The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 11.08.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 11.08.2007
Join Me in Celebrating my Two Year Anniversary Here at 411Mania as I Say Goodbye to a Special Friend!
Yeah, it's no promise of pornography, but it'll do for this week.
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting…
Yes, yes…
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Welcome back to another supersonic edition of the Small-For-All News Report. As stated in my teaser, Tuesday marked the start of my 2nd year at 411Mania when I joined the crew as a noobie recapping Heat. Since then, I've grown into a Sunday news superstar and now I have become a Thursday news GOD. With that said, in January I'll do an official two-year of news reports celebration (I'll drink myself silly and submit a clipshow). But for tonight, I really need to get something off of my chest as I hit this "historic" milestone.
In other news, I attended yesterday's Celtics/Nuggets game. For those that were able to watch the second half (which shouldn't be many since the game was over in the 1st quarter), you were blest with my presence. Due to my baller status, I sat one row behind the Denver Nuggets bench and was on television, the entire second half. This marks the second time that I have graced God's favorite medium and it feels good everytime.
Unfortunately, my next live appearance shouldn't get me on television. Like Meehan, I purchased Wrestlemania tickets last weekend. Unlike Meehan, I'm a baller and I'm sitting in the lower level. That said, because Meehan is such a good friend of mine, I'll let him say hi to me if he chooses to. As for the rest of you Smallophiles who are attending Wrestlemania, the only way I'll talk to you is if I remember to bring my disinfectant soap.
Anyway, in today's edition, we discuss a possible reason why Brooke Adams got canned last week, why Harry Smith will be repackaged as DA Smith, a laundry list of steroid abusers, and perhaps a TNA newsworthy news piece!
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
You Gotta Love Public Disclosure
During a CNN documentary entitled "Death Grip: Inside Pro Wrestling" that aired earlier tonight, Dr. Black, wellness extraordinaire for the WWE had this to say about the Wellness Program (from Lords of Pain):
"During the documentary, Dr. David Black, who oversees drug testing for WWE, said that the company has handed out a total of 30 suspensions since the implementation of the Substance Abuse and Drug Testing Policy in November 2005. A total of 27 WWE talents that we know of have been suspended during the program's history, including three individuals that have been suspended twice -- so it seems to add up.
The history of the program's drug offenders includes Randy Orton, Joey Mercury, Rene Dupree (two-time offender), Kurt Angle, Rob Van Dam, Kid Kash, Matt Hardy, Ryan Reeves, Ryan O'Reilly, Balls Mahoney, Drew "Festus Dalton" Hankinson, Andrew "Test" Martin, referee Chris Kay, Jeff Hardy, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Masters (two-time offender), Edge, Funaki, Gregory Helms, Booker T (two-time offender), Charlie Haas, Gene Snitsky, Mr. Kennedy, Umaga, William Regal, John Morrison and Harry "D.H." Smith."
Looking over the list, there are a few names that stand out. First is Matt "I Will Not Die" Hardy. While his steroid use is surprising, I don't seem to remember a time when he was MIA. As for as I can remember, for the previous year he feuded with Gregory Helms before tagging up in the winter with his brother against MNM. After that, he won the tag team titles with Jeff and then embarked on a feud with MVP. Unless of course he was suspended before the feud with Gregory Helms (which began in June 2005). But that's like years ago.
Another interesting name on the list is Balls Mahoney. Now we might actually know why Balls was left out of the Originals vs. New Breed feud. As for the rest of the offenders, no new surprises here. It'll be interesting to see who else will be added to the list in the near future. Not because I really want to see more wrestlers suspended but steroid use is not going anyway in the WWE.
So Where Does this Leave Jaime Noble?
From the Wrestling Observer, "What with Kristal Marshall's release from WWE a few weeks ago, it looks like the planned Vickie Guerrero storyline has been dropped. Original plans for the storyline called for Vickie & Kristal to find out that Theodore Long had a heart condition and to conspire to work together to get him to take Viagra to trigger a heart attack so that Vickie could be the lone General Manager on SmackDown. Instead, Vickie will simply be a babyface General Manager that stands up to men. Also, there's no word yet on what they're going to do with Theodore Long. They were giving health updates on Long, but they stopped doing that after a week or two. Long was assured that he wasn't going to be dropped as a television character."
While I'm perfectly fine with not seeing Teddy Long as the GM of Smackdown, I'm still not really impressed with Vickie Guerrero. True she has been fine with segments with Jaime Noble, but she cannot convey the emotions that are needed for the dramatic storylines the WWE is known for. Ha, that's a funny.
That being said, I'm glad that the WWE did not go through with the Teddy Long on Viagra storyline. Not only is it offensive to those who know people who have died thanks to drug overdoses, it's a stupid storyline that will never have great closure. At least this Vickie vs. Jaime Noble storyline actually makes us care about a wrestler!
I Guess the Berserker Will Never Return
From Figure 4 Wrestling, "Sources say Brooke also had a backstage altercation with Melina at RAW over furry boots. Apparently Melina is the one who wears the funny boots on RAW, and Brooke tried wearing them as well and it created some problems. Vince McMahon was actually upset at Brooke for being ignorant about the issue and not protective of Melina's gimmick. There is a belief that Melina went to Vince and complained, then Vince made the call to axe Brooke.
