The Shimmy 11.05.07: The Bonus Column

Posted by Andy Clark on 11.05.2007

Two years ago, Andy Clark was rejected from 411. As a result you, the fans, were unable to read the first column ever written exclusively to fly under "The Shimmy" banner. Until now. Take a look back at the never before seen debut edition of "The Shimmy" with exclusive commentary from Andy Clark himself!

On October 26, 2005 at 10:29 PM I received an e-mail from Larry Csonka. I has been accustomed to these weekly e-mails from Larry, except this evening I was particularly nervous. Normally the boss made me wait until a little after midnight to send his e-mail but received this one nice and early. I clicked the link to open the e-mail, entitle RE: First Column. I had a feeling I already knew what it said, but I was hoping I was wrong. Unfortunately the first few lines of that e-mail confirmed my suspicions. "Hey, Andy," the e-mail started innocently enough. "I am writing you to let you know that you have not won Rant Wars II. Bayani took the contest literally out of nowhere. Through out the competition it seemed to me as if you would dominate and win as you wrote excellent stuff and were barely voted for. In the finals I am not sure what happened, but for the first time it just wasn't your game." This was disappointing news to say the least. I had expected it because I had recognized Bayani Domingo was a good writer in the competition (even while making moronic statements like Rey Mysterio was used poorly) and my strategy through the competition was to not write anything blatantly bad or offensive so as not to incur the wrath of the fans of 411. That strategy worked wonders while the voting process only eliminated people. The rules changed for the finals, though, and the true popularity contest kicked in. I had been honored to have been chosen by whoever was on the 411 board of deciders that selected me for the final twelve, so making it to the final two was more than enough for me. Still, I regretted the fact that, at least for the moment, I couldn't share my voice with the great fans right here at 411mania (yeah!).

Our last assignment was to write what would be our first column and then that column would be posted when the winning announcement was made. Truth be told I didn't really know how to write a full column (some may argue I still don't), but I had submitted what I thought would have been at the very least an interesting first submission. The article was entitled "Concessions & Confessions" and it was more or less a confession of my "controversial" wrestling opinions and a concession of something that I agreed with the IWC on. This surely wasn't ground breaking stuff but I felt that it was a good way to start my career here at 411. Unfortunately, due to you non-voting bastards losing the competition that column was never seen. Until now.

On the two year anniversary of my initial 411 rejection I would like to share with all of you the debut column that never was. Remember, this was written in the fall of 2005 so some of these opinions may seem a bit odd. Following the column I'll share my thoughts on what I wrote originally, and we'll see just how much things have changed.

The Shimmy: Confessions & Concessions

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the confessions of a wrestling fan. You see, I am used to being different compared to others. I've been a Vincist among Christians, a sports fan among scholars, a philosopher among ganstas, and a wrestling fan among, well, everybody else. Therefore, I know what it's like to have a differing opinion from everyone else. As a wrestling fan, this is no different. As a pretty positive guy, at least from a wrestling perspective, I often find myself opposed to some of the opinions of the IWC at large. That is not to say that I don't sometimes agree with my fellow internet brethren, but I like to think that I bring a different outlook to the table. That being said I offer to you a group of two kinds of statements: 1) a confession of something that you may not like me for, and 2) a concession on something I feel I agree with the majority of Internet fans on. So let's get rolling at let the hate mail begin!

1. Confession: Jeff Jarrett and Triple H are both GREAT champions.

Yeah, I'll start with an easy one. As evidenced by my article on how great Triple H is, you should know how I feel about him. He is a great #1 heel and is always a good de facto heel champ for the face challenger to chase. My more controversial call is that I feel the same way about Jarrett. While by no means as great as Triple H (although he does have his place in history), Jarrett is a well tenured veteran with good to very good ring skills, that plays well as the top villain in TNA.

Concession: Both men can be overdone.

