Evolution Schematic 11.10.07: Colt Cabana
Posted by Mathew Sforcina on 11.10.2007
The Hottest Guy North Of Havana!
Writer's Notes
So, another week, another ES, albeit slightly late. But that's ok, I'm sure you all forgive me, right?
Right?
Eh, like I care. Ron's leaving. For good! Dammit. Well, I should be thankful in some small way, now I don't have a role model who is worse at staying on schedule than me, but then again, this is the guy without whom… Well, ok the Smark Superstar thing I won on my own, but still… It just feels weird to have outlasted Ron, at least in terms of still being here when he isn't. I'm nowhere near his 8 years, and I don't think I'll catch up to THAT. Still, Ron, I will certainly as hell miss you, and I will get to play a board game with you at some point.
And I'll kick your ass at it too.
If anyone has pointers on how to get my Wii to recognize a new controller, I'd be grateful.
Evolution Schematic Special Super Duper Bonus Video!
Feel free to have this on loop as you read. I think it helps out. Or will drive you insane, one of the two.
Overview
Professional Wrestling's not exact an easy gig. Obviously, the whole "Trying to hurt other people while avoiding being hurt" aspect is a bit of a grind, but beyond that, there's the travel, the politics, the abusive fans, the silent fans, the press, the training, the pain… It's not a pleasant business 95% of the time. Sure, the highest high can make up for all the lowest lows, but still, it's a bitch.
That's probably why so many wrestlers are so serious, so down to earth and not at all flamboyant. Several are, but most of the time, wrestlers wear simple outfits (maybe with some nice decoration, but still just trunks), train so hard, and don't care for the fans, or for having fun.
Fun, that's the real issue. Many wrestlers started as fans, having fun, then they got in, and lost that, until they eventually had brief moments of it again once they get to the very top of the business. But apart from that, this is serious, this is work, this is not fun!
Except to Colt Cabana.
Colt has, with a few clear exceptions, always maintained a sense of fun in his work. Be it hosting his own interview segments, be it dressing up as a giant Twinkie, be it throwing back to the 50's era of Pro Wrestling, or even now, as a small cog in the giant machine that is the WWE, he's still out having fun, having a laugh, enjoying himself.
And that has gotten him a lot of fans, and made a lot of his fellow wrestlers really, REALLY pissed off at him. But he's come through it all with a smile on his face, a bandana on his head, and a song in his heart.
Albeit a song about a murder and subsequent descent into madness.
Origins- Chicago. Well, there's worse places to hail from.
Scott Colton was born and raised in the outskirts of Chicago, Illinois. While not the fun-loving paradise you might expect him to hail from, Las Vegas or New Orleans, it clearly didn't hamper his fun-loving sensibilities, as he walked into Ace Steel's wrestling school a fun loving, casual guy, and left about the same, albeit a more highly trained one.
Debut- The Hard Slog Of The Indys
Colt Cabana debuted in mid 1999, but his first major exposure came in late 2002 when he made his debut in ROH. A lot happened to Colt in those years. He trained, he learnt, he wrestled all over America, he wrestled under a few different names, he wrestled as a giant Twinkie…
Well, not just any Twinkie, Twinkie The Kid, from that A&E special from that Family Guy show, so that's ok.
But still, Colt worked his butt off, trying to prove himself, trying to get a break, all while still having fun in the ring, especially when dressed like snack food. He won some belts around the place (including a Christian wrestling company's heavyweight belt…despite being Jewish.), but he still wanted a shot at the big time. And he got it. Sorta.
Phase 2- I would have taken the plane ticket too.
Colt and CM Punk were no strangers to each other, having been fellow trainees in the same school, training together, learning together. And, naturally, since both were hard workers wanting to make a name for themselves they traveled around, crossing paths here and there, staying in touch but focusing on their own careers first and foremost. But eventually, the two began to get booked on the same shows, the same companies. So the two, naturally, began to travel together to save on costs, since they lived near each other and were heading that way. And thus they both ended up getting drafted into ROH… But not quite at the same time. ROH was only just starting in 2002, and CM Punk debuted first, Colt for whatever reason not making his ROH in ring debut until November, where he fought CM Punk in his first match with the company, billed as a ‘Best Of The Mid-West' match, pinning Punk to get his ROH life off to a good start. The match was so good, a rematch was signed for the next show at the end of the year, where the winner would get airfares for future shows, the loser would still drive.
And their responses to this marked an interesting shift. Punk said that if he won, he'd still drive with Colt. Colt replied that he'd take the ticket. Hence, they two were not quite as close as Punk thought, and Colt, for all of his good times, was no fool. It was academic for him, however, since Punk won the rematch with the Pepsi Plunge, and thus they, presumably, continued to drive together.
