The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 07.19.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 07.19.2007
Am I the Only One Happy with the New Smackdown Champion?
Welcome back to another edition of the Thursday Small-For-All News Report. I'm your host, Jeff Small, and at least according to many of you, the least educated 411 Scholar on the block. For the record, I know who Bob Backlund is and that his finisher is the Crossface Chicken Wing (in fact, I've seen him wrestle!). But that still didn't stop me from making a correlation with the possibly delicious item on JR's menu. Hey, if the media likes to overreact so can I (c'mon guys, I said it should be eaten with tap water). Don't worry, from now on I'll leave the humor to Bayani.
We have a SUPA-SIZED edition of the Small-For-All today so please go grab a snack and put on your business socks because it's BUSINESS TIME .
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
At Least This Year, There's No Kidney Problems
We should have all seen this coming. The signs were definitely there. Since the inception of the WWE version of the Great American Bash, nothing good ever comes out of it. Hell, I think we can go as far as to say the PPV is cursed. Don't believe me, let's take a look at the cold, hard facts!
The debut of the Great American Bash: WWE Version took place in 2004 and is remembered for two main reasons: JBL's rise to the top and how awful the event was. While not cursed (as in years later), it was still an eye sore to watch. When half of the show is filled with squash matches (involving Kenzo Suzuki, Mordecai, and Luther Reigns) and a main event involving the Dudley Boyz in a handicap match, then you have a real recipe for disaster.
The 2005 version with its truly bizarre booking can only be blamed on terrorism. Seriously. For those of you who do not remember, Muhammed Hassan was scheduled to face the Undertaker in a #1 contender's match which would have led to Hassan challenging Batista at Summerslam (in Washington, DC). However, this development did not come to light thanks to a terrorist attack on a London train station. The same day of the attacks a taped Smackdown aired which featured Hassan bringing out men in ski masks and camo gear to attack the Undertaker. UPN was aghast at the incident (which clearly wasn't the WWE's fault – well, it's bad taste regardless, but still) and banned the Hassan character from their network. Since Hassan would not have been able to chase Batista in weeks leading up to the ‘Slam, the WWE effectively killed off the character at the Bash which also led to some awful booking changes. In order to give Batista an opponent at Summerslam, JBL defeated Batista by DQ in the main event. On the undercard, in truly shocking manner, Orlando Jordan pinned Chris Benoit cleanly!
Last year's edition of the GAB was truly hampered by WELLNESS~. Way before the wellness plan started getting lackadaisical, the WWE actually had a solid system in tact. That was until the Bash. A few days before the Bash (and after the last Smackdown taping), the WWE received its testing results for the Smackdown roster. Three superstars (Lashley, the Great Khali, and Super Crazy) failed the wellness test thanks to elevated liver enzyme levers which led to the WWE scrambling to change its card. Throw in the fact that Mark Henry was sidelined a week prior to this with a knee injury and HALF the card was changed the week of the PPV. However, something good did happen at the Bash: the beginning of Matt Hardy's yearlong push. While he lost at the GAB to Gregory Helms, his four months (and counting) feud with Helms gave him a weekly direction and momentum that he's still building upon to this day.
So why did I bring up all these bad memories from the past? Well we can add the 2007 version of the Bash to this cursed list. With only one taping to go before the show, Edge, the show's World Champion, has gotten injured and was forced to vacate the title. And who's now going to represent the once prestigious World title? Why, this man:
Yes, that's right. The Great Fucking Khali in your new Smackdown champion. And to everyone (including myself) that has loved the true "wrestling" show for this past year, Vince just gave us a FU (which I will talk about later). But you know, I'm okay with the Great Khali winning the title in a Battle Royal. Kayfabe or not, odds are a 7 foot giant should win a battle royal. That and winning a battle royal for the title really isn't significant in the long run. While some of us would have liked to have seen Matt Hardy (or even Rey Mysterio) win the title this week, I would rather wait to see these superstars win it in a meaningful match. So I guess, kudos to the WWE for not blowing a potential special moment.
