The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 10.11.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 10.11.2007
Porno Vampires, the Worst Romeo & Juliet of All Time, Genies, and Most Importantly, the Arrival of the Small & Slimmer Basement Dweller Variety Hour!!!
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Welcome back to another hit edition of the Small-For-All News Report. We've got plenty of things to talk about today including why true love is blind, TNA granting wishes, and the arrival of the greatest segment to ever hit the Small-For-All! So good, I've already started designs on t-shirts. But that's for later: we've got plenty of shit to discuss… starting NOW!
RANDOM SHIT OF THE WEEK UPDATE
I must thank the good people at the WrestlingObserver for actually posting this on their main page. Our favorite vampire-turned-porno director sat down with Mauro Ranallo of Sirius radio to discuss his newest venture. Here's the highlights:
Question: what about this decision now to get out of professional wrestling and into the New Porn Order? How did this new career come about?
Gangrel: Well…I'm not out of professional wrestling. It's just wrestling ah…maybe it just gotten too sleazy for me.
Yup, Raw is way more sleazier than Miami Rump Shakers 2. Especially with Mae Young always trying to show her puppies each week.
Question: What does it take though to be a director of porn? Like what, what kind of eye do you need to have David?
Gangrel: Ah it just…with these here…it's not as hard as a regular movie. It's um…it's a more reality like ahh…the reality shows and more comic. So it's really more… you're really letting kind of roll in how it comes out just naturally. Just not a whole lot of too much of acting going on there. Just more of a reality type of deal you know
Sounds like a mighty experienced director right there. Still he's probably much better than Richard Kelly or that guy who did the Condemned (no… no…no).
Question: Yeah well ah tell us a bit ah about the project that you said is just completed Miami Rumpshakers 2. Give us ah, give us a bit about the plot you know, any plot twists and turns and uh…is there a, is there like a cliffhanger ending?
Gangrel: Ah no. It's just different scenes. I've only did, on that one I've only did directed one scene and it's just more of a comedy thing and it's just me starting out. I was just breaking my cherry so to speak you know.
Question: So ah, when you say you are just directing the comedy aspects of it I mean what a, like so was it a non-sex scene that you directed?
Gangrel: Well no, there's sex in it but um well I'll read it to you. I…there is a guy…he had sex with a mannequin in it.
Uh…well…I think it's time to put the kiddies to sleep. Then again you should already know that this is the self-proclaimed Gossip Rag of 411.
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Sadly, the latest news reports stemming from the No Mercy fallout have not arrived yet. With that said, you are just stuck with these inferior news updates. Such is life!
Bonnie's Laying the Hammer Down
According to the Figure 4 Newsletter, "In what could ultimately end up a gigantic story, Raw is tanking big time, and while the most recent dip can be traced back to the Hornswaggle revelation, the reality is that it's been a long, bad summer for the company and with Cena out of action that's absolutely not going to help. The return of Shawn Michaels and the debut of Chris Jericho may help boost things, but only time will tell.
Last week's show did a 3.2 rating off hours of 3.1 and 3.2, and this week's show did a 2.8. Keep in mind that there was a screwed-up rating about a month back that came in at 2.5, very close to this, and people either panicked or figured it was too impossibly low to be an accurate number. Nobody seems to be disputing this number given how it's been tumbling of late. So, all that leaves is panic.
What could become a major issue is that WWE and USA haven't been on the best of terms lately. Bonnie Hammer of USA, who spearheaded the movement to bring WWE back from Spike, has been sending 10-20 creative suggestions to WWE regularly. We're told Vince gets them, reads them, forwards them to Stephanie, and then during creative meetings Brian Gewirtz goes over all of them and buries them in front of everyone. They haven't considered a single idea, partly because they're insecure about someone else's ideas working better than whatever they can come up with, and partly because if they do start using ideas the pressure will increase for them to use more. The scary thing is that WWE signed with USA/NBC/Universal on April 4, 2005, meaning their three-year deal expires shortly after WrestleMania."
