The Thursday Slim-To-None News Report 11.15.07
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 11.15.2007
I’ve got all the latest wrestling news (including breaking news concerning JBL touching John Morrison in a bad way), Instant Analysis: Smackdown vs. Raw 2008, The Best of the WWE D-Show Squash Matches Part II, and a few more inappropriate Lita jokes. Thursday hasn’t been this much fun since the last season of Seinfeld.
This was supposed to happen differently, but I guess plans change sometimes. So I need to begin today by telling you that there's been a change here at 411's Thursday News Report. Last week in his usual Thursday Small-For-All News Report, Jeff Small announced that he would no longer be writing the Final Fantasy Heat Report. What he wanted to wait until this week to announce is that he will also no longer be writing the Thursday Small-For-All News Report. This was supposed to be his farewell column. As some of you may already know, starting next week Small will be writing exclusively for another web site that I'm not supposed to mention by name but with which I'm sure you're all familiar. We here at 411 have known about Small's decision for quite some time, and Larry decided that I would be the best choice to take over the Thursday News Report. The plan was for Small to write one final column, say good-bye to all of his 411 readers, and pass the baton to me. I wasn't supposed to take over until next week. But at the last minute I received an email from Larry stating simply, "Write the column. Write the damn column." I'm still a bit confused, but I can only assume that for some reason Larry has decided not to have Small write his final column. And I'm not really all that comfortable about how this has all happened. True, Small and I have had our differences, but I always respected his ability as a writer. He deserved to be able to say good-bye on his own terms. Hell, for all I know Small actually did write his final column, and he's going to be as surprised as everyone else when he checks the site tomorrow and finds my column in place of his. But like I said, I only just found out about the change in plans, so I should probably reserve further comment until I get the full story. So for now, let's just talk about some wrestling.
Wrestling News. It's Like Heroin for Dorks.
You all know that I'm 411's own Quintessential Stud Muffin, but you may not be aware that I'm also one hell of good news reporter. Baby, I'm a regular Renaissance Man. So here's the drill. I'll throw out a couple of the most recent news stories to make their way across the 411 newswire, and then I'll give you what I know you came for: my honest, sincere, and always thought provoking opinions. And we're off…
Topic Number One: Edge is going to have to have the good touch / bad touch talk with John Morrison now, isn't he?
There was a physical incident between JBL and John Morrison last night at the Smackdown taping.
After the taping ended, JBL got several wrestlers together including John Morrison, The Miz, Matt Hardy, MVP, and CM Punk. He berated Morrison and Miz for the commentary they did during ECW On Sci-Fi, stating that their back and forth exchanges overshadowed the Punk/Jamie Noble match and made Punk look bad going into Survivor Series. He also got upset with them for their work in their tag team match against MVP and Matt Hardy during the Smackdown taping.
JBL's logic was apparently to stand up for the performers who he felt made Morrison and Miz look good, only for them to not return the favor and make everyone look poorly.
JBL then told Morrison and Miz to apologize to Punk, Hardy, and MVP for making them look bad. Miz apologized but Morrison grew angry at JBL's comments. Morrison told JBL that it wasn't his job to tell him what to do. He said he would apologize but not because JBL told him to, cursed at JBL, and then pushed him. The two then went back and forth a bit before John Laurinaitis and other WWE staffers broke it up.
I literally saw this seconds before I was about to submit the column. That means I don't have much time to comment other than to say, um, well fuck. As you'll see later on in this column, I mention several times that I've grown quite fond of both Morrison and Miz. And now I wish that last sentence hadn't sounded quite as gay as it did. But anyway, I seriously hope this doesn't have any negative repercussions for either Miz or Morrison. It sounds like Miz is probably in the clear, but we've actually seen guys released from their contracts, or at least seriously de-pushed, for less than what Morrison seems to have just done. So like I said, well fuck. And for the record, I actually enjoyed the banter between Morrison and Miz during the ECW Main Event. I thought that they each played their roles well, and to me that was the entire point of the segment. Did they detract from the Punk / Noble match? Of course. But that's what guest commentators do. You don't have guest commentators if you want to focus to remain on the in-ring action. I won't argue with JBL if he's upset that attention was taken away from the match. The match was pretty damn good, and it deserved to be in the spotlight. But I don't think the fault lies with Morrison and Miz. The fault lies with whoever decided to put Morrison and Miz in the position where they were forced to take attention away from the match. As far as I'm concerned, they were only doing their jobs.
Topic Number Two: We can only hope this ends with the phrase, "Mickie James screwed Mickie James." Because that would be SO hot.
