wrestling / Columns

You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 9.13.07: Tag Teams

September 13, 2007 | Posted by Rob Halden

It’s not fucking Hornswoggle, okay? You all want me to do Hornswoggle, don’t you? No. Fuck that. Too easy. I’m not even gonna comment on it, okay? So let’s just all move along quietly to this week’s main segment, okay?

…hey, c’mon now…get moving…

…look, I’m not fucking around here, I’m seriously not talking about Hornswoggle…

…dude, seriously…

…aaaaaah, fuck it, so that Hornswoggle thing was a trip, right? For those not in the know, and are unable to read the main page before coming straight to The Idiot, Hornswoggle was revealed as Mr. McMahon’s bastard son this past Monday night on Raw. Sucky pay-off to an extremely long angle? Well…yeah. But the WWE got hamstrung real quick on this one. Originally this huge angle was supposed to take the place of the aborted Death Of Mr. McMahon angle, Ken Kennedy was going to be revealed as a brand, spanking new McMahon and get his ass elevated like cizz-azy (we’re doing ghetto slang this week, try to keep up). But then Kennedy got caught up in the latest online-drug-buying scandal and his ass was suspended for 3-6 months. The writing staff let out a collective Ron Simmons (I’m not explaining that one) since they had no back-up plan. So this week the WWE pulled quite a bit of a swerve, as the viewing audience was expecting to be…well…something they gave a damn about.

But I don’t think it’s that bad. Look, we all knew it was gonna be Kennedy, so I was kinda bored by the angle. Then when he ducked out, we all knew it was gonna be Triple H. But it wasn’t. It was the Irish Midget Dude. I got swerved. You got swerved. No, come on now, don’t gimme that shit, you got swerved like everybody else.

So Hornswoggle ain’t the Idiot this week because they did the best with who was left, and didn’t force a perverted incest angle down out throats. And honestly, the little dude is pretty fucking over.

Okay, let’s get to the Idiot.

This Week’s Idiot: Tag Team Wrestling

I got a message this week from my esteemed 411mania colleague Mark Radulich.

First off, I love your column. I usually get one good laugh for each read and for that I applaud you. I still crack up whenever I go back and read your Randy Orton column (check it out readers, it’s got poop jokes in it!)

But enough of that…after watching No Surrender last night I have a suggestion for your next idiot of the week – TNA Tag Team Booking. For 3 straight PPV’s there has been one Tag Team Champion: Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle and (let’s be honest here) Ron Killings. Having one guy win the title or having a team where only one guy wrestles is rediculous. For every month that one guy has a title where by virtue of it’s name there should be two and teams like the Motor City Machine Guns or even Tomko and AJ styles don’t is disrespectful if not just plain bush league on the part of TNA.

TNA Tag Tam Booking, you’re an idiot because Tag Team means two people ya dolts!

Whilst I despise acknowledging the genius of anyone not named Rob F’n Halden, Mark makes a great point. Let’s start where he did with TNA. For their part at No Surrender TNA did have a HUGE tag team gauntlet match to determine the next #1 Contender. So let’s give them 5 points for that. Good start, TNA, let’s see if you can keep it up.

TNA’s first ever Tag Team Champions were Team 3-D, who were involved in the truly horrible Vince-Russo-Victory-Road-Overbooked-Match-Of-Crap. In which we had the World Champion Kurt Angle, team up with the X-Division Champion Samoa Joe to take on the Tag Team Champions Team 3-D. In this match every single championship was on the line, and whomever pinned whomever would win their championship? Confused as all-shit? Good, that’s how you know it’s a Vince Russo match. And during the course of that match Samoa Joe pinned Brother Ray and won the match…thus Samoa Joe become both of the Tag Team Champions…all on his own.

That’s – 10 points right there, TNA. You’re 5 points in the hole. Let’s see if you can drag yourselves out.

Samoa Joe then proceeded to defend his Tag Team Championship…on his own…against yet another person who is not a fucking tag team, Kurt Angle. Joe lost both of the Tag Team Titles that he was holding all on his own, to Kurt Angle. Kurt then proceeded to defend those titles…as a fucking tag team.

