The Wrestling News Experience: 08.06.07

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, all relaxed and ready after the best vacation I’ve taken in a good long time. Nothing like a lakefront cottage up in Muskoka with no responsibilities for four days to help you regain your energy.

I should apologize, I had not meant to skip last week’s report, but circumstances changed my travel plans, and I left on Sunday night, instead of Monday morning as I’d planned. I’m sure no one would blame me for wanting an extra day of vacation, after all, you’d do the same if you were me. Plus, Wilcox did an admirable job of covering for me, and I didn’t get any complaints, so it worked out for everyone.

Oh, there is just one note I wanted to deliver last week, but was of course unable due to my vacation. This goes out to the assholes who stole the front tire of my bike as it was locked up outside my apartment, thus depriving me of my sole form of transportation and doubling my travel time to work every day, all so you could hang out with your buddies and look cool because you stole someone’s front tire (what kind of retard steals a bike tire, I ask you?). I hope you die in a fire, you degenerate pieces of crap. If I ever find out who did this, I will personally spend the rest of my life making you regret the rest of yours.

Moving on.

What’s On Tap – WWE Raw for August 6, 2007

Tonight on Raw, Mr. McMahon strikes back! Not quite sure what he’s striking back at, since he hasn’t been around for two months, and the previous reasons for his disappearance are never to be spoken of again. Or are they? Latest word from backstage is that the limo angle may be resurrected in some form, possibly as a suggestion from someone who was tired of their job. Guess you’ll have to tune in to see what happens.

Also, John Cena, a mere 40 days short of a full calendar year as champion, was pinned cleanly last week by Carlito, a Superstar who has had The Champ’s number seemingly since his debut in WWE. Carlito thinks he should be the next challenger to Cena’s title, not Randy Orton. What does Orton think of this, and how will this affect the WWE title match set for Summerslam?

Plus, King Booker seems set for a collision course with the returning King of Kings at SummerSlam, but will we see Triple H on Raw to confront the arrogant monarch this week? All this, plus probably some women’s wrestling involving Melina and Women’s champion Candice Michelle, tonight on Raw!

Around The Horn

Last Monday’s Raw initially drew a massively low 2.5 rating, which caused panic to set in everywhere in WWE, and also in the IWC, because we panic easily, much like frightened buffalo or something, stampeding off in some direction at random because somebody fired a gun off in the air or something. Anyway, this apparently led to the immediate promotion of Mr. McMahon’s return on tonight’s Raw, and also caused Vince to start berating WWE Creative into thinking outside the box and stop writing stuff to please him. Of course, then it became known that there was a glitch in the ratings calculation, and the real rating was likely much higher. At which point, normal ass-kissing segment writing resumed.

For those who were wondering, no, I wasn’t kidding in the Raw preview when I said that there’s a Raw writer pushing to bring back the limo explosion angle, and I bet you can tell me who it was before you finish reading this sentence. Yep, it’s good old Brian Gerwirtz. Well, I guess it’s thinking outside the box. If by “outside the box” you mean with one’s ass”.

TNA has signed suspended football player “Pacman” Jones to appear in a non-wrestling capacity. For those who don’t follow football, Jones was suspended for repeatedly and publicly violating the league’s conduct policy, mostly in events involving guns and police. That’s right, the NFL, home of the Cincinnati Bengals, who have so many criminals playing for them that it’s fortunate that the uniforms already contain stripes, suspended this guy for unprofessional conduct. And TNA signed him to appear. I guess they aren’t just taking WWE cast-offs now.

WWE released its second quarter financial earnings last week, and they once again turned a profit. The profit would have been larger if not for the dismal sinkhole that was The Condemned, which became the first WWE Film to lose money (quite a lot of money, in fact). So for those keeping track, WWE would have so much more money if it weren’t for:

– the XFL
– WWF New York
– 9/11
– the war in Afghanistan
– the war in Iraq
– having to rebrand from WWF to WWE
– moving Smackdown to Friday nights
– moving Raw to TNN
– moving Raw back to USA
– the total failure of the WCW Invasion angle
– The Condemned
– those meddling kids and their damned dog

I wonder what next quarter’s excuse will be?