The updated Survivor Series Card is as follows:
(My comments will follow each match.)
World Title Hell in the Cell Match Batista vs. The Undertaker
Oh hell yeah. Seriously, rock the fuck on. The Undertaker has a history of outstanding performances in Hell in a Cell matches, so you know that he'll be at the top of his game. And even in 2007, the Undertaker at the top of his game is a freaking sight to behold. Then, on the other side of the ring, you have Big Dave. Dave's only been in on Hell in a Cell match, but it was freaking awesome. Then you can add in to that that Dave's last two pay-per-view matches greatly exceeded expectations. I'm still in awe of that cage-to-cage leap in the Punjabi Prison Match. So when all is said and done, and I don't see how you can expect this match to be anything other than great. The Batista / Undertaker feud has done wonders to elevate the stature of the World Heavyweight Championship, and that's a great thing for WWE now that Cena isn't around to carry (literally) the WWE Championship.
WWE Title Match
If Michaels Uses the Superkick, He is DQed; If Orton is DQed, He Loses Title Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels
Wait, so Michaels can't use Sweet Chin Music? Dude, he's fucked, right? I mean, that's his finishing move, right? I mean, it's not like he can win a match, much less a championship, with any other move, right? I mean, there's no way that Michaels could ever win the WWE Championship… at Survivor Series… with a move other than Sweet Chin Music. I mean, he'd have to use something completely different… maybe some sort of submission… maybe something like the Sha… Oh, I get it now…
ECW Title Match CM Punk vs. The Miz vs. John Morrison
I'll discuss this a bit more in my Instant Analysis of Smackdown vs. Raw 2008, but I actually on quite fond of the new ECW. I love CM Punk, John Morrison has a ton of potential, and as much as I hate to admit it, The Miz is actually growing on me. Although he really needs to point out that John Morrison also got his start on a reality show. So yeah, this should be a fun little match. They won't get enough time, but at this point we should really be used to that. My only disappointment is that (at least at this point) it doesn't look like Jamie Noble will be involved in the match. I would TOTALLY dig a fatal four-way with Noble.
Survivor Series Elimination Match Triple H, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Kane, & Rey Mysterio vs. Mr. Kennedy, Umaga, Big Daddy V, MVP, & Finlay
Hey, at least we get some small link to the classic Survivor Series matches. My all time favorite Survivor Series team was DX, the Hardy Boyz, and CM Punk from last year, and we've got three of those five back in the face team this year. Umaga, MVP, and Finlay can seem to do no wrong, so this match could actually be pretty good as long as Mr. Kennedy ad Big Daddy V get eliminated early. You know, like Mike Knox did last year. And yes, Shawn asking if Knox was on the team still makes me laugh.
World Tag Team Titles Match Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes OR Paul London & Brian Kendrick OR The Highlanders
And this is what happens when you let Heat have a pay-per-view match. The match should be fine, and I understand the purpose here, but it SUCKS that the qualifying match is going to be shown on Thursday instead of included in Heat on Friday. That was my one chance at covering a match that actually mattered… Damn you, WWF! Damn you straight to hell!
P.S. Thanks Ron. We'll miss you.
The Great Khali vs. Hornswoggle
I miss Dink.
Beth Phoenix, Layla, Jillian Hall, Melina, & Victoria vs. Kelly Kelly, Melina, Michelle McCool, Maria, & Torrie Wilson
Ten hot chicks rolling around and getting sweaty? Hell, that usually costs me way more than forty bucks. Hell yeah I'm on board.
Topic Number Three: Random News
So here's the deal. I usually only have something important or relevant to say for two or three stories every time I do one of these News Reports. Okay, that's not quite true. I usually only have something random or pointless to say for two or three stories every time I do one of these News Reports. At any rate, that usually means there are some smaller stories that I have to skip over completely, but this time I thought I'd collect them all and throw them together in their own little section. They may be small stories, but even small stories need some lovin'.
WWE.com will have an exclusive match this Thursday. The match will be The Highlanders vs. London & Kendrick vs. Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes in a 3-way with the winners facing Cade & Murdoch at the Survivor Series PPV. That match was taped prior to RAW on Monday and the result of it is available here.
While Edge is featured on the Survivor Series poster, there are no plans to announce any sort of involvement on his part on the show in advance.
As reported earlier, the plan is to have Chris Jericho make his return to WWE this Monday on RAW.
