Your Viral Dose of Reality 10.16.07: Still Putting it Off…

Posted by Jarrod Westerfeld on 10.16.2007

A week of battling jury duty and writers block leads to this crap stain of a new entry from yours truly.

Yet another week I don't feel I can finish out the Paul Heyman trilogy article, an article I walked into knowing I would be a bit over my head in, but once I got out the revisions of that first article, I knew I would have to finish it off in bits and pieces – shame I didn't look far enough into the future to realize that many things would put me off to the completion of this storytelling discourse. This week isn't so much writers block as a lack of desire to even touch my computer thanks to having to do time as a juror in a civil case. I literally wanted to do two things sitting in that court house, awaiting the lawyers to formulate their stupid questions to ask us potential jurors for their trial – one would have been to constantly ask the defending lawyer where Monk was and why he wasn't in San Francisco fighting crime alongside that lovable phobic rascal, and the second asking how he actually thought he had a fucking case in the first place, the lecherous cock sucking financial sycophant. Not only that, but Halo 3 continues the fight in aiding my arthritis to come at an even younger age, and MLB The Bigs hasn't been something I've wanted to pry away from as I continue to slaughter my way to a higher score in the Pinball Homerun Derby. So what you're left with at the end of the day is this hack writer not even attempting to hack his way through the one bloody article you may want to see – brilliant.

So while this week has been a hassle for me on a personal level, I'm ‘paid' to talk about wrestling – or at least the guise of knowing enough about wrestling to actually write down some random blurbs to fill my quota for the week. Unfortunately, pending on how you want to look at it, I've fallen into such a rut these days that I don't even want to think about wrestling. Yes, that's right, I, a self-professed true to life wrestling fan – not like all those WWE fans who call themselves wrestling fans just because they know how to watch all of 5 minutes of a match before dying to see the next big story development – am not interested in wrestling at the moment. And no, this isn't me saying I'm done with it all or that I've grown out of it, or even saying I want a break from it all - right now there's just nothing that appeals to me to make me want to squeal with joy, orgasm all over Scarlett Johanson's face [printed on a 10x8 glossy] and say ‘that's worth fucking noting'.

Maybe I played myself out last week, or maybe I'm just so down on everything I do at the moment that I don't even want to read some of the e-mails I've received which ask for my opinions that at the moment I just don't care to give. The only thought that rings up to mind is how someone could cock tease me into believing I was getting an e-mail from the Lance Storm only for it to turn out to be some dude from Boston. If that's his real name, then he just has way too appealing a name for me to not hate his guts right now for that amazing cock tease – and I'm usually a guy that loves a cock tease. Because of this man, I now hate Boston, despite the fact that I never had – didn't even have the slightest inclining to have an opinion of it other than they have a good baseball team that's finally turned around their bad history of shit luck and ridiculous voodoo mumbo-jumbo, and a great football team that didn't need the scandal it's undergoing thus far; oh, and I think they have a hockey team, wake me when that's actually worth talking about again – and beans, and they don't even have to be Boston baked beans. I now just hate beans in general to avoid any confusion of whether they're Boston baked or not, and don't try and trip me up into the fact that I never liked beans to begin with.

I guess I could half heartedly go through some of the feedback I got, which was more than the usual, but still minimalistic – I mean shit, Charles Manson gets more feedback than this even decades after the last notable thing he did. Hell, I could literally go back to ranting on Triple H as there's always his need to do more to further hurt the WWE product while you little lemmings and sheep eat it all up with a spoon made of wood and a mouth full of shit.

But as I sit here, pretty much brain dead – completely vapid – I really have no idea where to go and what to say other than I'm going to be very fearful of an angry editing Csonka who'll not think twice to bludgeon me with a bat if I don't get an article out on time, like a good little chimp should. That should be more than enough motivation to start pulling things out of my ass and hope to God that I do a passable enough job to get this article up for your eyes to read.

Bound for What-Now?

Like I said last time, this isn't the first time we've seen Sting, the babyface facing insurmountable odds that put the stress on his personal life and leave his good, bought-at-the-corner-store Christian morals to be left to the side to handle the sludge and slime of the young, up-and-coming wrestling organization that's turning the world on its heels. Now how Sting plans to defeat any ‘sludge and slime' of Ring of Honor is beyond me, but I guess he'll have to settle for ‘cleaning up' TNA of their mischief makers and evil-doers who look to do him wrong and harm.