As for Edge, according to 411, "[Edge] will require surgery to repair the torn pectoral muscle he suffered at last week's Smackdown tapings. As of right now, with surgery and recovery, Edge is slated to be out for 4-months."
The loss of Edge to the Smackdown roster is just another crippling blow to the brand. The upcoming Edge/Rey Mysterio feud (originally confirmed for the GAB) would have brought real attention to the brand and possibly even a chance to headline a PPV for once. Now, Edge has gone the wayside of the Undertaker: he must sit on the sidelines and await his chance to return to the top – only who knows how that will look come November.
Don't you know that you're toxicology
The Benoit toxicology reports were revealed on Tuesday and like most people expected, nothing was found as a possible motive as to why Benoit committed such a heinous act. What was found was:
an elevated level of testosterone (already known thanks to the raid on Dr. Astin)
no other steroids were found in Benoit (the WWE must have sacrificed Edge here to the Gods)
Benoit was also on Xanax (as stated previously by the evil Doctor)
Daniel and Nancy were both given Xanax (as possible sediation)
there is no evidence that Daniel had/not had Fragile X syndrome
It's unfortunate that the headline from ESPN.com minutes after the toxicology results stated that "Steroids Found in Pro Wrestler Benoit" when really it was only an elevated level of testosterone. Yes, that's a steroid, but in actuality, the headline looks very misleading. Of course, now the WWE (as evidenced in later interviews with their head laywer and Dr. Black, the man in charge of the Wellness Program) can refute the "steroids issue" even though they have a lot of work that needs to be done for the future. While things are not nearly as messy as they were three weeks ago, don't expect the media versus the WWE to slow down anytime soon.
The Latest Item on JR's Menu: Da Pounce Potato Skins
From the Serengeti, "Marcus Cor Von is not at the Smackdown/ECW taping and because of that, WWE has been forced to cancel the scheduled Cor Von vs. CM Punk ECW match for tonight. No word yet on why Cor Von is not at the taping."
Surprisingly, there has not been any word as to why Cor Von missed the ECW taping. Last night, he was replaced by Elijah Burke in match #14 of the Punk/Burke series. I would assume Cor Von's status in the WWE is on shaky ground if there was not good reason for his absence. While I would not be surprised if Cor Von is unhappy with his role in the WWE, no-showing is not a way to make a case for a push. Hell, Cor Von got to wrestle at Wrestlemania which should be an accomplishment all to itself.
I wonder if Chavo Guerrero was sent any text messages… (oh come on, there are plenty more inappropriate things to say).
You Wouldn't Like It When Vince is Angry
From the Figure 4 Newsletter, "The Raw rating was a bigger cause of stress for Vince on Tuesday than Benoit's toxicology report. He's very much on edge, particularly since sources say Bonnie Hammer is putting a tremendous amount of pressure on him to get the ratings up.
There is strong talk that USA wants Raw to move to three hours permanently in the fall. WWE is very much against it, citing the burnout factor, but it's unlikely they'd be able (or willing) to turn it down. Vince, despite being the main guy in charge of every storyline, is blaming everyone but himself, and the feeling is that if things don't turn around soon there will be a major shake-up and the only ones safe will be Stephanie, Kevin Dunn and perhaps John Lauranitis."
In the days, when TNA is resorting to fellatio to try to get a second hour and wrestling is seven years removed from its mainstream heyday, it's very amusing to see a network actually request another hour of sports entertainment. Ratings for Raw were down 0.3 this past week (and the show itself was down from the week prior) and ECW has also bottomed out. While there might be correlation that some fans did stop watching WWE's programming since the Benoit tragedy, I think we can all say that this is Triple H's fault. Since the airing of his return video, Raw's ratings have been down. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
In other news,
According to the Wrestling Observer, "Because of Sandman's unusual gimmick, WWE is likely to give him an undercard push due to Vince McMahon's interest in the character."
