You're An Idiot And Here's Why 9.06.07: The WWE Wellness and Talent Problems
Posted by Rob Halden on 09.06.2007
Rob Halden gives his professional and unbiased opinion on the WWE's Wellness and talent problems. And by this, we mean he calls them names and kicks them when they're down.
Holy Jesus Christ the WWE is imploding! I mean, shit! It's raining cats and dogs it that locker room! The end is fucking nigh! There's so much to talk about I don't even have time for a decent intro! LET'S DO THIS!
This Week's Idiot: WWE
As the shadow of congress falls across the WWE, people run around like headless chickens and generally crap themselves backstage. Problems began brewing for the WWE after the tragic and horrible deaths of Chris Benoit and his family. This event focused national attention on the WWE and the suspected reason behind the murder/suicides. Namely, the abuse of steroids. Suddenly the media stumbled across the tragic deaths of far too many young wrestlers, events which had slipped by the public consciousness for years. The swirling frenzy of media attention on what was now being seen as the "seedy" world of professional wrestling called for action by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform to investigate drug abuse in the profession.
After Eddie Guerrero died as a direct consequence of his drug-addiction, the WWE instigated what they called a Wellness Policy. Stupid-as-fuck name, but with the intention of monitoring drug abuse in the WWE. Cynics may well say this was merely the WWE trying to cover their own back before some outside government agency forced a drug policy on them. But the WWE are on record for actively helping wrestlers like Eddie and William Regal into rehab.
More recently the press broke a story in which 11 WWE Superstars have been accused of buying steroids online from Signature Pharmacy. The Superstars named in the article are King Booker, Umaga, John Morrison, Charlie Haas, Adam Copeland, Ken Kennedy, Sylvan Grenier, Shane Helms, Simon Dean, Santino Marella, William Regal, Chavo Guerrero and Randy Orton. A further story by ESPN added the names of Funaki, Chris Masters and Batista to the list. As a direct result of this story Simon Dean, former wrestler and current backstage worker/trainer, was fired from WWE.
This week's Raw saw Umaga drop the Intercontinental Championship in order for him to be suspended and taken off television. Raw's newly appointed General Manager William Regal had to be injured by John Cena so he could be suspended and taken off television. Ken Kennedy was due to be revealed as Mr. McMahon's illegitimate son in the biggest angle of the summer, but the WWE had to turn 180 on the storyline so they could suspend Kennedy and remove him from television. On ECW this week John Morrison dropped the ECW Championship to CM Punk, so he can be suspended and taken off television.
Is…is there anybody left?
Well the WWE also released Cryme Tyme from their contracts, the most over tag team on the roster, in what looks to be an unrelated matter.
Oh yeah, and then there's the small mater of Rick fucking Flair quitting!
First and foremost people, let's ask the question that's on everybody's minds. William Regal is taking steroids? For…for real? Where the hell do they go on him? Does he have a really, really muscular and pumped-up arse that I've just never witnessed? Seriously Regal, you've gotta learn to read the instructions on your allegedly-illegally-obtained-steroids, because there's no way in HELL you're using them properly.
Anyway, the WWE has no one to blame but themselves for this whole, sorry mess. Vinnie and co all went to school like the rest of us, they all know drugs are bad, mmmkay? They've all had Sniffer The Drug Dog inform them in a school assembly just how illegal drugs are. They all must have seen that episode of Saved By The Bell where Slater got hooked on steroids over the course of one afternoon, and things went very badly for him until Zack and the gang pulled him back from the brink of addiction and everybody went to The Max to celebrate. There's just no fucking excuse after that. And yet mainstream professional wrestling, from WWE, to the old WCW and the current TNA, still has an unhealthy obsession with ‘roid-junkies and big men. They still continue to push, elevate and showcase individuals who's bodies can only look that way due to the intake of enhancing drugs like steroids (not all enhancing drugs are illegal, and not all steroids are illegal). McMahon's own particular obsession comes from the fact that he's a body-building fan…
[Intermission - Hmmm. Vince McMahon really, really likes body-building, eh? Hmmm. And he really, really likes lots of muscular men in very, very small trunks, does he? Hmmmm. And he constantly fills his television programs with stories about how he's totally straight and always banging hot chicks and isn't even a little bit gay, doesn't he? Hmmmmmmm.]
…and so reserves a very special push for guys like Luger, Chris Master, Bobby Lashley and Terrifying Roid-Freak HHH from a few years ago.
