The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 11.29.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 11.29.2007
Featuring the Return of a Small-For-All Staple!!!
Sidenote: I miss the days of simple finishing maneuvers. Nowadays everything starts with a run and ends with a wrestler falling on their opponent's knees.
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting…
Yes, yes…
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Welcome back to the post-Thanksgiving Small-For-All News Report! I must say that I'm shocked that we are already one week removed from Thanksgiving. Last week at this time I was mentally preparing myself for a Thanksgiving feast that luckily I'm still enjoying to this day. Sometimes it pays to be a fatty!
In today's edition, we take a look at why it sometimes does not pay to be a Hogan, why Bret Hart will never be in charge of WWE programming, and most importantly, we will discover ex-TNA superstar Leticia Cline's sex life! For those of you who want a news report with substance, Meehan's in tomorrow.
Lastly, here at 411Mania, we have launched a lot of new features including 411's Daily Hotness Pictures and more importantly, a podcast featuring boss man CSONKA and his wife. Now while I have not been asked to participate in a podcast (and why not boss!), I have been an advent listener: to be honest, I just wanted to hear what my boss really sounded like. Regardless, they are good shit so here's a nice plug for the bossman.
411's back with another huge podcast broadcast! Larry and the Wife have returned to preview the TNA Turning Point PPV, announce another contest winner, give out more contest details, talk about the near death experience the Csonka family had on the commute home from Thanksgiving and more! You can win free stuff! Check out the latest podcast of Larry and the Wife below!
TO STREAM: Simply press the play button on the podcast player.
TO DOWNLOAD: Right click on the DOWNLOAD HERE link below and then save the mp3 file to your computer.
First up, of course, is Hogan's upcoming divorce with his wife. Personally, as someone who witnessed a divorce, it's definitely not something I would like to speak about. So far a lot of information has sprung forward from Hulk having no idea it's coming, to Linda wanting to reconcile, to Hulk asking for privacy (shocking). Once again, I'm not going to comment until we have more permanent information. Though, if you guys keep finding more pictures of Brooke Hogan in a bikini…
Second, more news has been released regarding Nick Hogan's near fatal car accident from last August. According to a 133 page official report from the crash, "Hulk Hogan was with Nick, John Graziano (who was severly injured later in the car crash), and two of their friends, Barrett Lawrance and Daniel Jacobs, when he purchased two cases of Miller Lite beer, two cases of Corona beer, one case of Miller Chill beer, and five bags of ice from a Albertson's store in Clearwater, FL. The report says that Hogan and the boys carred the alcohol together from the store."
I have a pretty big feeling that the car accident played a large role in Linda wanting to divorce Hulk. When a (almost) life-changing situation happens in a person's life, it forces them to revaluate their current habits which could have lead to Linda and Hulk's separation. Oh wait, I didn't want to talk about it…
Regarding, Hulk purchasing alcohol for Nick, I'm not surprised at all. Nick has always had a cloud of invincibility in the Hogan household as no matter what he does, he never is scrutinized like his sister. It's almost as if Nick was the favored child of the Hogan household regardless of how many times he fucked up. Of course I'm basing this off of Hogan Knows Best which is a legitimate source as the Hogans would never lie or work their fans. Right?
NEWZ FROM TITAN TOWERS
Finally, A No Way Out That's Worth $40 (Maybe)!!!
According to the Wrestling Observer, "The Elimination Chamber is being brought back for the No Way Out pay-per-view in February. The storyline heading into WrestleMania is that the winner of the Royal Rumble will get to decide the champion he wants to face at WrestleMania. Then, the unselected champion will have its brand's top wrestlers go into the Elimination Chamber. The winner of that match will get the other title shot at WrestleMania."
Of course there is no mention of WWE's third undisputed champion which is quite sad as I was really hoping for a return of the Extreme Elimination Chamber. That said, bringing back the Elimination Chamber at No Way Out is an excellent idea. The last NWO that really has been worth a damn was in 2004 when Eddie Guerrero won his only WWE Championship. Since then NWO has been a glorified house show with minor ramifications (heck, last year both WM main events were announced way before the PPV).
