The Wrestling News Experience 11.19.07
Posted by Stephen Randle on 11.19.2007
Survivor Series outcomes, big returns, Raw previews, CNN goes under the microscope, backstage rumbles and one from 1999 as well, plus I've been here for four years. Damn, I'm old.
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I'm Stephen Randle, and it's come to my attention (through my incredible ego) that as of this Tuesday, I'll have spent four years at 411 as a news columnist. In that time, I've moved days three times, taken pride in only missing a handful of days in that time, been promoted to co-Editor, been demoted from that position when it became apparent that Larry was doing all the work (no, I'm not bitter, it was deserved), and been voted by the fans as the Most Positive Columnist on 411. So, to all my millions…and millions of fans…this latest bout of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is for you.
Let's begin.
PPV In Review - WWE Survivor Series 2007
Larry, of course, comes through with the live coverage.
CM Punk pinned The Miz after a GTS in a Triple Threat match involving John Morrison to retain the ECW title
Absolutely the right decision, which is what shocks me, since I was pretty sure that they want to get the title back on Morrison. Although perhaps his extra-curricular activities involving JBL played a part here.
Mickie James pinned Melina after a Long Kiss Goodnight in a 10-Diva tag team match
It's probably for the best that this was short, although one imagines that Beth Phoenix is going to destroy roughly…um…every single Diva in arm's reach tonight on Raw.
Also, I expect to see YouTube of Melina screwing up her "bounce into the splits" entrance making the rounds as early as…now.
Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch defeated Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes with the West Texas (ne: Canadian) Destroyer to retain the World Tag Team titles
Perfectly acceptable, but I question who will rise to challenge Cade and Murdoch now, as they're pretty much booked as head-and-shoulders above everyone on Raw. Although I guess they haven't faced the awesome power of the Highlanders quite yet.
Triple H and Jeff Hardy were the Survivors in the traditional Survivor Series match
I'll pause so you can act shocked.
Just to make the odds more overwhelming, the face team started down a man, since Matt Hardy could not compete. Geez, that's two PPV's in a row he's gotten screwed out of a payday.
Oh, and to make it even more of a disadvantage, Jeff and Triple H eliminated ALL of the heels after Kane and Rey were taken out early, which is…interesting, to say the least. Is it possible that Jeff is actually on track for a massive push?
The Great Khali defeated Hornswoggle by DQ when Finlay interfered to protect Hornswoggle
Well, that's an interesting turn of events for the Belfast Brawler, especially since last week he beat the crap out of Rey with a laptop and smiled about it. I guess the message is clear: nobody beats up Finlay's leprechaun except Finlay.
Randy Orton defeated Shawn Michaels with an RKO to retain the WWE title
Hey, when did Shawn start wrestling as a submissions specialist? Anyway, pretty much how I expected it to play out, as Shawn nearly attempted the Superkick, remembered the stips, and got pinned while distracted. So, who's next for Orton? Hmmm….I wonder…
Batista defeated The Undertaker when Edge knocked Taker out with a Conchairto to retain the World Heavyweight title
Wait for it…wait for it…Stephen Called It!
Well, come on, he was in all the advertising, but they never mentioned him returning on TV. What did you think was going to happen?
Overall…I can't help but feel like I have to recommend this one. Stuff happened that intrigued me, the wrestling was acceptably decent, and it makes me look forward to what plays out on TV this week. And speaking of which…
What's On Tap - WWE Raw for November 19
Plus some other stuff, I'm sure.
Oh, all right. Randy Orton successfully defended his WWE Title last night at Survivor Series, but still ate another Superkick after the match. Will HBK continue stalking Orton, or will another challenger rise to the occasion?
Plus, Triple H and Jeff Hardy, both Raw Superstars, were the survivors of their elimination match. How will their victory play out tonight?
Around The Horn
In case you hadn't cracked the code yourself yet…I don't know, maybe you have a learning disability in math. It's nothing to laugh at…anyway, the countdown runs out at 10:30 tonight. Just in case you weren't watching Raw anyway. Hey, the writers are all on strike, and Monday Night Football's a bad matchup, what else were you going to watch?