Johnny Ace was one of her strongest supporters and fought hard for her to stay with the company. When she was first hired, she was to be one of the Funkette Dancers when Flash Funk returned. Ace paid for her dance lessons and everything. Of course that angle never went through and Ace always pushed hard for her to debut on all three of the WWE brands which became a running joke in the company because Brooke really didn't have much going for her. "
Oh My God. Now this is fucking awesome. Melina must have a lot more backstage clout than I would have expected. Now, yes, she's sleeping with Batista but outside of firing dumb bimbos like… oh, yeah, that's what happens. Well, like I said last week, it's not a big loss for Brooke to be off of my television. Sure she had a great ass but they are not that hard to find. Lastly, I find it quite funny how Johnny Ace always is the most supportive of those that he hired from modeling magazines. I wish he felt that way about most of the mid-carderes who actually deserve some love.
Quick N Dirty News
Added to the Survivor Series card are CM Punk vs. the Miz vs. John Morrison and the two stipulations to the WWE Title match.
I still do not understand why the WWE has stopped announcing matches and stipulations on their television program. Sure, they want to expand a growing segment with their online viewers but let them not forget about one of their major sources of revenue! As for the ECW Triple Threat match, this doesn't surprise me as a triple threat was pushed heavily at the end of their Tuesday Night programming. It also allows for the WWE to take the ECW title off of CM Punk and back onto John Morrison without making Punk look bad. As for the WWE Title match, I'm guessing we shall be seeing a return of the Sharpshooter. *sigh*
Nick Hogan was arrested this morning for reckless driving, being under the influence of alcohol (as a minor), and an illegal tint in his mirrors. The Hogan family issued a statement that the victim should have wore a seatbelt and that they will be doing PSAs on the importance of seatbelts.
I wonder if these PSAs will be during commercials for American Gladiators. In all seriousness, I'm happy that Nick turned himself in as he is still to blame for this tragic accident. Sure the passenger should have worn a seatbelt; however, Nick should not have been drinking and driving and more importantly, did not need to be driving around like Speed Racer.
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
TNA Genesis Preview
Considering there is absolutely zero news to speak of, I guess I'll just preview the upcoming PPV.
Here's the card for those in the know:
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Kurt Angle (c) & Kevin Nash vs. Sting & ???
Samoa Joe vs. Robert Roode w/Ms. Brooks
Team 3D vs. The Motor City Machineguns
TNA WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP
Gail Kim vs. Roxxi Laveaux vs. ODB vs. Angel Williams
SHOP OF HORRORS
Abyss vs. Black Reign
FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT FINALS: LADDER MATCH
Christian vs. Kazarian
A couple of observations: I love the fact that this card is comprised of new and fresh matches from top to bottom. With that said, the lineup really reminds me of WWE Unforgiven shows from the past. A fresh card, not too much buzz, and the sinking feeling that the show really wasn't worth it in the end. That's not to say TNA will have a better showing than a lot of the WWE Unforgiven shows, it's just that if certain matches here don't deliver (the ladder match, Team 3D/MCMG), we will be in for a long night.
Larry will have live coverage here starting at 8pm on Sunday night. You better not miss it!
The FINAL Final Fantasy Heat Report (for now)
Note to all: This was a long time coming. Do not think that Slimmer drove me off of Heat. Not now, not ever.
As I mentioned before, I started writing my Heat column two years ago. It's kind of funny seeing as how I wanted to write for 411Mania (after years of being a loyal reader) but I never wanted much responsibility. Hence the main reason why I picked a Heat recap. Looking back, I'm glad I did not choose Velocity (my main reason was that Heat was much easier to recap seeing as all of the matches involved chinlocks) as I would have been out of a job a long time ago.
Two years ago, the Final Fantasy Heat report was born. The WWE Fantasy game was still fresh in everyone's minds (it was only in Season 3) and I thought it was a great tie-in/differentiation from everything else that was on the net. Turns out I was not the only one who thought this as Larry hired not only myself but a standard Heat recapper named Slimmer. I only found out about this Slimmer punk when he beat me to the punch and recapped the Heat before that year's Taboo Tuesday. Fucking bastard.
To this date, Slimmer and I have had a rivalry. Sometimes it was hostile (the Small/Slimmer feud of 2006 will go down in history). Sometimes it was not so much (anytime when we weren't feuding). Now, there's nothing more for me to fight with him about as he still writes his overly long, usually half-assed Heat report and I write my quite short, usually half-assed Heat report.
But all that has changed now. I'm done with it kids. After two years of watching mediocre Val Venis matches and squash matches galore, I can safely say I'm walking away with my head held high. Do I have any intentions of writing my official two-year Heat report featuring a Snitsky and Ron Simmons squash? Hell fucking no.
With that said, Slimmer, don't think you have already won? You just wait and see who my hand-picked replacement is this coming weekend. It's not over, cock***&er.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Next week, be on the lookout for my review of Chris Jericho's autobiography and whatever else of note happens in the fabulous world of sports entertainment. Until then…
Meehan's in tomorrow.
Will somebody buy my undies?
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!
