to May. He fought in one of the big three matches at Mania. He's recently been moved to Raw and has experienced a big increase in spotlight. He's set to make his first big challenge for the WWE title in just nine days. From my perspective, there's no one in WWE right now with more in-ring credibility than Lashley. He just needs to learn to wrestle…and talk.
The Undertaker
For the entire six months of this consideration period, no one has been more universally loved by the fans than Taker. He won the Royal Rumble, won his title match at Mania, won the big stunt-filled rematch a month later, and then went down to injury. The only PPV match Taker lost all year was the result of a Batista spinebuster. His WM match was the best on the card, and he has noticeably stepped up his game since finding out about this latest big push. He shined at almost every opportunity, and he's currently in one of the best spots of his career.
John Cena
Over the past two years, Cena's dominance over virtually everyone else in WWE has been apparent. In 2007, the company has made this truth official, putting Cena in every high profile position and trusting him more than any other superstar. Every time they're in a bind, they send Cena out to the ring (or to Larry King). In the Mania highlight packages, Cena's shots are always saved for last. It's very clear that John Cena is their guy, and I'm not the least bit upset by that.
Kurt Angle
Angle's matches in TNA, although good, haven't quite measured up his WWE standards. And it did take them almost a year to figure out if they wanted him to be the cutthroat assassin or the goofy wrestling genius. But no one can say he hasn't been their most heavily promoted star of 2007. He's won their world title (technically twice), he's set to main event Bound For Glory with Joe, and every time he walks into the ring TNA says a little "fuck you" to Vince. Angle has definitely maintained his power since debuting in the company in September.
Edge
When WM 23 rolled around, it seemed like Edge was getting the short end of the stick. He was left out of the main events and had to settle for a kickass injury spot in MITB. Fortunately his standing has risen back where it should be, with a pinfall over Taker and a whopping THREE successful world title defenses against Batista. JBL touts his as the best ever on SD, and with the number of great matches he's had it's not that hard to imagine that statement as true. The Rated R Superstar has how made a legitimate, Cena-less, HHH-less mark, and seemingly no one can stop him.
Next week, we'll cover six more categories, including but not exclusive to…
PPV of the Half-Year
Match of the Half-Year
The "RE Award" (you're curious I know)
Boner of the Half-Year
And of course, I want you guys to get involved! Let me know who you think deserves to take the top spot in each of the six categories. If I get enough responses, I'll post your winners alongside mine next week. Please take advantage of the wonders of democracy and cast your votes!
My Peeps
Be sure to check out the whole kit and kabootle of columns here at 411 Wrestling. These are the guys who made me want to do this, and I know their words ring true to you guys too.
