Truth B Told 11.08.07: All’s Wellness That Ends Wellness
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 11.08.2007
“Naming names” isn’t going to stop the ‘Wellness Policy” infractions, in fact nothing will. TBT takes a look at how not only the company and the wrestlers are to blame, but also the fans.
I recently joined a pretty fancy-schmancy (spell check be damned, schmancy is a legit word) gym that is right across the street from my new job. It's costing a pretty penny too. Of course that penny is stapled to a wad of $20's as well, but that is still one damn attractive penny. I figured that it would help motivate me to get in shape and work out more since I had to kill 2 hours before my 20 mile commute home was manageable after the LA traffic subsided. Word to the wise…LA traffic NEVER subsides. I bet you they'd still be ass to ass traffic during ‘the rapture'. Well I got a free "fitness assessment" and "complimentary training session" with the package. I got the assessment, was appalled at the results, took the training session and was appalled at how out of shape I was, then decided to throw even more money down the toilet and sign up for some training. The result: 4 1/2 weeks, 11 lbs lighter. Not bad, and well on my way to the 25 lbs I promised myself I'd lose, but that all comes at a price. I have now become, "that guy".
You know "that guy", the guy who always counts calories, the guy who tells you exactly how many grams of carbs and fat are I that nice thick juicy burger you're enjoying. The guy who always sits there and orders "balsamic vinaigrette" on his "Ahi Tuna Salad" while you're woofing down a double bacon cheeseburger and fries…while asking if they could also put some more bacon and cheese on top of said fries…with some extra mayo on the side….with bits of bacon and cheese in it. Just ruing your meal and telling you how much weight he's lost and how much weight that YOU could lose if you just hit the gym instead of the "Coldstone's" after work. The guy who actually knows what he benches and actually knows what the hell a ‘bosu ball' is used for. Yeah…I'm that fuckin' guy now. I am grateful to the friends who put up with me, because I can hardly put up with myself. And I'm not even at the fitness level to be able to even BE ‘that guy" yet. In 10 lbs…I'll have every right to be…hell, I'll probably even get a certification and a business card that reads "That Guy", but for now I need to learn to shut the hell up and ask for the vinaigrette on the side and keep my bosu balls to myself. But that's what society has become now a day hasn't it?
Does anyone remember 15 years ago even knowing how many carbs was in anything or realizing that rice could even be brown? We've become more and more obsessed with "looks" and "fitness" and now being in "average shape" doesn't even mean being "average" anymore. The bar has been raised. So is it any wonder that all that has trickled down to the world of wrestling? Is it ironic that the stereotype of the average "wrestling geek" is either the pimply faced scrawny teenage boy whose strongest muscle happens to be his right forearm? Or the fat black shirt wearing adult who still fantasizes about "motor boating" Candice Michelle's funbags while ordering their Stuffed Crust Meat Lover's pizza on-line? *Editor's note: I miss the ‘stuffed crust'…I really do* But yet somehow us "wrestling geeks" are prone to asking each other if "Eric Young got a little pudgy?" (he has) or if Beth Phoenix is too "thick/buff" to be a real marketable "diva"? (she isn't). Being a fan is a lesson in irony if you ask me. Which you didn't, which is why I'll tell you anyway.
I think in society we have gotten so image conscious that it is literally seeping into our subconscious minds on a daily basis. I should know that as well as anyone since I live in the most image conscious city on the face of the planet; Los Angeles. It's not enough to be a beautiful woman in LA, you have to have the face, hair, and body to go with it. The regimens and sacrifices for the sake of beauty has been drastically raised over the years. The "Wonder Bra" has bee replaced with breast implants, lip plumpers and anti-aging creams has been replaced with Botox and Collagen, Step Aerobics and the Atkins has been replaced with the Brazilian butt lift and tummy tucks. Even men now have fallen into the same pitfalls of fitness and unending pursuit of physical perfection. Men are having calf implants put in, pec implants, doing Botox and having colonics, using bronzers and toners and concealers hoping to hide any imperfections. Don't think that doesn't filter into the world of wrestling either. The Rock actually had liposuction done on his chest a few years back, John Morrison is taking so many pills that he needs a chemical to fight against sagging breasts common to new mothers, the Signature Pharmecy and Dr. Astin scandal and shown us that the world of professional wrestling has ingested more drugs than the entire audience at a Warped Tour concert.