Floating up out of the backstage quagmire, apparently John Morrison may have taken his career into his own hands, after getting in a scuffle with JBL in the locker room. The way the story appears to break down, JBL gathered up The Miz, Morrison, CM Punk, MVP, and Matt Hardy, and accused Miz and Morrison of excessively tearing down Punk and talking too much while doing commentary on ECW on Sci-Fi on Tuesday, then not trying hard enough during their Smackdown tag title matches with MVP and Matt Hardy on Smackdown. Morrison and Miz both agreed to apologize to Punk, MVP and Hardy, but Morrison apparently took offense at JBL sticking his nose in and a shoving match ensued. Setting aside JBL's known history of bullying, the commentary during the Punk match was noticeably horrible and distracting. I didn't really see any problems with the tag match, unless they actually did injure Matt's leg. However, on the basis of the commentary alone, something probably did need to be said. Morrison, however, should definitely have known better, especially coming off a suspension like he is. Anyway, here's the short form: JBL: bully, but justified. Morrison: dumb. MVP: half-man, half-amazing. That is all.
There is talk that congressional hearing about steroids in sports (and pro wrestling) will resume in the new year, probably in order to justify someone's paycheck or distract from the latest controversy. Isn't it great that we live in such a suspicious and cynical society?
Meanwhile, CNN has refused to apologize for their editing of a John Cena statement during their documentary that was made to seem as if Cena was admitting to using steroids. See, because they weren't being unethical, they were just simplifying the quote so that we, the viewers, would understand easier. CNN…meet me at Camera Three.
swivels to face Camera Three
You know, you already had the greatest anti-wrestling story possible. You had a wrestler kill his wife, kid, and himself, you had the Signature Pharmacy scandal, and you had the Dynamite Kid all set and ready to show how drugs and wrestling ruined his life. Wasn't that enough for you? You had the story, you had the truth, but you thought to yourself…well, the truth is a great story. But lies…man, if we tell lies, we can have an even greater story! I have to say, doesn't it make you shudder to think how many news stories have been "modified" that haven't had a separate camera crew taping the unedited interview for their own purposes? I guess wrestling fans should be thankful: no matter how spin-oriented, deceitful and paranoid the news gathering organizations are, they're no match for the public figure of Vince McMahon.
swivels back
Apparently the latest plans for Ric Flair are to have him return next Monday, when Raw originates from his hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. I guess they figured out his retirement storyline, then. In a similar vein, Goldberg announced that there is as much chance of him returning to wrestling as there is him going to MMA. That would be none. As of press time, reportedly tens of people actually cared what Goldberg had to say.
And speaking of people who we actually care what they say, The Game Plan starring the Rock dropped off the top 10 at the box office this week, finishing at #11 and thus denying me a long running news item. Fortunately, the Rock's newest movie, Southland Tales, is set for wide release this week. We'll try and pretend that it wasn't delayed many, many months due to horrible early reviews, because it's the Rock, and we love him in ways that would disgust most people.
Who's Holding Gold
So, all the champions retained at Survivor Series, and Kurt gets to hold onto his title for at least another month (along with Styles and Tomko), what with the next PPV being a tag match involving the Angle Alliance vs Hall, Nash, and Joe. What is it Melchor keeps saying? Oh right, it's not Bash at the Beach 1996, but it's all we got.
