Keys to the Game 7.28.07: The Midget and the Man-Crush
Posted by Joe Estee on 07.28.2007
If you're a reader of this column, you already know where this one's going...
Much like a visitor to the Dateline: To Catch a Predator House, I was left somewhat unsatisfied by the majority of Sunday's pay per view. You, the reader, were promised a grand drunken review, but much like Nicole Ritchie, we had very little to chew upon and did more drinking than eating. But amidst these dark clouds is a silver lining: success for Keys to the Game Icons, Hornswoggle and Randy Orton. Let's breakdown the pain and the pleasure of the Great American Bash.
UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH – MVP vs. MATT HARDY
A pretty solid match overall, MVP picked up the win via a very sloppy "Playmaker."
Not much alcohol had been consumed by this point...
WWE CRUISERWEIGHT OPEN
At first, this seemed a match to run to the bathroom during. I actually forgot that Chavo was the champion. With Helms still on the shelf, London and Kendrick deep in the tag team division, and Rey Mysterio competing in the Heavyweight division, it seemed as though the Cruiserweight division was fairly shallow.
Jimmy Wang Yang entered, and I explained to Dave that he's an Asian Redneck. The following exchange took place as Dave asked, "What is Shannon Moore known for?"
"Sucking."
"What is Jaime Noble known for?"
"Nothing."
We were delighted to see Hornswoggle make an appearance, scurrying in and out of the ring, as Dave and I checked our beer count to make sure this wasn't a drunken hallucination like that whole Asian Redneck thing. Either way, we set up for another round of drinks as the wackiness known as the cruiserweight division displayed it's finest.
Little did I know that this match would conclude with perhaps the GREATEST MOMENT in Keys to the Game HISTORY!!! And yes, I know how truly sad that is.
At the finale, Hornswoggle leapt from the top rope and landed not only on top of Jamie Noble, but in the hearts of us all.
Hornswoggle has finally raised the Cruiserweight Title from Jan Brady to a solid Sam the Butcher. Mark my words: The Miniscule Marvel is no joke. Remember that scary guy from the movie, Leprechaun? Well, Hornswoggle would beat his ass back to Willow and then even further back to Endor. Chuck Norris? Hornswoggle would work his sac like the speed bag in a Rocky montage. Van Damme? Uses his yam bag to roll Yahtzee dice. Siegal? Currently trying to remove his back-wheels from his balloon knot. Hornswoggle could even beat up that Asian guy with the fu Manchu moustache who always appeared as a terrorist of some sort.
Our favorite leprechaun finally found his gold.
SANDMAN vs. CARLITO – SOME KIND OF POLE MATCH (Ahh yes… sweet brown medicine, take the pain away)
Notably, Sandman entered without a beer, thus beginning the post-Benoit era of the WWE Wellness program. Well, at least Carlito had his apple, which as Dave pointed out "is nutritious."
So this match entailed two men trying to climb up a giant pole to obtain a wooden rod used to wack the other guy. Who says wrestling's homoerotic?
WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP – CANDICE MICHELLE vs. MELINA
A decent match as Candice breaks out her new finisher, the candy wrapper, which is a stationary jumping bulldog. Much to our regret, this match does not use the same format as the previous one.
Shortly afterwards we got a taste of Candice Michelle, master of subtlety, pouring water on herself with the Hardy's looking on.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP – UMAGA vs. JEFF HARDY
A fantastic match that ended with a DEVASTATING Samoan spike, although even sober, I can't think of why I liked this.
ECW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP – JOHN MORRISON vs. CM PUNK
Morrison entered with a robe from the Ric Flair collection, which probably came free with the name change. The obligatory "Is Ric Flair dead yet?" jokes ensued.
TEXAS BULLROPE MATCH - RANDY ORTON vs. DUSTY RHODES
In honor of the WWE's code of silence enacted on all things Chris Benoit, I shall limit myself now by refraining from any jokes, wisecracks, puns, etc., etc.. pertaining to age, weight, dialect, or man-boobs. *Ahem*
Perhaps, part of me was just jealous of Rhodes for being attached to Randy Orton via leather strap. However, was there really ever any doubt? Dusty Rhodes had a fever, and unlike Chris Benoit's doctor, Randy Orton only prescribed a cowbell. See you in Hell, readers; see you in Hell
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - JOHN CENA vs. BOBBY LASHLEY
Well, this one pretty much went down how I predicted in last week's article.
Bobby Lashley displayed his superior athleticism and overwhelmed Cena with his amateur skills early on in the contest. Unfortunately for Lashley, he reverted back to his power game which furthered a stalemate into the endgame, where there are few better than John Cena at the moment. Lashley was unable to close out the match, and fell prey to what I believe is the first ever top-rope FU. This match certainly lived up to it's "Big Fight" billing and I anticipate then whenever we see Cena vs. Lashley II, that there will be a much more polished challenger.
THE MIDGET AND THE MAN-CRUSH
With Hornswoggle capturing the Cruiserweight title, and Randy Orton being Named the #1 contender to face Cena at SummerSlam, the only possible way wrestling could get better for Keys to the Game is for Randy Orton to team-up with Hornswoggle and enter the ring dressed in matching outfits and face paint via synchronized zip line harness to the tune of "Girls in Cars" to face the Shockmaster and Michael Vick in a dog collar match officiated by Tim Donaghy…and I had money on it.