A second Congressional request has been sent directly to Vince McMahon, as every congressman looking to grab some TV time on Nancy Grace seems to be jumping on board. Apparently they didn’t read the first WWE response, you know, the one about shoving their request firmly up their collective rectums? I guess it got lost in the mail.

And Jerry Lawler was found not guilty in his ongoing assault case, thus proving that the man is bulletproof and possibly immortal as well. My personal theory is much less interesting, however. He’s a king. He says he’s not guilty, therefore, he’s not guilty. Isn’t that how monarchy works? Don’t go questioning the laws of divine right, now, because that leads to chaos and anarchy and things nailed on church doors and such.

Kat Deluca, who is providing the theme music for SummerSlam, will be performing live leading up to the PPV in New Jersey. Obviously, no one has yet told her that the PPV is in New Jersey.

And before I leave this segment, an article out of India has been published about the Great Khali and how he grew up in a poor village in India. Well, of course they were poor, they had to feed and clothe a growing Great Khali. Plus, you know, they would have to build an extra large hut, and those aren’t easy.

Wow, I’ve stooped to jokes about excessive poverty in India. You’d think it was a slow news week.

Who’s Holding Gold

No PPV’s this week, so the title picture remained stable, outside of naming a few #1 contenders. Plus, this week, CM Punk takes the 15 Minutes of Fame Challenge, with an ECW title shot awarded should he win or last the entire time.

WWE

WWE Champion: John Cena
– 325 day reign
– defeated Edge on September 17th, 2006 (Unforgiven PPV)
– TLC match stipulation
– Next title defense: vs Randy Orton, SummerSlam PPV

World Heavyweight Champion: The Great Khali
– 17 day reign
– won a battle royal to claim the vacant title on July 20th (Smackdown)
– battle royal stipulation involving 19 other participants
– Next title defense: vs Batista, SummerSlam PPV

ECW World Champion: Johnny Nitro
– 43 day reign
– defeated CM Punk on June 24th (Vengeance PPV) to win the vacant title

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Umaga
– 35 day reign
– defeated Santino Marella on July 2nd (Raw)

WWE United States Champion: MVP
– 78 day reign
– defeated Chris Benoit on May 20th (Judgment Day PPV)
– 2/3 Falls stipulation
– Next title defense: vs Matt Hardy, SummerSlam PPV

World Tag Team Champions: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
– 63 day title reign
– defeated The Hardys on June 4th (Raw)

WWE Tag Team Champions: Deuce and Domino
– 108 day reign
– defeated London and Kendrick on April 20th (Smackdown)

WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Hornswoggle
– 15 day reign
– won Cruiserweight Open on July 23rd (Great American Bash PPV)
– Cruiserweight Open stipulation involving Jimmy Wang Yang, Funaki, Shannon Moore, Chavo Guerrero, and Jamie Noble

WWE Women’s Champion: Candice Michelle
– 43 day reign
– defeated Melina on June 24th (Vengeance PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
– 50 day reign
– won King of the Mountain match to claim the vacant title on June 17th (Slammiversary PPV)
– King of the Mountain stipulation involving Christian Cage, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Chris Harris
– Next title defense: vs Samoa Joe, Hard Justice PPV

TNA Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe
– 22 day reign
– defeated Team 3-D on July 15th (Victory Road PPV)
– Match of Champions stipulation
– Next title defense: vs Kurt Angle, Hard Justice PPV

TNA X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe
– 45 day reign
– defeated “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal on June 21st (Impact)
– Triple Threat stipulation involving Chris Sabin
– Next title defense: vs Kurt Angle, Hard Justice PPV