WWE
WWE Champion: Randy Orton
- 43 day reign
- defeated Triple H on October 7th (No Mercy PPV)
- Last Man Standing stipulation
World Heavyweight Champion: Batista
- 64 day reign
- defeated The Great Khali on September 16th (Unforgiven PPV)
- triple threat stipulation involving Rey Mysterio
ECW World Champion: CM Punk
- 76 day reign
- defeated John Morrison on September 4th (ECW on SciFi)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Jeff Hardy
- 77 day reign
- defeated Umaga on September 3rd (Raw)
WWE United States Champion: MVP
- 183 day reign
- defeated Chris Benoit on May 20th (Judgment Day PPV)
- 2/3 Falls stipulation
World Tag Team Champions: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
- 64 day title reign
- defeated Paul London and Brian Kendrick on September 9th (South Africa house show)
**NEW** WWE Tag Team Champions: John Morrison and The Miz
- 3 day reign
- defeated MVP and Matt Hardy on November 16 (Smackdown)
WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Title Vacant
- Previous champion Hornswoggle forced to vacate the title due to "his status as a McMahon" on September 28th (Smackdown)
WWE Women's Champion: Beth Phoenix
- 43 day reign
- defeated Candice Michelle on October 7th (No Mercy PPV)
TNA
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
- 25 day reign
- defeated Sting on October 25th (Impact)
TNA Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles and Tomko
- 36 day reign
- defeated Team Pacman on October 14th (Bound For Glory PPV)
TNA X-Division Champion: "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal
- 71 day reign
- defeated Kurt Angle on September 9th (No Surrender PPV)
TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
- 36 day reign
- won a Gauntlet match to claim the newly created title
- Gauntlet match stipulation involving Amazing Kong, ODB, Christy Hemme, Traci Brooks, Jackie Moore, Angel Williams, Talia Madison, Shelly Martinez and Roxxi Laveaux
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 11.12.07
WWE
- Ashley, SD!, out indefinitely as of June 8 (kayfabe, suspension)
- Bobby Lashley, RAW, out 4-6 months as of July 23 (shoulder)
- Candice Michelle, RAW, out 4-6 weeks as of October 22nd (cracked clavicle)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- D.H. Smith, RAW, out 30 days as of November 1 (Wellness violation)
- Edge, SD!, out four months as of July 17th (pectoral)
- Gregory Helms, SD!, out one year as of May 17th (neck surgery)
- John Cena, RAW, out 6-12 months as of October 2 (pectoral)
- Theodore R. Long, SD!, out indefinitely as of September 21 (kayfabe, heart attack)
TNA
- Judas Mesias, TNA, out indefinitely as of September 2007 (back)
Transactions
- Edge, SD!, returned to action at Survivor Series
All hail the return of my boy, the Rated R Superstar!
Going back a couple weeks here, because I promised I would.
Louis Jones wonders about the possibility of Batista vs Orton at WrestleMania, which I think is a possibility now, given Cena's injury (ruining the allegedly planned Batista-Cena match), and with my dream that Jericho will win the title off Orton as early as Armageddon and defend against Shawn Michaels (because why not?) at Mania, while Edge and Taker fight over the other belt. Of course, Batista retained last night, so what do we know?
And referring to my query about the Citrus Bowl, dranguish and John from Orlando both informed me that the Citrus Bowl has never really been a "pro" football arena, and doesn't even host a college team at this point. Oh, and apparently it's a really, really crappy stadium, too. No wonder it was available.
And Chris Jacobs explains his theory that The Great Coachman vs Hornswoggle was taped in an empty arena so that all the comments from all parties would be heard. I dunno, I think they might have been worried about crowd reaction. They shouldn't have, though, because I thought it was hilarious. But then, I'm lowbrow.
Speaking of lowbrow…man, I'm just smoking those segues today.
From The Anthology - Royal Rumble 1999
In a home video exclusive, we get early comments from wrestlers, many of which are obviously ad-libbed. Hey, remember when they didn't script promos?
This Rumble was subtitled "No Chance In Hell", referring to Austin's chances, and featured the debut of what would become Vince's theme music, as the theme for the Rumble, and believe me, it gets old when you hear it for three hours.
We are LIVE on DVD from Anaheim, CA, and your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler, as I believe this was either when JR was suffering a relapse of Bell's Palsy, or just during the period where Vince Russo kept trying to keep him off TV.
We have also, of course, entered the "scratch logo" era of wrestling, and thus blurred logos abound, but I find I can ignore most of them. Although the blurry turnbuckles suck.
The Big Boss Man vs The Road Dogg
Road Dogg was Hardcore champion at this point, but the title was not on the line. Boss Man was Tag champion with Shamrock as well. At this point, DX was so over that the fans are even into watching Road Dogg in a singles match. Actually, the Dogg was still in fairly good shape and could put on a good match at this point. This, however, is not on of those times, as we go for some good old-fashioned stalling and brawling. Boss Man's offense never really got out of the 80's, and the results are sometimes sadly comical. Road Dogg eats a bunch of rest holds and choking, makes the comeback, but gets caught with a Boss Man Slam out of nowhere, which gets the win.
