Team Payload judge your Fantasy Booking suggestions for John Cena's next feud!
Rob: Well since the 411Mania Drug Test Policy has yet to catch up with me over my extensive use of Humour Growth Hormone, I'm still here every Monday steering this crazy, insulting ship called The Fink's Payload. And look who's joining me this week! It's First Mate Daniel Wilcox! How are you this week Sea-Man Wilcox?
Dan: Looking forward to another week of ideas to plough through, ripping these ideas apart and causing their creators to spend Monday nights drinking heavily in the dark with a solitary tear running down a rosy read cheek.
Rob: Sadly due to computer problems we're one man short for this week's orgy of fantasy booking. Looks like it's just gonna be me and Dan, one and one. Like nature intended.
Last week's homework was to book John Cena's next championship feud. Dan from Brooklyn returns to The Fink and starts us off this week.
Doesn't Championship feud mean the challenger has a shot in hell...and Cena is actually being booked stronger than Hogan at this point. Anyway...I got the only feud Cena hasn't had yet. So Summerslam, and the champs retain. Batista has the DQ win over Khali. Long guarantees him a rematch at Unforgiven and after Batista screams about wanting blood, Long makes it a First Blood match. Raw's Main event for Unforgiven is unique. It is a 6-Pack Challenge for the #1 Contendership between Orton, Triple H, Carlito, Umaga, Booker and Kennedy with WWE Champion John Cena as the Special Guest referee. At Unforgiven Batista and Khali brawl around and in a classic Dusty finish, the ref gets KO'd and doesn't notice Khali busted open, and after aid from his interpreter, Batista is bloodied and gets screwed again. In the 6-Pack challenge Cena is being totally impartial. Everyone is brawling outside except Umaga and Carlito. Umaga hits the Spike but Batista runs down still bloody and dumps Umaga, then Batista Bombs Carlito and Cena in a shocking move, counts the pin!
On Raw William Regal comes out with Teddy Long. Long argues that Batista is SD property but Regal claims that WWE officials have the last word in matches and if Cena counted the pin, Batista is the #1 Contender to the WWE Title. Long says Raw owes SD something in exchange and Regal says he has an idea. An injured wrestler making there return soon from injury...Shawn Michaels. Long is fine with that and leaves. Cena comes out and calls out Batista. He says he understands why Batista did what he did and he got screwed so he watched his back. He talks about how they made history together at WM 21 when they both won World Titles in the same night. The 6-pack contenders are all pissed at this. Cena and Batista team up to face Booker and Orton one week and Carlito and Kennedy the next.
At No Mercy Cena faces Batista in the first one on one match between them and it goes 25 minutes and Batista does the impossible and defeats Cena clean to win the WWE Title. Batista would retain at Cyber Sunday in a Triple Threat against Cena and Triple H and then at Survivor Series the main event would be an Elimination Chamber, with Batista, Cena, Triple H, Kennedy, Orton, Umaga and Batista would eke out the win. Triple H would defeat Batista to win the WWE Title at Armageddon and Cena would win the Rumble to ensure (C) Triple H vs. John Cena at WM 24.
At this point no one on Raw outside of Triple H is even believable anymore as a challenger to Super-Cena and its too early for the Triple H run, so lets go with the Batista switch and title reign. That leaves SD to have Taker win back the title from Khali, Edge and Shawn Michaels return from injury to challenge Taker, Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy can also be elevated to Main Event status as challengers.
Rob: RUSSO ALERT! Dan, it's great to have you back but you immediately lose 30,000 Rob Points for horrible Russo Booking. I don't mind you switching Batista to Raw, but having somebody not in the match or ever part of the same BRAND win the match is a play straight out of 90's WCW. Hang your head in shame. And whilst I would love to see HBK switch to Smackdown, I don't think it should be at the expense of them losing Batista. Also I think your logic is a bit flawed, or at least mistimed. I understand what you mean about none of Cena's opponents even looking like contenders, but neither does Batista at this stage. Since returning from injury he's been the whipping boy for Edge, Undertaker and The Great Khali and hasn't picked up one big victory in months! I think Batista has taken some serious damage to his credibility lately. Also, how the hell does a referee not get distracted in a First Blood Match. It's not like missing a 3-count or not seeing someone cheat…one of the guys had blood all over him! Ring the bell ref!
