The Thursday Slim-To-None News Report 09.20.07
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 09.20.2007
The Slim-To-None News Report is BACK, and I’ve got all the news concerning John Cena’s title reign, the No Mercy main event, and Bryan Danielson wrestling for WWE. Oh, now you KNOW you want to click.
Welcome one and welcome all to another edition of the Thursday Slim-To-None News Report. I know, I know, technically this is only the first edition of the Thursday Slim-To-None News Report, but I'm not really what you would call a details guy. The truth of the matter is that the Slim-To-None News Report has become a bit of a traveling circus here at 411. But hey, everybody loves the circus, right? Except for Cirque du Soleil. That shit is just way too weird and creepy and, um, French. Way too French. But I digress.
Wrestling News. It's Like Heroin for Dorks
You all know that I'm 411's own Quintessential Stud Muffin, but you may not be aware that I'm also one hell of good news reporter. Baby, I'm a regular Renaissance Man. So here's the drill. I'll throw out a couple of the most recent news stories to make their way across the 411 newswire, and then I'll give you what I know you came for: my honest, sincere, and always thought provoking opinions. And we're off…
Topic Number One: Cena and the Title, Sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
John Cena has now held the WWE Championship for 368 consecutive days. On Monday, September 24, Cena will have held the WWE Championship for 372 consecutive days and pass "Macho Man" Randy Savage to become the sixth longest-reigning WWE Champion in history.
The only champions with longer title reigns are Pedro Morales (1,027 days), Hulk Hogan (1,474 days), Bob Backlund (2,135 days), and Bruno Sammartino (2,803 days and 1,237 days).
This is a huge accomplishment for John Cena and, possibly more importantly, a great business decision by WWE. The WWE Champion is the public face of the company, but for too long the championship changed hands so frequently that it became impossible to clearly identify the championship with a single Superstar in the minds of all but the most dedicated of fans. Lengthy championship reigns bring both stability and credibility to the championship, and WWE is in desperate need of both at this moment.
In addition, not only am I happy that WWE has allowed a Superstar to hold the WWE Championship for more than a year, but I'm also pleased by the fact that the Superstar in question in John Cena. Cena is EXACTLY the kinds of guy that WWE needs as the public face of the company during a period when media scrutiny of the business is at a fever pitch. Cena is a consummate professional outside of the ring. I can't ever recall reading a story about his words or actions, backstage or out in the read world, causing trouble or creating controversy. He's polite, humble, and handles himself well in interviews. Oh, and over the course of the last year he has absolutely kicked ass in the ring. As far as I'm concerned, there is literally no downside to John Cena as WWE Champion.
It will be great to see Cena pass Savage to become the sixth longest-reigning WWE Champion in history, but I'm guessing that he won't be moving any farther up the list. The next milestone would be Pedro Morales' mark of 1,027 days, and I simply can't believe that we'll ever see a WWE Championship reign of that length again. Morales, Hogan, Backlund, and Sammartino can all rest assured that no Superstar will ever match their incredible accomplishments. But John Cena should be proud to even be mentioned in the same conversation with those legends. He's sure as hell earned it.
Topic Number Two: Fifteen Letters. Three Worlds. Last Man Standing. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?
The main event of WWE No Mercy will be John Cena vs. Randy Orton in a Last Man Standing Match for the WWE Championship.
This certainly isn't the decision that I would have made, but I can understand WWE's rationale. This will be the third consecutive pay-per-view match in which John Cena has defended the WWE Championship against Randy Orton. The feud between Cena and Orton has become lengthy enough and heated enough that a gimmick match certainly makes sense for their third encounter, and WWE has had tremendous luck with Last Man Standing Matches this year. John Cena defended the WWE Championship against Umaga at The Royal Rumble in an amazing Last Man Standing Match, and The Undertaker defended the World Heavyweight Championship against Batista at Backlash in a Last Man Standing Match that damn near literally tore the house down. I have absolutely no doubt that Cena and Orton can put on a legitimate Match of the Year Candidate if they are given enough time and simply allowed to tell the story on their own without being burdened by cumbersome booking. However, as I said, this still isn't the decision that I would have made.