The Injury Bug Bites

Inactive List as of 07.22.07

WWE

– Ashley, SD!, out indefinitely as of June 8 (kayfabe, suspension)
– Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
– Edge, SD!, out four months as of July 17th (pectoral)
– Gregory Helms, SD!, out one year as of May 17th (neck surgery)
– Hardcore Holly, SD!, out 3-4 months as of April 3 (elbow surgery)
– Rey Mysterio, SD!, out indefinitely as of October 2006 (knee surgery)
– Shawn Michaels, RAW, out indefinitely as of May 15th (knee surgery)
– Triple H, RAW, out 4-6 months as of January 7 (torn quadriceps)
– The Undertaker, SD!, out 6-8 months as of May 9 (bicep)

TNA

No reported injuries.

Transactions

– Andrew “The Punisher” Martin, TNA, made TNA debut on Impact

I’m fairly sure THAT nickname will do about as much for him as “Test” did. Really, is there a less intimidating wrestling name than “Andrew”? Plus, they brought him in as a good guy, when his only talent I’ve ever seen is when he’s portrayed as a lecherous jerk. And don’t get me started on whatever that hairstyle was supposed to be. But hey, it’s another guy they can push instead of homegrown talent, so more power to them, I guess.

– Bobby Lashley, RAW, out indefinitely as of July 23 (shoulder)

Time on recovery seems vague, depending on the amount of damage done, but it’s a big blow to the main event picture on Raw, which had previously been the strongest of the three. Hey, maybe they’ll actually have to have Ken Kennedy start winning matches.

– Jeff Hardy, RAW, out thirty days as of July 20 (suspension)

Suspension being the latest word, it has flip-flopped between suspension and injury several times in the last week, but either way, you can be sure a close eye is being kept on the younger Hardy.

– Santino Marella, RAW, status uncertain (shoulder)

Suffered during a house show match with Umaga. It’s okay, though, because nobody cares about him anyway.

Links For Fun And Nonprofit

Byers and Meehan had the weekend news reports.

From the glowing box, Wilcox and Small have Heat, Larry has Hogan Knows Best, Dunn and Borchardt have Smackdown, and Byers and Larry have Impact.

The Triple Threat.

Short has The Navigation Log.

Adamson has Destiny.

Berman has Why I Love Wrestling.

And Ari’s Column of Honor has a Part One and Part Two.

The Gab Bag

Aaron wonders what Ashley was suspended for, given that she doesn’t do much. Well, Mr. McMahon was power tripping around Smackdown one day, and…I think she laughed at him or something, so he suspended her indefinitely. In reality, she’s a contestant (or a potential contestant, or something) on an upcoming Survivor (I can’t believe THAT show is still around. Actually, I can, and it’s a sad testament to humanity), and thus needed the time off.

And Steve has some more compliments for my Rumble reviews.

Just wanted to let you know how great your Royal Rumble reviews are in your Wrestling News Experience column. I read 411 everyday, and your reviews are, by far, the funniest out there, and ones I look forward to the most. Please continue to review the Rumbles. You rock!

Well, maybe a little. And you’re in luck, because here we go again.

From The Anthology – Royal Rumble 1991

So, we move on into 1991, as the Iraq war raged on (whoa, déjà vu), and one of the biggest bonehead moves in WWE’s history of bonehead moves was to turn Sergeant Slaughter into an Iraqi sympathizer. Meanwhile, Warrior Ultimate “Warrior” Warrior Warrior was failing on top as World Champion, and yes, Hulk Hogan was still hanging around. The end results, shall we say, probably should have been obvious.

This would be the very first Royal Rumble I ever saw, though I only saw the match itself, during lunch hour at school when I was in grade five. Goddamn, I’m old.

We are LIVE on DVD from Miami, and because the Gulf War was going, we get the National Anthem. Thus giving me the opportunity to re-use my favourite jokes about Americans cheering their anthem, but Canadians sing along. In both languages.

Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and…a very vocal Roddy Piper. Man, how could they actually tell when Roddy went insane?