We are obsessed with looking not only good, but better than anyone else. Of course when I say "society" I'm not talking about the IWC at large. If there is anyone that bucks the trend of buying into the need to work out 10 hours every week and cut out carbs, fats, and anything wrapped in bacon it's the "wrestling geeks" across the land. Good job guys, live above the influence. Feel free to wrap that chili cheese dog in bacon and ask them to deep free it again. With a side of mayo. But then again there is a small percentage of us I'm sure that are image conscious. Hell, we even have guys on 411 that rate the t-shirts that RoH, TNA, and the "e" produce. To think that people are picky about the wrestling shirts they get is somehow ironic. "Oh man, I don't want to get THAT Hangman 3 T-shirt, I'd rather wait for the red one that matches my LAX hoodie". Yeah, we do care a little about the way we look, no matter who you are. Fact is some people are just willing to do a little more about it than others, then there are those who are willing to do almost anything to do something about it.
Take young Harry Smith for instance. The guy should know better about the dangers of Steroids, after all it affected his life in a deeply profound and tragic way. He recently got busted for violating the "wellness policy" and people are jumping down his throat about him being such an idiot. People are asking how he could be so stupid as to inject that ‘junk' into his body just to try and look bigger. But take a good look at the landscape of the WWE, how can he afford not to? Take a look at the team of Cade and Murdoch. I always hear how the "e" is so high on Cade's future, but what about his tag partner? What is so different about those two guys? Their ability? Their charisma and mic skills? When the ECW title was held up after Lashley jumped to RAW CM Punk was the next in line to get the title, hell he was even in the match to crown the next champ, but somehow Johnny Nitro got in the match and got the win instead. Take a look at Punk vs Nitro, at the time what was it that really separated the two?
Lashley, Cena, Batista, all of those guys rose to through the ranks so quickly and yet you have guys like Matt Hardy, Ken Kennedy, and Carlito who just toil away in the mid-card. If you can't see the pattern then you probably aren't paying very close attention. Fact of the matter is that a champion has to be "marketable" in this business and if you don't have the "look" then you can't get the "book" so to speak. Why else would Randy Orton be holding the title right now after continually screwing up time and time again? Face it, with a pretty boy like that taking over for a pretty boy like Cena, things can pretty much go on as planned with no interruptions. You don't think Vince is aware of the female screams when a Cena, or Jeff Hardy, or Randy Orton come out through the curtain? You don't think he realizes that a young muscled up Champion is going to be on more websites, magazines, and gossip sheets than a Finlay, Kane, or Matt Hardy? Sex sells in Hollywood and it sells in wrestling, always has, always will.
Some of you are probably scoffing at the notion that you in fact might be preoccupied or somehow biased by physical appearance. While you yourself don't care how gnarly your hair and 5 o'clock shadow gets, or if you wear the same RoH sweater for months on end, even in the summer, and couldn't care less about the astonishing effects of Axe body spray I think you have to look at the whole picture. While some people are not as self aware or self focused on their own level of appearance it doesn't mean you don't look at others with a critical eye. How many of you out there only work up the nerve to try and flirt with a girl who is at least a 7 or above on a scale of 1 to 10? No need bothering with the average looking chicks right? I mean, so what if you're just an average guy, why would you try hooking up with a chick that isn't at least a level or two above you right? Fans debate the hotness of Divas all the time, whether Candice or Mickie, Torrie or Michelle is hotter. Even though they're all fairly hot women we're still ranking them. We can't help but put a value on physical beauty. If you need cold hard proof, then how do you think the "Diva Search" managed to get that many people to vote for it based…pretty much a weekly swimsuit contest.
To flip the coin, how many of you have commented on the size, or fitness of a wrestler? Have you ever caught yourself saying, "man, does it look like (insert wrestler) got smaller to you?". Or maybe, "Damn, well it looks like someone is off the wellness program now". We make judgments all the time about the physical appearance of a wrestler. When guys like HHH, Chris Masters, Elix Skipper, or Kurt Angle seem to deflate before our eyes you might make a joke or a snide comment. When guys like Austin Aries or The Miz looks bigger you might roll your eyes or make a joke about how ironic it is that Brother D'Von is running a "Juice Shop" now. *wink wink* You wonder why guys like Gregory Helms or Funaki would get involved in Steroids when they are cruiserweights, but remember that a certain Canadian Crippler, Latino Heat, and 619 didn't get their big breaks and got taken seriously until they magically put on a few Lbs. besides, now that the cruiserweight division is effectively dead and the best cruiserweight tag team in the WWE are now jobbing to rednecks and Scots men it makes even more sense to invest in a bit of … "protein shakes". If you thought Edge looked kind of skinny before you found out he was juicing, just imagine what he would look like without it. There is a stigma about wrestlers that they should not only be larger than life in persona, but also in the physical sense.
