Thoughts from the Top Rope 12.04.07: Slimmer and Small watch Puro on YouTube
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 12.04.2007
Slimmer, Small, and three Japanese Death Matches. There’s no way this ends well…
Slimmer: Welcome to another edition of Thoughts from the Top Rope. I'm Scott Slimmer, star of 411's WWE Heat Report, alongside my broadcast partner, Jeff Small, star of the Thursday Small-For-All News Report. Small, say hello to the readers.
Small: Word.
Slimmer: Really? "Word?" Really?
Small: What? I'm just getting into the mood for today's theme.
Slimmer: Yes, but the nice people at home don't know what today's theme is yet. So now you just look like a moron.
Small: Then get off your ass and explain the theme already.
Slimmer: And here I thought Small's Aunt Flo was in town for Thanksgiving. Guess I must have been off by a few weeks. But he's right, I should tell you all what we'll be doing today. As you probably know, this is the last week of Wilcox's brief sabbatical from the column. For the last three weeks, Ryan Byers has done a great job filling in for Wilcox and giving us a nice education in all things Shimmer. And on a personal note, I would like to thank Ryan for introducing me to the glory of Portia Perez. I've never said this to a woman before, but Portia, baby, if you're reading this, I love you. Wow, that felt good.
Small: Emo freak.
Slimmer: Eat my shorts, Small. There, now we're both in the mood for today's theme. Anyway, like I said, Ryan did a great job with his three fill-in columns, but this week we wanted to try something… a little bit different. When Wilcox first asked for volunteers to fill in for him, Small and I jumped at the opportunity. Okay, technically I jumped and volunteered Small without his knowledge, but such is life here at 411. Wilcox started out his 411 career as Small's lackey over in the Small-For-All News Report, and he's pulled my ass out of the fire on a number of occasions by coming through with a last minute fill-in on the Heat Report. So it only seemed right that Small and I repay the favor and do the job this time around. And that gave us the perfect opportunity to try out an idea we had a few months ago.
Small: We? We who? It was my idea, and my idea alone.
Slimmer: Yeah, I wouldn't be bragging about that until we get some feedback on this little train wreck, but whatever. So as I was saying, that gave us the perfect opportunity to try out an idea Small had a few months ago. During the last round of hiring here at 411, Small came up with the idea for a weekly column that the two of us could write together. The basic concept was that we would watch wrestling matches on YouTube while simultaneously chatting with each other over Gmail in the hope that our mid-match banter might end up being at least mildly amusing. Hey, we can dream. We also thought that it would be fun to watch matches with which we had very little familiarity. We're both basically WWE marks, so this seemed like it might be a good chance to learn a little bit about puro, lucha, and the U.S. indy scene. And thus was born Slimmer and Small watch Puro on YouTube. However, five minutes later we realized that we don't really like each other and would probably burn ourselves out after about a week or so. And thus died Slimmer and Small watch Puro on YouTube. But when our little buddy Wilcox got suspended for violating the 411 Wellness Policy, I knew we had to step up to the plate. And so, for one week only, Small and I are proud to present Slimmer and Small watch Puro on YouTube.
Small: HEY! You said it was going to be called Small and Slimmer watch Puro on YouTube. What the hell?
