The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 10.04.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 10.04.2007
Quite an Uneventful News Week, Ain’t It?
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting…
Yes, yes…
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Can I talk my shit again?
Before I even start, let me first say how excited am I about being on the 411 News Reporter team. With JP's latest addition to our roster, I feel we have not only the best lineup of News Reporters on the entire internet (dealing with wrestling of course) but also the most diverse. You don't believe me? I dare you find a more diverse and entertaining lineup. Regardless…
Welcome back to another edition of the Official 411 Gossip Rag, the Thursday Small-For-All News Report. In today's report, we take a look at a wrestler who might have been abducted by aliens, hell freezing over, the latest in the Number 22 speculation, and most importantly, a simulation-free look at Sunday's "history making" PPV.
With lots to talk about, I shouldn't continue rambling… Nope, I won't.
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Even Heroes Have the Right to Bleed
Without a doubt, the biggest news to hit this week was the serious injury to John Cena placing another superstar into the IR. From WWE.com, "WWE Champion John Cena has suffered a complete tear of his right pectoral tendon and is heading into surgery, according to noted orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews. Because of the seriousness of the injury, WWE officials will not allow Cena to compete this Sunday at No Mercy, and he will have no choice but to surrender the title."
Of course, this is just the latest in the ongoing bad luck for the WWE. Seriously, 2007 is turning into the worst year ever for Vince McMahon. From multiple world champion injuries (Taker, Edge, Cena) to Chris Benoit's murder/suicide to the never-ending steroid saga, I bet Vince really wishes he didn't mess with God a few years ago.
Regarding the champ (or should I say ex-champ), it's really unfortunately that John Cena had to lose the title in this regard. Originally after the injury was announced, Cena stated that he would nonetheless fight at No Mercy. While we all wanted to see Cena lose the title in the ring (whenever that would happen), at least common heads prevailed and Cena went straight into surgery (which has already been reported as being 100% successful).
Of course, this now fucks up the WWE's short and long term plans. While long term, Cena was not being planned as champion (if you were to recall, the plans for Wrestlemania include Triple H and Ken Kennedy) so there was a very good chance that Randy Orton was to win the WWE title at some point. However, with Cena being out for six to eight months, he will surely miss Wrestlemania. That surely was something the WWE did not have in mind.
In the short term, on Sunday, there will be a crowning of a new WWE Champion. And unlike year's past, when the WWE would announce any sort of hint at the match, no details are known as to who the participants are. Rumors are running wild that such participants might include Randy Orton (what a shock), the Undertaker (I doubt that), Triple H (no way!), Umaga, Val Venis (NOT Val Venis), and of course, Chris Jericho (highly unlikely Wilcox). Personally, I think a Reverse Battle Royal would be the best way to solve this Championship dilemma. No, I'm kidding. Just give John Morrison a shot is all I'm asking for.
Coming to Fox this Fall: Hoss Swap
According to the Wrestling Observer, "There is talk of Mark Henry moving to Raw and Umaga switching over to the Smackdown brand. Vince McMahon likes the idea of an Undertaker vs. Umaga program."
Of course, this would thoroughly alter the hoss heavy Cyber Sunday main event featuring Batista, the Great Khali, Mark Henry, and the Undertaker. Of course, I wouldn't complain if Umaga takes Henry's place as Umaga > Henry any day of the week. What's really surprising here is that this is the first trade that actually benefits Smackdown in a really long time. Lastly, even though I would enjoy the Taker/Umaga program, I just hope Umaga isn't scared of random supernatural acts of violence.
Save Us 222_ Save the World
Much news this week from the Wrestling Observer on the Save Us vignettes. Let's break the walls down!
Jericho was being courted hard by TNA for him to be on their debut two hour show. Since this didn't happen, TNA believed he was WWE bound.
While TNA offers a much lighter work schedule, I think Jericho realizes that the WWE would be the best place for him. In addition to being able to finally release a career-spanning DVD, the WWE and Jericho have had such a great partnership in the past that it would be foolish to burn that bridge.
This Sunday's ppv is at the SAME LOCATION as Jericho's WWE debut on Raw in August of 99.
OMG no way!
222" appears to be a scripture from the "Book of Joshua", Chapter 2, with the 22nd word in the book being "Jericho"
I wonder if Meltzer reads Wilcox.
Perhaps the 222nd day of the year back in 99 that Jericho debuted back on Raw to "save us all"
That was actually the 221st day. So no, it can't possibly be Jericho.
Court Bauer (no longer with the company) came up with the marketing idea for this back in June, when it was believed Jericho was close to returning.
I have no idea how a person could possibly think up something like this, but I'm sure glad he did.
Well it's no Al Wilson/Dawn Marie storyline, but it's all we got
From the Wrestling Observer, upcoming possible Vickie Guerrero GM plans include:
Michael Hayes was the one who pushed for the heart attack route in the Kristal/Teddy wedding storyline. He had been wanting to an angle involving Viagra for quite some time. The Viagra induced heart attack on the wedding night had actually been scripted since June.
The plan was for Vickie Guerrero (and at one time Kristal but she's likely staying babyface) to get hold of Long's medical records, find out about the medical condition, and orchestrate this whole thing out of the storyline. The big goal of this storyline is to turn Vickie into a major heel.
