You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 7.26.07: Smackdown

You’re all in big, big trouble for not showing up last week! Not one of you had the common courtesy to turn up for our weekly meeting to make fun of fat guys in tiny, tiny trunks. What’s that you say? It was me who missed the deadline last week? Oh…well then…never mind.

Now I know many of you tuned in this week to see me tear The Great Khali a new one. But it won’t be happening. Khali is by no means my favourite wrestler, but Khali as champion makes sense for the following reasons.

1. It was an over-the-top battle royal, and every single time we have one of those, everyone makes a big deal about Kane or the Big Show or whoever being the odds-on favourite because of their size. Which is correct. It makes ‘Legit-Sense’ (copyright Rob Halden 2007) for one of those guys to win. Yet how many times has one of those guys actually won a battle royal? Freakin’ zilch.
2. The Great Khali has been booked extremely strong ever since he debuted, he’s only lost something like two-times and both of those were to Captain Cena.
3. Khali needed to regain his heat quick sharp after taking said loses to Cena in order to keep him from looking like a bitch.
4. There is no four, chowder-head. What part of huge-unbeatable-monster-winning-a-battle-royal-for-a-vacated-title did you not understand?

Anyway, on with…

This Week’s Idiot: Smackdown

Smackdown has always been treated as the red-headed step-child of the WWE. But it was never more apparent than when the recent injury of Edge caused everyone to look across the list of prospective main eventers…and cry like a little freakin’ girl.

When the Brand Extension began in 2002, Vince McMahon did the sensible thing. Smackdown had neither the ratings nor the established profile of Raw, and so Vince put himself at the helm of the new brand and drafted a slew of talent including The Rock, Chris Jericho, Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle. Raw drew the fuzzy-end of the lolly-pop that first-time around, claiming only Brock Lesner, Undertaker and the nWo to their roster. This made sense as Raw had the higher ratings and the brilliant time-slot on Monday nights, the dedicated sports/wrestling evening of the week. Not the mention the fact that whilst Raw got stuck with the Women’s Championship, Smackdown had exclusive rights to the Cruiserweight division.

For a while Smackdown owned Raw like Siegfried owns Roy. Paul Heyman was head of creative duties, Brock Lesnar was the WWE Champion and the ‘Smackdown Six’ were giving viewers fantastic television each and every week, and leaving Raw in the dust.

But that, my friends, was a very long time ago. Somewhere along the way Vince McMahon and the rest of management began to look down their noses at Smackdown. Whilst clearly in the beginning it was always going to be the “B-Show” to Raw, McMahon seemed unable to shake that idea from their minds. Vince and Co. had successful screwed up the WCW, ECW, Goldberg and Scott Steiner’s involvement in the WWE, and many blamed this on Vince still retaining the perspective that they were “the enemy”. Competition that needed to be crushed, despite the fact he now owned them. From many a point of view it seemed like Vince was taking the same stance to Smackdown. Examples of this can be found within the WWE’s championship belts. Raw, for instance, has always had the original WWF/E Tag Team and Intercontinental titles, whilst Smackdown revived the old WCW US Title, adopted the WCW Cruiserweight Title and created a brand new set of tag team belts. As it currently stands, Raw holds all the original WWF/E championships, whilst Smackdown consists almost entirely of old WCW titles. Is this indicative of the WWE’s attitude towards Smackdown? As not only the competition, but a lesser show, one they look down on as the did WCW?

Maybe it was a reaction to UPN burying Smackdown in the infamous Friday night ‘Death Slot’. Maybe this complete lack of trust and very public sign of disrespect put McManagement in the wrong mind-set with Smackdown. Whatever the reason it soon became clear everyone’s attention should be on Raw, not Smackdown.

The Cruiserweight division was quickly buried. Although smaller guys have never been the WWE’s style, it was hoped that because of the brand extension giving more air-time to more wrestlers, this would be the perfect opportunity to capitalise on the different pace of wrestling in much the same that ECW and WCW had done in the past (and TNA would do in the future). This was not to be.

During 2004 Draft Lottery Triple H was drafted to Smackdown…but then immediately drafted back to Raw in exchange for Booker T and the Dudleys. The message was clear. Smackdown might be okay for the lower-tier acts, but real main eventers like Triple H belong on Raw.

Statistically speaking, on co-branded Pay Per Views the Raw Title (whether it be World Heavyweight or WWE at the time) headlines the event far more than the Smackdown title. Wrestlemania XIX saw Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar compete for the Smackdown title during the brand’s short-lived heyday, but at Wrestlmania’s 21, 22 and 23 it’s been Raw in the main event.

When John Cena gained incredible popularity as the lead performer and champion on Smackdown, he was seen as ready to join “the big-time” and make the switch to Raw. Bobby Lashley has recently received the same treatment, albeit with a short stopover in ECW to gain some easy gold. This year’s Draft Lottery was a complete joke, as Raw gobbled up yet another of Smackdown’s true home-grown talent, Mr. Kennedy. Raw also took King Booker, shortly after his breakout turn once again at the top of the card, a position he was unable to reach on Raw. In addition Smackdown lost Chris Benoit to ECW, and arguably the best tag team in the company as London & Kendrick also got switched to Monday night’s. Smackdown’s biggest acquisition? Ric Flair. The world’s greatest jobber.