Dan: I think Rob's done a good job of pointing out the major flaws in this one but I disagree that switching Batista for Michaels is a bad move. Michaels would be a tremendous addition to the SmackDown roster. Feuds with Edge or Undertaker would phenomenal, and there is also possibilities for great matches with the likes of Rey Mysterio and MVP. The only other problem I have with this is that the guy who dethrones Cena should be someone like Mr. Kennedy or Randy Orton who have big futures ahead of them whereas a guy like Batista really doesn't.
Next on the list it's Regular Finker and the guy with the best Arrested Development reference in the whole damn column, Frightened Inmate #2
Raw
Raw starts. Cena's music hits. THE CHAMP IS STILL HERE. Cena cuts the same old promo about how everyone thought he would lose and he is still here. Orton fought one hell of a fight, but its gonna take something special to take this belt and he is gonna be the first modern champ to have a year reign. HHH's music interrupts. The Game comes out, and states that he is back. He is going to reclaim his throne at the top of Raw and reminds us of his many title reigns, and how he is better than ever. He will take that title of Cena, but first he has some unfinished business. He calls out the Legend Killer, Randy Orton who promptly arrives. HHH claims that he will get revenge on the man that took him out, and the man that seriously injured his partner, Shaun. Orton says Cena got lucky, and he has no problems with ending the career of another DX legend. All three face off in the ring, until they are halted by Carlito's music. He comes down to state his case. He has not had a one on one match for ages for the belt. He has a winning record against the champ. Cena laughs, and says some witty remark. Kennedys music hits. He says he should have a shot. Things get heated and sparks look like they could fly with 5 wrestlers in the ring now, when Regals music hits. He says that Kennedy and Carlito couldn't get the job done in an inter-continental match last night, so they should show him they deserve a shot. Ortons had his chance, and HHH has only had one match since return. He announces the return of the gold rush tournament, and warns HHH his match is next.
HHH pins Shitsky, hopefully pedigree-ing him out of the WWE.
Orton pins Umaga, in a brutal match using some nefarious tactics.
Next two matches next week.
Raw
Raw opens with Orton saying how he is two matchs away from regaining the No.1 Contenders spot and showing how Cena is a fraud and got lucky against him, when he is chased away by Umaga, furious for the way Orton cheated him out of it last week.
Orton runs into HHH, backstage who gives him rights, and chucks him back out to Umaga who beats him down.
Kennedy pins Cody Rhodes, who is distracted by WGTT.
Main event has Carlito waiting for who he has to face in his Gold Rush match.
Its Jeff Hardy. Crowd pops, as Jeff looks impressive in a win against Carlito. Regal says next week its Orton-HHH, and Kennedy-Jeff
Raw
Jeff-Kennedy kicks things off with Jeff again looking strong taking the win when Kennedy misses the Kenton bomb.
Main event is HHH-Orton, which Orton takes when Umaga interferes destroying Orton. HHH is furious and takes out Umaga with the sledgehammer.
Have Jeff cut promos and generally look a big deal. JR and King play up his speed and agility.
Raw
Jeff wins after a gruelling match against an Orton who was distracted by HHH's music. Jeff celebrates with the crowd, and is the new No.1 Contender. Orton is furious and storms Regals office. He demands HHH at Unforgiven. HHH is here. He dares Orton to play the game. Orton accepts and its on, but Regal has decided to add someone else who is not happy with the two. Umaga.
Jeff-Cena contract signing later. Cena seems a bit arrogant, and names all the peoples hes retained against. He seems to think Jeff doesn't stack up to them or himself No tables are broke. Match is on.
PPV
HHH-Umaga-Orton is a good match with buckets of blood. Orton manages to slip out of the pedigree every time, and eventually manages to sneak a pin off Umaga when he fells the Samoan with a Chairshot, Orton kicks and RKO. Umaga looked confused and could be out for a while.
Jeff-Cena, is an awesome match with eventually the champs power taking control. Cena then is abit cocky, and doesn't pin Jeff after a FU, and picks him up for the Twist of Fate. Jeff reverses and hits his own, goes up top, hits swanton bomb for the win and the title. Cena is shocked, crowd go wild and Jeff and Matt celebrate in the ring like theres no tomorrow.
Aftermath.
With Umaga out the picture, Orton-HHH can have the feud their meant to with a big HiaC match to finish, so HHH can move onto headling Mania against Jeff and Cena (slightly heeler), and Umaga can get revenge on Orton for taking him out. Jeff pulls out the incredible win in the triple threat, but his night isn't over as the returning Edge who won the money in the bank match earlier in the night comes out to take the gold for the 3rd time. That leaves Edge-Hardy, HHH-Cena, Orton-Umaga as feuds to go onto after mania.