Sometimes they can be given repetitive promo time, and I feel that each man should show a few more cracks in the armor. Last week on Impact, Jarrett should have been intimidated by Abyss instead of talking to him like a child. Likewise, Triple H should have been a bit more worried about John Cena following their confrontation on Raw a few weeks ago

2. Confession: I like Snitsky and Chris Masters.

Chris Masters has something about him that I think can definitely mold him into something special. I mean really, who thought Batista would ever be World Champion? As for Snitsky, he's a guilty pleasure. I like his freakish look, his crazy promos, and his ability to get a foot fetish gimmick over. In the right kind of match he's not that bad either.

Concession: I no longer like Heidenreich.

I used to be a fan of Heidenreich, when he was with Paul Heyman and then when he was looking for friends. I loved his skits with Snitsky and his disasterpieces. But his alliance with Animal (1- I refuse to call him Road Warrior Animal, 2- I refuse to call them LOD) must end. Oh what a rush indeed…a rush to the bathroom.

3. Confession: Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit's title reigns were not failures.

Contrary to popular belief, Guerrero and Benoit both had rather successful runs. Both won their titles in big emotional scenes and each had a good amount of high profile matches. They did what they needed to do, and excuse me if their title reigns had to come to an end. Benoit helped put over a hot young gun, while Eddie made a bankable star out of JBL. Remember, this is coming from the world's biggest Eddie mark who witnessed him dropping the belt in person to JBL, before JBL was actually accepted.

Concession: Randy Orton's reign on the other hand…

To be fair, Randy Orton's reign didn't suck on its own. Had Orton's face turn worked out well and he had ended up chasing after Triple H to get his title and his win back then it would have been fine. The thing that made Orton's title reign a failure was creative dropping the ball on what to do with him after he lost the belt.

4. Confession: John Cena does not need to be carried.

I absolutely HATE when smarky internet writers talk about how John Cena needs to be carried to a good match. The same John Cena that wowed the IWC in his first match, that everyone wanted to push to the moon, then once they started actually pushing him everyone began noticing his deficiencies. Are there some matches he does not perform well in? Sure, but Cena is more than competent in the ring and does not need a "quality opponent" to be passable.

Concession: Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, etc. are damn good.

OK, so I suppose the "needs carrying" tag comes pretty easy when you get to wrestle the likes of Angle and Jericho. As much as I hate how much people slurp on Angle, he is an absolute beast and for all intents and purposes Cena should have great matches with him.

5. Confession: Muhammad Hassan got screwed.

Bottom line: McMahon caved. Good old, "I created wrestling, worship my balls" McMahon couldn't stand the heat and dumped one of his most promising stars in recent memory. Hassan had mad heat and was great on the mic, but that was wasted on bad booking. WWE's treatment of Mark Copani was criminal.

Concession: Hassan was pretty bad in the ring.

For all of his greatness on the mic, I kept hoping his matches would get better, but alas, for the short while we knew him they didn't. Ah well, good luck in Hollywood, Mark. I'll try and get your theme song out of my head.

6. Confession: Michael Cole is a good announcer.

When I first started watching wrestling, JR was out with his second bout of Bell's Palsy and Michael Cole was filling in on Raw, so I sort of grew up with Michael Cole. Anyhow, I have seen Cole grow from squeaky clean announcer from the "real world" into one of the best wrestling announcers today. His chemistry with Tazz is incredible and he truly is the voice of SmackDown!. So what if he doesn't call a lot of moves? Outside of Josh Matthews and Mike Tenay no one does.

Concession: Coach is a bad play-by-play man.

Let me point out this wasn't always the case. Before he turned heel I thought Coach was a pretty good play-by-play guy, not great but good; not nearly as bad as some would have you believe. However, after the heel turn, Coach has definitely become more of a color guy, and listening to Raw nowadays with no real play-by-play is pretty painful.

7. Confession: Carlito = The Human Hidden Highlight

My boys at Hidden Highlights should appreciate this, but Carlito is da man! Everything from his awesome entrance music, his great mic work, and his very deliberate mannerisms and facial reactions make Carlito a joy to watch. I hope Carlito continues to receive the attention he's been getting, because that is very, very cool.

Concession: He needs a damn finishing move!