First of all, let me reiterate that I completely agree that booking a gimmick match is the correct decision. Cena / Orton is the money feud in WWE at the moment, and it's time to take that feud to the next level. However, let's remember the kayfabe reasons why Jonathan Coachman made this match. First, he was upset that Cena "intentionally" got himself disqualified during his WWE Championship match against Orton at Unforgiven. Second, he was upset that Cena's father become involved in the action after the match and punted Randy Orton in the head. Thus you would assume that Coachman would want to make a match that addressed both of his concerns. A Last Man Standing Match certainly assures that neither competitor will be disqualified, but it does little to prevent outside interference. In fact, outside interference is completely legal in a Last Man Standing Match. It's not totally outside the realm of possibility to imagine a scenario in which we could see both John Cena's father AND Randy Orton's father become involved in the match. I would have liked to have seen Coachman make a match that would prevent any attempts at outside interference while also precluding the possibility of a disqualification. I would have liked to have seen a Hell in a Cell Match.
The Hell in a Cell Match certainly makes sense from a kayfabe point of view, but it also makes sense from a business point of view. First, we've already seen two high quality Last Man Standing Matches this year, and it will be difficult for Cena / Orton to live up to the standard set by Cena / Umaga and Undertaker / Batista. Second, it's been more than a year since we've seen a Hell in a Cell Match. The last Hell in a Cell Match was Degeneration X vs. Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and The Big Show at Unforgiven 2006, and that match had as much comedy as drama. The last time we saw a legitimate singles Hell in a Cell Match was The Undertaker vs. Randy Orton at Armageddon 2005. Now is the perfect time for Hell in a Cell to return to WWE, and Cena / Orton would have been the perfect opportunity.
However, I also understand that WWE would have two problems with the practicality of booking Cena / Orton in a Hell in a Cell Match. First, for whatever reason, WWE has clearly come to believe that each and every Hell in a Cell match absolutely requires the involvement of either Triple H or The Undertaker. There have been twelve pay-per-view Hell in a Cell Matches in WWE history, and all of them have involved Triple H and / or The Undertaker. Vince McMahon clearly believes that these are the two men who can be relied upon to consistently produce the kind of action and intensity that the WWE fans have come to expect from a Hell in a Cell Match. However, I would assert that at some point WWE is going to have to take a chance and let the new generation have their shot at the Cell. Cena has been on fire this year, and Orton may be having the best matches of his career. If WWE were ever going to take their chances on a pay-per-view Hell in a Cell Match without Triple H or The Undertaker, then this would be the time.
The second problem with the practicality of booking Cena / Orton in a Hell in a Cell Match is that Batista is booked to defend the World Heavyweight Championship against The Great Khali in a Punjabi Prison Match on the same night, and I seriously don't think it would be possible to book both a Hell in a Cell and a Punjabi Prison Match on the same night. Both of those types of cages hang above the ring during the rest of the matches on the card, and I have no idea how you would go about trying to hang them both for the same event. Of course, my solution would be to forget about the Punjabi Prison Match. The gimmick is complicated and burdensome by its very nature, and I would be greatly surprised if the match significantly adds to the quality of the show. On the other hand, I do believe that a Cena / Orton Hell in a Cell Match could save a mediocre show and make a good show into a great show. But like I said, at the end of the day, I still to agree with WWE that Cena / Orton in a Last Man Standing match could be spectacular.
Topic Number Three: Random News
So here's the deal. I usually only have something important or relevant to say for two or three stories every time I do one of these News Reports. Okay, that's not quite true. I usually only have something random or pointless to say for two or three stories every time I do one of these News Reports. At any rate, that usually means there are some smaller stories that I have to skip over completely, but this time I thought I'd collect them all and throw them together in their own little section. They may be small stories, but even small stories need some lovin'.
– Naomi has been eliminated from the 2007 Diva Search competition.