Rob: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jeff fucking Hardy?!?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dan: Aside from this being really, really, REALLY unlikely, it's tremendous. As ridiculous as it is, it's the kind of thing WWE needs – a moment. This would be a moment the likes of which we've never seen and it would have most WWE fans marking out like little babies – if it wasn't against Cena. You're putting two of WWE's most popular stars in their with each other and they share the same fan base so it would really take away from the moment if most of the crowd is disappointed that Cena lost. Still, I'd mark for Hardy winning the title (he should have done it in 2002 against Taker).
Adam Jones gets straight to the point. Which we like.
John Cena comes to the ring with a mic, like he often does. The crowd has a split reaction, as they often do. Cena says he read an article online that pissed him off, and he calls out 3 asshole writers who run a column where they ask readers for ideas, shit all over them to make themselves feel superior, and continue to post their own far-fetched ideas without subjecting them to any scrutiny whatsoever. The 3 assholes come down to the ring, but before they can post a response into their laptops, Cena punches them all out, grabs their laptops, and bashes them over their heads with their own computers. After that's over, Vince McMahon says, "Thanks, John. I can't believe these douche bags actually thought they could run my company better than me. As a show of gratitude, I'll let you pick your next opponent." Cena says that he wants a rematch against the man who beat him to become "Champion of Champions" and will fight King Booker next. Meanwhile, the 3 assholes start to come to their senses, but Vince and Cena kick the shit out of them and make them join the Kiss My Ass club.
Rob: Oooowee! He really laid into those asshole writers! Boy, I sure would hate to be in their shoes! They must feel like idiots right about now. Humiliated on the internet like that. I would just be distraught, I really would. Anyway. King Booker eh? Not sure it'd work since he just took a pretty high-profile loss at Summer-HEY WAIT A MINUTE! Oh fuck you buddy. Fuck you.
Dan: I legit LOLed at this one. Then I realised who sent it. Adam Jones. Adam Jones? PACMAN?! NO FREAKIN' WAY! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?! THAT'S INSANE! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT, MIKE?! Your idea sucks ass because everybody knows Team Payload wouldn't let Cena beat us down. And on that note, we challenge Team Pacman to a match! Team Payload vs. Team Pacman in a Doomsday House Chamber of Blood and Fun Clockwork King of the Orange Mountain Match!
The man known only as Stephen Straka wants to jump straight into the HHH/Cena money-maker.
Not a full-out booking but a general idea. Book the inevitable Cena/HHH feud with Cena ending up as the heel. He can do this by referencing the drug scandel and suspended wrestlers and noting that he's too good to get involved in any of that. The problem is that this is of course CM Punk's old heel gimmick watered down but having Punk turn heel for this is probably the worst thing that could happen right now for ECW given that I honestly cannot think of another face who actually has a shot at being in the ECW title hunt. This could also deflect some criticism from the WWE by making Cena out as the clean nice guy and reminding everyone that he's one of the longest-reigning champions in the WWE (as if they haven't done enough of that). Of course, then you have HHH winning the title which might be counter-productive but the fans pop harder for HHH than Cena right now so it really doesn't matter too much.
Rob: I think we all agree that Cena could do with a heel turn around this time. But I'm not sure this is the way to go. I think the drug issue is far too sensitive for McManagement to ever draw attention to it on screen. I could see a great heel character using the classic Punk schtick, sticking to booze and recreational drugs, but I doubt they'd venture into the steroids area. And really, why would they? The majority of an audience at least drinks on a regular basis, if not smokes the old dope. They would quite rightly get pissed at someone calling them on that. I doubt they'd get pissed at a guy saying steroids are bad. They may well agree. And cheer.
Dan: Bringing this into the limelight is something WWE would never do. And turning Cena heel isn't necessary either when Triple H is the best natural heel of probably the last 10 years.
Curtis McLean loves ROH more than his own Mother. Just kidding. His Mom is great.
On Raw after Summerslam, we have Cena open the show to say how he's beaten every challenger he's faced and is looking for a new challenge. We ahve teh opening match and then we see Estrada, Long and Regal backstage with Vince signing a contract.
After commercial all the GM's are in the ring with Vince. Vince announces that since Cena has beaten all challengers, they are going to hold a company wide tournament to crown the next contender to Cena, the only stipulation is no person who has lost a title match to Cena will be entered. We then get a look at the brackets which look like...