This was the early stages of the "everyone wants to sleep with Ryan Shamrock" storyline, where Billy Gunn was actually the only one who didn't manage to get some. More brawling in this match, but less rest holds. Plus, it makes more sense that Ken Shamrock would be punching and kicking. Mention is made of Commissioner Shawn Michaels resting at home in San Antonio after being taken out by the Corporation, which would become important for the next night's Raw. I only mention this because this match is really pretty boring. Eventually Shamrock starts focussing on the leg, but for some reason he stops doing that and locks on a front facelock submission. Ref bump signals a run-in by Val Venis, who…wow, Val used to have impressive hair…anyway, Val hits Shamrock with a DDT, but that only gets two. Gunn goes up top, but Shamrock moves out of the way of the axehandle, and Gunn lands hard on the injured leg, and the Anklelock quickly finishes.
Backstage, Shane-o-Mac pumps up Vince for the Rumble.
Due to the stage set-up, we don't get the Ring of Fire entrance for Gangrel, which, as we all know, was the greatest entrance in the history of mankind. X-Pac, at this point, is still over, which is a logical disconnect for me recapping eight years later. Both men could still work fairly well at this point, so the result is a pretty good match (although Gangrel's idea of selling often seems to be popping right back up and then standing there in a daze). Referee Teddy Long screws up and counts three when Gangrel rolls through an X-Pac top-rope crossbody, but the match continues anyway, and X-Pac hits the X-Factor for the win.
Backstage, Kevin Kelly interviews D-X, who are planning to take out Austin first, to get the bounty, then they assure us, it'll be every man (and alleged woman) for themselves.
Shane-O-Mac comes out to do ring announcing duties for the women's title match.
This would be the "four corners" version of the Strap match, and I should remind you that strap matches have been horrible when male wrestlers were doing them, and Sable barely qualifies as a wrestler. Thus, we get lots of choking and whipping. Fortunately, we go to the usual finish early, as Luna drags Sable around the ring behind her, they both touch three, then fight over the last one. Shane hits the apron to distract the ref, but a "fan" (who would later be known as Tori) runs in and hits Luna, allowing Sable to touch the fourth corner for the win.
Backstage, a "hidden camera" catches Boss Man discussing strategy with Test and Ken Shamrock. Talk about a meeting of the minds.
Yes, this is that match, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have never before watched the entire match. We get a long video of Mick getting his ass kicked over the years to prove that he has never quit in a match.
Backstage, The Rock runs through all his catchphrases, and somewhere in there promises to win the match. This is also during the period where The Rock was wearing shirts to hide his breast reduction surgery. Yeah, yeah, all the jokes have already been made. Grow up.
Mankind pounds Rock down in the corners. Charging knee and a bulldog, but Rock responds poorly to a request that he quit. So Mick smacks him around with the microphone. Cactus clothesline sends both men to the floor, and Mick works Rock over on the barricade. Rock reverses a whip, and Mankind takes the trademark knees-first bump to the steps. Rock pauses to do commentary, but turns into a clothesline. Chairshot to the back of Rocky, but he won't quit, so Mick resumes beating him up with the mic. Back into the ring, and a double arm DDT allows Mick to pull out Socko. Mandible Claw, but Rock can't quit because he's unconscious. Mick threatens to bust up Rock's eyebrow (sacrilege!), and fires away with some kicks to Rock's head. Back out of the ring, and they brawl into the crowd. Rock powerslams Mankind over the barricade to take over, however. Rock grabs the ring bell and hammer, puts it over Mankind's ear, and rings it a couple times, allegedly deafening him. Rock Bottom attempt on the Spanish table, but it collapses under the weight. Evian spray from Rock puts Mankind back in a fighting mood, and he chases Rock up the entranceway. Rock makes a comeback, and a slugfest ensues. DDT by Rock, but Mick's not done yet. Rock heads behind a curtain, and returns with a ladder, but Mick knocks it back into him and chokes him with it. Elbowdrop on the ladder fails as Rock rolls away. Rock sets up the ladder against a wall and climbs up, but Mankind follows. They fight along the facing of the second level, and Rock goes low for the advantage. Rock punches Mick off into a table full of electronics, causing sparks and a partial blackout in the arena (worked, of course…well, except for the part where Mick falls ten feet onto a table full of electronics). To add some seriousness, Shane comes out and tells Rock that it's enough, but Rock won't have it because Mick hasn't quit yet. Back up the entranceway we go, as Mankind is out to lunch. We get back in the ring, and now it's time for the real fun, as Rock handcuffs Mick's hands behind him. Rock fires away at the defenseless Mankind, but gets mule kicked for his troubles. Mick kicks Rock down and bites him, adding a kneedrop to the nuts for good measure. Rock won't quit from that, though, and heads out for a chair. Corporate Elbow on the chair isn't enough, although we do get the always fun "The Rock'll go to hell, but your candy ass is going first". The chairshots begin, and you can actually watch Mick start getting pissed when he takes three chairshots to the head without going down. They move up the ramp, interspersing chairshots as they go, and even the heelish Lawler is getting noticeably uncomfortable at this point. Finally, Mick gets in the right facedown position in the entranceway, and they play an obvious tape of Mankind saying "I Quit", made more obvious by the fact that Mankind is pretty much out cold. This match was going really nicely, but the sheer brutality of the chairshots are really hard to watch, and I'm very glad my girlfriend fell asleep before this match started.