It drives me crazy he doesn't have one. Remember when Shelton Benjamin went about a year without a finishing move? So aggravating.

8. Confession: Christian will never be World Champion.

Sorry guys, but it's true. Just like Test, Rikishi, and Eugene, Christian's window has closed. His feuds will now mostly all begin on the Peep Show and he will probably job at least once to a mini. On a personal note, I wish they would reunite him with Tyson Tomko, those two crazy kids need each other!

Concession: Christian should have been World Champion.

Yeah, he should have beaten John Cena for the belt this summer. If it wasn't for UPN fucking SmackDown!, John Cena would have stayed on SmackDown! where he belongs and Christian would have won the belt at SummerSlam. Edge would have won the World Title from Batista that same night and the new E&C Dynasty would have emerged. Muhahahaha!

9. Confession: Matt Cappotelli = Future World Champion

I know it sounds far fetched, and he's got his size and Bob Holly working against him, but there's something about this kid that just strikes me as him having "it." Whatever "it" is, Cappotelli has it in spades, and I can't wait for his debut. A tag team with the Miz should be a pretty exciting start.

Concession: Shelton Benjamin = Future World Champion

This guy needs pushed ASAP. It's a shame that after the big first half of the year he had that he has fallen back down the ladder. After a very successful IC Title run, the great performance in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and that breakout match with Shawn Michaels, I though Benjamin would at least have more of the spotlight. I hope this is corrected by WrestleMania.

10. Confession: Tag Team wrestling is not that important.

Oh I done did it now, but I really don't think tag wrestling is that important. Maybe it's because I wasn't around for the days of the Midnight Express and the Freebirds, but the glory days of tag wrestling seem pretty distant. I certainly appreciate the Tag Team Titles, but in the world of wrestling every superstar should have the goal of being World Champion, and they shouldn't be content with holding a strap with someone else.

Concession: Tag Team wrestling can still be great.

Just because it's not important doesn't mean it can't be fun. The TLC matches, the matches of the SmackDown! Six, and the tag matches in TNA have proven that tag team wrestling can still be great when done properly, and if able can contribute positively to the program.

So there you have it, ten things that many of you may disagree with me on and hopefully ten things that we may agree on. Hopefully we will have a long journey together in this column, so until next time, this is Andy Clark, goodnight Canada! (ten points for the reference!)

Flashback Over!

Well there you have it, the first column I ever wrote that was intended to get feedback and to get you to come back the following week. Looking at it now and it was probably better than my ACTUAL first column, but who knows. Now let's take a look at these statements with 2007 eyes, shall we?

1. Jeff Jarrett and Triple H are both GREAT champions. I still stand by this statement even though it's been a while since it's be tested (Triple H's two hour reign at No Mercy notwithstanding). In fact, I was really talking about them being HEEL champions and it's been a good while since either man has been a heel too.

But they can be overdone. Again, true. Jarrett has been scaled back significantly for both personal and professional reasons and I'll be curious to see just how they book him on his return (don't be surprised if he turns out to be Sting's mystery partner at Genesis). Triple H can still be overdone at times (ask London & Kendrick about that one) but for the most part he isn't nearly as overbearing as he was as champion.

2. I like Snitsky and Chris Masters. Well, I don't quite see the same star potential in Masters as I once did, but I do still think he is salvageable. I've lost all interest in Snitsky ever since they changed him from goofy, foot fetish Snitsky to bald, psycho Snitsky. My interest in him waned even more when they drafted him to Raw. ECW was the place for him to grow if they wanted to book him like that, but he's doomed to the midcard on Raw.

I no longer like Heidenreich. Who? Heidenreich is yesterday's news at this point. I hear that he is happy wrestling for the independent promotion that he's with now as he says it's good, family oriented wrestling, so that's good for him.

3. Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit's title reigns were not failures. I still think that's a fair assessment. People are going to be harsher on Benoit's reign nowadays, but I still wouldn't categorize it as a failure.

Randy Orton's reign on the other hand… Well, at least WWE is trying to rectify that now. Still, I have a sneaking suspicion that Randy Orton is going to be one of the longest lame duck champions in WWE history. Hopefully WWE proves me wrong and books him as an important champ.