Well we now know who the new ratings savior will be! By the way, isn't it funny that after Raw raided Smackdown to beef their roster, the ratings have been down? Maybe the two brands do have varied audiences!
Speaking of the blue brand (once again)…
We Really Don't Like it When Vince Gets Angry
According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, "WWE no longer views SmackDown! as the "wrestling" show and wants it booked more in accordance with the RAW template.
WWE officials point to the shakeups caused by the draft, which included Paul London, Brian Kendrick, King Booker, Mr. Kennedy and Chris Benoit leaving the show, as evidence that the brand no longer has the depth to run shows "the old way."
Vince McMahon personally changed a great deal of the most recent SmackDown! to reflect the new philosophy."
Sadly, this "new philosophy" was evident last week. Outside of Matt Hardy (who's becoming the show's MVP), the particular match-ups have not been quite appealing (a Chuck Palumbo squash, Chris Masters matches). As always, the IWC just needs to be patient and wait until after Summerslam, when Vince will forget about Smackdown once again.
Quick N Dirty News
From the Observer,
Santino Morella's push is coming to an end as Vince has lost confidence with the character
Arrivederci!
Dusty Rhodes is expected to sign a legends contract giving him a total of three payches: talent, creative, and legend.
BALLIN'
Mexico is a high interest of the next WWE developmental territory
But I thought Vince didn't like the Juniors division!
At the July 2nd TV tapings, Vince told the talent that everyone needs to get off any illegal drugs if they were using them.
And this time he means it!
The newest WWE video game has removed all references of Chris Benoit
At least THQ won't make the mistake of using Benoit in a storyline involving a casket match like they did after Eddie Guerrero died
Bam Margera and Ryan Dunn won't be participating in the Summerslam Jackass angle
After the Chris Benoit tragedy, all Jackass talk has really died down. I wouldn't even be surprised if the WWE decides to cancel these plans as we are only five weeks away from the ‘Slam.
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Leave it to CSONKA to make a NAS reference
According to PWInsider, "TNA is set to make their New York State debut on September 3rd as a part of the New York State Fair at the Coca-Cola Coliseum in Syracuse, New York. They will be running a matinee house show that day."
Of course, upstate NY is nothing like the city but I guess we can call this a victory for TNA. The big news will be when TNA books a show in Manhattan (if ROH can do it, so could they). Hell, it's not like the WWE has used MSG in the longest time.
Chi-town, Chi-town, We Ain't Gon Get Down
According to 411, "TNA is now listing the location of their 10/14 Bound for Glory PPV as "to be determined." The PPV was scheduled to take place in the Chicago area but there was apparently a decision made last week to not hold the show there."
Location, location, location. Really, as long as TNA holds Bound for Glory outside of Orlando it's a win/win. Why they aren't going to Chicago might have something to do with the overly smarky crowd or perhaps the pizza. It's really not that good, people.
And that's about all I have for TNA this week. Surprisingly, it's a slow post-PPV week. I guess we are too early for Hard Justice build just yet. By the way, did I not say that Victory Road was going to be a good show? I'm so awesome kids, don't forget it.
MISC. NEWZ
Former Eliminator Found Dead
From the main page, "Former ECW star John Kronus was found dead in his girlfriend's apartment today. No other details are available at this point."
Add another one to Marc Mero's list. Seriously though, I (along with 411) would like to send their condolences to the family of John Kronus and also to Perry Saturn. Here's a man that has lost two of his tag team partners/friends in the past month. Actually, I'm shocked we haven't heard anything from him in such a long time.
Another Piece of Junk to Add to Your Collection
From the main page, "Big Vision Entertainment has announced that they will release a 4 DVD set entitled "Wrestling Society X: The First (and Last) Season" in November of 2007. The DVD set will include all 10-made for TV episodes, including the 10th episode which never made US TV. Also included will be all of the episodes of the WSXtra Internet only show as well as never before seen promos."
