Cut To The Crap 9.07.07: A Real Bad PPV, Spin The Wheel Make The Deal, & WWE On Arsenio
Posted by Magnus Donaldson on 09.07.2007
A new 411 column featuring your weekly dose of Wrestlecrap style goodness. This week featuring Jake Roberts at the Heroes of Wrestling PPV, Spin The Wheel Make The Deal, and the WWF on the Arsenio Hall Show. And I don't hate Jake Roberts.
Welcome to the first ever edition of Cut To The Crap, a new weekly column here on 411. Yeah, the title sucks, but I did have alternatives like The Craptacular Column and Cutting The Crap, but they all sounded too cheesy. Of course if anyone has an alternative name then please feel free to let me know.
So I hear you all crying "What is this column about Magnus?". Well, there's a clue in the name. Each week I will be taking a look at three of pro wrestling's crappiest moments in a typically smarky, Wrestlecrap style fashion. I'll be looking at everything from bad matches, awful gimmicks, terrible angles, horrendous interviews, mad mess-ups and just about every other moment of stupidity that happened inside a pro wrestling ring (or backstage). And of course Youtube links. Hurray!!! Well, that is if I can find one for each segment, which is unlikely.
So I expect your anxiously awaiting my three items for this week. I am too, so without further ado, let's Cut To The Crap.
Crappy Moment Number One: Jake The Snake Roberts Enters The Heroes Of Wrestling PPV
I see a lot of people who complain about how awful some WWE TV and PPV shows are. Likewise I see a lot of people who complain about the poor quality of TNA PPV's and TV. Clearly these people don't remember what a real bad PPV is. A PPV like The Heroes Of Wrestling.
The card consisted of awful match after awful match involving washed up old wrestlers. The only match that didn't go into negative stars involved Too Cold Scorpio and Julio Fantastico (that's Julio Dinero for those who don't know) and even then it was extremely sloppy. But nothing could compare to the main event.
The writing was on the wall from the start as Jake cuts a promo that is slurred and drunken to the point that we can barely understand a word he says. He looks like he's having to use the interviewer just to stand. My favorite quote out of this incoherent ramble of a promo would be: "You don't want to play cards with me because I cheat. Okay? I cheat. You wanna play 21? I've got 22. You want to play blackjack? I've got two of those too,"
So our scheduled match is Jake The Snake vs. Jim Neidhart. However things would soon change due to Jake's 'antics', and we would soon find out why Damian was announced as 'Jake's little friend'.
Jake proceeds to come to ringside, leave Damian there then go back to the locker room. He does realize he has a match right? As Jim stalls for time, Jake comes back out and proceeds to have a female fan 'rub his chest' before getting in the ring. After more stalling, we get some actual wrestling (wow). A shame it was a slow and plodding two-three minutes, almost like they were in slow motion.
As Damian escapes from his bag (and more stalling occurs), Jake spots him and decides to whip out the snake. He puts it between his legs and, well, pretends it's a different sort of snake, and then lies on the mat with it. Visually that was as bad as it sounds.
At this point the booker finally realizes how awful this is, but rather than doing something to help it he decides to throw out King Kong Bundy and Yokozuna, two wrestlers who are nearly as washed up as Jake is (with Yokozuna so big he can barely move around the ring).
So the match becomes a tag, and the announcer sums it up perfectly: "We've got a big mess here". And then some guy comes out in Bundy's corner to talk to him and be his manager, and the announcers call him, and I quote, a "Mini-me Bundy". Even though he's roughly the same size as Jim Neidhart. I wish I was making this up. I'm guessing the only reason he was out there was to explain the new plan to Jim Neidhart, because his attempts at interference were terrible (a choke he did on Jake looked like he was rubbing Jake's neck a bit)
Eventually, after excruciatingly painful minute after excruciatingly painful minute, King Kong Bundy pins Roberts with a Splash (with the quickest three count I've ever seen). And in the aftermath, Yokozuna tries to get Jake to DDT the "little Bundy" or "man with no-name" as he was being called, but since he was stumbling around too much Yokozuna does it himself. And a final word from our announcers: "That was hard to watch". Yeah, that's about right.
Now that we have rounded off Crappy Moment Number One, it's time to move onto the second of this week's column.
Crappy Moment Number Two: Sting and Jake Roberts: Spin The Wheel Make The Deal
Now this is a segment any WCW fan will cringe about. Not because it was hyping Halloween Havoc, but because this segment was so terrible. Allow me to explain, this was a little vignette designed to determine a stipulation for Sting vs. Jake Roberts at Halloween Havoc 1992, where they'd spin a wheel and "Make The Deal, i.e. the stipulation.
The scene is set as we see someone walking towards a bar. It's a woman, and as the barman says "Spin The Wheel", she utters three fateful words: "Make the deal". We then see some angry bikers and we get our first look at Jake Roberts. If it wasn't for Jake Roberts appearing, then maybe you'd think you switched the channel by accident.
The people in the bar are almost religiously chanting those six words now: "Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal". As if we didn't know already. But before the wheel can be spun (by some woman who earlier seemed to almost be in love with the lever), our hero walks in the door. Why it's Sting of course. In wrestling gear no less. Does he go around in his ring gear all day or something? I mean, what do you think would happen if a guy in face paint and lycra walked into a bar full of bikers. I'll leave you to decide that one.
Jake Roberts and Sting then have a 'heated' war of words, where Sting takes a page out of my book by telling Roberts to "Cut The Crap" And I thought WCW were supposed to be family friendly at this point in time. So this whole little war of words was basically Jake Roberts telling Sting how to spin a wheel. Big deal.