While giving your belt to a guy who is no taller or bigger than you or I may work on the Indy scene, it doesn't really sit well when you're in the "big leagues". Look at how long successful "light heavyweights" have done in the past; Mysterio's title reign was a joke, Ron Killings and AJ both held the belt on multiple occasions but weren't given very long title reigns, and the first ever unified champion Chris Jericho was jobbed out constantly after he dropped the title to HHH. Not a really great track record for "athletes who didn't fit the mold" wouldn't you say? But more than that it was just hard for fans to buy Rey Rey as a champion even with his new buffed out physique because of his stature. Most wrestling fans just find it hard to buy the true "underdog" as a real dominant champion because when it comes down to it, you take a decent big man over a good little man any day of the week when it comes down to a ‘fight'.
Csonka touched on this in his "YNMV" earlier this week but for a guy like Chris Masters it was a "no win" situation. He was billed as an "Adonis" with a body built out of granite and he had to maintain that body to maintain his gimmick and his standing in the company. When he tried to go clean DX ripped him a new one on TV, then he went back on the juice and got suspended…again. It is nearly impossible to keep up with the kind of schedule these guys have and maintain a Masterpiece of a physique as he had to. To think that guys like Batista, Lashley, and even Cena are able to do so is quite mind boggling to say the least, especially considering how many appearences they had to make by being such high profile wrestlers. I'm sure between Jamie Noble and Lashley that Noble gets a bit more free time to hit the weight room if he wants to and would need to hit it less often then Lashley would to maintain his current shape.
When you look at a guy like The Rock's career vs Chris Jericho's career you have to ask yourself why one sky rocketed to success while the other had a "pretty good little career". Both had charisma, both had great gimmicks and characters, both had a good fan base, but one had great in-ring ability and one had "good looks", guess which one had only 1 championship title run and the other had multiple? I think it's hard for some of the young guys coming up because at some point they realize that they aren't going to be as athletically gifted as the other wrestlers or perhaps as good on the microphone, so they figure the next best thing is to get the "look" down and hope for the best. Worked for Hulk Hogan didn't it? If Hogan wasn't as muscled out and huge as he was back in the day then he might have gone the way of the Black Top Bully or One Man Gang. If you can't carry a promo or a match, just stand there and try to look pretty. It works more often then you'd think.
But that all goes back to the "Industry" demanding physical perfection or the "Fans". I don't think they're necessarily exclusive. Because every young fan dreams of being the WWE Champion and it's a hell of a lot more appealing to want to be The Rock or John Cena than it is to be Mankind and JBL. If you can have the belt and the women? There couldn't be anything better right? Who among us would say that they would rather have the high flying ability of a Sonjay Dutt or the matt wrestling skills of a William Regal than the pretty boy looks of a Randy Orton or John Morrison's abs? When you go out and buy your copy of Smackdown vs RAW 2008 this week are you going to make your own Create-A-Wrestler a little bit taller or a little bit more muscular than you are in real life? Who wants to wrestle as a 5'7" 230 lbs hairy mid-carder?
I think part of the problem is not just the way society puts a higher value on looks and attraction, but the way mode of thinking that good looks equate to success and popularity and hard work just equates to more work. There have been studies that good looking people are perceived better during job interviews than unattractive or average looking people. I think the same can be said of the world of wrestling. Look at the kind of gimmicks that are set out for the "beautiful people": MNM, "Ravishing" Rick Rude, The Masterpiece, the "Heartbreak Kid", the "Reflection of Perfection" Mark Jindrak, The "Total Package", even Sylvan Grenier for God's sake had a ‘model' gimmick for a while. You can actually make a living in wrestling just by being good looking. Its like there is no middle ground. Either you're "pretty" or you're "butt ugly". Look at how they made Snitsky even more grotesque, or how the Balls/Kelly Kelly angle is basically "Beauty and the Beast", they took off Viscera's shirt and gave him suspenders to further exaggerate how fat he is, even Trevor Murdoch's ugly mug was mentioned time and time again when him and Cade first debuted. In fact Cade and Murdoch were the perfect example of how to further polarize the idea of beauty as they basically gave you the "Beauty" and the "Best" in a neat little package. Hell, if you still aren't convinced then how the HELL do you explain Buff Bagwell being employed for so long. It wasn't just the bookers buying into the hype, it was the fans.