The Rockers vs The Orient Express

I suspect the masked Express member may be Jamie Noble, or one of his ancestors.

Anyway, we get a nice little tag match, as Piper provides additional entertainment by never shutting up. I doubt even he knows where he’s going when he starts a sentence, so he just keeps talking until he runs out of breath. His discussion on why the Rockers communicate better than the Orient Express is truly a testament to his lung capacity. In case you’re interested, it’s because the Express only takes orders from Fuji, apparently being unable to talk to each other. So I guess they’re from different parts of the Orient.

Rocket Launcher looks to finish, but Shawn gets shoved off the top to the floor. Geez, no wonder he turned on Marty within the year. However, Shawn makes it back in to break up the double team, and Marty gets a sunset flip to finish. I believe this was setting up Hart Foundation vs The Rockers, and the title change that didn’t happen, but I could be wrong.

Backstage, the Macho King claims he already has a guaranteed title shot from Slaughter if he wins, and he’s sent out Sherri to demand that he get one from Warrior too. Well, she threatens and derides Warrior, which probably isn’t the best negotiating ploy, but then suddenly changes direction and tries to seduce him? This is disturbing for at least eight different reasons. Anyway, Warrior shakes a bit and and turns it down, which leads to Macho destroying a locker room. Gee, I wonder if this will play into the result of the match?

The Big Boss Man vs The Barbarian

Pretty sure this is part of the Boss Man’s attempt to destroy the Heenan Family. Barbarian is noticeably less intimidating without the facepaint of the past. Also, I would note that despite being a huge face, Boss Man’s uniform still contains the Confederate flag.

A surprisingly energetic match, reminding us all that the Boss Man used to be one of the better workers in wrestling. For example, he hits a pretty sweet enziguri to take control late in the match. Top rope clothesline (???) from Barbarian looks to finish, but only gets two. Barbarian hits a piledriver and goes up top again (???) but a crossbody is rolled through for the Boss Man win.

I would be remiss if we left this segment without pointing out that “Hard Times” sucks.

Backstage, Adnan (the Iron Shiek, looking much slimmer but just as crazy) and Slaughter are being all evil and Iraqi and stuff. Actually, it’s just Slaughter cutting the same promo he always does, including classics like “maggot” and calling his opponent “Ultimate Puke” (which he’s not, the ultimate puke took place shortly after a hot dog eating content in Louisville in 1984), but wearing a turban this time.

Meanwhile, Warrior is decked out in red, white, and blue, but ruins the look with a pastel purple belt. He suggests that anyone who would follow Slaughter are demented. Pot, kettle.

Sergeant Slaughter vs The Ultimate Warrior © – WWF Heavyweight Championship

Piper and Gorilla are quick to point out that while they hate Slaughter’s opinions, they will defend his right to say them, because of freedom of speech in America and all that. You know, that never stopped Hacksaw.

It’s also amazing that aside from a larger gut (and not a whole lot larger), Slaughter looks exactly the same here as he did on Raw last week. At least you can’t really suggest he was ever on steroids. Or Rogaine.

Anyway, Warrior beats up Slaughter with the flag for a while. Eventually Sherri (in a new dress) comes to ringside, at least until Warrior chases her back up to the entrance, where the Macho King attacks and beats him up. Slaughter even distracts the referee, which they’d never even bother with nowadays, what with title matches essentially being no-DQ unless it suits them. Warrior obviously won’t be able to beat the count back, but Slaughter forces the ref to stop because he can’t win the title. Yep, there used to be countouts in title matches, too.

Slaughter takes over from there, and a Camel Clutch looks to finish, but Warrior is under the ropes. Ropes are shaken, clotheslines delivered, but Sherri is back to distract and… holy crap, she gets gorilla pressed and tossed onto the approaching Macho King at ringside. Wow. Anyway, Macho comes back with a sceptre shot, and Slaughter gets the pin and the belt, which drives Piper into hysterics.