So the big question is "Which brand's superstars will compete in the Elimination Chamber?" Currently my money's on Smackdown as the blue brand has won the last two Royal Rumbles and (outside of Edge) does not have anyone on the brand that is worthy of the push (I, too, love MVP and Matt Hardy but they both are not there yet). That and Ric Flair is winning the Rumble, duh! Speaking of Flair…
Even Better than Nash Bridges
According to the Wrestling Observer, "Ric Flair signed a new three-year contract with WWE. He will remain a full-time company employee after retirement. At the last WrestleMania, Steve Austin came up with the idea for every single match of Flair's to be a "win or retire" match. The storyline is expected to conclude at WrestleMania."
Personally, I love the "win or retire" storyline. It adds an emotional investment to every upcoming Ric Flair match, a necessary component when most of Flair's 2007 matches have been quite sub-par. That said, I hate the fact that it's so obvious that Flair's final hurrah will be at Wrestlemania. Why should I care about upcoming Flair/Santino Marella matches when we all know that Flair will be at least around until late March? If I were Vince McMahon, I would end Flair's streak on the Raw before Wrestlemania just to fuck with the fans. Of course, as a fan (and an attendee at this coming Wrestlemania) that would piss me off to no extent.
The big question now is "Who is Ric Flair's Final Opponent?" While I have my own theory, I would like to see what you Smallophiles think. Fans please send me who you think Flair will compete against in his final match. I'll keep tabs on everyone's responses as it will be interesting to see how many people's predictions come true!
Bret Hart Must Be a Fan of Writer Strikes
According to an interview with NZPWI, Bret Hart had some interesting things to say about the WWE including that it were up to him, WWE would just show reruns instead of original programming.
Clearly someone's not a fan of the epic feud between Hornswoggle and Vince McMahon, the weekly burial of a certain Caribbean superstar, and most importantly, the return of lesbian Mickie James. You would think that Hart would at least be a fan of the "Ric Flair must DIE" storyline. Considering you know he hates Ric Flair and whatnot.
That being said, someone needs to inform Hart that the WWE already shows reruns of their television programs: it's called WWE 24/7! Now while I doubt that Hart has Digital Cable (I dunno, I just find it funny imagining Bret Hart sitting on his couch watching television), I am a tad surprised no one has informed him of the 24/7 service. Continuing on, while I do not have the numbers to support my next claim (maybe JP can help me out on this one), I can safely say with 99% confidence that WWE 24/7 does not pull the same numbers that a live broadcast of Raw does. Hell, it probably comes nowhere near ECW's TV rating. So yeah, I really do not think that showing reruns will help bring about a new era of sports entertainment. Sorry there champ, but your day in the sun is over.
The Return of the Tabloid List
True Smallophiles will remember my 10.22.06 News Report when I ripped off of Randle and included a Tabloid List. And unlike Randle's injury list, I never mentioned the Tabloid List ever again… until TODAY!!! Here's an updated Tabloid List:
Tabloid List as of 11.29.07
WWE
Triple H – Still married to Stephanie McMahon as of 10/04. Has one child, Aurora Rose.
Charlie Haas – Shockingly still married to TNA's Miss Jackie as of 05/05.
Edge – Kayfabe, fucking Vickie Guerrero. In real life, probably still fucking Lita.
Jeff Hardy – homo.
TNA
Kurt Angle – Wife, Karen, has now joined him on the road. Surprisingly, there have been zero stories of Angle's infidelity in the last few months. Of course, things could change if Dawn Marie gets signed.
Miss Jackie – Is she even still with the company?
ECW
Kelly Kelly – Still with Test. Poor dumb blonde.
Notable Transactions
Batista – has gone on the record saying he's officially with Melina. No wonder she's botching more moves recently.
Santino Marella – Sleeping with his Maria.
Paul London – dating Ashley Massarro. I wonder how wide his grin got when she used her lip ring to… nevermind.
And that's about all I can remember. If anyone has any more fun stories for me, please email me at the below address. Man, I can't remember the last time that the Small-For-All was this interactive.