Well regardless of the sensationalism that Raw is in the tanker, I think everyone is under the impression that Raw will be resigned by USA in April. Even with the lower ratings, Raw boosts USA to the top of the cable networks each week. Sure ratings are not in the 5s and 6s like in the past but that's really to be expected. While I wouldn't go as far as to say that the wrestling industry is cyclical, the industry is a fad to the youth of the nation. Chances are if you are reading this right now, you either are a teenager and watched as a kid, are a younger adult and watched as a kid, or are a kid and really shouldn't be reading this filth.
Fact is wrestling first became really cool when I was a kid thanks to the appeal of Hulk Hogan. Most kids watching wrestling couldn't give a flying fuck (I told you kids to stop reading this) about workrate and Ric Flair in the NWA. Hell that only became cool later on largely due to the mystique built up people remembering the match. Memory's a hell of a thing and if enough people said a match was good, chances are you will believe that it was good too (unless you are a hater or Slimmer). I bet if enough people told you that the Kennel from Hell match was classic, after a while you will believe them (everyone really just wants to fit in).
Anyway (and I really got off-topic just to make a Slimmer joke), wrestling stopped being cool when the novelty of Hogan wore off. Same thing happened in 1998. Wrestling was edgy, hip, and cool enough to appeal to high school virgins who not only watched to see Stone Cold but also for the chance that Sable's nipple would pop out of her bikini. This lasted a good ole four years and at that point, most of these people stopped watching. Not because wrestling was doing anything different from before, but rather because wrestling wasn't doing anything different from before (think about that for a second). Four years of watching Stone Cold stun McMahon just gets old after a while.
Sadly, we are still in this lull today. The WWE has tried to shake things up each year (three separate brands, the rise of both the hip (John Cena) and the muscular (Batista), and plenty of poor taste (HLA, Katie Vick, Zach Gowen, Al Wilson, Muhammed Hassan, Eddie Guerrero's name in storylines, the death of McMahon, etc.)) and unfortunately, it has not caught on with the masses. That's not to say it won't. Just at this moment, it's for rednecks and basement dwellers. Hence why I believe that the WWE really needs to become a sponsor in NASCAR (but I digress).
Anyway, point I'm making is that while we aren't in the glory days of the company, ratings are still healthy enough for renewal. Of course, Vince might not be able to get the contract he truly wants but at this moment, he will probably take whatever he gets.
Another Tragic Love Story
From the main page, "WWE Diva Krissy Vaine is done with the company after making her debut on the 9/28 Smackdown. She and her boyfriend, Ryan O'Reilly, asked for their releases due to the travel and distance apart while working the main roster.
Both Vaine and O'Reilly worked in DSW and FCW as a WWE developmental talents with Vaine being called up to the main roster recently. O'Reilly had just started being sent on the road with the RAW roster in recent weeks. With Vaine on Smackdown, and O'Reilly scheduled to be part of RAW, the two decided that the time apart would be too great.
Many developmental talents are upset over this, feeling the two wasted WWE's time and took spots that would have otherwise gone to others."
Bitches be trippin', yo! Seriously, if this thought never crossed their minds then they are idiots. What's worse for our love-struck couple is that TNA won't even take them since they never made it on WWE television. At least, if they both worked a few weeks on television, then TNA would be salivating on the possibility of signing more WWE rejects. I really hope their love lasts since at this moment, that's all they have.
Let's Bury Smackdown Some More
According to Figure 4 Wrestling, "Writer Brian Gewirtz is pushing to get Rey Mysterio on Raw. He noted that he is huge with children like John Cena and there were a ton of fresh opponents for him to face on the red brand. There has been talk in the past of moving Rey to Raw, but it has really picked up in the last few weeks."