The plan is now for Vickie to turn heel, and then turn her wrath against Rey in particular, to do a Hispanic version of Stone Cold vs. Vince McMahon. She is also likely to fire Kristal.
The plan for Kristal was for her to move to raw following the storyline. She's currently in a real life relationship with Bobby Lashley and he asked Vince McMahon if she could move to raw to be with him. However, Lashley is out of acton till at least December, so that may be held off for a few more months."
Woo-hoo. Now I'm not sure if Vickie has the acting chops of a Mr. McMahon but I guess we shall see. Thing is with Rey Mysterio bring such a large Hispanic population to the show, Vince might as well go all out with it. The key is to not recycle the Stone Cold vs. McMahon storyline verbatim but to spin it off into a Telemundo soap opera.
Balls Not to be Fired Anytime Soon
According to the Observer, "The Kelly Kelly/Miz/Balls Mahoney storyline has been entirely booked by Dusty Rhodes. He's very hands on when it comes to this storyline as he is laying out everything in it. Rhodes came up with the storyline a few months ago, then pitched it to Stephanie, and she gave her approval for it. Both Rhodes and Vince have worked hard on coaching Kelly Kelly on her reactions in the angle, and the feeling is that she's made major progress as a character due to the angle. Furthermore, Rhodes already knows where the storyline is heading because he has the entire angle booked with a start, middle and a finish. He actually did that in advance. This is different from the norm because WWE storylines are usually booked on a week-to-week basis."
It's very refreshing to hear that the Kelly Kelly/Balls storyline will actually go somewhere. While it's not my favorite storyline on ECW (though there's only two on the show), Kelly and Balls have played their roles very well. Who knew that unstable Balls Mahoney would become the biggest ECW Original star? Certainly, not myself. Plus it beats watching the Extreme Expose dance to the same Timberland song each week.
Quick N Dirty News
Contrary to popular belief, Snitsky was not abducted by aliens. Rather he was suspended for abusing steroids.
I loved how no one even realized he was missing until last week.
Burchill & Taylor look to be a full-time team because they have matching tights!
Well, I'm all for a returning Burchill especially if he's not channeling Johnny Depp.
Mick Foley and Torrie Wilson helped out at this year's Special Olympics
Insert blonde joke here!
Ashley was kicked off of Survivor last week
All I can say is that HD did not do Ashley any wonders. Maybe it will be a bad thing if the WWE goes to HD next year.
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
It Only Took a Year but Kurt's Gone Krazy Again!
From the main page, "According to WPXI News out of Pittsburgh, TNA Wrestler and former Olympian Kurt Angle was arrested on a charge of drunk driving last Friday afternoon. Last Friday afternoon Moon Township police got a report of an erratic driver. From the reports, the description of the car and the driver matched that of Kurt Angle. Authorities went to the Angle home and Angle admitted to driving the car home from a local bar. He subsequently failed a field sobriety test. Angle refused a blood test."
You don't really hear too much about drunk driving episodes during the afternoon. I guess it takes an Olympic hero to drink enough during the morning to be completely gone before happy hour.
Thankfully, no one was hurt last Friday during Kurt's joyride. Drunk driving is definitely serious no matter how fucking ridiculous those commercials make it out to be. While Kurt won't be receiving any jail time here, it will be interesting to see TNA's stance on this. In the WWE when a similar situation happened to RVD, he immediately jobbed both of his belts. Sadly in TNA, I just see Vince Russo making this into a storyline.
Do this or CSONKA will berry you!
From the main page, "The open TNA tryouts for independent wrestlers will now be on 10/28 in Orlando, FL at the Impact Zone. The cost is $250."
If y'all didn't read boss man's news report from last week, he's looking for people to help pay for the cost of tryouts. Of course, he never got that Tivo he always wanted either. Cheap bastards.
RANDOM SHIT OF THE WEEK
HULK HOGAN IS HOSTING MOTHERFUCKING AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!!
Oh man, this is so awesome. First off, I'm such a Gladiators mark that I would have enjoyed the show even if Don Fuckin' West hosted it alongside Todd Pettingill. Second, watching Hogan steal the spotlight away from both the contestants and the gladiators is going to be hilarious. Lastly, I bet we get the return of Rico Constantino!
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… WWE NO MERCY PREVIEW
And where or where did my lackey go? I bet he's too busy creating the massive muscles on Jericho with one hand. At least, he could use the other one to write me my simulation. Bastard.
Anyway, since I'm now stuck previewing the card, let's see what we have on tap:
Overall, the card really doesn't seem too shabby outside of the huge question mark of a main event. If the Last Man Standing match were to happen, I probably would have ordered the PPV. Sadly it's not and even though there's much intrigue in the main event, I don't want to be burned by the WWE. Right now, the Tag Team Championship match looks to be the most appealing match on the card and sadly, there's no storyline behind it (hell, the match won't even be announced until tomorrow).
Here's my prediction for the main event: Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy! While Ken Kennedy does not have a match, it does not make sense for a heel vs. heel match to main event a PPV. Hell, I would even do a Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Kennedy match to open the show with Hardy picking up the win for the main event. Face it, Hardy is probably the most over wrestler on the Raw brand (behind Cena and Triple H) and very few people play the underdog role better than him.
Of course, I could totally be wrong. We'll find out this Sunday in Chicago. Stay tuned to 411 for live coverage of the show!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Next week, the apocalypse begins! All you basement dwellers might want to hide! Until then…