Slimmer: Yeah, about that. I lied. I do that from time to time. My therapist says I need to work on that. But it's not going to happen today. And that's the truth. Anyway, as I was saying, it turns out that puro is a surprising broad topic, especially for two WWE marks like me and Small. So I thought it might be a good idea to narrow down our scope just a bit. I decided that this week's theme would be matches from Frontier Martial Arts Wrestling, because FMW is my all-time favorite Japanese wrestling promotion. Although, in fairness, that's sort of like saying that Earth is my all-time favorite planet. Both preferences are based solely on my lack of a broader knowledge base. In fact, the only puro that I've ever seen has been a few FMW matches, and I only stumbled across those matches back when FMW was in partnership with my dearly departed ECW. The bottom line is that I had at least a passing familiarity with FMW, and that was much more than I could say for any other Japanese promotion. So FMW seemed like as good a place as any to start. And I think that more or less gets us all up to speed. Oh, and I should probably reiterate the fact that Small and I know next to nothing about puro. We're hoping to learn just a little bit about it as we work on this column, but don't be surprised if we don't know the names of a few moves along the way. Or if we over or under estimate the significance of a particular match or wrestler. Or if one of the 411 puro guys reads this and it causes his head to explode. This is going to be a journey of exploration for me, Small, and hopefully some of you who might not be quite so familiar with puro yourselves. So come with us now on a magical journey back to the mid-nineties, when Mark Greene was still the best doctor on television, Jewel was still the best hippy sex kitten at the record store, and hardcore was a way of life. And yes, Small, when "Word" was still an acceptable greeting.
Small: Word.
Introduction to Frontier Martial Arts Wrestling
Frontier Martial Arts Wrestling, or FMW, was a Japanese professional wrestling promotion that rose to prominence in the 1990's. Founded by Atsushi Onita, FMW's first show was held on October 6, 1989 in front of 4000 fans at the Nagoya Sports Center. FMW gained popularity in the mid-nineties by focusing on hardcore wrestling and specializing in their famous (or, if you prefer, infamous) death matches. Onita was the main star of FMW from its inception in 1989 until his retirement in 1995. After Onita's retirement, Hayabusa, Masato Tanaka, and Mike "Gladiator" Awesome would all become prominent stars in the promotion. FMW would later move away from its hardcore roots, but that change in presentation lead to decreased interest in the company. FMW held its final show on February 4, 2002 in front of 2150 fans at the Toyko Korakuen Hall.
Match 1: Atsushi Onita (c) vs. Hayabusa
Date: May 5, 1995 Location: Kawasaki Stadium (Kanagawa, Japan) Attendance: 58,250 Stipulation: Exploding Barbed Wire Cage Death Match Championship: FMW Brass Knuckles Heavyweight Championship
Atsushi Onita was the founder and main star of FMW. At the time of this match, the FMW Brass Knuckles Heavyweight Championship was the most prestigious title in FMW, and Onita was a multi-time FMW Brass Knuckles Heavyweight Champion. In fact, he had won the championship for a record seventh time only one night earlier on May 4, 1995 when he defeated Mr. Pogo in a Barbed Wire Double Hell Death Match in front of 4,500 fans at Nagoya Aichi Budokan. However, this was to be Onita's retirement match, and thus the match needed to serve two distinct roles. First, this match was Onita's way of saying good-bye to the promotion that he had created and the fans that had supported him for six years. Second, and equally important, this match had to establish rising star Hayabusa as the rightful and deserving heir to Onita's place of prominence within the promotion. Thus this match is an important turning point in the history of FMW as it marks the end of the Onita era and the dawn of the Hayabusa era.
START OF THE MATCH
Small: #1 reason I hate puro: Exploding death matches take 19 minutes to complete. Slimmer: #1 reason I love puro: Check out the ref. Slimmer: THAT is how you sell an exploding ring death match gimmick. Small: the ref is mad awesome in that silly outfit.
ONE MINUTE INTO THE MATCH
Small: I can't even tell which wrestler is who. Slimmer: Hayabusa is in the mask and Sabu pants. Small: That's not Daivari? Small: Do you even get that joke? Slimmer: Dude, do you know how many Daivari matches I covered on Heat? Small: Yeah, but that was because Sabu borrowed Daivari's pants. Slimmer: And I did see the ECW with Sabu in the tight pants.
TWO MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Get back to the puro. Small: Dude, nothing is happening. Small: Except for some power ranger kicking. Small: It's like watching Tajiri.
THREE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Tajiri rules. Small: No, Tajiri < Matt Striker. Slimmer: And the baseball slides to avoid the cage are pretty sweet. Small: Didn't you watch his final heat match? Slimmer: Yeah, but Striker was awesome on Heat. Small: Four minutes in and we have a headlock!