My gut tells me that Smackdown fans shouldn't worry about Rey's depature. While both rosters need more faces in the main event scene, Rey is too much of a draw for Smackdown that if he leaves it will totally cripple the brand. With that said, expect him to move to Raw before Survivor Series!
Eugene is Coming Home
From Figure 4 Wrestling, "Nick Dinsmore aka Eugene is returning to his roots. Dinsmore will help groom the stars of tomorrow as he was named the new head trainer of Ohio Valley Wrestling's intermediate class. He is replacing Joey Matthews aka Joey Mercury in the position."
Considering this was going to be Dinsmore's role before he was fired from the company a few months ago, this should not come as a surprise. At the time of his departure, the WWE was trying to play damage control with all Wellness failures not named Randy Orton. Now with the smoke settled, the WWE was able to give Dinsmore what he wanted while saving money by signing Dinsmore to a lesser contact (as a trainer, he will make less than what he was making as a wrestler). Sounds like a win, win, win (I won't ever be subjected to his matches again) to me.
Punk vs. the Atlas
Larry and Hayhurst covered this quite well in their news reports so I just wanted to add that Tony Atlas is a douchebag.
Quick N Dirty News
From the usual sources (Wrestling Observer, PWInsider, Figure 4):
Vince pulled Roddy Piper from Cyber Sunday since he leaked word of his participation weeks ago at an autograph signing
Not like he would have won so it's really all moot point.
The Major Brothers have developed an attitude in OVW as they are unhappy with wrestling weekly in OVW. They have also refused to listen to advice from the agents on the show.
Fuck the Major Brothers.
The Jackass angle might return at the Royal Rumble.
Personally, this is fine with me as long as the Jackass members are involved in the actual Rumble. While last year's was good, it was missing a certain spark until the HBK/Taker exchange. Using members of Jackass here is fine as they will not only bring some comic relief but also a few nasty eliminations.
John Morrison only served a 28 day suspension
His abs, however, served no time.
Survivor Series poster
If only Edge could have used that on the Punjabi Prison.
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Well Ali Baba Had Them Forty Thieves…
From the Wrestling Observer, "Terry Taylor sent several unhappy TNA wrestlers letters informing them that they may leave the promotion if they wish."
So who might leave the company? My guesses are Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, LAX, Kip James (bitch), Team 3D, Lance Hoyt, and Ron Killings. Actually, if anyone were to leave I would be surprised. As awful as it might be in TNA, would any of these names (outside of Team 3D) have any value in the WWE? Probably not.
If Only Gangrel Could Direct…
From the Wrestling Observer, "Shelly Martinez (ex-Ariel in ECW) will be shooting an adult film in Los Angeles through Platinum Jewel, a porn company owned by Jewel De'Nyle."
I bet Batista will watch it (for the two of you who pick up the reference, good job)!
BOUND FOR GLORY PREVIEW
Here's the lineup for Sunday's PPV:
MONSTER'S BALL: Black Reign and Raven vs. Abyss and Rhino
TABLES MATCH: Rick and Scott Steiner vs. TEAM 3D
FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT BATTLE ROYAL: Known Participants - Robert Roode, Chris Harris, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, James Storm, Kaz, Lance Hoyt, Eric Young, Petey Williams and Jimmy Rave
ULTIMATE X: LAX vs. XXX
THERE MUST BE A WINNER: Christian Cage vs. Samoa Joe – Special Referee Matt Morgan
KNOCKOUTS GAULTLET FOR THE FIRST CHAMPION: Roxxi vs. Gail Kim vs. Jackie Moore vs. Tracy Brooks vs. Christy Hemme vs. ODB vs. Angel Williams vs. Talia Madison vs. Shelly Martinez vs. Amazing Kong
To be perfectly honest, the card does not have that one match that makes me immediately want to purchase the PPV. However, as a full line-up, it looks much better than previous TNA offerings of this past year. Sure the PPV is gimmick heavy (using the Ultimate X for a meaningless match?) but the gimmicks help showcase many of the positives of TNA wrestling. Of course, there's the reverse battle royal which promptly undoes many of these positives. But hey, at a time, we all liked Russo's booking.