King Booker vs Jeff Hardy
Carlito vs Kennedy
Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerrero
Finlay vs Ric Flair
Matt Hardy vs MVP
Mark Henry vs Stevie Richards
Batista vs Kane
CM Punk vs Elija Burke
In an effort to promote fairness, the winner of the tournemnt will be drafted to RAW immediatly and the GM of their show gets a draft pick of any non-champion.
That night on Raw, Jeff Hardy manages to snag a win over King Bookah due to Triple H distracting the King.
On ECW we get Mark Henry killing Richards (who gets a shot for being Throne so many times)
On Smackdown we get two matches, with Finlay beating Flair and Rey beating Chavo.
Back on Raw, Kennedy beats Carlito while Cena watches intently.
Back on ECW we see Punk overcome Burke and then Morrison coming out to tell Punk to just give up because he is a choke artist, causing Punk to attack Morrison and beat the everlasting piss out of him.
Smackdown finishes the first round with Hardy getting a win over MVP and Batista beating Kane, after the match Cena coems to the rings and stares down Batista
On Raw we get round 2 which features
Hardy vs Kennedy
Mysterio vs Finlay
Hardy vs Henry
Punk vs Batista
After a first round of mainly fueds, the field is pretty open, of course there is talk about possible match ups like Matt vs Jeff in the finals. Kennedy manages to beat Jeff though after a battle of the Swanton vs Kenton. While Cena again watches intently. Mysterio beats Finlay, Matt Hardy somehow beats Mark Henry after The Undertaker's lights go off and distract him and MVP fails at interfering. Finally Punk does the unthinkable and makes Batista tap out after a mystery man distracts Batista and Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice. Batista grabs the mystery man, but Punk levels him with a chair and the two stand over a fallen Batista.
The Semi finals are now
Kennedy vs Mysterio and Punk vs Hardy
Kennedy beats Mysterio while once again Cena is paying close attention and scouting. Hardy and Punk go at it, Jeff prevents MVP from interfering, but that mystery man makes it out again and allows Punk to blast Hardy with the GTS sending him to the finals. Jeff comes down to aid his brother, but meets a 2-on-1 assault, with Punk finally introducing us to his friend, Colt Cabana.
Then we come to the PPV, we have a Cena/Orton rematch but the talk is of Punk vs Kennedy in the finals to see who gets Cena next.
Cena is again out to watch the match, Cabana tries to interfere but Cena cuts him off, another man comes out of the crowd and assists Punk in nailing Kennedy with a GTS to score the victory. Punk now gives us Ace Steel and calls themselves the Second City Saints and tells us that they are better than us.
So now Punk is the number one contender and has wins over Batista and Kennedy to give him credibility. Now as we bulid to Cena-Punk, we have the potential for Cena to take on Cabana and Steel, as well as maybe involving the Hardy's to lead to somethign down the road (and to end MVP/Matt eventually).
Now, to start the Punk/Cena fued. Cena of course will congratulate Punk on winning the tournament as it was certainly unpredictable. Punk just slaps Cena in the face. Cabana and Steel attack Cena and Punk goes on about how the SCS are the new face of Raw.
Next week we get Cena and Jeff Hardy vs Ace Steel and Colt Cabana in their debut matches. Cena looks to have the match won when Punk gets involved and Cabana scores a roll up for a shock upset. Cena obvilously unhappy wants Punk right away, but instead we get the SCS vs Cena and 2 partner next week. Cena asks Jeff to be his partner, but Jeff refuses, saying he already has a match. Cena comes down alone and tries to fight them three on one, but gets brutalized with all three men repeatedly kneeing him in the face until Punk shows some mercy and tells Steel to pin him.
The next week Punk comes out and says that both Cabana and Steel have pinned Cena and soon Punk will do it, one on one with the WWE Title on the line. Cena comes out but is a mess and Regal refuses to let him wrestle. But he puts the SCS in action against the new WWE tag Team Champions Cryme Tyme and The Sandman, which doesn't last very long after teh SCS kill them.
The Saints are now riding high with a lot of momentum on their side, but Regal has one more thing in store for them, a shot at the Tag Titles. Steel and Cabana look to have the match won, but Cena charges down and takes them both out with his title causing a DQ when he sees Punk try to interfere. Cena gets a hold of Punk and gives him the FU leading to the big match up.
Earlier in the evening, Cabana and Steel win the tag titles in a rematch. Cena manages to escape the GTS and come back with his 5-moves of doom. Punk is able to counter the FU though adn they continue to try and hit their signature moves. Punk finally tries something different and does a dominator into a GTS that catches Cena off guard and scores the three and title.