FOUR MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Orton's booking FMW. Small: Seriously, I didn't know this was going to be the flair/steamboat of exploding cage matches. Slimmer: Hey, it is Onita's retirement match. Slimmer: And you can't just shoot your wad and blow shit up right away. Small: That's what's she said!
FIVE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: What did I say about talking about Bayani's girlfriend in the column? Small: Explosion #1!!! Slimmer: BIG BANG! Slimmer: BIG BANG! Small: What the fuck! Slimmer: Did you see the ref go down? Slimmer: That dude is awesome. Small: Are the Japanese chanting "holy shit?"
SIX MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Sorta sounds like it, doesn't it? Small: And dude, for an explosion there is nowhere near enough blood. Slimmer: Nice belly-to-back. Slimmer: Hey, Onita's arm is BUSTED WIDE OPEN. Small: You totally no-sold my statement, Michael Cole! Slimmer: I'm a slow typer.
SEVEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Jumping DDT gets... 2. Slimmer: Just wait for the Kudo match when I'm only typing with one hand. Small: I don't even wanna know. Slimmer: Oh, it's hot. Slimmer: You'll see. Small: Oh great, they repeat the spot. Slimmer: DOWN GOES THE REF! Slimmer: DOWN GOES THE REF! Small: Holy Hiroshima, that dude is Nagasaki'd!
EIGHT MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: I'm SO getting fired. Slimmer: We're so going to hell for that... Slimmer: So wait, Onita just blew up Hayabusa, but NOW he's kicking him in the head? Small: For all you readers at home, Hayabusa was thrown into the exploding cage but will not stay down. Small: And we Americans think the undertaker is a bad seller. Slimmer: Hogan leg drop gets two...
NINE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: He should have run the ropes. Slimmer: BROTHER! Small: Oh wait! Small: Sharpshooter. Small: RING THE FUCKING BELL. Slimmer: Dude, it's in DEEP. Slimmer: The Rock needed to watch this. Small: That's what she said! Small: Or is it that's what HE said?
TEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: I'm totally calling you Tobais from now on. Slimmer: Boston Crab. Small: You mean the New England Crab. Small: I'm from Boston (at least at the moment) and don't wanna be associated with this. Slimmer: This match it TOTALLY Michaels / Orton with a bunch of exploding stuff.
ELEVEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: I assume you are referring to the Survivor Series match. Slimmer: Yeah. Small: Never seen it. Slimmer: Standing side head lock. Slimmer: ONITA INTO THE CAGE! Slimmer: BIG BANG! Small: So i think the readers know who is JR here. Slimmer: BIG BANG! Small: PUPPIES!!!! Small: PUPPIES!!!!
TWELVE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: OH MY GOD! Slimmer: The sprinklers are going off. Slimmer: Nice. Small: He's a scalding dog. Slimmer: Another statement that shall get me fired. Slimmer: ECW never got their sprinklers tog off. Small: The bingo hall never had running water. Slimmer: You beat me to that joke by like two seconds. Slimmer: Stop stepping on my lines.
THIRTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Figure 4 by Hayabusa. Small: WOOO. Slimmer: Oh, and by the way, when the clock above the ring gets to 0:00, the whole things explodes. Small: So this is a Steven Segal movie? Slimmer: So these guys want to finish the match before that. Slimmer: SLAP FIGHT! Small: So why those fucking headlocks to start?
FOURTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Psychology! Slimmer: Or maybe Ortonology. Small: You already used an Orton joke. Slimmer: I love them. Slimmer: 4… Slimmer: 3... Slimmer: 2... Slimmer: 1... Slimmer: BOOM! Small: Mah Gawd! Slimmer: BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!
FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: No, that's a no contest! Slimmer: There're the sprinklers again. Slimmer: THEY'VE KILLED THEM! Slimmer: AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, THEY'VE KILLED THEM! Slimmer: Oh, and the match does continue. Small: Fans, if judging by this match you are a fan of Hayabusa (and how can't you be), he makes a great cameo in the Misunderstood Masterpiece Backyard Dogz.
SIXTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Note that Ref #1 does appear to be dead. Slimmer: We have a new ref for the near falls.
SEVENTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: So at this moment, Onita knows two moves: a DDT and a powerbomb. Small: YOU CANT POWERBOMB HAYABUSA! Slimmer: The old ref is out cold on the left side of the screen. Slimmer: ANGLE MOONSAULT! Small: Stop talking about the ref. Slimmer: He's the best part of the match. Slimmer: He sells like a champ. Slimmer: Onita powerbomb gets... 2. Small: Dude, that pinfall was BUTSEX.
EIGHTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: I'm sorry, BUSECHS. Slimmer: Not as good as Edge / Beullah. Small: ONS 2? Slimmer: Yeah. Small: Never seen it. Slimmer: Do you watch wrasslin'? Small: At times. Slimmer: Onita powerbomb gets the 3 count! Slimmer: Onita wins! Small: And proceeds to pleasure Hayabusa.
END OF THE MATCH
Small: Sadly the youtube feed is cut off. Slimmer: Have some respect. Small: Always before the best part. Small: Dammit webcamgurl69. Small: Such a tease! Slimmer: Great, I'm watching puro, and you're watching porn. Slimmer: Just wait for the Kudo match. Slimmer: It's the best of both worlds. Slimmer: I do all the work around here. Small: No, Larry does. Small: He does have a new Podcast. Slimmer: Ladies and Gentlemen, this has been Jeff Small joins the Larry Csonka Kiss My Ass Club. Small: I've done that a long time ago. Small: Shit man, I haven't been fired yet. Small: You should have known something was up. Slimmer: Is that how you got out of doing Heat? Small: Actually I just asked. Slimmer: Becaue it would totally be worth it. Small: Anyway, any final thoughts on this match, Tobais? Slimmer: I'm going ***½. Small: Why did you deduct points? Slimmer: It had good psychology, but it was less death matchy than I expected. Small: See i disagree. Small: I'm going the FULL MONTY HERE ---- DUD!!! Slimmer: Dude. Small: They clearly do not know how to work WWE style. Slimmer: That's not necessarily a bad thing. Small: Onita hit three jumping DDT's and four powerbombs! Small: Where's the mixing it up? Slimmer: I think that's strong style or fighting spirit or something. Small: He should have finished with a big boot. Slimmer: Hey, how many Stunners / Rock Bottoms did it take Rock to FINALLY beat Austin at WMXIX? Small: Never seen it. Slimmer: I hate you so much.
Match 2: Cactus Jack (c) vs. Kentaru W*ING Kanemura
Date: May 5, 1996 Location: Kawasaki Stadium (Kanagawa, Japan) Attendance: 33,231 Stipulation: Barbed Wire Barricade Spider Net Broken Glass Death Match Championship: IWA Japan King of the Death Match
Cactus Jack, a.k.a. Mick Foley, is one of the most famous wrestlers in the history of the industry. He made his name in AWA, WCW, ECW, FMW, and WWE by being one of the most brutal and fearless hardcore wrestlers ever to lace up a pair of wrestling boots. In 1995 he was the breakout star and eventual winner of the now famous IWA Japan King of the Death Match Tournament. In one night he defeated Terry Gordy in a Barbed Wire Baseball Bat Thumbtack Match, Shoji Nakamaki in a Barbed Wire Board Spike Nail Match, and Terry Funk in a Barbed Wire Rope, Exploding C4, Time Bomb Death Match. Holy shit, indeed. This match took place a year later as FMW star Kentaru W*ING Kanemura challenged Cactus Jack's right to call himself the true King of the Death Match. You can argue about whether or not Cactus Jack's IWA Japan King of the Death Match Championship was really on the line or whether this match was actually just about pride, but in the minds of Cactus Jack and Kanemura those two things were one and the same.