CNN released the following statement regarding the controversy over their editing of John Cena's interview in their recent pro-wrestling documentary:
CNN felt that Mr. Cena's statement in the interview: "My answer to that question 'have you ever used steroids' is -- the only thing I can say -- I can't tell you that I haven't, but you'll never be able to prove that I have" was a more expansive and complete answer -- and that's why we used it in the first run of the program. And we stand by that decision. But, we added the other quote on the Sunday replay where Mr. Cena first denied using steroids. We did this because of his complaint and the attention it received so that viewers could see how he said it both times." Cena and WWE wanted an apology from CNN but it doesn't appear as if that will happen.
WWE has recently sent out a letter to shareholders stating the following: "We will release the names of performers who are suspended for violating our drug policy, but not the details of why they were suspended."
The Divas section is back up on WWE.com.
Rey Mysterio is scheduled to meet with 500 fans at the Toys R Us in Times Square tomorrow.
WWE RAW did a 3.5 rating this week, down from last week. The show did hours of 3.4 and 3.6.
AM RAW did a 0.7 rating over the weekend.
Pacman Jones has accepted a plea bargain in his shooting case. Jones will now plead no contest to one charge to commit disorderly conduct and will not have to serve a one year jail sentence. He will have to testify in court against the shooter, who his lawyer claims Jones knows. The shooting left former pro-wrestler Thomas Urbanski paralyzed. Jones will also have to attend anger management, complete 200 hours of community service within the year, and submit to random drug testing.
D'Lo Brown started his tryout as a TNA agent at Genesis and the Impact taping yesterday.
The Road to Genesis special on Saturday did a .31 rating. The Impact replay did a .48 rating. The Road to Genesis replay did a .18 rating.
The Slim-To-None Instant Analysis: WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 for the PS2
There are, throughout your life, certain days each year that you look forward to with special zeal and vigor. Birthdays. Holidays. The Super Bowl. But for me, it's that day each November when the new WWE game is released. When I was a kid, I had an original Nintendo (complete with Zapper and Track Pad), a Super Nintendo, and a Game Boy. Unfortunately, my schedule became a bit more restrictive during high school and college, and I missed a couple of generations of gaming systems. My next plunge into the world of gaming came in 2002 when I bought a PS2 and a copy of WWE Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth. Baby, I was hooked. It was easy to see that, to say the least, much had changed since the days of the Super Nintendo. And so, from that point forward, I have eagerly anticipated the release of each subsequent edition of the Smackdown video game franchise. Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain, Smackdown vs. Raw, Smackdown vs. Raw 2006, and Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 all followed, and I've been along for the ride. Along the way my dear sweet PS2 became a bit outdated as the X-Box 360 and PS3 burst onto the scene, but my grad student salary (or, as we like to say, the lack thereof) means that I'll be in a committed relationship with my PS2 for a few more years. Anyway, that brings us to this Tuesday. So let me walk you through the last two days of my life:
Tuesday, 5:00 PM – Leave Work
Tuesday, 5:30 PM – Purchase Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 for the PS2
Tuesday, 6:00 PM – Arrive at my grandmother's house for dinner
Tuesday, 10:00 PM – Arrive at my house and turn on the PS2
Wednesday, 10:00 AM – Turn of the PS2 and head back to work
Wednesday, 5:00 PM – Try to write something that halfway resembles a decent News Report
Yes, that's right, I didn't go to bed last night. I can never go to bed the night after I buy the newest Smackdown game. Each year I say that I'm actually going to get some sleep, and each night I prove myself to be a liar by staying up all night anyway. So here I am, trying to write a News Report that I didn't expect to be writing, having not slept a wink last night. I think my mouse is talking to me. But I do have twelve hours of time with Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 under my belt, so I thought I'd give you my first impressions of the game. This is, to be certain, not meant to be any sort of real video game review. I'm not a gamer. I buy wresting games and I play wrestling games because I love wrestling. And I tend to judge wrestling games not as a fan of video games but as a fan of wrestling. So keep that in mind. And like I said, keep in mind that I've only played the game for twelve hours, and right now I'm working on absolutely no sleep.