As for whether I believe that Sting will win the title, I don't. Angle has gotten the Triple H push (so much so that Trips had to show up Angle at No Mercy by wrestling in three matches) since his arrival in TNA so I would be shocked if he's not the first TNA champion to retain at their Wrestlemania. Of course, Sting as champion is unnecessary, but hey, I didn't book the match.
Lastly, this looks to be Pacman Jones's last night in TNA. Here's hoping he gets the proper exit he deserves.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…
It's funny. When I started with 411Mania a couple of years ago, I thought I was the only Heat reporter that was being hired by the site. It was only when Slimmer's Heat report was posted before mine that I had any idea that there were to be two Heat reporters. And the funny thing is two years later, there are still two Heat reporters at 411Mania. Yes, I don't know what's worse: the fact that I've been recapping Heat for two years or the fact that I'm not alone in it.
Over the course of two years, Slimmer and I have feuded (who could forget the legendary "Small > Slimmer" sign at Monday Night Raw in February 2006!), joined forces (after being called cocksuckers by Larry), and lastly, feuded again. Truth is Slimmer and I aren't much of enemies; rather we are lovers (I bet Bayani just shitted a brick there). Actually, we are just two nerds that write about wrestling. Yup, the different between us and yourself is the fact that we write about what you watch. That and we don't live in our parent's basement (well I don't).
With that said, allow me to introduce the latest and greatest addition to 411Mania…
THE SMALL & SLIMMER BASEMENT DWELLER VARIETY HOUR!!!
For this first monumental edition, Slimmer and I had all this witty banter ready to go. That was until I stumbled upon the Writer's Island of the 411Mania message boards. You see, the basement dwellers have spoken and declared that Slimmer's Instant Analysis of No Mercy (which you can read here) sucked. I know, I know, too fucking funny. With that said, allow me to introduce Mr. Scott Slimmer to the show…
Slimmer: I'm Scott Slimmer.
Small: Yes, I'm aware…
Slimmer: AND YOU'RE NOT!!!
Small: *Sigh* Anyway, would you like to address the criticisms levied upon you on the 411 Message Boards.
Slimmer: Holy crap. I never go south of the staff forum, but... just... holy crap. That was some fucked up shit in there. But much love to all of the staffers that came to my rescue... even though I never would have known that I needed to be rescued if YOU hadn't told me... DAMN YOU SMALL! I LIKE LIVING IN IGNORANCE! IGNORANCE IS BLISS! AND SERIOUSLY, A ONE MINUTE DQ ON PAY-PER-VIEW? FOLLOWED BY A FUCKING PIZZA EATING... Sorry about that, I popped back into Instant Analysis mode for a second there.
But I guess, in the end, you're not a real internet wrestling writer until the IWC has called for your head on a plate.
Small: DAMN
Slimmer: Stay away from my gimmick. And it's DAMN! The ! is important.
Small : Is the ! on the t-shirt? I don't think it is.
Slimmer: Sadly, no. But I think it's implied. Sorta like how all the old DX shirts said S*CK IT, but we know what they meant.
Small: Yeah, SACK IT.
Slimmer: No, that's Edge's shirt.
Small: SOCK IT?
Slimmer: Foley's shirt.
Small: I got it, SICK IT.
Slimmer: Perry Saturn's shirt.
Small: Oh, I thought it might have been Lita's
Slimmer: No, that's LICK IT.
And so ends the first edition of the SMALL & SLIMMER BASEMENT DWELLER VARIETY HOUR. Stay tuned until next time when Small & Slimmer watch a Puro Video!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Cot damn, this was the longest Small-For-All I've written in quite a while. I think I need another vacation. See you in two weeks (yes I'm being serious)! Until then…