This should have been a warning to Raven, but clearly he wasn't paying attention. See, Raven had come in to teach this straight-edge git Punk a lesson, and Punk was all "I'll show you, old man" and Colt, despite not winning air-fare and thus the official ROH seal of approval, wrestled in some 4 way matches, not winning, just existing on the ROH roster, as if waiting for his moment.
He got it when Punk challenged Raven to a tag match. Punk had Ace Steel, his trainer, so Raven chose Colt as his partner. Colt had a choice, and he made it. He nailed a moonsault off the top to the outside and ‘landed badly', ‘taking himself out'. So Raven fought alone and ended up winning, pinning Steel after an Evenflow. So Colt then got him and attacked Raven, since Punk was his best friend and Steel his trainer, and thus the Second City Saints were born.
Phase 3- Saints they ain't.
Colt immediately got an ROH title shot at the next show, albeit because Samoa Joe felt like it. He didn't win, but it appeared his betrayal had paid dividends, sort of. After some back and forth, the main force of the SCS became Punk and Cabana as a tag team. They worked well together, winning their first major match as a team in ROH, a 4 way scramble besting The Carnage Crew, The Briscoes and Special K. They beat Raven and BJ Whitmer in a No DQ match, they beat Raven and Chris Daniels, the duo was on a hell of a roll. As 2003 ended, Colt's singles career stalled, as he fought and lost in seemingly every one on one match he had, while his tag career with Punk were the sole highspots, Punk normally too busy fighting off Raven, Daniels, Steamboat, anyone who came near.
However, April 24th 2004 saw Colt's career path improve, as he and Punk won the ROH Tag Titles off The Briscoes at Chicago Ridge, Illinois.
Phase 3- Champs however, they is.
A few weeks later came the Annual ROH Round Robin Challenge. This saw Punk and Colt, the Briscoes, and The Prophecy (represented by Dan Maff & BJ Whitmer) in a round robin contest. This saw the Prophecy win the belts in the first match…
Phase 3b- Wait for it…
Only for them to lose them to the Briscoes in the second…
Phase 3c- Almost….
Who then lost them back to Colt and Punk in the main event.
Phase 3d- There we go!
Colt was Punk's trusted friend and ally as they feuded with tag teams, with legends, with everyone really. He did get the occasional single's match, including a real shot at the ROH Title on July 24th, Samoa Joe beating him to retain. But then, on the night Colt came out to ‘Superfreak' in tribute to Rick James' passing, he and Punk lost the belts to The Havana Pitbulls (Irony!).
Phase 4- No sign of Wallyworld… Wait, wrong film.
After the next show, at which Generation Next beat him down, Colt realised that he was getting slightly stale, that he was predictable and such in the ring. So, he took a leave from the Second City Saints, which then, while not disbanding, went onto the back-burner as Punk became a singles star due to his fights with Foley and Steamboat. While Punk became a star, in a way, Punk traveled Europe, reinventing himself, leaving the European methods and broadening his ability and style, keeping his fun-loving sensibility while learning a whole new style, albeit mostly British. But he did develop a hell of a European Uppercut, so you know he learnt well.
It wasn't until 2005 that Colt would be seen in an ROH ring in any significant way again, coming back for the 3rd Anniversary and getting an ROH title shot against new champ Austin Aries inside a cage. Colt's new style and unusual and unorthodox moves (at least to an American like Austin) proved almost too much for Aries, Colt nearly winning by climbing over the top, a last second dive by Aries out the door the only thing saving his title.
"Classic" Colt Cabana then found himself with two new partners. Nigel McGuinness, a man he meshed with well given their now similar styles, he fought and beat in singles contests them found himself partnered with after Bobby Heenan chose them to represent him, the duo then getting a tag shot before self-destructing. Steve Corino on the other hand was a sub for Ace Steel in the Trios Tournament, becoming an honorary Saint right up until they lost a match and Corino and Punk had an argument. But then, Corino vanished, so Colt just had one target in his sights.
Phase 5- Yeah? Well… Your Iron's Stupid!
Throughout 2005, as Colt continued to fly out to Europe and tour extensively to learn, he fought Nigel at almost every show, the two constantly cheap-shoting each other, lying, cheating, all while maintaining an air of being above board, as the two fought in tag matches, #1 contenders matches, at almost every show. Eventually though, just as CM Punk, freshly signed to the WWE and ROH champ ‘accidentally' cost Colt a match against Chris Daniels, Nigel won their feud, beating Colt in a European Rules match.
Things then got a bit emotional as CM Punk lost the ROH title, and headed for the WWE, Colt winning a 2/3 falls match in Punk's ‘final' ROH match, the two embracing after the match was over, Punk on his way, the Second City Saints dead. Colt was done with his European Tours, and after another shot and loss to the ROH Champ, now James Gibson, Colt seemed directionless, his interview segments notwithstanding. "Good Times, Great Memories" was always a side project for him, just something to have a bit of fun with, nothing overly serious.