Rob: Now that's the first time I've read a major ROH involved in WWE that actually worked. I don't think the E would ever let them be called the Second City Saints, but it's a very good way of introducing Steel and Cabana. Most of the time we get blinded ROH fans writing a submission that basically turns WWE into ROH with no attention paid to credibility of, y'know, how to make money. BUT, it's not all roses and puppy-dogs. This submission basically has Raw bend Smackdown and ECW over and…um…well I guess the Politically Correct term is "Surprise Sex". What the hell is happening on the other brands when this tournament is taking place? John Morrison and The Great Khali, twiddling their thumbs and crying themselves to sleep because no one gives a shit about their championship belts. Having the other two brands compete for Raw's title reduces both Smackdown and ECW to nothing more than the warm-up act. I also have an issue with Cena being treated like a complete bitch during his CM Punk feud. Oh sure, Cena gets in on FU on Punk before their title match, but other than that he gets "Surprise Sexed" each and every week. Then, at the end of the feud, when Cena has been consistently beaten down and taken advantage of…he loses the pay-off match! Might as well call him Samoa Joe after that. That's such a blow to Cena's credibility and future career.
Dan: It's certainly an interesting idea but something that would work much better in ECW or the mid-card of one of the other two brands. Again, it's something I'd really mark for but would it make money? Two relative unkowns show up, form a stable with a guy who's never won squat in the E and suddenly they are a threat to John Cena and Cryme Tyme? I wouldn't buy it if it wasn't the Saints.
As ever we wrap things up on the Payload with our very own ideas for how to book John Cena's next feud.
Rob: With Orton being dispatched at Summerslam, GM Regal sets up a series of Wild Card Challenges for Cena to face over the next few Raws. Jeff Hardy returns as the first Wild Card, puts on an impressive fight but ultimately loses. The following week sees The Sandman receive the Wild Card title shot, but he also comes up short. Snitsky gets the third Wild Card and proceeds to kick the living crap out of Cena. However, Snitsky being Snitsky he fights so wild and illegally he gets himself disqualified instead of winning. The final Wild Card Challenge sees Ron Simmons come out of retirement to take on Cena. Still rattled from last week, Cena actually has a tough time as Ron puts up a hell of a fight. One convenient ref bump later and Snitsky comes running down to the ring, kicks Cena in the head to knock him clean out. Ron Simmons makes the pin and becomes the new WWE Champion. DAMN! Now I fucking dare you not to buy Unforgiven just to see what the fuck is going on.
Dan: I say if Mick Foley wants to get on TV more then they should damn well put him on TV. So, let's say Cena's stood in the ring on Raw, telling everybody how he's beaten everybody there is to beat. Cue Mick Foley who comes out doing his cuddly teddy bear stuff, saying how much he respects Cena, cheap pop, but he's never beaten him. This leads to a one-on-one match at No Mercy where Cena takes it after a good 15 minute match. Foley loses to the FU. The next night on Raw, Foley attacks Cena during a match and bloodies him up with barby. No more Mr. Nice Guy – he wants Cena at Cyber Sunday. Fans vote on the stip – submission, hardcore, street fight. The fans chose a street fight and Foley gives it everything he's got but has to tap out when Cena uses barbed-wire on Foley's face while applying the STFU.
Foley steps it up in his attempt to win the title, blasting Cena with a steel chair on an episode of Raw to send him off the side of the stage and through two tables. This leads to a Hell in a Cell match at Survivor Series. This match is as brutal as the last, but this time Foley takes it, capturing the title for the 4th time. A rematch is booked for Armageddon – only this time it gets even more brutal – the first ever barbed-wire match in WWE history. It's bloody, it's brutal, there's fire and barbed wire! Cena eventually wins the title back. Cena is put over huge, Foley is now a threat to whoever he faces going into WrestleMania and we get at least 3 wicked matches out of it.
Homework Assignment: The following wrestlers have been named and shamed in the Wellness Scandal and suspended/released.
- Randy Orton
- Adam Copeland (Edge)
- Charlie Haas
- Robert Huffman (King Booker)
- Shane Helms
- Mike Bucci (Simon Dean)
- Anthony Carelli (Santino Marella)
- John Hennigan (John Morrison)
- Darren Matthews (William Regal)
- Ken Anderson (Kennedy)
- Chavo Guerrero
In the wake of these names being taken off the roster (except for Randy Orton. He's special. Someone tricked him into taking drugs), pick one or two existing WWE Superstars and elevate them through the ranks to the main event.
Try and keep your submission down to one and half Word pages. Maximum of two pages. And sent all submission to thefinkspayload@gmail.com.
