The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 11.01.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 11.01.2007
Find Out the Truth Regarding Kelly Kelly’s Boobs Inside!
Now that did a much better job at grabbing your attention!
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting…
Yes, yes…
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Welcome back to another crankin' edition of the Small-For-All News Report: the only news report that repo man's a ho! I'm your host as always and there's a good reason for my excitement this week: on November 5th (Monday) I will be celebrating my two-year anniversary at 411Mania. I must say that I never expected to be here that long; personally, Larry should have fired my ass a long time ago. But it feels pretty good that for two years, I've been helping build the facist regime. Now if only that little bugger Slimmer would go away.
Even though I'm in quite a celebrating mood, I won't be having my official two-year celebration until next week! So yes, this week is nothing more than a hype edition for next week's column. Just like how Raw is most weeks!
In today's edition, I unveil the winner of the "Quote This!" contest, give another reason why Santino Marella rocks my socks, and perhaps even mention one or two things that are happening in TNA!
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Armaggedon Outta Here
Our big news this week (which is quite an understatement) is that the WWE has released a revised poster for Armaggedon. Of course, the revision is what has sparked a lot of watercooler talk around the IWC. You see, in the original poster, Batista is standing in front of a ruined city holding his World Heavyweight title. In the new poster, Batista does not have his World Title in his hands but a gas mask. Which of course means one thing: the return of this man!
Yes, I think that was my second Pete Gas joke in the last six months! Actually, speculation is running amok that Batista will now be losing his World Championship at Survivor Series in a match that was announced on Smackdown (*coughhellinthecellcough*). That would be much less surprising (than Pete Gas) considering Batista has not been in the main event plans for next year's Wrestlemania. Below are the original and the revised posters:
Before
After
I Hope He Uses that Can of Ass Whip
According to the Wrestling Observer, "Sources within the WWE have reported that Maria Kanellis apparently has a new boyfriend backstage. Ms. Kanellis has legitimately begun dating her on-screen boyfriend, Santino Marella. Marella, real name Anthony Carelli, had recently divorced his ex-wife in the past year. It is rumored that the two began dating while the WWE was performing shows in the United Kingdom."
Holy Pasta Fagoli! Funny thing here is that Maria must not think wrestling talent is one of her major requirements in a boyfriend. Pity that Santino has become the fastest rising star that shall be sacrificed to Stone Cold Steve Austin since Sheriff Austin buried the entire Raw roster in 2003. Here's hoping the best for these two as they make such a cute couple!
Quick N Dirty News
Taken from all the usual sources:
Kelly Kelly's fake boobs have not gotten any faker; rather she was just wearing a good bra
Of course, this news comes from a man who hasn't touched tits in years!
Either Vince McMahon or Kevin Dunn freaked out and was afraid that the name "Birmingham" sounded terrible, thus the tapings 2 weeks ago were only referred to as being from "the United Kingdom."
I wonder if they will refer to Birmingham, Alabama as just "the Confederate States" the next time the WWE tours the south.
Many more homes are taping Raw during the football season. Recent estimates have about 120,000 to 130,000 homes now taping Raw as opposed to 50,000 to 60,000 homes taping Raw prior to the football season starting.
JP, if you are reading this and you better be, make sure you add another .1 to your Raw ratings update. It's that damn important!
Wrestlemania tickets go on sale today!
You better believe I ain't giving you guys the pre-sale password. Shit, I want tickets myself.
GUESS THAT QUOTE
I must say that the quote game went over quite well. So much so that when I returned home from work last Thursday, my gmail inbox was flooded with people's choices. While I was able to answer all of those who emailed me on Thursday, unfortunately, I was unable to email the second half of responses. To those who emailed me and I didn't respond, I'm sorry that you lost. I only had to read 20 something responses to find the first winner: Kayen James! Here are the correct answers:
Quote #1: "Before I knew it I was lying naked on an inflated mattress, drinking cold beer, watching as a cute, naked Japenese girl lathered herself in soap and slid all over me, washing me with her p***y" - BRET HART speaking of his time in Japan
Quote #2: "I don't pretend to be a deep thinker. I don't talk that much. When I do, I say what I honestly feel, and I say it plainly, in just a few words." - BATISTA
Quote #3: "Hey, Sarge, if you're reading this-I think about you every day, you fucking piece of shit." - BATISTA speaking of trainer Sergeant Buddy Parker during his time at WCW's Powerplant
Quote #4: "I felt he was completely reckless. We try to give our best in all our matches, but he took me out for a long time. He took a lot of money out of my pocket, a lot of money away from my family. And the injury took a lot of money, I believe, out of the company. I still to this day can't figure out what he was thinking." - BATISTA speaking in regards to Mark Henry
Quote #5: "I brushed my teeth with my finger." - BRET HART doing something that is just gross
Quote #6: "Women were my drug of choice." - BATISTA
Overall most of you who emailed me correctly identified three of the quotes. A lot of you never thought of Bret Hart would use the word p**sy and even more of you thought Quote 3 was about Goldberg. I never said the game would be easy!
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Can You Dig This Sucka!
According to the most recent TNA Today, Sting's partner is a former world champion in every promotion he has wrestled for.
This narrows down the possible list of candidates to Booker T, the Big Show, Bret Hart, and Goldberg. Bret Hart is an obvious no-go so that leaves us with three. Of the three, Booker T makes the most sense considering he's still an active wrestler. If the Big Show or Goldberg would have signed, it would have already happened. Of course, come Genesis, Ric Flair could be Sting's partner only to turn on him! Because that hasn't been done in years!
I Guess It's Time to Go Back to Makin' a Difference
According to the main page, "Junior Fatu appears to be gone from TNA. He wanted more money than TNA was willing to pay him."
Good riddance, Rikishi. Last week, I questioned TNA for even hiring Rikishi and it looks like another two week experiment with a WWE reject (most recently with Test) is thankfully over.
Fun With TNA T-Shirts
New TNA shirts!
I'd pass on this Angle shirt.
A little blas? for my liking. If your name is XXX, gives us at least Vin Diesel!
At least the MCMG aren't being buried in the merchandise department. Best shirt so far!
Rhino deserves better.
Once I move to the West Coast, I will surely pick up this shirt.
Nothing says trailer trash any better than a wrestling bib for your baby girl!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Tune in next week for the Ultimate Two-Year Anniversary edition featuring commentary from all your favorite 411 stars and Scott Slimmer! Until then…
Meehan's in tomorrow.
Continue to purchase my panties!
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