What does this all mean? Well, we're certainly going to see a great match between Sting and Karen Angle…

This company really has no idea how to build up a feud and when they get something right, they still manage to fuck it up with something incredibly stupid to follow right up. And I wish I had gotten on my computer earlier in the week to partake in the round table discussions for Bound for Glory, I guess I'll have to settle for this:

A Viral Dose of Reality: Bound for Shit

Now, keep in mind this was written before Bound for Glory aired live on pay-per-view – later on, I may just alert you that I, at some point, stopped writing, watched Bound for Glory and wrapped this all up with knowledge of what did happen.

And from the looks of the build into this – well, what's there to say, really? I haven't watched all of the previous episodes for about the past 4 weeks, I've been this ‘sick' in the head. But there was always some highlights I caught, and I even attempted to watch the first 30 minutes of their first 2 hour long Impact, which ended up with me turning off the television, restraining myself from throwing the remote control through the fucking television and swearing off the names of Dixie Carter, Jeff Jarrett and Dutch Mantel who all lead me to one thought, repeatedly – their attempt at being competent is almost as bad as watching any Lindsey Lohan film. It's a feat that is unimaginable to any sober mind not thinking to knock one out to those lovely ta-ta's, and was actually expecting good acting and strong storytelling.

These same twits still can't figure out that what Spike really wants to pay for is their X Division, not their attempt at mimicking the WWE in a low budget environment that only Orlando swap rats would care to cram themselves into after Michael Eisner potentially snorted coke off the back of an albino gigolo as he fist raped a Tijuana midget's ass, with wallet in hand.

This is what Impact has resorted to feeling like – you're sitting in the corner of a medical ward, crawled up into the fetal position, rocking back and forth about how the bad man touched you inappropriately with his one gloved hand and his jerry-curls dripping Havana acid onto your nice denim jeans. Sure, if we take the time to recoup from the tragedy that unfolded on our television sets that TNA dares to call entertainment, we can rationally conclude we weren't raped for almost an hour of our lives, but sometimes rationality goes out the window when you see them trying to sell you a 2 foot lawn gnome in purple Fruit of the Looms, and asbestos stuck in his eyes, trying to intimidate the only cross breed between Mick Foley and Glenn Jacobs we'd ever want to see from anywhere in this world.

For those of us that supported this trash, and wanted it to get more notoriety with the casual fans so they could see real alternatives to the alter-praising, idol worship of the WWE and its inane product, which hasn't been good since Heyman stopped writing for SmackDown!, and see what a good wrestling show on television looks like. Then came their debut on Spike TV – it was as dreadful as their 30 minute Fox Sports Network filler shows, only not nearly as rushed.

Then came more of the same rushed one hour show that didn't bother to fill in new viewers as to what they were missing, just throw it out and there and expect people to gravitate towards it as though it was something familiar – no explanations required, I assume. After all, we've been wrestling fans for X amount of Choose one: (a) decades (b) years (c) months (d) weeks (e) days (f) hours (g) minutes (h) seconds (i) a quick jerk or two. If you answered (I), congratulations, you're just the fan Vince McMahon would like to try and sell the new Divas Useless in Bikinis DVD, available this holiday season – enjoy your free tissue box with mail-in orders.

Seeing as TNA figured we ‘wrestling' fans know all there is to know about wrestling and are therefore watching their product for the first time ever, we'll automatically know what a ‘Monster's Ball' match is without them needing to explain the rules or at least something resembling the rules – we got no such thing until the pay-per-view.

This is how they work and this is how they've always worked – they assume everything and explain nothing.

The follow-up

And after seeing Bound for Glory, and despite how good it was – possibly their best showing of the year – the show still had their share of flaws and questionable decisions.

The biggest gripe will always be that reverse battle royale, and TNA didn't help their case with this match as guys were literally standing around waiting to get into a fight, rather than just going into the ring – or at the very fucking least improvising why they can't get in there as early as they were attempting. Then the biggest kick in the pants – the match had no meaning other than to determine who would be involved in a tournament, and to seed the first entrant, that being Eric Young. The way Roode sold the lose you would have thought he actually lost a guaranteed shot at the champion, when all he did was miss out on the number 1 seeding of this tournament, which means absolutely nothing considering how tournaments are a luck of the draw type of victory tree system.