Look, I'm not going to sit here and say that it is the entire fans fault that wrestlers are injecting things into themselves that could eventually kill them, or at least give them saggy pancake titties by the time they're 45, but we can't pretend we don't play a part in it. As much as we think Vince is a "size queen" so to speak, we also play into it. As nice as it was to see Rey Rey win the title, no one believed he would keep it for long. CM Punk is the ECW "Champion" but not even the main focus of ECW at this point. The cruiserweight division was decimated then lent to ECW to fill in the roster. The WWE ridicules and objectifies "ugly" every time Festus, Snitsky, and BDV enter the ring. Hell, they even hold their own annual "Beauty Pageant". But you know what? We eat it up. We buy into it and we ask for more. You don't see this in TNA, you don't see it in RoH or PWG, but you see it in the biggest company in the industry. Because they're no dummies and they know what sells and they know what we'll buy. In a world where "image is everything", the wrestling industry and it's fans are the first in line to get a glossy 8x10.
The Truth
We're a society obsessed with looks. If not our own, then others around us. We're all looking to fuck the prom queen and be the star quarterback. We recognize that the "hero" is the guy with the six pack and biceps that ends up banging Haley Berry and Jessica Biel, but the funny guy with the beer gut is just there for comic relief. We almost demand perfection in our athletes, our movies actors, and rock stars, so why is it we'd think the wrestling world would be immune to the same critical eye? If you look the part, you can always be molded into the role, but it's almost impossible to do the opposite. There are times I thought Chris Masters or Lashley were going to tear a pectoral muscle just grabbing for a microphone. Torrie Wilson has gone from Playboy Model to Nicole Richie's lunch buddy in the span of a few years. It's not healthy, it's not safe. But how can we expect these guys to live up to the expectations of the fans and society as a whole while traveling 300 days a year. You just can't do it. None of us can do it. So while I hope the wrestlers of today learn their lesson and realize that it's just not worth the consequences to sacrifice your health tomorrow for the shot at 15 lbs of gold today...I'm not holding my breath. Besides, regret is a mind fucker and as the saying goes, "live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse".
Coming Up Short
Well I guess Gabe didn't heed my advice after all and Nigel wrestled Chris Hero last weekend with one good arm. Bravo. Not to bring up the fact that he could have injured himself even further, but now this all really DOES look like a ‘work' after all. The fact that Nigel could have really put himself on the shelf for a good long time isn't what bothers me. Its that Hero could have been put over huge, without Nigel looking too poorly because of the injury, yet they STILL decide to have Hero job out. Really now, what the HELL is the point of winning any RoH tournament if it doesn't result in an actual title win? Claudio, Hero, probably the Trios Tournament winners this year, isn't it all pointless? I know it isn't "kosher" to question the almighty Gabe's decisions since his wisdom is infinite and just, but what the hell man? Like…what the hell?? Give Hero the belt already and let him and Nigel fight it out when he's 100%. Unless of course Gabe doesn't want to let Nigel be the first 2 time RoH champion. I mean, he didn't let Samoa Joe, Danielson, Homicide, Punk, or Aries win the title again. Hell, AJ and Daniels who are two of the biggest stars RoH had at one point never even GOT the title. So I guess that's it. They had to keep Nigel active and yet decided to job out Hero (who I think is the best choice right now as champion if they don't want to give someone a 2nd run) as a special bonus. Well congratulations Gabe, my faith in your booking this week has just come up short.
Semi-Finals of the King of 6 Degrees…
Do you believe in magic...cuz' I hope you do...come to my island and I'll probably rape you...MAGIC.