The first thing that I have to discuss is the inclusion of ECW is this year's edition of the game. I LOVED the original ECW, and I think I'm one of the few members of the IWC who still has some degree of fondness for the new ECW as well. Mark my words, CM Punk, John Morrison, Elijah Burke, and The Miz are the future of this business. And I love the fact that ECW is giving us the chance to watch them develop into the stars that they will one day become. So I was greatly looking forward to the inclusion of ECW. What I found was a bit of a mixed bag. Yes, CM Punk, John Morrison (as Johnny Nitro), Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, Tommy Dreamer, The Sandman, Sabu, Mick Foley, and even Terry F'N Funk are all playable characters in the game. Oh hell yeah. Rock the fuck on. Sabu, Foley, and Funk are unlockables, but that's fine for characters of their stature. I'm a bit confused as to why Sabu made the game but Rob Van Dam didn't given the fact that Sabu was released from his contract BEFORE RVD opted not to renew his contract, but such are the mysteries of the wrestling world. My major disappointment was that NONE of the aforementioned ECW wrestlers are playable in the new 24/7 career mode. NOT COOL. In fact, for the career mode you are limited to a choice of only 19 wrestlers from Raw and Smackdown. I was so hoping to be able to play through a year in the life of an ECW wrestler, and going back to Raw seems like a bit of a disappointment. However, ECW does play a prominent role in the storylines during career mode, so it's not a complete loss. But I still want to take Punk all the way. And now I get to once again play as my beloved and ever reliable Shawn Michaels, so in the end I'm happy enough.
Moving on, there are many new features of the career mode, most of which I won't have time to discuss here. However, one that I love is that each match in career mode now gets star ratings. Meltzer has invaded my PS2! The game will even keep track of how many five star matches you produce. As I said, I'm currently playing as Shawn Michaels. So far my only five star match has been a steel cage match against Mick Foley. However, my two favorite matches have been a hardcore match against Sabu and an Extreme Rules match against CM Punk. Both of those matches only received four and a half stars, but damn if they both weren't hella fun. And yes, there actually is a difference between a hardcore match and an Extreme Rules match in this game. The hardcore match is basically the same hardcore match that has always been in the game. You can still use the "brawl in the crowd" feature from last year's edition, and I did some wicked damage to Sabu in the crowd. I finished the match with a moonsault from the scaffolding through a table. Sweet fucking spot. But the Extreme Rules match is even better. During one of these matches, when you look under the ring for plunder, you actually get your choice of eight different weapons. So you can pick the exact weapon that you need for any given situation. There are tables and ladders and chairs, yadda, yadda, yadda. But the best part? You can LIGHT THE FUCKING TABLES! Is there anything more ECW than FLAMING TABLES? I think not. I had pretty much beaten the snot out of Punk and was really just toying with him by the end. I hit him with the G2S (Michaels is one of the few wrestlers in the game who can steal his opponent's finisher), lit the table, and finished the match with a Razor's Edge through the flaming table. It was the coolest thing that's ever happened to me at 5:30 in the morning. And to be honest, I'm still not really sure how I lit the table. I was actually going for Sweet Chin Music, but somehow I lit the damn table instead. I think it had something to do with a full momentum meter or something. I'll have to experiment more tonight. But once the fire was burning, I knew I had to use it. So yeah, much love to the star ratings and the flaming tables.
I also want to discuss a few of the storylines that I've played through so far. So here's the obligatory
SPOILER ALERT
The first story was a fairly generic Number One Contender storyline in which you battle three other SuperStars to become the Number One Contender. In my case I was fighting with John Cena, Edge, and Johnny Nitro, and I was more than happy to see a variety of matches between those three guys and me, Shawn Michaels. So thumbs up there. However, I did notice that the Champion never made an appearance during this story, and in fact he was never mentioned by name. I assumed, based on who clearly didn't have the title, that the Champion must have been Triple H. Little did I know… Anyway, at Backlash I defeated John Cena to become the Number One Contender.
The next story was my first actual title hunt. And boy was I surprised when, on Raw, the night after I defeated John Cena to become the Number One Contender, the Champion was revealed to be… John Cena. The fuck? That kind of lack of continuity between storylines drives me crazy in these kinds of games. Would it be so hard to pick a champion and stick with him? Hell, the real WWE did it for more than a year. Is it so much to ask for a video game to do the same? Anyway, this story focused around four Superstars including myself trying to earn a title shot… even though that's exactly what I did in the last story. This is becoming worrisome. In the story, the problem is that two of the potential challengers are really "good friends" with the Champ and may just be running interference for him. And who are John Cena's two "good friends?" That's right, Kenny Dykstra and The Great Khali. The fuck? Look, I'm not asking for strict adherence to WWE continuity. But just give me something believable. For instance, what about JTG and Shad (both of whom are, surprisingly, in the game)? Or what about Carlito and Johnny Nitro? All four of those guys would be better, more believable friends / flunkies for Cena. But Dykstra and Khali? Not so much. Oh, and who is the fourth potential challenger? Mick Foley. And that's where things get REALY creepy…
So one of the main themes of this story is that me and the other face challenger (i.e., Foley) must cooperate to take care of the two heel challengers, namely Dykstra and Khali. But the way that Foley is portrayed is just all kinds of wrong. He's portrayed as mentally unbalanced and possibly untrustworthy. And then, after some suspicious behavior, he mysteriously goes missing and no-shows the next event. Jonathan Coachman becomes concerned about his well being. And I get more than a bit uncomfortable. I mean, yes, Mick does show up eventually, but that whole story was just way too reminiscent of the biggest wrestling story of 2007, and I can't believe it was left in the game six months later. I'm not even making a judgment call about whether it should have been removed from the game or not. I'm just saying I'm shocked that some suit at WWE didn't require it to be removed. It was, I dunno, unnerving, to say the least.