4. John Cena does not need to be carried. I was ahead of the times on this one. Two years before Cena broke out as one of the best all around performers in all of wrestling I was giving him his props. Sure the haters are still there, but I think there are a lot of converts as well. I only hope that all of Cena's progress won't he flushed down the drain with his injury. Hopefully Cena can recover fully and get back to his show stealing ways when he returns.

Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, etc. are damn good. I suppose that statement is still true. We haven't seen Jericho since that was written, and TNA hasn't been kind to Angle but he can still bring the goods when necessary. Since 2005 Cena has continued to have feuds with some great wrestlers including Shawn Michaels, Edge, Triple H, and Rob Van Dam so the "helping hand" point could still apply. Keep in mind he also had some pretty good matches with The Great Khali so he must be doing something right.

5. Muhammad Hassan got screwed. I will stand by this statement until my dying day. The way WWE treated Hassan after there own booking screw up was absolutely pathetic and they basically threw money out the window. My outrage over Hassan's treatment in the summer of 2005 actually fueled the writing of my English 200 term paper on television post-September 11, written shortly after I wrote this initial column.

Hassan was pretty bad in the ring. No denying that one. I don't believe Mark Copani is in wrestling anymore. Last I heard he was in acting (allegedly his true passion anyhow) but I haven't heard hide nor hair of him since '05.

6. Michael Cole is a good announcer. And Cole has only improved since then. Cole has actually found an even better chemistry with JBL on the SmackDown announce team and I think WWE has a suitable replacement for whenever JR finally decides to hang it up (if you're out there JR I hope that's not for a long, long time!). Michael Cole brings out the best in JBL I feel, as the ECW announce team should prove that Cole brought out the best in Tazz as well.

Jonathan Coachman is a bad play-by-play man. And that's why he hasn't done play-by-play in two years.

7. Carlito = The Human Hidden Highlight Well, he sure fell off the map. In 2005 Carlito was a sure thing as a big time main eventer. Two years later and he's probably still lucky to be employed. Carlito is a solid enough hand but two years of bad booking and a failure to improve have really stopped Carlito from making that next step. I'm still hoping for a move to ECW to freshen up his character.

He needs a damn finishing move! And wouldn't you know it, he gets a really good one right when he career starts moving downward. Say what you will about Carlito, but the Backstabber is a cool finisher.

8. Christian will never be a World Champion. Well I guess I was wrong on that one. Even if you don't want to give TNA props as having a "real" World Title, Christian has proven that he can be a major player for an organization. I wouldn't close the door on a possible return to WWE in the next few years either. Good to see TNA followed my advice and reunited him and Tomko.

Christian SHOULD have been World Champion. How different would things have been for TNA had WWE given Christian a short run in the summer of 2005 when he was at his hottest? Might someone like Rhino have gotten that spot that Christian received? Would Matt Hardy have made the jump after all? That's an interesting question to ponder.

9. Matt Cappotelli = Future World Champion I really believed that and if Matt were healthy I would probably hold firm to that today. Matt has had some horrible career luck with his brain tumor but fortunately it looks as if he will be able to continue living a good life, even if he never wrestles again. Cappotelli definitely had that "it" factor and it's a shame that tragic life events prevented him from blossoming into the star he was destined to be.

Shelton Benjamin = Future World Champion Well WWE royally screwed that one up. TWICE. Seriously, when I wrote that back in 2005 WWE had dropped the ball on all of his spring '05 momentum, but they managed to get it back in 2006 with another breakout MITB performance and a great match at Backlash with Rob Van Dam. Then they depushed him yet again. At this point Shelton is probably a career midcarder that they'll use to plug holes in the tag team division or upper midcard if someone gets hurt. Such wasted potential.

10. Tag team wrestling is not important. I still believe that. I can be fun, it can add to a show, but it is not essential. Singles competition should always be the primary focus of a competitor and it's silly to see men that apparently have no desire for true success competing in a secondary division.