Koko B Ware vs The Mountie

Gorilla makes homosexual reference to the Mountie motto about “always getting their man”. True story, they wouldn’t let the Mountie wrestle under that gimmick inside Canada. Anyway, Koko is a jobber, so he loses. Match was way too long for what it was.

Backstage, Macho King mocks the Warrior, which would of course go badly for him at WrestleMania. Hilariously, as (presumably) Warrior starts pounding on Macho’s dressing room door, Sean Mooney says “no one should get between Macho King and the Warrior right now”, while standing between the door and the retreating King.

Also backstage, Slaughter continues to be evil and Iraqi, and also champion. The purple belt looks worse with camo.

Dusty and Dustin Rhodes vs Ted Dibiase and Virgil

Nobody laughs maniacally like Dibiase. Dusty was out of the polka dots at this point. I think this was just a one-shot from Dustin, but a shockingly similar story to how Cody is being brought in now. I should also point out the irony of Virgil being in a match against Dusty.

So Dustin beats Virgil around the ring, making Dibiase increasingly irate. I keep forgetting that Dustin is a huge guy, as he towers over everyone in this match. It’s also interesting to watch the mannerisms that would become Goldust trademarks later on in their early form. Dibiase comes in and fares equally badly, but Virgil keeps breaking up pins. Dustin misses a high knee in the corner, and the heels go to work on it with the usual. However, heel miscommunication happens, and Dibiase decides to beat the crap out of Virgil and toss him from the premises. And then he gets a rollup on Dusty off a missed elbow for the win. See, he didn’t really need Virgil anyway.

Post-match, Dibiase further berates his manservant…er…bodyguard, but Virgil throws off the chains of oppression and knocks Dibiase out with the Million Dollar Belt. The racial overtones of this segment are just beyond words.

Backstage, Hulk Hogan dedicates his Rumble performance to the troops, and Mean Gene has breaking news…apparently Sergeant Slaughter may have defaced an American flag somewhere backstage! Such a dastardly rumour of an off-screen deed that might not have happened really gets Hogan’s blood boiling, brother. Rest assured that if this rumour ends up being true, he’ll do something about it. Of course, if it’s not, he probably won’t.

The Royal Rumble Match

Fink skips the reading of the rules this time. Still no WrestleMania title shot to the winner, well, technically.

#1 – Bret Hart
#2 – Dino Bravo

East vs West, Canadian style! Bret bumps around for Bravo for a while, as Piper goes out on a limb and says neither man will win.

The counter must be visible, because for the first time, the crowd counts along. No buzzer or music, though.

#3 – Greg “The Hammer” Valentine

Shockingly, Hammer goes for Bravo, denying us the usual “2 heels on 1 face” segment. Hammer powers Bravo out rather easily, then roughs up Jimmy Hart as well. Bret takes over on the distraction, though.

#4 – Paul Roma

This would be during the “Power and Glory” phase of Roma’s jobbing career, which shames me to say that I liked at the time. Hey, I didn’t know Roma sucked, my bad. Pretty much miscellaneous beating going on.

#5 – “Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich

Tornado knocks down the heels and goes to work on Valentine. Bret misses a second rope elbowdrop, but it wasn’t his trademark one, which explains it.

#6 – “The Model” Rick Martel

Martel tries to power out Roma, but Bret prevents and unloads on him. Really not a lot going on.

#7 – Saba Simba

Speaking of racial overtones. Simba doesn’t make much headway against the press of bodies, so we’re back to random brawling. Tornado misses a discus punch, but gets the Claw on Roma.

#8 – Bushwhacker Butch

Piper says the Bushwhackers are his favourite team, which shouldn’t really shock anyone. Model dumps Simba in the chaos.

#9 – Jake “The Snake” Roberts

Jake goes straight for Martel, in furtherance of their feud that would give us such classics as the Blindfold Match. Model goes under the ropes to escape the fury.