Okay so not exactly one of Lovin' Spoonful's greatest hits. David Copperfield is in some hot water with the feds after he was accused of flying out a woman he picked out of an audience at a Seattle show, inviting her to his private island and then sexually assaulting her and telling her not to tell anyone. Well damn....what the hell did that woman think was going to happen? A magician invites you to his "private island" and you think all he wants to do is saw you in half and pull a quarter out of your ear? Shit woman...you best expect some sexual assault is about to go down. Hell, do you think it's a coincidence that that "sexual assault" has the same number of letters as "private island"? C'mon lady....besides, how do you know the sexual assault wasn't all an illusion? Whooooo....spooky. Okay, so anyways I had no one in mind to link to David Copafeel, but I figured if I was going to go random, I'd go all the way random. So for the semi-finals you are linking one king of illusions to another king of comedy...
Stalker Ichikawa Z!! Yeah...you're probably going to have to wiki this dude. Alright guys, you're the cream of the crop and the "Final Four". Let's see who rises to the challenge to compete in the finals of the King of 6 Degrees Tournament of Mild Discomfort.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
My guess it has to do with the realization that Maria dumped the ECW Champion for a RAW mid-carder. But c'mon...in all reality it's actually a bit of a step up. Yeah...you were thinkin' it...I had the balls to say it. And that's the bottom lines.
King of 6 Degrees Tournament Quarter Finals Results
I had no idea that an on-line wrestling tournament would mirror a real Indy Tournament so closely. In the span of a week we had one contestant pull out due to an injury to his hand...yeah, seriously. Then we had a contestant pull a "Teddy Hart" and no-show the deadline meaning that the #1 seed is actually making it through on what amounts to a 2nd bye week. But we do have at least two real matches this week. Let's get to the entries:
Luke Southworth Okay, straight down to business as the underdog here!
-Robert Goulet sang the Canadian National Anthem at Wrestlemania VI in Toronto where The Ultimate Warrior famously won the world title from Hulk Hogan
-The Ultimate Warrior, 5 years later at Wrestlemania XII famously no sold the pedigree and squashed Triple H in just over a minute
-Triple H turned heel (again) at Wrestlemania XV, betraying his DX team-mate X-Pac in a match with with Shane McMahon.
-Sean 'X-Pac' Waltman's last major achievement in wrestling was winning the Chris Candido Memorial cup with Alex Shelley
-Alex Shelley lost in the final of the (second) ROH Pure Title tournament to 'The Anarchist' Doug Williams
-Doug Williams held the Pro-Wrestling NOAH tag team titles with Scorpio- otherwise known as Flash Funk
VS
Double C Here is my entry for the 'Elite Eight' part of the 6DO Tournament:
1. Robert Goulet made a very memorable appearance on The Simpsons episode '$pringfield" when he sang a very funky rendition of 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' at Bart's treehouse casino. ("Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager." "Your manager says for you to shut up!" "Vera said that?") Bart Simpson is voiced by Nancy Cartwright.
2. Nancy Cartwright is a member of The Church Of Scientology (she became a 'Clear' in 1991, whatever that means), as is John Travolta.
3. John Travolta starred in the 2001 movie "Swordfish" with Vinnie Jones.
4. Vinnie Jones starred alongside "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in Santino Marella's favourite movie, 2007's "The Condemned".
5. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, then "Stunning" Steve Austin, was a member of the WCW tag team The Hollywood Blondes with 'Flyin'" Brian Pillman.
6. On the August 11, 1997 edition of Raw, Brian Pillman, who was feuding at the time with Golddust, wore a very funky gold dress into the ring for his match with Flash Funk, and proceeded to lose to Funk.
Louis Jones Well, I gotta say my entry this week will have representations of 5 of my favourite movies of all time. Now, there are not any real obscure actors with time, but I am hoping that the overall quality of the movies will compensate.
1) Robert Goulet was in "Beetlejuice" with Geena Davis.
2) Geena Davis was in "A Long Kiss Goodnight" with Samuel L Jackson.
3) Samuel L Jackson was in "Jurassic Park" with Jeff Goldblum.
4) Jeff Goldblum was in "Powder" with Sean Patrick Flanery.
5) Sean Patrick Flanery was in "The Boondock Saints" with Rob Jeremy.
6) Ron Jeremy is best known for his Large Penis, and, according to Mick Foley, so is Flash Funk.