NEWZ FROM O-TOWN
What a Way to Go
According to Figure 4 Wrestling, "Sting is finished until such time comes that he signs a new deal. It's not a guarantee he will. He was ready to walk away at the end of this year and quietly retire, but Dixie Carter really wants him back. I would think for $500,000 per year to work a super limited schedule he'd be willing. They beat him clean at the last PPV just in case, though, so for now that is the final match of his career."
Part of me would like to see Sting wrestle for one more year in order to get a proper sendoff in TNA. However, the other side of me would love to see Sting sign with the WWE, fight Ric Flair at Wrestlemania in a respect match only for Flair to turn on him one last time!
Quick N Dirty TNA News
From the usual sources:
"TNA is trying to get MMA superstar Bob Sapp to fight Kurt Angle on an upcoming PPV.
I'm begging TNA to reference this commercial in the buildup to the match:
Dawn Marie is looking for an opportunity to work in TNA. However, she has two things goes against her: her former fiancée Pat Kenney and the Angles.
For those who did not pick up my earlier comment: Dawn and Angle "allegedly" countered each other's hammerlock attempts. That said, it would be nice to see Dawn Marie back in wrestling (she has quite an ass) but I'm not sure what her role would be considering TNA's taking women's wrestling quite seriously now.
Judas Messiah will be returning in a few weeks
I just hope he looks a lot more menacing than he previously did. If I were a betting man, I speculate Messiah will cost Abyss his match this coming Sunday.
Gail Kim is listed in Forbes Magazine as one of 40 elgible Bachelorettes in the country.
Paging TNA, ABC on line one.
RANDOM WEEKLY SHIT PART DEUX
Gotta Love that Howard Stern
You know I miss not being able to listen to Howard Stern anymore. Back when I lived in New Jersey, each morning I would listen to Stern on my drive to school. Unfortunately, right when I left for college, he joined satellite radio. While I appreciate the benefits of satellite radio, I have no desire to pay for music on my radio. Which is sad because I do miss Stern's shenanigans. Speaking of his shenanigans…
On Tuesday, Stern had on ex-TNA interviewer and Playboy model Leticia Cline. Here are some of the highlights of her interview:
"Howard read that Leticia can't date black guys because her family would freak out. She aid that's so true, she grew up in Kentucky and they'd all freak out. She said she didn't even have any black kids in school with her. She said she'd never be allowed to come home if she did date a black guy. She said that the neighbors are the ones she'd have to worry about, her family isn't all that bad."
Oh my.
Howard read that Leticia was an accountant for a few years. She said she did that for a few years and just started doing the modeling thing a few years ago. Howard said that he'd be doing his taxes all the time if he had an accountant that looked like her. He asked her some accounting questions and she knew what CPA meant but didn't know what an abatement was. She said she did some property management stuff and didn't know what that word was.
Howard asked her what a CD is. She said that she couldn't remember and said that she never really had to do that kind of stuff. She said she knew what a CD was but just couldn't remember it. She said she was nervous.
Well, it's a good thing accounting was not the profession for her.
Howard asked Leticia about the sexiest place she's had sex. She said that she likes to do guys while they're driving their car. She also said that she's had sex with only 3 guys and she's done a guy in a movie theater. Howard said he likes that she's almost a virgin with only 3 guys. He found out that she had sex and gave the guy oral in the movie theater. She said that she climbed on top of the guy and there were only like 7 people in the theater at the time. She said it lasted maybe 6 minutes. Howard said that was a very long time to have sex in a theater.
So the popcorn trick works!
By the way, Howard also had Leticia ride the Sybian. For those of you who are old enough and have no idea what I'm talking about… shame on you. Actually, shame on me… I'm the one who will be burning in Hell.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
You know, I was planning to rundown this coming Sunday's TNA PPV but it looks so awful that it's not worth it. Personally, I would take the $30 you would have spent on the PPV and purchase something that's worth it: something like the new HBK DVD set. Trust me on this one! Once again, I also owe you a Jericho book review. That will have to wait until next week. Until then…
Meehan's in tomorrow.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