END SPOILER ALERT
Finally, let me say just a few words about the voice work in the game. We're once again treated to full voice over work including cell phone messages. What really surprised me is not so much who did a great job as who, um, didn't. On the one hand, John Cena and Edge did absolutely phenomenal work. Their cell phone messages are completely believable, and there's some great subtle intonation. The way that Edge in particular still manages to exude the absolute essence of a cocky prick is just amazing. So major props to both guys. However, give the fact that both Cena and Edge cut first rate promos in real life (did I just call professional wrestling "real life?"), maybe it shouldn't be so surprising that their voice work in the game is excellent. However, what did surprise me was how mediocre both Mick Foley and Tommy Dreamer sounded. You could tell that both of them we reading directly from scripts, and that really ruined the illusion of the game. But it's not like we're talking about two guys who can't work the mic. Dreamer, and ESPECIALLY Foley, have cut some amazing promos during their career. I guess some guys just need to be in front of a camera in order to perform. I hear Ron Jeremy is a lot like that…
Hey, do you like dese hoes? Yeah? Well, I got her number. How do you like D-Shows?
Forgive me. That really was the stupidest into ever. But it made me giggle, so I had to keep it. Anyway, most of you probably know that I made my name here at 411 by writing the Best Damn Heat Report on the Net each and every week, so it should come as no surprise that I have a special place in my heart for all of the WWE D-Shows. Over the years we've been treated to a number of D-Shows including Heat, Velocity, Jakked, and Metal, and in their own way each of these shows has added to the rich history of WWE. One of my favorite aspects of these shows is that the developmental talent featured in the frequent squash matches sometimes go on to become huge names in the business, and so watching these shows gives you a sneak peak at tomorrow's stars. So now, Slim-To-None Productions, in collaboration with YouTube, presents The Best of the WWE D-Show Squash Matches Part II.
CM Punk vs. Val Venis from WWE Heat
Alex Shelley vs. Simon Dean from WWE Heat
Ken Anderson (a.k.a. Mr. Kennedy) vs. Sean O'Haire from WWE Velocity
Okay, this last one really doesn't qualify as a squash match, but it does feature a developmental talent who is currently in the midst of the biggest push of his career…
Frankie Kazarian vs. Paul London from WWE Velocity
Without Wrestling, I'd Have Nothing to Watch but "Journeyman"
Side Note: Seriously, let me just say that Journeyman is like the greatest thing to happen to network television in a hella long time. I mean, DAMN, Livia lives in freaking 1948! Talk about your long-distance relationships. But yeah, I'm seriously loving that show right now.
Monday on Raw, there were ten men in action in the main event. Or, as Lita calls it, a typical Monday night. Arnold Furious covered this episode in his 11.12.07 411's WWE Raw Report. Larry Csonka covered this episode in his 11.12.07 The Tremendous Tirade: WWE Raw. JD Dunn covered this episode in his 11.12.07 RAWtopsy.
Tuesday on ECW on Sci-Fi, Matt Hardy was torn between the two men that he loved. Um, would it be tacky to use two Lita jokes back-to-back? Michael Bauer covered this episode in his 11.13.07 411's ECW on Sci-Fi Report. Larry Csonka covered this episode in his 11.13.07 The Tremendous Tirade: ECW on Sci-Fi.
Okay kids, that's it for this edition of the Thursday Slim-To-None News Report. Feel free to email me with any thoughts or, um, good pumpkin pie recipes. No, seriously. My family is coming to town for Thanksgiving, and either I add something productive to the meal or my mother spends the day bemoaning the fact that I have yet to find myself a nice girl to do the cooking for me. So please, dear readers, I'm begging you. I need a pumpkin pie recipe. My sanity depends on it.
Meehan's in tomorrow. I'll be back next week. Later.