Here's a wiki for that last one. Refer to the
"Personal Life" section -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2_Cold_Scorpio#Personal_life
VS
Jihad my entry for the quarter finals of th e6 degrees tournament of mild discomfort.
1. The esteemed Robert Goulet was not only a fantastic singer and Broadway actor he also occasionly appeared in motion pictures. One such film was Beetle Juice in which he played a house guest that is blown through the roof. The star of Beetle Juice was Michael Keaton.
2. Keaton was unexpectly cast as Bruce Wayne in Batman. his performance was well received and he reprised the role in Batman Returns, staring along side the penguin, Danny Devito.
3. Devito came into national consciousness by appearing in hit series Taxi. But the show stealer in Taxi was the one and only Andy Kaufman.
4. Andy Kaufman is most well by wrestling fans for his reign as the inter gender world champion. he also had an infamous feud with everyones favorite creepy uncle, Jerry the King Lawler.
5. Jerry Lawler was the king of Memphis as owned, booked, and wrestled for the USWA. He gave many wrestlers their first break including the Soultaker, Charles Wright.
6. Despite his great size and unique look wright would not get over until he was redubbed the Godfather. A gimmick that is completely ripped off of Flash Funk. same ridiculous zoot suit style outfits, same funky music. And instead of calling his escorts Funkettes, he called them hoes. blasphemy!
So there we go, two Quarter Finals matches and now to the judging. We have two, couint them, one, two 411 real life staffers here to lend their "expert"...um...expertise. Let's find out who the first judge is and how he rated the entries:
Guest Judge #1, the author of the "Independent Mid-Card" and RoH roundtable Toast Master General...Samuel L. Berman:
For the first one I'd say the following:
Seeing as this is my decision to make and Bayani has empowered me to be as subjective as I want to be, I'm going to have to choose submission A. In addition to me being a sucker for any and all ROH-related references, I'm also specifically an Alex Shelley mark, so that's another notch on the belt. I was also a big fan of the whole DX vs. the Corporation feud that revolved around the Wrestlemania XV angle that was mentioned. Furthermore, I disapprove of any mention in any way of Scientology as well as the fact that I can't stand the movie Swordfish. Though the Hollywood Blondes reference was almost enough to overcome those two gaffes, I'm still giving submission A the nod on the weight of more in-ring wrestling references.
Second one as follows:
I mean submission A has got to get win here, if only on the brilliance of doing a strict movie-to-movie build right up to the out-of-nowhere phallic finish. Though submission B earns bonus points for the use of the phrase 'came into national consciousness' and including a USWA reference, I'm disillusioned by the fact that there were a notable number of typos. I'm probably opening up myself (and my columns) to a world of hurt with that comment, but come on, this is Ko6D. Take the time to proof your submission! Submission A in a walk on the strength of the surprise finish and the inclusion of a wiki to back things up.
Now for the second judging:
Guest judge #2, author of the "Impact Crater" and "Custom Made News Report" Ryan Byers.
Pairing One:
First of all, shame on everybody involved in this round of the tournament for not attempting to link Flash Funk and Robert Goulet through long-time WWF jobber Rene Goulet. The perfect play on words was RIGHT THERE and you failed to take the bull by the horns. However, of what we have, I'm going to have to with competitor two, simply because there's an error in competitor one's entry. You're trying to tell me that X-Pac's last major achievement was in TNA? There are two problems with this. First of all, nothing major happens in TNA. Furthermore, you're apparently forgetting a little promotion named Wrestling Society X. You do not besmirch the good name of WSX in my presence, young man.
Pairing Two:
Entry one, without a doubt. I can't say no to anything that uses wikipedia as a citation in a discussion of Flash Funk's junk.
Wow, so it looks like Louis Jones squashed Jihad like Big Daddy V on a pound cake and we have a TIE between Luke and Double C. Well as the tie breaker it's up to me to make a decision here. And the man going on to the "Final Four" along with Louis, Mark Satrang, and McVee is....Double C. Yeah, I'm going to have to go along with Byers on this and dock Luke points for failing to mention WSX. I mean...I actually got CAMERA TIME during the show. Geeez. A fatal mistake by Luke and it looks like the 3 of the top seeds are still in the game. But don't forget about the plucky underdog, McVee who has a chance to pull off the upset of a lifetime and take the whole ball of wax. Tune in next week as we pit the "Final Four" against each other in a battle to the DEATH. Yeah, those guys should have read the fine print in their tournament waivers.