The Ultimate X matches need for a facelift only to revert back to its older form – and the participants lacked explanation for why they were the chosen teams to do battle in that environment for a chance at the Tag Team Champions at a later time. Do Dutch and Jarrett believe that booking by randomly picking matches and names out of a magicians ass-crack help in making a better show than Russo's concept that everyone hates their job, the company and has to cut a shoot-promo against everyone and everything, which at least tries to make some fucking sense of everything?

Seeing as how things can't get any worse, they often do in TNA, I've come to dub such poor booking as being ‘Dutched' which is a nice little homage to the man who has show that his old school thinking ways are really just ass-backwards-let's-fuck-everything-I-touch kind of way, along with Jarrett's help. To completely ‘Dutch' up a company is a gift from Satan's rectum all the way, and Dutch must've been cursed the whole way through seeing how bad TNA has gotten if they can't pull off decent to good shows, like Bound for Glory, every night with the talented roster they have. It's almost a crime the way they've mishandled talent in favor of flash in the pan name-value superstars that aren't drawing a dime their way.

It's a crime the way they've mishandled Alex Shelley, the only X Division star they still have that can handle a mike and not look like a complete moron with the English language – and no, I don't count Daniels as an X Division guy anymore as he, along with Styles and Joe, outgrew that division; to me he's there as filler because someone in the back keeps forgetting they have to pay for Petey Williams as they continually write him out of the show, but find ways to slip in Sharkboy!

To cock up the way this gang has is a gift that many would look upon as gold plated wrapping playing house to a lump of Hershey kisses squeezed out of a dying fat man's taco inflated asshole.

A Monster's Ball that really had no story to build upon – and let's not whine that it's all because Judas Messiahs, the Mexican midget lawn dart, decided to jump off a 20 foot ladder in Mexico, and missed his target completely as he crashed and burned to the ground. In fact, that's such a joy to see, let's roll the footage of that ‘incident'.



If that's not entertainment, I don't know what is.

And clearly something is in the water in Mexico – it makes everyone a fucking retard who thinks they, like Rey Misterio Jr. and Mistico, before them, could defy gravity and just has to dive off of shit to hit some big, amazing spot that will be forgotten after the next big high spot is hit. Then it'll all stop as everyone grows bored of watching people jump off of Mount Everest to try and outdo them all.

Exactly why should I care about Black Reign's involvement against Abyss now? What is that about? Is he a gun for hire that only James Mitchell could negotiate with to get to the real meat of who to take out, or was that Raven's job seeing as he's the one that willingly grabbed the bag of sugar-cubes from Mitchell's hand?

Is this now a dark occult unit which will feature James Mitchell lawn gnome sized son, Judas Messiahs, Black Reign, his rat Damian/Matilda, and Raven and his balding, bloating head? How is this scarier than Kevin Sullivan's Dungeon of Doom tandem when not a single one is dyslexic and lacks any character depth to really give a shit about? Sure, Black Reign fits half of those qualifications, but that's not good, or intimidating enough.

And why did Monster's Ball come after the Joe and Cage match? Why would it have killed TNA to put that as the second main event of the entire show? Why must they always find a way to cock up not only the matches, but the order of the matches on the card as well as the players' roles within those matches? Why was I to believe that Angle was the heel during his last rivalry with Joe over all those worthless titles, when Joe was the asshole aiding the destruction of a marriage and reveled in it – I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't know many good people that take delight in others personal sufferings.

And Bound for Glory brought up another great point that should help improve TNA – how about you do more fucking shows outside of blimp-fucking Orlando?

Feedback Windmill

And to round out this mess of an article that'll sure to get me some lashings from the boys of 411, here's some feedback, with names this go around – enjoy the cheap publicity you whores.

" What's going on virus? I've been watching your vids and reading your stuff and your the best of the best. I just read your recent article and it was good. I just wanted to know your thoughts on Smackdown. Not many people talk about and I feel it's better than Raw. I was hoping you can have a piece on what you think about the brands in the WWE? I come from Boston and I take it that you don't like B town from your last piece. Anyways thanx for having the time to at least read this. Respect, Peace, God Bless."

~ Lance Storm?

I could whine about the spelling and grammar, but fuck it, no one seems to care about it other than the anal-retentive writers of the world.

As far as SmackDown! is concerned, though, Mr. "Storm" SmackDown! was the superior brand of the WWE a few times over, even when Heyman wasn't writing for that show – and it had the potential to still be better even with the losses of Benoit, Kennedy and Booker T. The problem was not that they lost talent to Raw so Stephanie could cover up how shit a creative staff member she was, but rather that they started losing guys due to injury that made up the make-up of the show, namely Undertaker.