Pass. How they will be able to stretch a 10 episode show into 4 discs is beyond me. Then again, DX just had a 3 disc release that revolved around nothing.
OOOOHHHHHHHHH YYYEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
From the main page, "It appears that Randy Savage will be one of the cast members on for next season's Surreal Life on VH1. Other cast members include Dabney Coleman, Miss Cleo, Carrot Top, Phil Hellmuth, and Nikki McKibbin. VH1 has yet to confirm the cast but many celebrity gossip sites are reporting the above names."
Savage, Miss Cleo, a couple of hot pieces of ass… I'm so fucking there. Of course, I already love Vh1's shitty reality shows. By the way, if someone from Viacom is reading this and would like to send me free Vh1 reality show trailers, I would totally promote your product! Seriously, I loved Charm School!
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH SIMULATION!!!
And look here, the lackey is back. Take it away Wilcox!
I know you've been waiting for this for a long time, but it's finally back – the SmackDown vs. Raw Simulator! I missed a couple of shows for various reasons (Fall Out Boy concerts!) and it seems like forever since I last did one of these (yes it has) but we're
back with The Great American Bash, a show headlined by the "much anticipated" first encounter between John Cena and Bobby Lashley for the WWE Championship. So with out further ado let's take you to the show;
WWE SmackDown vs. Raw 2007 presents WWE The Great American Bash
2007
United States Championship Match – Montel Vontavious Porter (c) vs. Matt
Hardy
Elbow tie-up. Hardy goes behind for a waist lock and takes MVP down and rides him (gay) in the early going. Both men back to their feet and they face off. Hardy circles and goes in for an lock up again but this time it's Porter who gets the better of the exchange as he grabs the wrist of Hardy and twists the arm over his head. Porter swiftly moves into a hammerlock that Hardy attempts to reverse out of but MVP grabs the head of Hardy and holds on a side headlock. MVP wrenches the head putting pressure on the neck before releasing the hold leaving Hardy groggy. The champ follows up with a clothesline that levels Hardy. MVP takes some time out to taunt his challenger. MVP now goes to a leg, isolating the knee and driving his own into the joint of Matt. And again. MVP pulls Matt to his feet by the hair and applies a front facelock, only for Hardy to reverse it with an arm wrench/hammerlock combination. Matt relinquishes the hold so he can hoist Porter up and drop him on the back of his head for a side suplex. Hardy now drops a leg across the chest of the challenger and quickly goes for a cover but the referee only counts 1. Hardy now tries to pull the champion up but MVP takes Matt's legs out from under him dropping Matt on his back. MVP gets in a mount position and starts delivering right hands to the face of the older Hardy brother. MVP now stomps away at the face and head of Hardy but when he goes for an elbow drop, Hardy quickly rolls out of the way. Both men back to their feet now and Hardy slugs away, connecting with stinging right hands. Hardy misses with one but turns 360 and his MVP coming back around. MVP goes down but Hardy wastes little time going back on the attack, bringing MVP back up and Irish whipping the champ into a corner. Hardy charges in but MVP gets a boot up and into the face of the overzealous Hardy. MVP charges out of the corner and plants hardy face-first with a bulldog. Porter goes for a pin and gets a 2 count off the move. Hardy up but eats a kick to the gut from the champ, who forcefully whips Hardy over the top rope and to the floor!