And Sting issues his hate filled response by telling Roberts that "He ain't afraid of no wheel", and to prove that very point he decides it's time to Spin The Wheel. The anticipation is huge. What possibly could the match be? It's a ...... oh wait, they fired lasers out of their eyes so we didn't see it, and then we get the "To Be Continued" message.
So to summarize, this segment basically announced that the stipulation for their Halloween Havoc match would be announced at Halloween Havoc. Because I mean you wouldn't get people buying if you told them the stipulation beforehand would you. After all, say Sting and Jake Roberts were announced in a cage match, that surely wouldn't make you want to buy the show right there an then would it. Of course not, how silly that would be.
And what did the stipulation turn out to be. A Coal Miner's Glove match. Which headlined the show. I don't know what you'd rather have seen.
No Youtube links for this one, thank goodness.
And now we move onto our final crappy moment for this weeks' column. Ladies and Gentlemen, Crappy Moment Number Three
Crappy Moment Number Three: Mo' Better Bruise
This is the showcase match from The Arsenio Hall Show back near the time of Survivor Series 1991 (I don't have the exact date but I'm sure it's not that hard to find). The match itself is not that bad, but the commentary sends this to the world of Crapdom. And that title: why did they call it that? I don't see anyone called Mo and there was no bruising here.
Jake Roberts is on commentary for this one. Before you write in, no I don't have anything against Jake Roberts. He just through a complete coincidence turned out to be in all three of my chosen segments for this week's column. We get a little interview with him where he tells us that he's scouting for Survivor Series. Nothing wrong with this so far. And he would be joined on commentary by Arsenio Hall (this is his show after all) and Mene Gene Okerlund.
The Nasty Boys are in first, with their dastardly manager Jimmy Hart, and they are facing WWF Tag Team Champions the Legion Of Doom. But before we can start the National Anthem must be sung of course. And then we go for a break.
When we come back the match hasn't started (hey, if this is live they must have stalled for a long time). But then it does and it isn't half bad. The problem however is some shoddy camerawork and Arsenio Hall's complete lack of knowledge of the sport of pro wrestling. His insight on a clothesline for example was "that was the move that they used on Rodney King", and that the match was "real loud" and "ugly".
Mene Gene Okerlund isn't much better though. He tells us that Hulk Hogan will be taking on "The Grim Reaper" at Survivor Series rather than the Undertaker as originally thought (since the Undertaker was not mentioned by name, I guess he was a last minute replacement).
The continued useful insights of Arsenio Hall on commentary include "he could have someone's eye out", and when the dastardly Nasty Boys use Jimmy Hart's megaphone, he tells us that "they hit him with the bull horn". Well, at least he can state the obvious.
Of course in typical LOD style they no sold it and won less than 30 seconds later with the Doomsday Device on Jerry Sags. Even though the pin fall could have been broken up incredibly easy since Brian Knobbs was right next to him, but he seemed more interested in rolling about on the ground.
And after the match Jake Roberts gets his snake out (Damian of course), and the LOD and Nasty Boys brawl some more for no reason. Then they have a stare down before we finally end this madness.
No clips of this available on Youtube either I'm afraid. A shame I'm sure.
And now that the crap has been wiped under the mat, here are a few of my thoughts on the world of wrestling this week (though mainly ROH related).
My Thoughts
Mitsuhara Misawa is on his way to ROH, and in a main event worthy of any NOAH show. He is teaming with KENTA to take on ROH World Champion Takeshi Morishima and Naomichi Marufuji. I hear some people complaining about no ROH names being involved in this match, but the truth is, what did you expect? Misawa is unlikely to be jobbing on either show, but the only ROH names I see being not only worthy of facing him, but keeping the match at NOAH main event level would be Bryan Danielson and Nigel McGuinness, and would you be wanting to job either of them out when they need to be built as challengers to Takeshi Morishima's throne. I think the match will be very good despite the fans complaints.
Jack Evans is recruiting for his stable and has brought Ruckus into the fold. Ruckus has been heavily pushed for a place in ROH by a good deal of fans, while others see him as being too spotty. I personally think he can do at least as well as Matt Cross, if not better as he has a good deal more charisma, but he's really limited to high flying, spot filled matches. Still, he brings some new potential matches to the shows. As for the final new member, people are suggesting Human Tornado and Eddie Kingston. I'm leaning towards Eddie Kingston or possibly Ricky Reyes in this case since too many high flyers aren't a good idea, but I wouldn't rule out anyone.
Having enjoyed my recent fix of Chikara, I'm now beginning to wonder why a certain Chikara name hasn't received a real chance to shine in ROH yet: Gran Akuma. The guy is a talented mat wrestler and submission specialist, can hit hard and can fly, yet his only real chance to shine in ROH was in a Four Way Fray at the RTTT Tournament. While Hallowicked and Jigsaw have thrived on the main shows, Akuma has been on pre-shows and not much else. Some say he's to similar to Davey Richards, but for me Akuma is considerably more consistent than Richards is. Richards can have superb matches one show (e.g. his match with KENTA) and dire matches the next (his match with Pac), while Akuma can have solid to good matches with just about anyone (though outside of his match with Low-Ki has not had many really blow away matches yet). This guy really should be on main shows as much as possible, but I'm sure Gabe is just preparing him for big things since he's too good a talent to waste.
Anyway, that wraps up my column for this week. Tune in next week for three more craptacular moments in wrestling history, including Uncle Elmer, an Arm Wrestling match and Sable revealing a special mystery opponent.
And don't forget to send me some feedback, even if it's nasty, scathing comments. Maybe I'll post it in the column. Although if the comments are nasty then don't expect me to give a polite response.