Tag team wrestling can still be great. Just because I don't think it's necessary to have a strong tag team division doesn't mean that I'm not a fan. WWE's tag division of the late 90's was a lot of fun and it they could somehow recreate that I would be all for it. As I've said, a good tag division can enhance a show and is a nice little bonus to an already productive wrestling promotion.
So there you have it, the unseen first column of yours truly. I'd like to take this time to thank all those here at 411 that have kept me around here for almost two full years. 411's owner Ashish, wrestling zone editor Stephen Randle, and definitely the man that saw something in those Rant Wars writings that caused him to say "Screw the people, I am the great decider," Mr. Larry Csonka. I have probably caused the boss to utter a few profanities in his day and I'd like to thank him for giving me that opportunity to be able to be here and look back on those early works with all of you. I suppose I can also thank all of you readers for bothering to click the link and keeping me viable contributor for this great site. Thank you all, and viva la 411!

Andy! Andy! At Last You Have Some Feedback!

Chris Jacobs answers my call for a Reno: 911! Miami report:

Reno 911 cameo of the rock. The movie is not that great, the Rock's part is. Here is how it goes down.
All the cops are in Florida for a cop convention, yeah Reno 911 does not take place in Reno, atleast not in the movie. All the cops at the convention get some kind of disease, and since the Reno 911 crew were all hungover and didn't go, they are the last cops in the U.S. to look for a cure. Rock comes in to train them, he is a secret service angent brought in off of a job overseas to train the Reno crew. He teaches them how to use a grenade, and while swinging it around the pin falls out, now this isnt word for word, because it's been a while, but this is what happens…

Reno guy: Umm…I don't think that is suppsoed to fall out

Rock: Yeah I know genious

Reno guy: Isnt there a delay on that thing?

Rock: I know how to use a grenade.

He then mumbles some stuff as he walks into a dome to contain the grenade blast that was set up incase the Reno crew need to blow something up, he gets in through the door, but the delay is too fast, and Rock blows up, his guts and blood blow out the door all over the scientists, and the Rock is gone, lol.

Another goor part worth seeing. The crew get called to a wild animal call. It's a gator in a pool, they freak out. Some drunk neighbor hops the fence and starts talking to them about how to take care of a gator. He puts his beer down and hops on in, while the cops are freaking out trying to get him out of there.

Drunk guy: You gotta respek a gator, if you don't respek a gator, gator don't respek you. Im gonna come up from behind like a predator, not a prey, like a predator, so he know I respek him

"SMACK" yes he hits the gator on the head

Drunk guy: See he respek me

"SMACK"

Drunk guy: Wait a minute…Why that gator dead…

Then a second gator comes up and bites the dude in the face, drags him under water, blood goes everywere, and the reno cops run away screaming and it is never brought up again. FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!

Thanks for the recap, Chris! I'm not a big Reno: 911 guy but I may have to check out this movie at some point just for the hell of it.

The Shimmy Likes It Raw!

What's on tap for tonight's show?

Damn you, WWE! You put together a big show on the one night the Steelers are on Monday Night Football! Curse these paw paws!

DX returns for "one night only." Yeah, I believe that one. One would assume that they would face Randy Orton & Umaga, but seeing as how it hasn't been announced I wouldn't bet against some type of Gauntlet or Handicap Match. Because we can't go a week without a Handicap Match. I'm betting on a Team Triple H vs. Team McMahon Survivor Series match so I wouldn't be surprised to see some of Team McMahon be on the other side of the ring from the degenerates.

Stone Cold Steve Austin returns to Raw! Che cosa? I said Stone Cold returns. Che cosa? I mean he's back. Che cosa? He'll be on Raw. Che cosa? Tonight. Che cosa? Dammit.

I'd also like to express my condolences to the family of the Fabulous Moolah. I'm sure many wrestling fans thought that Moolah would outlive all of us and it'll be weird not seeing her make cameos at WWE events any more.

That does it for this week, chillins. I'll see you next week, same bat time, same bat channel. Until then, don't die. Clark…out.