The referee begins counting the challenger out but he begins to get to his feet fairly quickly. Porter meanwhile, ascends the top turnbuckle and leaps off connecting with a MISSILE DROPKICK TO THE FLOOR! Hardy is down and in a bad way but MVP goes back in. The referee gets to a count of 8 before Hardy is up. Matt slides in but then quickly bails to the floor again. MVP follows and connects with a right hand that levels Hardy. Porter pulls Hardy up but gets surprised by a SIDE EFFECT out of nowhere! Matt stomps away on the floor before picking MVP up and rolling him back into the ring. Hardy to the top now but MVP is up too and dropkicks Hardy's legs out from under him causing the challenger to crash and burn! MVP plants his knee in the back of Hardy now and stretches Hardy's arms to the side but Matt is still too near the ropes and the referee forces MVP to break the hold after a count of 4. MVP scoops Matt up but Hardy drops out and connects with a back suplex dropping MVP on the back of his head. Hardy in control and drops MVP again with a sickening DDT. Hardy goes for the pin and the title but MVP kicks out at the last second. MVP up, attempts a right hand but the challenger blocks it. Kick to the gut by Matt Hardy, hooks the head, TWIST OF FATE CONNECTS! Hardy immediately goes for the cover and gets the 3 count @ 8:03!
Winner: And NEW US Champion, Matt Hardy!
Match Analysis: Really fun match to kick off the show. OK so there wasn't a whole lot of psychology or any of that claptrap (vagina), but there was a lot of action here and they both hit some big moves in the right places. The finish of the match which is usually the most important part of these Simulations was a little one-sided be at the same time carried enough drama to seem realistic. Overall, a really fun, fast-paced match up. **¾
SvR Prediction: Matt Hardy
My Prediction: Porter retains
ECW World Championship Match - Johnny Nitro John Morrison (c) vs. CM Punk
Worst name change ever, but that's another story for another time (read it in my next column: I'm the UK CSONKA dammit!). I'm still calling him Nitro for now because that what I'm used to and that's what he still looks like on this game. They skip the wrestling to start as Punk throws a right hand that knocks Nitro off his feet, though he quickly recovers and charges at Punk who foresees this and drop toeholds his rival, bouncing his face off the mat in the process. Punk goes to the mat and applies a grounded side headlock and then wrenching back putting torque on the neck and chest area of the champion. He releases the hold and drops an
elbow on the lower back of the champ. Punk pulls Nitro up and takes him over with a snapmare takedown leaving Nitro in a seated position. This is a perfect set up for Punk to run the ropes and deliver a low dropkick to the face of Nitro. Punk grabs Nitro by the head again but this time Nitro has whatever Punk had planned scouted and nails a well-placed thumb to the eye. Punk is temporarily blinded which allows for Nitro to get a quick schoolboy for a 2 count. Both guys get back to their feet at about the same time but it's Punk who capitalizes, ducking a clothesline and hooking the arms to score a backslide pin attempt for 2. Punk now goes to his favoured striking ring style and blasts Nitro with a couple of knees to the forehead. Punk climbs to the top rope and waits for Nitro to get up and when he does so, Punk flies off and hits a perfect crossbody into an immediate pin cover that gets another 2. Nitro recovers quickly and buries a knee in the abdomen of Punk and follows up with a European uppercut. Nitro gets cocky though, and charges at Punk only for the straightedge superstar to lower his head and use Nitro's own momentum against him, backdropping Nitro over the top rope and to the floor.
Punk takes the opportunity to go air born and runs off one rope before diving through the opposite top and middle rope, sending all his body weight towards Nitro on the floor. Punk doesn't get much of it but it's enough to take Nitro down. Punk tears off the cover and monitors on the announce table and has evil intentions~! He climbs on the table and Nitro doesn't take long to follow. Roundhouse kick by Punk drops Nitro to his knees. Front facelock now by Punk, throws the arm over the shoulder, hoists Nitro up and drops him, suplexing him through the announce table! Both men stay down for a while but Punk is up first. His ribs appear to be hurting as he clutches them before rolling into the ring at the count of 8. Nitro is in danger of being counted out. He's up at 9 and JUST MAKES IT back into the ring! Punk goes right back on the attack with a heel kick knocking Nitro to the mat. Punk goes back to Nitro who surprises Punk with an inside cradle which gets a shock 3 count @ 4:33!