#10 – Hercules

This would the be Power half of the tag team, although I’m unsure what glory Paul Roma ever had. Aside from Jake (and Bret, but he was still a tag team and not quite our Canadian Overlord yet), there’s way too many jobbers in here.

#11 – Tito Santana

I find myself missing Jesse’s insistence on calling him “Chico”. Jake lowbridges Roma to the floor, but Tito doesn’t really break the jobber barrier any. At this point, the match is kind of going nowhere. And it’s doing it slowly. The commentary is so lost for interesting things to talk about, that they decide to focus on when the next person is coming in.

#12 – The Undertaker

Well, that’ll spice things up. Taker was managed by Brother Love at this point, which never made sense to me. He casually tosses Bret, which would cause bad blood between them and lead to a series of title matches six years later. At least, that’s my theory. Despite my hope, Taker fails to dump anyone else.

#13 – “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka

Taker eliminates Butch during Snuka’s entrance. My God, he doesn’t even have any tattoos at this point. I have trouble reconciling this man with the one that exists today. Anyway, still not much happening, so I’ll mention that Snuka is sporting a moustache that really doesn’t work for him.

#14 – “British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith

Jake gets inadvertantly tied in the ropes and can’t get free without help. Still nothing really happening.

#15 – Smash

Demolition has been demoted to near-jobbers at this point, since the Legion of Doom had come in to WWF. Model dumps Jake from the apron.

#16 – Hawk

Speaking of which, Hawk starts out a house of fire, but gets ganged up on by four guys. Ten guys in the ring is way too many, especially since nobody’s really doing anything impressive. Cue the clock speeding up.

#17 – Shane Douglas

A rookie in WWF at this time, he’d go nowhere fast, but did manage to sport an impressive mullet. Tornado gets dumped by Taker, and Superfly by Hawk.

#18 – No Entry

Checking the entry list on the DVD box, this was supposed to be the Macho King, who is presumably fleeing the Warrior, but Gorilla and Roddy have no clue and have to offer excuses. Piper makes an interesting: in instances like this, you have until the next competitor enters the ring before you’re officially eliminated from the Rumble for not entering in time. Which explains things like why Spike Dudley was eliminated in 2004 despite never entering the ring.

#19 – Animal

LOD teams up to dump Taker, but Hawk gets knocked out in the aftermath.

#20 – Crush

Demolition Mark II teams up on the Bulldog, as we still have nine men in the ring, and no room to maneuver.

#21 – Hacksaw Jim Duggan

So much nothing happens that I just sit and wait for the next guy.

#22 – Earthquake

Quake goes for Animal first and dumps him after some back-and-forth, but fails to get anyone else over the top during this interval. Piper subtly notes that the clock is definitely going fast.

#23 – Mr Perfect

Perfect was IC champ at this point, and takes his time to hit the ring. He dumps Duggan on entry, then dropkicks Smash. Thus endeth the high-flying portion of the Rumble.

#24 – Hulk Hogan

Well, at least the crowd woke up. Smash goes out, and Hogan turns and goes straight for Earthquake, and the camera follows that for the rest of the segment.

#25 – Haku

Hogan wanders away from Earthquake to dump Valentine, who manages to tie the existing longevity record of Dibiase from last year at 47 minutes. Martel rips off Hogan’s shirt and chokes him with it. One would suggest that would be a mistake, but Martel manages to survive.

#26 – Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart

Quake tosses Santana while Neidhart beats up Hercules. A few teases of eliminations, but nothing substantial. Unless God himself comes in during the next four numbers, it’s pretty obvious that Hogan’s winning.

#27 – Bushwhacker Luke

Quake dumps Luke on entry, setting the kayfabe record for shortest elimination, although I think Warlord was out faster the previous year. Anyway, Luke doesn’t even break stride, power marching back out.

#28 – Brian Knobbs

Knobbs gets gang-beat on entry for no particular reason other than being ugly. He survives, however, and tosses Hercules.