START OF THE PRE-MATCH PROMO
Small: That cactus jack sure tells a good promo. Slimmer: You think he would do well in WWE? Small: Well not with this "Cactus Jack" gimmick. Slimmer: Maybe something with a mask? Small: Nah, masks are overrated.
ONE MINUTE INTO THE PRE-MATCH PROMO
Small: I would think a 70s gimmick would be good. Small: Hell, That 70s Guy would be Awesome! Slimmer: Best... line... ever... Slimmer: BANG BANG!
START OF THE MATCH
Slimmer: Anyway, we have a collar-and-elbow tie-up to start the DEATH MATCH. Slimmer: It's like Japanese Heat. Small: So slimmer, care to inform me what makes this a death match?
ONE MINUTE INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Of course. Slimmer: This particular death match involved barbed wire being wrapped around the ropes on two sides of the ring. Slimmer: And there is barbed wire and broken glass outside of the ring on the other two sides. Small: But what's the point of a death match?
TWO MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Victory can be obtained by pinfall or submission. Slimmer: Think of it like an ECW Extreme Rules match that doesn't suck. Small: But isn't that every match? Small: So Snitsky would be undefeated in Death Matches? Slimmer: Unfortunately.
THREE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: And Kanemura just tossed a table at Cactus. Small: Actually, John Cena made Snitsky tap out to the STFU! Slimmer: RANDOM INTERFERENCE! Small: Who knows there WWE trivia now? Small: Mark!!! Slimmer: That's not something to be proud of. Small: Dude, Wing Kanemura is wearing Harlem Heat tights. Small: That's something not to be proud of. Slimmer: Harlem Heat tights with Kevin Nash fringe.
FOUR MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Dude, is Kanemura trying to splinter him to death? Small: Oh my god. Slimmer: Suplex into the bed of barbed wire. Small: I thought that was glass. Slimmer: I think it's barbed wire. Slimmer: The glass is on the other side of the ring.
FIVE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: CACTUS ELBOW! Slimmer: INTO THE BARBED WIRE! Slimmer: WITH A CHAIR! Slimmer: Ooh, the Nash fringe is caught in the barbed wire. Small: So where's that dude that was doing outside interference? Small: Why isn't he helping Wing? Slimmer: He played his role. Slimmer: Remember, FMW is like the Japanese ECW. Small: At least the ref should have thrown him out.
SIX MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Run-ins don't need to make sense. Small: Ah. Slimmer: You can't throw somebodyut of a death match. Small: Dude, we got some good plasma. Slimmer: And a few platelets. Small: Of course Mr. Science guy needs to bust out the fancy words. Slimmer: Cactus tea bag shot!
SEVEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Now this is getting silly. Slimmer: And Kanemura is back in the wire... Small: He's hardcore. Slimmer: You can't be hardcore in fringe. Small: Dude, this isn't Hidden Highlights. Slimmer: Hogan leg drop on the apron. Small: I don't care about wardrobe.
EIGHT MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Cactus with the tree of woe... Small: Btw, the Hogan Leg Drop should now be called the Divorce Court. Slimmer: BROTHER! Small: Swinging neckbreaker. Small: Stump piledriver gets 2!
NINE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Cactus with a broken table... he's heading up top... Small: hardcore holly would be proud of that dropkick. Slimmer: Hardcore holly isn't proud of anyone for anything. Small: flying jalapeno!
TEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: And it gets 2. Slimmer: We're on the side with the glass... Small: something bad is gonna happen. Slimmer: You didn't gather that from the DEATH MATCH title? Small: I think that fringe is Rocker-ish.
ELEVEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: CACTUS IN THE GLASS! Slimmer: CACTUS IN THE GLASS! Small: OH MY GOD Small: The best thing is Cactus is saying "ow." Slimmer: Um, I'm thinking it probably hurt. Small: What a wimp. Small: Dude, Kurt Angle suplexed Shane McMahon through glass and he didn't scream in pain. Slimmer: Billionaires don't scream.
TWELVE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: They pay people to do it for them. Small: Speaking of which, I miss the Mean Street Posse. Slimmer: That's why Joey Styles has a job. Small: Pete Gas would totally be IC champ by now. Slimmer: I'd pay to see Umaga kill Pete Gas. Slimmer: Oh, and Cactus is back in the glass.
THIRTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: So for those still reading this (why?) wing has thrown catcus into the barbed wire a few times. Slimmer: Why? Slimmer: Because they love us. Small: Or just me. Small: Cactus hip toss into glass! Slimmer: Elbow drop into glass!
FOURTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: HBK he' aint. Slimmer: But maybe Macho Man... Small: Charlie Haas-like OB2B!
FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Ain't no stoppin' him now (except the knees to the gut) Slimmer: Dude, if his match ends on a roll-up.... Small: SMALL package. Small: It ain't no SLIMMER package. Slimmer: Stop talking about my package. Slimmer: DDT into barbed wire.... gets 2.
SIXTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: This match better have some crazy ending. Slimmer: Like Cactus falling through the... Slimmer: Oh, nevermind. Small: BOOO!!! Slimmer: DDT into barbed wire gets the 3.
END OF THE MATCH
Small: That finish sucked. Slimmer: Yeah, it did. Small: Why don't they just have a DQ ending. Slimmer: Because Vince Russo was working for a different company at the time. Small: I think a Fight For Your Right Exploding Death Cage Match would rule! Slimmer: Where you have to climb INTO the cage. Small: Well who wouldn't want a title shot at the prestigious TNA title. Small: What ex-WWE mid-carder wouldn't want that? Slimmer: RVD has resisted so far... Small: Anyway slimmer, thoughts on the match. Slimmer: I'm going **¼. Slimmer: Mostly for effort. Slimmer: But it was really sloppy. Small: SQUADOOSH for me once again. Small: Wing was nothing more than a glorified jobber and Cactus was very unimpressive. Small: Again, I'm not a fan of 7 DDTs in a match. Slimmer: Wing was one of FMW's top stars. Small: Jake Roberts wouldn't do that shit. Small: God Help that company. Slimmer: No, he would do 1 DDT and 6 lines of crack. Small: Fuck yeah! Slimmer: Wait, do you do lines of crack? Slimmer: Who's the biggest druggee on the 411 staff? Small: Meehan. Slimmer: BURN! Small: So slimmer, I'm quite unimpressed so far. Small: I hope this last match is better. Slimmer: Sure, the second match was unimpressive, but the first was not bad at all. Slimmer: And yes, the third is the best of the bunch. Small: I hope so. Slimmer: Easily one of the best FMW matches ever. Small: How do you know this? Slimmer: Some dude on some site said so. Slimmer: And I believe everything I read on the internet. Small: What a basement dweller.
Match 3: Noriyo "Combat" Toyoda (c) vs. Megumi Kudo
Date: May 5, 1996 Location: Kawasaki Stadium (Kanagawa, Japan) Attendance: 33,231 Stipulation: Exploding Barbed Wire Death Match Championships: FMW Independent Women's Championship & WWA Women's Championship
The FMW Women's Division was every bit as brutal and hardcore as the Men's Division. During the promotion's glory days in the mid-nineties, the FMW Independent Women's Championship and the WWA Women's Championship were held simultaneously and co-defended. Noriyo "Combat" Toyoda was the first WWA Women's Champion and the most dominant woman in the early days of FMW. In fact, she had won the FMW Independent Women's Championship and the WWA Women's Championship for a record fifth time on December 10, 1995. However, this was to be Toyoda's retirement match, and she was defending the titles against FMW star and former four-time Women's Champion Megumi Kudo. This match would eventually be remembered not only as the single greatest Women's Match in FMW history, but also as one of the greatest FMW matches of any type.