But this whole thing ended when someone got sick and tired of Colt's attitude.
Phase 6- Chairs, coat hangers, DRANO…
September 17th, 2005. Homicide vs. Colt Cabana. The first time the two had ever fought one on one, and Homicide, like most of his opponents, was getting frustrated by Colt's goofy counters, European influenced style, and his general overall attitude. So, sick of it, he went and got himself DQed by clocking Colt with a chair.
This set off one of the most violent feuds in ROH history, with Homicide using everything he could get his hands on to injure Colt, in an attempt to just take this whole thing seriously. Chairs, other Rottweilers, tables, forks, coat hangers (which Homicide used to win a No DQ match via choking out) and of course, the real topper, when Homicide at the final show of '05 fought Steve Corino, and when Colt came out to save his friend (the two making up after Corino popped back up), Homicide pored Drano down his throat.
I'm going to repeat that. He poured Drano down Colt's throat.
Proof Homicide is insane and very dangerous, and that Colt's a lucky SOB.
But at every turn, Homicide would win the match, Colt kept trying to up the ante, Ghetto Street Fight, Falls Count Anywhere but Homicide would keep winning, keep proving that Colt could never be serious, until eventually Colt got nasty. Colt stopped having fun, and focused on kicking Homicide's ass, and on April Fool's Day 2006 (Irony!) in a Chicago Street Fight, Colt finally got a win, and with it, Homicide's respect. Homicide apologized for everything, and Colt, like a true man, accepted it.
Then Barry Manilow hit.
And just like that, the Old Colt was BACK!
Which in some ways is a shame since Serious Colt showed promise. But he just wasn't fun, I guess.
Phase 7- Going Up, then stalling.
Colt's career then seemed to go backwards when he lost to ROH Champ Danielson in under 5 minutes. He blamed this on several months of ‘brawling' as opposed to wrestling, and so focused on his training, and earned another shot, a 2/3 falls, this one ending as a draw, 1 fall apiece then the time limit ran out.
This seemed to show Colt that his chances of upward progression in ROH were limited, so he looked for some other way to have fun. And found Lacey.
Phase 7b- Happy Happy Time! Except for Jimmy Jacobs, of course.
He and Lacey hooked up, breaking the heart of Lacey's then client, Jimmy Jacobs. The two seemed oblivious to how Jimmy truly loved Lacey, who disliked Jimmy given his failures in the past. Colt was just having a good time, and enjoyed making Jimmy look stupid in the ring while Lacey kept telling him to leave Colt alone, to help him. Jimmy would snap a couple of times at Colt's goofy behaviour and Lacey's berating, but each and every time, instead of Lacey noticing or caring about Jimmy's pain and mental anguish, she focused instead on Colt's balls.
Since they were almost always injured.
But then came the moment that everything changed. See, Lacey fired Jimmy from her stable, Lacey's Angels given his constant stuff ups. But she still went with Colt to the ring, and since he still tagged with Jimmy, she was stuck with him, right up until Lacey officially offered Colt a spot in her group.
Colt then gave her ‘The Speech', about how just because they were knocking boots didn't mean she had any right to be his manager. After this brush off, she ordered Jimmy to attack Colt. After Jimmy realised he wasn't going to get any hugs or kisses from Lacey, he attacked anyway, and now Colt had lost Lacey.
Phase 8- Matt Classic.
As Colt fought against the revamped Angels, he also joined the upstart WSX, Wrestling Society X. But in a fed full of daredevils and high fliers and explosions, he was disgusted at the lack of old school, respectable wrestling. So, he took it upon himself to single-handedly bring it in. Wearing a mask, he became Matt Classic, wrestling an old school style, proving to these youngsters and to MTV that old doesn't mean bad. But he wasn't really that successful, as opposed to ROH…
Phase 9- Meanwhile…
As 07 started, Colt found himself fighting Lacey, Jimmy Jacobs and Adam Pierce in various combinations, no fury like woman scorned, so on and so forth. He eventually got a major win in his home town, beating Jacobs in a Windy City Death Match. And then the WWE finally signed him up. After fulfilling his contractual obligations, he left ROH with much fanfare and a tear in his eye, and headed for OVW.
Today- Having fun on TV!
Today Colt is OVW TV Champion, after fighting for Al Snow and proving himself, the man is now a champion, all while still having fun, albeit with an incredibly stupid nickname. Colt "Boom Boom" Cabana. Seriously, WTF?
Overview
For a man so obsessed with fun, it's surprising that Colt has such a serious side, and that he can mask it so easily. Just like that, it can come out, just like that, it's gone. So perhaps it's best for everyone that it stays buried, and we just enjoy Colt's fun side. It might very well be better than the alternative.
At the Copa, Copacabana…
And now, another sliver of a fractured view of life, as from the pen of Dave Lovelace...