#29 – Warlord

Also less intimidating without facepaint, although he does look like Stone Cold’s older, bulkier, cousin or something. Hogan dumps Crush in the corner, then Warlord, who continues to really earn those Rumble paychecks.

#30 – Tugboat

At this point, Monsoon and Piper figure out who #18 was and speculate where Macho has gone, mostly because it’s more interesting than Tugboat. Douglas gets eliminated by Knobbs off-screen. Tugboat nearly dumps Hogan , but Hogan turns the tables and dumps him, managing to eliminate his closest “friend” for the third straight year in a row and yet remain a good guy. Who even thought Tugboat would make a good partner for Hogan, anyway? Bulldog dropkicks Perfect off the top rope and out. Martel manages to dump Neidhart, then Haku charges and gets tossed by Bulldog. The eliminations are fast and furious, and we’re down to five. Martel and Bulldog tussle while Quake and Knobbs beat down Hogan. Martel makes the mistake (noted by Gorilla and Piper) of going up top, and Bulldog clotheslines him out to set the new longevity record of 53 minutes.

Final Four: Hogan, Earthquake, Knobbs, Bulldog.

Bulldog is quickly doubleteamed and tossed, and the beatings of Hogan resume. Big splash by Quake, followed by the Earthquake finisher, but Hogan, as is his idiom, pops up and boots Knobbs to the floor. Big boot by Hogan, and an interfering Jimmy Hart gets dropped, but Quake falls on Hogan during a bodyslam attempt to break the momentum. Powerslam by Quake, by once again, Hogan pops up, and it’s Hulk up time. Punch, punch, punch, big boot, and it’s the giant-killing bodyslam that he used to take out the metric tonne weight of Andre the Giant while 5 million fans watched on in the Silverdome, and the elimination is academic.

Stephen Rates The Rumbles

Overall, sadly, this is the worst Rumble so far, and it shows in the recap, as there was literally long stretches of absolutely nothing interesting happening. Plus, nobody really got showcased, coming in and tossing a bunch of people to clear the ring a bit. When #30 hit the ring, there were still ten men left fighting, and really only 3 (Hogan, Quake, and IC champion Perfect) who you could make a case for winning.

1. Royal Rumble 1990
2. Royal Rumble 1989
3. Royal Rumble 1988
4. Royal Rumble 1991

Next week, the Rumble that many people call the greatest ever. Except me. Want to know why? Well, then you’ll have to come back next week.

And One To Go On

411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT. That’s our show, before we go, we check in with our good friend, Larry Csonka, for a look at tomorrow’s Your News, My Views. Larry?

Hello, Randle. Enjoy your vacation?

Why, yes, yes I did, Larry. Thanks for asking.

Oh I bet you did. Going off, shirking your responsibilities, leaving me to run the Wrestling Zone all by myself.

Well, to be fair, you normally do that anyway.

And what’s worse, you get Wilcox to fill in for you! Wilcox? Who’s he? What’s he even done worth talking about? You must have hired him when I wasn’t looking.

Now, Larry, that’s a little too mean, don’t you think? Wilcox did a fine job on short notice filling in for me, I think he deserves a little credit.

Credit? Do I look like a bank? Is there an ATM on my chest?

Um…

Hey, Wilcox! Your mother dresses you funny! And you’re adopted, so she’s not even your real mother anyway!

Larry, that’s even worse. Why would you say such deliberately hurtful things?

It’s tough love, Randle. Got to toughen up these wussy little writers so they don’t wilt under the eventual hate mail. Soon Wilcox will be strong, like me, able to shrug off the flames of ROH lemmings by the truckload. And on that day, he’ll thank me.

Well, if you say so.

Of course you give in and agree, Randle. You’re a soft little Canadian. ‘Oh, everybody loves me, because I’m Canadian, and we never offend anyone or cause any trouble.’ I’m on to you, Randle.

Good to know. Larry Csonka, ladies and gentlemen. He’ll be in tomorrow, I’ll be back next week.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.