START OF THE PRE-MATCH INTRODUCTIONS
Small: Slimmer, can you read subtitles? Slimmer: No, I thought that was your job. Small: My job is to mention you periodically in my Small-For-All so people still know you exist. Slimmer: No, let's be honest, your job is to sell panties. Small: And I do that pretty poorly. Slimmer: And speaking of panties, we have two chicks in the ring. Slimmer: Well, one chick and Combat Toyoda.
START OF THE MATCH
Slimmer: And now we have ANOTHER collar-and-elbow tie-up in a DEATH MATCH. Small: I could swear Combat Toyoda is Bull Nakano.
ONE MINUTE INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Why do I get the feeling that Harvey Whippleman would love this match? Small: Because you touch yourself at night. Slimmer: DAMN! Small: The Japanese fans are way too silent for me. Small: I need a "Show Your Puppies" chant. Slimmer: Bad Small.
TWO MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: They crowd may be cold, but Toyado makes enough noise for all of them. Slimmer: She's like the Serena Williams of the squared circle. Small: INDEED!
THREE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Okay, question: Slimmer: I totally get in a normal barbed wire match why you would try to rake your opponent's face in the wire. Slimmer: But isn't that a hella bad idea when the wire will EXPLODE? Slimmer: I'm just sayin', is all. Small: Are there explosions in this match? Slimmer: Yeah, it's an exploding barbed wire death match. Small: Because right now I need one – this shit is boring.
FOUR MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: No, it's fundamentally sound. Slimmer: There'a a difference. Small: Holy Shit! Small: Kudo just bodyslammed Toydoda with ease! Small: There goes your fundamentally sound theory. Slimmer: Next question: Slimmer: Who's fuglier: Slimmer: Toyoda or Andre the Giant?
FIVE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Hmm... Small: Nicole Bass. Slimmer: Hey, the crowd finally woke up. Slimmer: We don't speak of Nicole Bass. Slimmer: Bad Small.
SIX MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Just like we don't speak of Mark Sakamano at 411. Slimmer: DAMN! Slimmer: And I think you might have just gotten yourself fired. Slimmer: Nice job. Small: It took long enough. Small: BTW, I'm taking you with me. Slimmer: I figured as much. Small: So what's happening in the match? Slimmer: Something REALLY needs to go boom soon.
SEVEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: BOOM! Slimmer: KUDO GOES BOOM! Small: I don't know what's more impressive: Toyoda's Dropkick or Kudo going boom.
EIGHT MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: And she's selling like a champ. Small: I think she might be dead. Slimmer: Hey, if Big Vis can hit a spinning heel kick, then Toyoda can hit a dropkick. Slimmer: Um, it is called a "death match." Small: Overhead one handed powerbomb for 2. Slimmer: Torture rack. Slimmer: That's Luger style. Slimmer: Airplane spin. Slimmer: That's Eugene style. Slimmer: I'm guessing retards and death matches are a bad combination.
NINE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Backbreaker. Small: That's Strong Style. Slimmer: You SO don't know what strong style means. Small: I was referring to Roderick Strong. Small: I'm too clever sometimes. Slimmer: Nice save. Small: Japanese Surfboard!
TEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Arm drag of death. Slimmer: Kudo is hardcore. Slimmer: BOOM GOES TOYODA! Slimmer: BOOM GOES TOYODA! Small: Is it wrong of me to want Green Mist to spew from Toyoda's mouth. Slimmer: No, that would be hot.
ELEVEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Hey, what happened to the other half of Kudo's tights? Small: Main Event Sleeper applied by Kudo. Slimmer: Kudo's gonna kill you! Slimmer: Kudo's gonna kill you! Small: I believe we call this the Tazmission. Small: Or how Japanese people know it: gorkamorka.