Winner: And STILL ECW Champion, Johnny Nitro
Match Analysis: Ugly, ugly finish ruins what was a fine little match. It's not that the roll-up was so bad, just the way it went down – far too early to mean anything. That being said it was an entertaining contest until that point so they deserve some credit for that. *
SvR Prediction: Nitro
My Prediction: Nitro takes it
Intercontinental Championship Match – Umaga (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
Umaga's not the one to lock up at the beginning of a match and he goes right on the attack here, with fist of furry thrashing, but Hardy is out of his reach. Jeff goes low and takes Umaga's leg out allowing him to smother Umaga and fire off with right hands. Umaga is quickly up but misses a clothesline. Jeff reaches back and delivers a neckbreaker to the champion. Hardy with a standing senton but there is little connection. Umaga up and hits a beautiful spinning heel kick on a charging Hardy! Umaga takes over now and dominates. He drags Hardy to the edge of the ring, hoists him up and dropshim with one leg each side of the top rope. Umaga shakes the rope causing Hardy much pain but Umaga quickly tires himself out doing this. Hardy goes back on the offensive and hits a charging swinging neckbreaker followed up by a takedown as Umaga quickly gets back to his feet. Jeff goes for the cover and gets a 2 count but Umaga doesn't take long to recover and get up again. Jeff runs into a hip toss by Umaga but when Jeff gets to his feet,the Samoan Bulldozer throws him into the air and lets him drop to the canvas while bringing all his own weight down on the sternum of Jeff! Umaga goes for a pin and gets a long 2 count.
Jeff kicks Umaga off and charges but gets caught in a scrapbuster (Boss man slam) and an immediate cover for 2. Umaga tosses Hardy into a corner and charges, splashing his massive mass into Hardy's body (gay). Hardy drops down in the corner and Umaga walks to the other side of the ring. Umaga charges – BUTTALANCHE! Umaga pulls Jeff up and he is groggy. Umaga calls for the Samoan Spike but it is blocked – INVERTED TWIST OF FATE! Jeff goes for the cover… one…two…thr-NO! Umaga POWERS out! Hardy wails away with two rights to the head of Umaga, shoots off the ropes but gets caught and taken over in a snap powerslam by the big behemoth. Umaga now sensing victory slowly makes his way to the top rope. He flies off, looking for a splash, but Hardy gets both knees up to protect himself! Both men struggle to their feet but hardy strikes first with a jawbreaker! Jeff to the top rope. SWANTON BOMB MISSES! Umaga rolled out of the way. Jeff recovers quickly but runs into a short kick by Umaga. SAMOAN SPIKE CONNECTS! One…two…three! Umaga retains @ 6:12!
Winner: And STILL Intercontinental Champion, Umaga
Match Analysis: For six minutes that was a great match packed with action. Both guys got in a lot of offence and I thought Hardy might win it on a few occasions despite significantly worse stats than his bigger foe. The match also had a fun finish tacked on the end so it gets credit for that. I'd give it a higher rating if they had kept going like that for another 5 minutes. ***
SvR Prediction: Umaga
My Prediction: Umaga
Dusty Rhodes vs. Randy Orton
There's really nothing like a Texas Bullrope Match on the game so we shall just stick to No Disqualification. It should be noted that Dusty's stats are edited to reflect the current point in his career. They circle early on before locking up in an elbow tie-up. Orton gets the better of it and uses his obvious speed advantage to surprise Dusty with a European uppercut to the jaw that knocks Rhodes on his ass. Orton stays aggressive and starts kicking Dusty while he's down, not letting up until Rhodes rolls out of the way and out of the ring. Orton follows to the floor where he continues to fire off with right hands but Rhodes gathers his composure and fights back with sting jabs. Flip, flop and fly! Ball game! Orton goes down, quickly gets to his feet again and walks right into a scoop slam on the floor. Dusty, feeling frisky perhaps, climbs onto the guard rail. Dusty loses his mind and leaps off and drives his elbow into the heart of the Legend Killer! Orton squirms in pain while Dusty looks under the ring for some weaponry and comes out with a steel chair. Orton is up though and wrestles the chair out of Dusty's grasp. CHAIR SHOT! Dusty goes down and the chair is bent out of shape. Orton now tosses Rhodes into the guardrail and starts bludgeoning him with right hand after right hand. He pulls him up and promptly whips him into the solid steel ring post doing more damage to the head of Rhodes.