Gail Kim Division Champion: Mark Satrang (1)
vs Francine Dee Division Champion: Louis Jones (3)
Felicia Tang Division Champion: Double C (2)
vs Kelly Hu Division Champion: McVee (12)
GAME ON!!
Left Overs…
Stipulations have been set for Survivor Series where Randy Orton can lose the title by DQ and HBK can be DQ'ed for using the Super Kick. The original suggestion was to have Randy Orton banned from using the Chinlock and HBK DQ'ed for wearing any gay entrance gear. Which is odd because you figure if anyone knows about a "gay entry" it's Randy Orton.
With the new tag line "Edge is back and he's a little bit bitter" it has been confirmed that he is now the newest member of "Age of the Fall". Wow, those guys really ARE a revolution.
The Rock's hosting gig on Saturday Night Live has been canned due to the writer's strike. It was later noted that SNL itself had actually been cancelled 6 months ago but no one actually paid enough attention to realize it.
Some people are taking the fact that the WWE recently showed a Jeff Hardy promo "my sacrifice" type video on RAW to mean that he is in line for a possible WWE Title reign soon. I actually took that as a test run for his "In Memory of…" video for later in the year when his body is found in a motel after OD'ing on a mixture of E, meth, and cherry Twizzlers. It does "Make Mouth Happy" after all.
Austin Aries is presumably going to be breaking up "The Resilience" so he can concentrate on the RoH World Title. Which is fine because I'm sure they won't be broken up for long. Cuz'…that's their gimmick right? They're ‘resilient' right? Oh…their gimmick is jobbing? I wonder if they copyrighted that already or if Vince can use that to rename him Randy "The Resilience" Orton.
CW Anderson has indeed retired from wrestling. Actually I'm surprised no one picked up on this 6 months ago when he announced it on SNL…oh….oh right.
Jamie Noble actually got a win this week…too bad it wasn't on Smackdown. He jobbed out Nunzio to a 2 move combo that even Bauer didn't know what to call it on his ECW report. The technical name for the Backbreaker/Gutbuster combo is: The Roderick Strong Royalty Buster. Seriously, Strong traded those two moves for the Tiger Driver? I hope he at least got a Chris Sabo rookie card thrown in too.
In other news the booty-licious Brooke is no longer arm candy for The Miz. This week it was reported all over that she was offered her release. Which many of my fellow writers have also offered to do on her.
Is anyone else speculating what Batista had to do with her getting fired? Naww… probably not, unlike Ariel she looks like the kind of girl who would let a World Champ lay it between her ass cheeks. Nevermind, carry on folks.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
You know, usually they just leave a mint on your pillow...
So here's a thought, but did anyone ever stop to think that SaveUs_222 actually means: SaveUS_TooTooToo? You know, "Too Sexy" Brian Christopher and Scott "Too Hot" Taylor as "Too Much"!! No? You didn't? Oh, okay, my bad then.
It looks like TNA is planning two shows down in Mexico in the near future. I bet you that LAX will be the hottest act down there. I can see people lining up hoping to get an autograph from Homicide and a bigger line in for Hernandez hoping to get a "Border Toss".
Pimpin' In High Places
Things are picking up around this time of the year, people are gearing up for their "Year End" columns, the "Year End Awards" are upon us, and even more importantly, people are filling out their requests for vacation in hopes of not being one of the guys who has to stay behind in the office and man phones…er…e-mails. This year I got off easy since I put my request in around…May. But there are a few of the newbs who didn't have it so good. Oh well, having a turkey pot pie and twinkies with cranberry sauce ain't all that bad. Oh who am I kidding, it's going to be Wild Turkey and Cranberry Vodka that whole week. I'm just glad it's not my turn to clean the bathroom this week.:
Ask 411 contemplates some of the mysteries of the universe. Most of which are wrestling related, others deal with trying to find a worm hole in the space time continuem that manages to allow him to rip the fabric of time and space and go back to 11 weeks ago to stop himself from drafting Frank Gore and Alge Crumpler. Or maybe find a swank DeLorean and Christopher Lloyd.
Jules picks his Top 10 tag teams of all time. Sadly there is no "Vicious and Delicious", "Mulkeys", or "West Hollywood Blondes". I just don't know what that boy has been watching.