And if steroids weren't enough, pain-killers plague the WWE like…um…like one of them Biblical plagues. Locusts! They plague the WWE like locusts. Hell, if pain-killers had been around in Biblical times (i.e. fictional world) then I'm sure God would have sent a plague of pain-killers instead of a plague of locusts. Professional wrestling must be one of the hardest and most grueling jobs on the planet. The performers constantly subject their bodies to physical strains and stresses, bumps and breaks. And the WWE's touring schedule is in-fucking-sane. I couldn't work their schedule from behind a desk, let alone getting beat up and tossed around six days a week. Factor in the constant traveling between shows, the complete lack of time to rest and recuperate and the atmosphere of ‘working-through-the-pain' for a wrestler to keep a spot on the card he's worked hard to obtain, and it's a self-destructive business. Pain-killers, for many, are par the course. And guess what? The WWE knows this. The WWE has always known this.
The WWE has a huge roster of athletes working for them, and yet for glorious legal and tax reasons the organization runs itself with the wrestlers all being officially deemed ‘self-employed'. Which means what? No union and fuck all worker's rights. What does every other professional organization of working athletes have installed? Drug policies. When did the WWE (operating since 1982) install their first-ever drug policy? November 2005, and only then after the death of a popular, beloved and high-ranking Superstar.
The responsibility for taking drugs lies with the person taking the drugs and the person, or organization supplying the drugs. Does that sound right? Well, yeah it is. But it's also a far too simplistic way of viewing any drug situation. What are the drugs a symptom of? Why are people taking drugs? Why does an environment exist in which people feel the need to take drugs? The WWE should have taken preventative steps to protect their business interests (including their talent and their public image). Clearly they did not.
This directly effects the WWE product. Just from that brief re-cap I gave at the top of the column, it's evident that the WWE is on creatively rocky ground. Their roster was lack-luster just one week ago, before the returns of HHH and Rey Mysterio. Now we can see they've had to make two unplanned title switches, stalled the push of Umaga (fastly getting over as a much-needed face), stall the momentum of Regal's run as GM and alter the biggest wrestling angle of the summer by removing Mr. Kennedy from television. Can an already lack-luster roster suffer the loss of names like Kennedy, King Booker, Umaga, John Morrison and Regal? And What About Funaki?!!? What will happen to Funaki?!?!
Yet again the WWE have failed to protect themselves by failing to have any new stars they can push into the giant gaping holes on Raw (where's Lita when you want to make a good whore joke?). Is Snitsky in a position to become a major heel? Is the Sandman ready to carry the entire mid-card? With Charlie Haas gone, Raw is down to just two Tag Teams…although, actually, that's pretty normal for the WWE…
[ Intermission - Boy wouldn't you be stoked to be the Tag Team Champions on Raw! Those gold championship belts represent the fact that you and you alone are better than the one other tag team in your division. Wear them with pride, boys! Wear them with pride!]
…Unless Daivari and Cody Rhodes suddenly become freakin' awesome and crowd-pleasing overnight, Raw is screwed for 6 months. And when I say "screwed", I do of course mean "they'll be filling 45 minutes of Raw with the McMahon Family backstage skits". So there's that to look forward to. And hey, I've just come to the terrifying realization that the Women's Division now has more talent and star-power than the rest of Raw. Also, they have Maria, who's worth like a bazillion Jeff Hardy's.
And as if matters and morale could not get any worse, the shocking news that Ric Flair has quit the WWE was broken recently. Right now I'm standing up and applauding Ric Flair. WWE has treated this living legend like a jobber for too godamn long now. He has stated his intention to retire next year very publicly. So when exactly does the big Road To Naitch's Finale begin? At what stage do the WWE start building Flair up for his big send-off? Because honestly, the guy they've been showing on TV recently, the guy who gets beaten down by everyone in sight and never wins a match…I don't care when that guy retires. Ric Flair has taken the necessary action to protect his legacy and to ensure that WWE Creative don't fuck up his exit from the sport of kings. Rumors are circulating that WWE are trying to come to some arrangement with Naitch to bring him back for his last run. And really, the Dirtiest Player In The Game couldn't have picked a better time. WWE are hurting for some talent at the moment, and with guys like RVD, Jericho and HBK still sitting at home, Naitch can always step up to that position. The WWE have had a HUGE talent vacuum in Smackdown's main event for some time now, a situation in which Ric Flair was quite possibly the most over guy on the roster. And what did WWE do with that? Nothing. They had him play damsel-in-distress for Batista to come rescue. Ric can play any number of roles on TV, he's incredible on the microphone and he is still one of the best and most entertaining workers in the ring. Seeing Ric Flair win that battle royal for the vacated World Heavyweight Championship a few months ago would have made Smackdown must-see-TV for thousands of wrestling fans.
For the WWE to let an act and a talent like Ric Flair slip through their fingers amid this storm of low morale, controversy and suspensions is sloppy as fuck. The WWE needs to get its house in order. And fast.
You're An Idiot Because – You're Not Protecting Your Interests