Orton doesn't let up though and bounces Rhodes' head off the post one more time before rolling him back into the ring.
Orton picks up the chair and takes it into the ring but tries to get a cover off a fallen Dusty first, though The Dream kicks out at 2. Orton has the chair now. He lets Rhodes get to his feet before charging at him, only to have it snatched from his grasp. Rhodes takes the chair, drops it, boots Orton in the gut and delivers a DDT ONTO THE CHAIR! Orton's head is now hurting badly. Dusty rolls on top and get a long 2 count from referee Mike Chioda. Dusty pulls Orton to his feet and whips him into the corner but charges into a back elbow from the Legend Killer. RKO OUT OF NOWHERE! Cover,one…two…three! Orton takes the match @ 7:49!
Winner: Randy Orton
Match Analysis: Disappointing in that I thought this match had more legs but I suppose you could say that the amount of damage Orton did to Dusty's head on the floor paid off which is good psychology if you want to look at it like that. The No DQ aspect was used well although not to the maximum, but
it was still a fairly brutal match for a game and there wasn't too much stalling which is always nice. **
SvR Prediction: Randy Orton
My Prediction: Randy Orton
World Heavyweight Championship Match: The Great Khali (c) vs. Kane vs.
Batista
1,000 of crap in a wrestling ring. Just the fact that this is happening makes me cry a little inside. I love Khali. Anyway, the new champion and Kane go after Batista early but The Animal fends off Kane with a shoulder block but he can't avoid the big boot of Khali which knocks Batista on his ass. Kane is already back up and delivers a thunderous uppercut to Khali that only staggers him. Kane SCOOP SLAMS KHALI causing the ring to LITERALLY shake. Well, almost literally. Kane follows up with a leg drop across the throat but before he can do more damage Batista is back and he hits Kane with a side suplex. Khali up and now goes after Batista, delivering a clubbing blow to the back of the head. He tosses The Animal into the corner and uses his massive leg to choke Batista (I'm so hot right now). Much more impressive then when Stacy Keibler did it. Batista staggers out of the corner and into a PRESS SLAM BY KHALI! The champ drops Batista and turns his attention to Kane but gets caught by surprise as Kane hits a big boot of his own. Kane now has Batista. He lifts him onto his shoulder, possibly looking for a powerslam but Batista rolls out the back door. Kane turns around and Batista catches him with a powerful SPEAR! Batista gets caught by Khali who wraps his hand around the throat of The Animal. Khali lifts him up and plants him with a devastating chokeslam. Khali goes for the first cover of the match but Kane breaks it up after a one count with a double axe handle to the back of Khali. Kane goes to the top rope, leaps off and connects with a FLYING CLOTHESLINE ON KHALI!
SPINEBUSTER BY BATISTA ON KANE! One…two…thr-NO! Kane kicked out.
Khali is up now and goes after Batista but gets taken down by a drop toehold. Major LOLZ. Batista scoops Khali up and slams him. He throws him into the corner and buries three elbows into the massive gut of the champion. By now Kane is up. He goes to the top again but this time his attempt at a clothesline is pitiful. He recovers from his humiliation in time to get caught by a shoulder block by Batista. Powerslam by The Animal.
Khali boots Batista in the back of the head dropping him to his knees. Kane capitalizes and delivers a CHOKESLAM TO KHALI! One…two…thr-NO! Batista had the wherewithal to break up the cover. He hits the BATISTA BOMB ON KANE out of nowhere but Kane manages to get a shoulder up at 2! Batista, stunned, pulls Kane up, but the Big Red Machine counters and scoops Batista onto his shoulder… TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! Kane turns around and gets caught by Khali. CHOP OF DOOM! One…two…three! It's all over @ 9:14!