A-Mat tries to figure out what TNA has going for it. A good personality? No. Good sense of humor? Nope. Um… low standards? Bingo. Wait…maybe I just described the kind of women who would date a wrestling fan.
HH brings us the greatness that is John Morrison. How they even THINK that The Miz could be on that man's level is beyond me. "I am the harbinger of the dawn of a new era Miz, and you…you are a Summer's Eve…a giant Douche".
Clark waxes poetic on his 2 year anniversary by giving us the article he would have posted had he won Rant Wars II. It was news to me that he was a front runner up until the end…that is until I rose up and claimed my rightful place among the 411 elite. And JT. I think somehow our "Rivalry" just never kicked off really well as I think a Clark/Domingo feud could have been a license to print Pesos. Next time we feud someone has to give someone's dad a concussion…I think that's the way to go.
J-Link likes the X-Division, sometimes…this is one of those times.
CoH has some reviews and preview of the GBH weekend. I'm sure he never saw Nigel coming. Wait…I think that's what his girlfriend said right before she had to get her cornea cleaned out. Well after that one armed debacle you can forget me defending RoH for a while. I'll save it for someone who needs it…like G.LO.W.
Csonka has decided to do a "talent exchange" and combine his Smackdown and ECW rankings. He was in negotiations all morning with…well himself. But I hear there was also an appearance by Mrs. Buttersworth and Aunt Jemima. Now THAT is one hell of a legal team.
Lansdell has a techi-er version of "The Finish Line". Nute didn't have youtube back in the day so Lansdell has it lucky. Then again Nute had a catchier column title….so let's call it a "no contest". *I mean, who puts their initials in a column title?*
Shawty covers half of the Misawa tour of…RoH. Okay, it's not a very long or expansive tour, but it does involve a hell of a lot of lariats and an old Japanese guy walking about in spandex. It's like Venice Beach that way.
D-Dubya announces his retirement from 411. Yep, he's a regular Terry Funk that way. He also seems to think that people will notice it when all 8 of his columns disappear for about a month. Which is true because it will now take 0.8 seconds less time to scroll down the page to the click on the columns people actually want to read. Eh, maybe I'm still bitter he pulled a "Teddy Hart" in the Ko6D tourney. Sod off little limey runt…but I'm not bitter or anything.
Congratulations to Lil' Cholo for winning the AWS Title last weekend. I was in attendance at the show and missed out on the first few matches but was able to catch the last half of the show. PWG is running this weekend on Sunday at the Burbank Armory. Headlined by Danielson vs Evans and Strong vs Generico. Check out Pro Wrestling Guerrilla's website for more information. Especially that dude who wrote in a few weeks ago saying he lived in SoCal but has never been. You know who you are…which is good, because I can't remember. Also since Andy Clark recently wrote in his "2 Year Anniversary" column (by the way I guess that means I forgot about mine which was last week I believe, Yay for me) that he got a personal e-mail from Csonka telling him how sure he was he was going to win before I snatched victory from his chubby little sausage fingers I figured I would print the e-mail that Csonka sent to me when I won. Unfortunately I can't seem to find it. I do however have the transcript from the phone call between Csonka and Clark after he was trying to figure a way out of giving me my own column:
Csonka: I don't care if he's a Canadian, a whore or whatever. It's not because he's Filipino, it's because we use the word sm*rk sometimes here. I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for for 30 years because some fucking sm*rk heard us say sm*rk and turned us in to the Pro Wrestling Illustrated. Our career is over! I'm not taking that chance at all! Never in life! Never! Never! If Hana was dating a sm*rk, we would all say 'fuck you!' And you know that…
I think maybe the rest is a bit too graphic. Oh well, things worked out fine, I told Csonka I was dedicated to bringing more semi-pornographic pictures of Asian women into the wrestling zone and he was satisfied with that. Still…you got to wonder what would have happened had I played it safe and cut the Lita jokes out of my column? Who knows…you might be reading the "Evan Young and the Restless Report" right now. By the way, don't forget to see me take on Csonka in a "take no prisoners, unless you plan to torture them under the "patriot act"" edition of Buy or Sell this week. Yeah, Csonka is probably looking for Evan's e-mail as you read this...offering up a nice juicy Thursday time slot. D'oh! Alright, see you guys in Burbank.