Mick walks out of the arena, mostly under his own power, because he's batshit insane. Rock should have sold that part a little better, because frankly, if someone takes that many chairshots and stands up within five minutes, I'd run the hell away.
We get a huge promo video about Austin-Vince, including Austin entering the building in a monster truck limousine, and Vince slapping Austin on Heat prior to the PPV (then getting a big "oh shit what did I just do" look and dashing out of the ring).
The Royal Rumble Match
Finkel makes sure to explicitly say that going through the ropes does not constitute elimination. This year, anyway. As added incentive, in case you forgot, any wrestler who throws out Austin earns a cool hundred grand, courtesy of Vince.
#1 - Stone Cold Steve Austin #2 - Vince McMahon
I believe this is the first time Vince ever went shirtless publicly. It just looks so wrong, especially since his pants are hiked up way past his waist. If there was ever any doubt that Vince is a senior citizen, that ends it. Anyway, Austin stomps a mudhole and walks it dry, slams Vince, stomps him in the grapefruits, then pauses to ask the crowd what he should do. They seem fond of elimination, but Austin would rather kick his ass some more.
#3 - Golga
Golga is John Tenta under a mask with a Cartman fetish. He attacks Austin for the bounty, but Austin quickly eliminates him, while Vince slides under the ropes and tries to flee. Austin gives chase, and they brawl to the back and Cole makes sure to mention that both men are not eliminated from the match.
#4 - Droz
We don't actually see Droz's entrance, as the camera goes to Vince and Austin fighting in the arena. Vince lures Austin into the ladies room, which turns out to be full of Corporation members. So…what are they trying to say, here? Anyway, Droz (at this point, attempting to be part of the LOD) has nothing to do, so he stands in the ring, waiting for the next guy.
#5 - Edge
Edge is a house of fire to start, but Droz catches him off guard and they trade elimination attempts.
#6 - Gillberg
Get it? Because he acts like Goldberg and…yeah. Gillberg gets tossed immediately on entry, and Droz and Edge resume brawling. We cut to Austin laid out in the restroom, and back to the match. Edge misses a splash and gets hung up, but Droz can't get him out.
#7 - Steve Blackman
Blackman is King's first pick to win the Rumble, in a running joke for the evening. Once again we cut back to Austin, as they bring in a stretcher. Back to the match, Blackman gets a flurry of kicks on Edge, but Droz blindsides him. Droz demands Edge's help eliminating Blackman, so Edge eyepokes Droz. Karma, man.
#8 - Dan Severn
Severn, like Shamrock and Blackman, was brought in to try and bring some MMA fans into the fold, but unlike Shamrock and Blackman, had approximately negative twelve charisma. Anyway, Blackman and Severn immediately go after each other, and we're back to Austin being put in the ambulance.
#9 - Tiger Ali Singh
Man, so many useless jobbers who never really accomplished anything. How was WWE winning the war at this point anyway? So we see the ambulance drive off, and finally we can go to uninterrupted coverage of the match. Edge slips out of a Singh press slam attempt, but can't get him out.
#10 - Blue Meanie
Everyone pairs off, as Meanie takes down Singh and dances. That's not right. Droz and Edge beat down Meanie, but he's too fat to get out.
#11 - Mabel
Nobody comes out initially, but we cut backstage to Mabel beating up Mosh and taking his place in the Rumble. Mabel tosses Blackman, Severn and Singh in short order. It should be noted that prior to Heat that afternoon, Mabel hadn't been on WWF TV for a very long time.