Now, SmackDown! has almost nothing to offer that ECW can't do better – stronger storylines, interesting cast of characters, a title scene that makes sense and actually allows for guys to shine upon (except for on pay-per-view; thank you Cuntanie McMahon for that one), and it doesn't over extend itself to do too much just to meet up with silly demands about turning the show into another Raw.

If you had asked this sometime last year, I'd have easily stated SmackDown! was their best show running, hands down, even over ECW's more exotic looking show that probably got more eyeballs interested in it at that point in time.

As for the brands, I can summarize them all, right now, in single word fragments:

Raw - Glitzy shit!
(That's one word because I say so! No e-mails complaining about that!)

ECW - Excellent!

SmackDown! - Watchable…

And that's that wrap up:

" Im not here to send any hate mail, poorly spelled grammar e-mail(Unlike most jackoffs that send a response, i know how to check my words when i type). I wanted to say, thank you for finally telling the IWC(Or as i like to call them Idiots With Computers, because that is what IWC stands for anyway). I just read your latest column, of Your Viral Dose Of Reality, and i wanted to say that you did a good job. The IWC doesn't know right from wrong, and someone has finally stepped up and said, what is need to be said. Those Idiots, really think they know about the inside shit about Pro Wrestling, when they really don't. Yeah, they talk alot of shit about John Cena, and how he's not a good worker. Which is totally false, yeah he might not be a Bryan Danielson or Samoa Joe, but he is person that can make people look good in a match and feud. What you said about Triple H is right, its just that people don't want to admit it because "Hes not John Cena." When he(Triple H) is banging the bosses daughter and telling her shitty ideas, that im pretty sure Vince wouldn't want on his TV shows, but i really wish Vince would tell Steph, to stop being a Cockass, and do something right for once, and to Triple H to stop being a bigger Cockass and burying people. I feel really bad for the Tag Team Division, it was getting great, but it got pretty much put back in the closet, and for everyone else. The one person i feel the most bad about is Carlito. He's more worthless now, then Britney Spears's parenting Skills. I could go on forever, but im not going to take up anymore time. Great column and keep doing that amazing job you do. Don't worry about those haters, those cockasses couldn't spell their way out of a paper bag."

~ Claudette Key

Yeah, uhm…no questions in there, no need to comment, right?

Oh, and we'll just keep that irony between us, ‘kay?

"That, Jarrod, was absolutely on the money. I wish I could see the amount of hate mail you get from WWE fanboys who worship at the altar of Vince and Paul Levesque. I'm sure the dumb fans are thinking "Oh HBK's back, we can support him as the star of the show until Cena comes back." What these idiots don't realize is that the more the WWE keeps relying on past their time wrestlers, the worse shape they'll be in. As of now no one cares about the IC title chase, the Tag Team title chase, or no other feuds on RAW. The problem is that too often everyone knows who's going to win each feud, so there's no guessing as to who may win each match. For example, take Santino Marella. We all know how his little "push" is going to end (glass shatters, Austin stuns Santino, Austin drinks beer, the end and Santino's sent to Smackdown).

At least TNA is trying to make some feuds (even if the booking sucks beyond belief) and new stars interesting beyond the old WWE-rejects and a soon-to-be-retired Sting. As for WWE, what have they done exactly? Once Cena is hurt now they have to put their trust in Orton, who is a known steroid abuser and with Congress breathing down the E's neck due to the Signature scandal? Oh yeah real smart. They'll probably have HHH eventually go over because they're desperate for ratings which won't come, but fans won't care because they're so conditioned to only accept a few people as true stars. It sickens me and I can't remember the last time I was excited to watch a WWE match."

~ John Reid

Parts in there I can't agree with – such as TNA trying to make feuds and new stars interesting? Meh, I really don't see it like that. They got Joe, Daniels and Styles, but they fail to do anything interesting around them, so they turn to make Lethal and Dutt interesting but fail miserably as they constantly drop them out to look like jobbers at every turn, which is ridiculous as one of these men is your current X Champion! Real fucking smart there. As for the feud making; it all still feels slapped together and poorly done.

Other than that, right on the money, as far as I can recall reading.

And that'll do it for this lame edition – hopefully next week I'll be better prepared and in a better mood for all of this. Until next time, jerk-wads, remember that the lot of you out there are nothing more than over opinionated assholes who think they're wrestling fans.