Winner: And STILL World Champion, The Great Khali
Match Analysis: Holy shit, that didn't suck. Not that it was great, it just didn't suck. As a matter of fact it was total non-stop action and quite fun to watch. Lots of power moves in quick succession is rather entertaining when done in a virtual form. **½
SvR Prediction: Khali
My Prediction: PLEASE PLEASE KHALI!
WWE Championship Match – John Cena (c) vs. Bobby Lashley
They face off early and circle each other. Maximum stalling here before they eventually lock up and Cena comes out on top in that exchange as he takes Lashley down with a waist lock takedown. Cena SLAPS THE BACK OF LASHLEY'S HEAD! I love it. Lashley up and two-hand thrusts Cena down before following up with two short arm clotheslines, both of which Cena recovers from very quickly and gets right back up to his feet. Cena with a kick to the gut before Lashley can do anything else. Fisherman suplex with bridge by Cena. The quick cover takes Lashley by surprise almost, and it gets a long 2 count. Cena fires off with a couple of right hands before charging overzealously into a hip lock takeover. Lashley scoops Cena up and tosses him over his head in a fallaway slam. Lashley now grabs a breahug on Cena on the floor and throws in a couple of knees to the side of the ribs of the champion for good measure. Cena is close to the ropes though and we get a clean break. Cena wastes no time going back at Lashley now, taking down the ambitious challenger with a stiff clothesline. Lashley wildly swings and misses a clothesline of his own, allowing Cena to lift him up in a spin-out back suplex! The champ is feeling it fairly early on here as he goes for the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. YOU CAN'T SEE ME! Brushes off the shoulder, drops the fist and it connects!
Cena is flying here and appears to be setting up for the FU early. Lashley pulls himself to his feet and turns into Cena who hoists Lashley onto his shoulders… FU CONNECTS! Cena doesn't go for a pin yet though, instead he goes to the top rope and comes off with a splash, only for Lashley to get both knees up causing the champion to crash and burn. Lashley is up quickly and moves to a corner, stalking his prey. Cena is up, turns around, SPEAR CONNECTS! Into a cover, one…two…thr-NO! The champ is still here for now. Lashley goes back on attack, taking Cena into the corner. He lifts him onto the top turnbuckle and follows him up. SUPERPLEX CONNECTS! Both guys are down but it's Lashley who manages to make the cover, though it only gets a 2 count. Lashley pulls Cena back to his feet but gets surprised by a DDT out of nowhere. STFU! STFU! In the middle of the ring. Lashley is this *> <* close to tapping but eventually Cena let's go of the hold. He's goes right back to it! STFU AGAIN! NOWHERE NEAR THE ROPES! Lashley taps! Lashley gives it up @ 5:11!
Winner: And STILL WWE Champion, John Cena
Match Analysis: Owned. Apart from the brief moment where Lashley hit the spear and was in control, this was a glorified squash. Cena took it to Lashley here and because of that I was mildly entertained. *½
SvR Prediction: Cena
My Prediction: On a coin flip, Lashley
Overall Analysis: This show turned out very mediocre. For a SvR simulation it was by no means bad, it just wasn't very good either (I'm a WWE apologist what can I say). Most of the matches had decent potential but were finished before they really got started, the main event being an example of this. Two really exciting mid-card matches could not save this pay-per-view and make it memorable and I fear that we will be in for the same come Sunday. 4.5/10
Thanks lackey! Stay tuned to 411 for the most recent coverage heading into the show and also for Live Coverage Sunday night!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Well thanks for sticking with the longest Small-For-All of all time. Next week, I'll make it up to you by half-assing it. That's if I make it past the Great American Bash.
Until then…
Marsico's in tomorrow!
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!