Smackdown’s complete lack of star power and roster depth has been demonstrated time and time again. When Batista suffered a serious injury and had to relinquish the World Heavyweight Title, which Smackdown superstar was waiting in the wings and on every fan’s mind as the next in line? None. Kurt Angle had to be brought in from Raw to take the belt. And when a similar situation occurred again this year with the Undertaker? It was Edge being moved across to take the top spot. And then when Edge suffered an injury of his own and yet another new champion had to be found? Well everyone was left scratching their heads. When I head we’d be getting a new champion on Smackdown, I just assumed it would be Randy Orton, or some other guy from Raw. When I actually stopped to think about who from the Smackdown roster could legitimately hold the World Heavyweight Title…I was stuck. I had Matt Hardy in mind as an outside, long-shot bet. And whilst I argued earlier than it make sense for Khali to hold the title, it doesn’t stop the Idiocy of the situation.

Outside of bringing JBL out of retirement, who on the Smackdown roster is a legitimate main eventer? I’d love to see the belt back on Ric Flair one more time, but he’s too old to be anything other than a nostalgia act for some fans. Who does that leave? Kane? Mark Henry? It’s a damn Idiotic state of affairs.

You’re An Idiot Because – Do You Actively Want Smackdown To Fail? Is That Your Genius Business Plan?

Okay the last time we were all present and correct I had just advertised for a brand new All-Girl Reporter, to 1) prove the fable that girls watch wrestling, and 2) gives us a perspective from the other chromosome. So please welcome to the fold the all new…

Idiot Reporter With Girl Parts

Name: Del.
Nationality: Australian/Indonesian (Living in Sydney, NSW)
Wrestling Diet: As a living abroad torrent pirate I usually wait for a good review or for one of my favourite wrestlers to be on the show before I download. Up until recently I was a frequent watcher of Smackdown but with my favourite wrestlers Kennedy and Londrick being moved to Raw I have now fixed my focus on Raw. TNA gets my second preference, as all my indy favourites run there. Other than that I watch occasionally ROH (Delirous, Old Gen Next), Dragongate (Jack Evans and CIMA) and retro-Joshi (Mid to late 90s). I probably have let myself down as a female wrestling fan by not seeing any Shimmer stuff.
Fav Wrestlers:
Ken Kennedy, Londrick, Edge, Victoria, Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Paul Birchall, LAX, Christian, @lex Shelly, Jack Evans, Teddy Hart, Delirious and Super Dragon.
Favourite guy rejection quote:
“To be honest, it’s just that your Y chromosome just doesn’t do it for me.”

Every week (or whenever she can be bothered) Del will be selection an Idiot of her own using her awesome Girl Powers. Like, y’know…knitting and cooking. Looking at bunnies. I dunno. I’ve never met a real girl before.

Idiot Reporter With Girl Parts 24.07.07

Hello, my name is TNA. I am going to take an attractive and talented multi-time women’s wrestler and slap her around the head with the stupidest gimmick ever.

Rumors have been abound for months now about TNA wanting to expand the women’s division and take it seriously once they go to two hours. But TNA continues to have unfortunate pattern that seems to leech to everything they do, for every great thing they do, they do something equally craptacular.

Please don’t get me wrong, to be honest I’m more a TNA fan than a WWE fan.

But Roxxi… oh dear.

So on TNA impact BG explains who the hell this wierd woman who dances like she took a really bad african rhythm class. She’s the descendent of Marie Laveau.

This is the point that I get annoyed. Why? Because if they had used that backstory, with a much better look and a couple of cool videos this character could have been very very cool.

Marie Laveau was not a stereotypical voodoo/african momma archtype, she was a powerful woman with a wide network of spies as well as “mystical” talents. The woman had twelve bloody children! (One that she named after herself and took the mantle of Voodoo priestess) But TNA writers had to dumb it down to the lowest common denominator stereotype.

And rather than actually talk more about the history of Marie Laveau and help get his co-wrestler over BG says “and if you don’t know who that is look it up!”.

It’s just lazy, lazy writing to me. If they really though outside the box for five seconds about Roxxi and Voodoo Kin Mafia, there is a perfect way to fit a much more complicated and interesting Roxxi Laveaux. How did VKM convince her to join them? What price will it cost them? Does she have her own network of spies?

No. She seems to be scared of people, a gibbering psycho and a very bad dancer.

The positive, she has an awesome finisher and Hemme sold it really well. Nothing like seeing a girl pull off the Dominator better than Bobby Lashley. But in keeping with the TNA pattern, rather than calling anything to do with her character, it’s called the Bimbo Plant.

Bimbo Plant. Oh just shut up.

This Idiot Reporter with Girl Parts stamps Roxxi Laveaux and VKM with my idiot of the week.

I do love a good hate-filled rant. It’s nice to see that you don’t need a penis to hate every-fucking-thing on TV.

We’re done for this week folks, be sure to tune in next time for both Girl & Boy Idiots.