– Former WWE Diva Dawn Marie has opened up her official website at dawnmarieonline.com and her MySpace page at myspace.com/dawnmarieonline.
– Samoa Joe recently filmed a small role as well as did some stunt work for the CBS TV Series "Jericho."
– Samoa Joe is on the latest edition of TNA Today, discussing the roll on the show.
– Midway Games is planning a major presentation for the Bound for Glory weekend. This is to help begin the buzz for the first TNA video game, which is looking to be released in 2008.
– Bravo, in Great Britain, is working on picking up the complete two hour Impact expansion.
– TNA's Mobile Service has confirmed the final five participants in the Knockouts Gauntlet: * ODB * Angel Williams * Talia Madison * Shelly Martinez * Amazing Kong Already confirmed for the match were: * Christy Hemme * Gail Kim * Ms. Brooks * Jackie Moore * Roxxy Laveaux.
– Monday Night Raw scored a 3.3 rating this week off of hours of 3.2 and 3.5. This is down from last week's 3.9 rating. Monday Night Football on ESPN scored a 9.1 cable rating, up from last week's 8.6 rating.
– AM RAW did a 0.8 rating over the weekend.
– The TNA Impact replay did a 0.5 rating on Saturday night.
– Hogan Knows Best did a 1.7 rating for the normal 10PM airing and a 1.2 for the 10:30PM airing. The noon airing did a 1.1 rating, the midnight airing did a 0.9, and the 5PM airing did a 0.6.
Hey, do you like dese hoes? Yeah? Well, I got her number. How do you like D-Shows?
Forgive me. That really was the stupidest into ever. But it made me giggle, so I had to keep it. Anyway, most of you probably know that I made my name here at 411 by writing the Best Damn Heat Report on the Net each and every week, so it should come as no surprise that I have a special place in my heart for all of the WWE D-Shows. Over the years we've been treated to a number of D-Shows including Heat, Velocity, Jakked, and Metal, and in their own way each of these shows has added to the rich history of WWE. One of my favorite aspects of these shows is that the developmental talent featured in the frequent squash matches sometimes go on to become huge names in the business, and so watching these shows gives you a sneak peak at tomorrow's stars. So now, Slim-To-None Productions, in association with YouTube Pictures, presents The Best of the WWE D-Show Squash Matches.
Samoa Joe vs. Essa Rios from WWE Jakked
AJ Styles vs. The Hurricane from WWE Metal
Low Ki vs. Essa Rios from WWE Jakked
Low Ki vs. Christian from WWE Heat
And now, my personal favorite. Baby, this is fucking historic shit right here. We've got a future ROH Champion facing a future WWE Champion. And get a load of those yellow pants. What the hell was he thinking? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…
Bryan Danielson vs. John Cena from WWE Velocity
Without Wrestling, I'd Have Nothing to Watch but "Studio 60"
Wait, Studio 60 got cancelled? MOTHER FUCKER! No, seriously, am I being Punk'd or something? NBC seriously cancelled the best show this side of Boston Legal? SERIOUSLY? Dude, I need a drink…
Monday on Raw, Randy Orton introduced John Cena to the wonderful world of hardcore bondage. You know, ropes and handcuffs and the whole deal. It was kinky, and kinda hot. Daniel Wilcox covered this episode in his 09.17.07 411's WWE Raw Report.
Tuesday on ECW on Sci-Fi, Stevie Richards channeled Lita and laid down for three other men. And what did we all learn, class? That's right. Much like Bill Clinton jokes, Lita jokes will NEVER get old. Michael Bauer covered this episode in his 09.18.07 411's ECW on Sci-Fi Report. J.D. Dunn covered this episode in his 09.18.07 ECW eXperience.
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of the Thursday Slim-To-None News Report. Feel free to email me with any thoughts or, um, good barbeque recipes. JR, I'm lookin' at you.
Meehan's in tomorrow. Small will be back next week. I know, I know, I'm not happy about it either. Later.