#12 - Road Dogg
Mabel tosses Meanie and Droz during Dogg's entrance. Edge goes low to avoid a similar fate, but charges Dogg and gets tossed out. Dogg and Mabel face off, but the lights go out,the Undertaker's music plays, and when the lights come back on, the Acolytes and Mideon are beating Mabel up the entranceway, where the newly Satanic Undertaker awaits. He hypnotizes Mabel, allowing the Acolytes and Mideon to resume beating Mabel all the way out of the arena.
#13 - Gangrel
Gangrel would be King's second pick. Road Dogg quickly tosses Gangrel in what may have been a blown spot, as Gangrel fails to grab the top rope on the way out.
#14 - Kurrgan
Kurrgan has discovered the fun of tie-dye and leather football helmets in the past year, but somehow remained a badass. He beats up Road Dogg, but misses a charge in the corner.
#15 - Al Snow
This would be Al at his highest point until Tough Enough, really. Al and Dogg team up on Kurrgan, but he's just too damned big. Snow gets too involved in the elimination try, however, so Dogg casually shoves him out. That was probably a mistake, since Kurrgan turns around and starts pounding him down.
#16 - Goldust
Goldust, having returned to his most successful gimmick in the last year, goes straight for Road Dogg, but Kurrgan cuts him off. Road Dogg attacks from behind to take down both men, setting Goldust up for Shattered Dreams. Kurrgan grabs him to prevent that, however, and Goldust goes low on the Dogg.
#17 - Godfather
Most of the time is spent on Godfather's entrance (not that anyone has a problem with that), but meanwhile Kurrgan puts the claw hold on Road Dogg. Goldust pounds down Godfather in the corner, but misses a charge. Ho Train connects as the lights go out again.
#18 - Kane
It's gotta be Kane, who left the Corporation the week prior. He immediately tosses Road Dogg, Kurrgan, Godfather, and chokeslams Goldust to the floor, becoming Lawler's new favourite to win. Guys in white coats storm the ring on orders of Vince McMahon, and Kane eliminates himself over the top rope to chase them out of the arena.
#19 - Ken Shamrock
Vince makes his way back to the ring during Shamrock's entrance, but leaves again to do commentary rather than wrestle. So Shamrock stands around for two minutes. Yep.
#20 - Billy Gunn
Gunn is missing a boot due to the ankle injuries inflicted by Shamrock earlier, so Shamrock goes right after it. Well, duh. Gunn gets a quick back suplex, though, but collapses on a press slam attempt, hanging Shamrock on the ropes. Gunn tosses Shamrock over the top, but Shamrock pulls himself back in and chop blocks the injured leg.
#21 - Test
Test would be King's third official pick to win. We cut to the parking lot, where Mabel gets loaded up into a hearse, the better to switch him to the gimmick he'd keep for seven years. At the same time, an ambulance drives into the lot, revealing a returning Austin, as Vince is at a loss for words. Meanwhile, in the ring, Gunn gets a double low blow on the Corporate members as Austin heads straight for the ring.
#22 - Big Boss Man
Austin chases Vince around the ring, but gets cut off by Shamrock. Austin shrugs that off and tosses Shamrock, but Boss Man continues the assault. Vince sits back down at commentary. Austin mule kicks Boss Man and chokes him with a rope from the turnbuckle.
#23 - Triple H
I suppose comment of the night must go to my girlfriend, who, when told that the guy coming in was Triple H, said "doesn't look like him". Indeed. Everybody keeps pulling each other off of Austin because they want the bounty. Austin hits a big clothesline on Gunn, but Boss Man attacks him from behind.
#24 - Val Venis
Val and Triple H pair off, while Test boots down Austin. Gunn tries to beat down Austin, but he stomps on the unprotected foot and tosses Gunn. In an odd spot, Test, Boss Man, and Austin work together to try and toss Triple H.
#25 - X-Pac
D-X teams up on the remaining Corporate members, while Val levels Austin with a top-rope axehandle. Ah, the days when Val had an offensive moveset. Austin rolls under the ropes to escape the assault of Val Venis (no, I'm not kidding). He comes back in, but X-Pac hits a spinning heel kick to put Austin down again.
#26 - Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry
Henry swings away at Austin, but catches Boss Man by mistake and decides to go with it. X-Pac chokes Austin in the corner.
#27 - Jeff Jarrett
Jarrett had gotten a haircut and a tag partner in Owen Hart, which would become a shockingly successful tag team. He gets doubleteamed by D-X, but X-Pac kicks Triple H down in a slightly surprising moment. Boss Man takes a Broncobuster.