Well TNA, that’s another – 10 point for you, so…good one. You’re now standing at – 15. You’ve gotta come up with some good shit right now to pull yourself back, so what have you got up your sleeve TNA?

Well at No Surrender this past Sunday Kurt Angle actually got himself a tag team partner in the form of STING!…um, sorry about that…I marked out a little bit there. Anyway, Kurt Angle and Sting defended and lost the Tag Team Titles against the team of Ron Killings and NFL cornerback “Pacman” Jones. Now, Pacman Jones has been involved in a very public legal battle with his team the Tennessee Titans, and as a result of which he is legally unable to touch or be touched by anybody in TNA. He cannot wrestle. He cannot punch. He cannot slap. He can’t do anything other than stand in the corner, by himself and try to look mean. And everybody in TNA knows this, because Pacman Jones and Mike Tenay have told everybody. They’ve told the other wrestlers and they’ve told all of the audience.

So now TNA, you’ve segued from a one-man tag team to a tag team containing a guy who is not only not a wrestler, but who can’t actually MAKE A FUCKING TAG!

Right TNA. Let’s look at the scoreboard. You did have – 15 points, and now after that last move at No Surrender you’ve got… – 1, 000, 000 points. Fucking douche-bags.

The WWE, on the other hand, have two sets of Tag Team Championships and a whopping 6 tag teams to compete for them. Two tag teams on Smackdown, and four tag teams on Raw. In fact, the WWE felt that they had so man tag teams, they recently released Cryme Tyme from their contracts, as 7 tag teams would make the roster bloated and silly. Let’s all remember that Cryme Tyme were the single most over tag team on the roster when they were released. Let’s also remember that they hadn’t actually wrestled a match in like 8 months and, strictly speaking, were still the #1 Contenders.

Smackdown has two fucking tag teams! TWO! And the best part of that is that the tag team champions are not one of those tag teams! I really enjoy the pairing of Matt Hardy and MVP and I think it works wonders for their feud, but dear god in heaven am I sick and tired of having two singles stars team up to become the tag team champions. It is quite clear to everybody watching that the WWE hates tag teams. The WWE has a clear and active vendetta to wipe them from the face of the planet. Oh sure, tag team matches are nice and convenient for when they have no more ideas of how to an extend a singles feud until the next Pay Per View (just stick ‘em in tag matches for 4 weeks), but the WWE doesn’t want any actual tag teams on their programming.

Matt Hardy and MVP, Rated RKO, Kane and Big Show, John Cena and Shawn Michaels. Those are the only teams the WWE ever invests in. The pattern in the WWE is this.

Create a new gimmick-heavy tag team.
Get very excited about this new tag team.
Record lots of skits and video vignettes promoting said new tag team.
Debut new tag team! Best night ever! Wooo!
Have new tag team wins some matches! This is great!
New tag team win the Tag Team Championships! YAAAY!
Have the new tag team…ooooh look, something shiny! La la, la la la, dum-dee-dum-dee-dum.

The same damn thing happens each and every time. It’ll happen with that new retard tag team they’re pushing, Cleetus and Jesse or whoever. They’ll get a nice big push when they debut, beat every tag team on the roster, probably become tag team champions, and then the WWE will forget they even exist.

During 2000 to 2001 tag team wrestling made up the entire backbone of the WWE’s card. They were selling tickets based on the Dudleys/Hardys/Edge & Christian matches. They were making tons of money, putting on incredible matches (with or without ladders) and they made the Tag Team Titles mean something and worth something. The WWE currently has a huge fucking problem with their mid-card. Namely, they have some amazing talent, who all have nothing to do and nobody gives a shit about any of them. The Women’s Division means more than the Tag Team Division. Shit, with Hornswoggle getting the McMahon rub, the Cruiserweight Division means more. If the WWE would spend some time and effort into building two stable and competitive tag team divisions, they would see a boon in the mid-card and would be able to put on good, solid all-round shows, instead of top-heavy cards with nothing else going on below the main events.

You’re An Idiot Because – If You Don’t Want Tag Teams…Get Rid Of The Titles, Don’t Just Hand Them Out To Random People

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Rob Halden

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