#28 - D'lo Brown
D'lo is in the "chest protector" phase of his career, and had been hired by PMS as their enforcer after the firing of Shawn "Meat" Stasiak. Austin dumps Test, and Boss Man tosses X-Pac shortly after that. Triple H and Henry battle in the center of the ring, while Jarrett and Boss Man try to toss Austin, to poor results. Criss-cross, and Jarrett eats a Thesz Press, and Austin tosses him.
#29 - Owen Hart
Owen goes straight for Austin, and he and D'lo attempt to work together to toss Austin, but Triple H breaks that up. Austin rolls out of the ring and tosses water in Vince's face, because he can.
#30 - Chyna
The first and only woman to enter the Rumble, she goes straight for Mark Henry, who'd been making advances towards her for a while. The mind shudders back from contemplating that. Chyna dumps Henry, but gloats too long and gets clotheslined out by Austin, to Henry's amusement. Facebuster by Triple H on Austin (which Lawler calls a Pedigree). Venis breaks up an elimination attempt, so Triple H tosses him. Stunner on Triple H, and he's out. D'lo legdrops and chokes Austin while Owen tries to toss Boss Man. Austin bats D'lo out of the way on a dropkick attempt, and more choking ensues. D'lo finally peels off from Austin, allowing Owen hit shot. Enziguri on Austin, but Austin gets back up and tosses him.
Final Four - Steve Austin, Big Boss Man, D'lo Brown, Vince McMahon
D'lo hits the Lo Down on Austin, but Boss Man tosses him. Stunner on Boss Man, goodbye, and the fans are apoplectic at the possibilities the remain. Austin rolls out and dives over the announce table, dragging Vince around the ring and into the crowd. Austin grabs a chair and stalks Vince, eventually nailing him right in the head. How many billionaires would let you do that? Back into the ring, finally, Vince goes low on Austin to earn a respite. Both men get back up, Austin hits a Stunner, then a second rope FU elbowdrop. But now The Rock is out, and Austin gets distracted so much that Vince sneaks up behind him and dumps him for the win.
Rock and Austin brawl up the entranceway while Vince and Shane drink beer to celebrate as the show goes off. Don't worry, though, Austin would get the WrestleMania title shot in the end anyway. I mean, just in case you've been living under a rock on Mars for the last ten years.
Stephen Rates The Rumbles
The common consensus is that this is the worst Rumble of all time, and frankly it suffers from a massive case of jobberitis. The problem was that we were smack dab in the middle of Crash TV, so an hour-long match was probably too much time for Russo to fill without going nuts. This does have the infamous I Quit match, but I think it would have been a much better match had it not gone for the "attempted homicide of Mick Foley" angle and had instead played out more like the Triple H-Cactus Jack Street Fight would one year later. That said, it's a bad PPV for many reasons, but I can think of at least a couple that were worse.
1. Royal Rumble 1994 (Winners: Bret Hart and Lex Luger)
2. Royal Rumble 1992 (Winner: Ric Flair)
3. Royal Rumble 1990 (Winner: Hulk Hogan)
4. Royal Rumble 1989 (Winner: Big John Studd)
5. Royal Rumble 1997 (Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin)
6. Royal Rumble 1998 (Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin)
7. Royal Rumble 1996 (Winner: Shawn Michaels)
8. Royal Rumble 1988 (Winner: Hacksaw Jim Duggan) 9. Royal Rumble 1999 (Winner: Vince McMahon)
10. Royal Rumble 1993 (Winner: Yokozuna)
11. Royal Rumble 1991 (Winner: Hulk Hogan)
12. Royal Rumble 1995 (Winner: Shawn Michaels)
Next time, we move to the 2000 Royal Rumble, as Austin was out having his neck re-attached, and the McMahon-Helmsley Regime was running wild.
And One To Go On
Four years down, and God only knows when this ride ends. Probably once Ashish and Larry get tired of me writing sub-par stuff like I did last week. Fortunately, we're heading into the Rumble and WrestleMania, so you know I'm going to be pumped up.
That's our show, 411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EST. Larry will be in tomorrow, I'll be back next week.
At the tone, the time will be T Minus 20 hours, 45 minutes…assuming you're reading this right after I posted it.