TWELVE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Well, it's been a fun two years. Small: Owen Hart Enziguri into a Dan Severn Dragon Sleeper. Small: Remember when Owen used Dan Severn to attack Ken Shamrock? Small: Ah memories. Slimmer: Vaguely. Slimmer: I was drunk alot in the nineties.
THIRTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: It was just before the Lion's Den Match. Small: Precursor to the much better Punjabi Prison match Slimmer: Dude, flying Batista RULED! Small: Never seen it Slimmer: Die, Small, Die. Slimmer: Pedigree? Slimmer: Countered by Toyoda. Small: Dude Kudo is the female Triple H!
FOURTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: German Suplex! Small: That was a sick German. Slimmer: That's Ben... Slimmer: Oh, nevermind. Small: You can't powerbomb Kudo! Small: Man, I'm fucking Scott Keith here! Slimmer: Worst... visual... ever...
FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: That came out really wrong. Slimmer: So put it back in. Slimmer: I think I just threw up in my mouth. Small: Firecrotch Powerbomb for 2½. Slimmer: Pedigree by Toyoda! Slimmer: No, Pedigree into a Razor's Edge by Toyoda!
SIXTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Somebody must be a Cliq fan. Small: BONZAI! Slimmer: 2 and 175/176ths! Small: That was damn close.
SEVENTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Victory Rollup by Kudo for 2 87/89ths. Slimmer: Kudo's spent. Small: So is the premise to this column. Slimmer: Word. Slimmer: I love the spot where Kudo tries to run the ropes and then realizes that's a bad idea.
EIGHTTEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Small: Oh My God! Small: I think I just witnessed a murder. Slimmer: BOOM GOES BOTH CHICKS! Slimmer: Why isn't the ref making the ten count? Small: For the readers still with us, Kudo butt bumps Toyoda into the exploding ring ropes. Small: Unfortunately for Kudo, she also fell into the ropes.
NINETEEN MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: This is going to end like Michaels / Triple H from Royal Rumble 2004. Small: Double draw. Small: I saw that match. Slimmer: Seriously? Slimmer: I found a match that Small saw! Small: Yeah man, I had a black box at that time. Slimmer: I'm so calling the feds. Small: It's worthless now. Slimmer: You're going to Gitmo, bitch.
TWENTY MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Was that a Tiger Bomb? Small: Yes it was! Small: Kudo hits it for 2¾. Slimmer: I'm shocked that we both know the of that move. Small: I'm a Jaime Noble mark. Slimmer: That's "the name" of that move. Slimmer: Okay, Kudo damn near just killed Toyoda.
TWENTY-ONE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH
Slimmer: Total botched powerbomb. Small: That was Heidenreich levels of botched. Slimmer: No, it was Nash / Giant levels of botched. Small: I concur. Slimmer: Unprettier? Small: Kudo goes for the Vertebreaker. Slimmer: No, Unprettier into a DDT! Small: And connects for 3.
END OF THE MATCH
Small: Wow, Toyoda ended up a bitch. Slimmer: And in her retirement match, no less. Slimmer: That's Lita style. Small: How did you not know the name of the Vertebreaker? Slimmer: We don't have Vertebreakers on Heat. Small: Unprettier into a DDT... are you watching Candice Michelle matches? Slimmer: Um, yeah. I recap Heat. Small: Star Ratings? Slimmer: I'm going ****¼. Small: Why ****¼? Slimmer: Great psychology. Slimmer: Good use of the gimmick. Slimmer: Nice big chick / little chick action. Slimmer: Good variety of moves. Slimmer: And Toyoda put over the future of the FMW Women's Division on her way out the door. Small: So you wanna hear my thoughts? Slimmer: You know I do. Small: Well man, after giving the first two matches DUDs, we of course have to give this one... Slimmer: DON'T DO IT! Small: * star. Slimmer: Dude... Small: Match was boring as fuck man. Small: I rattled off WWE ‘99 facts. Slimmer: Okay, just so I can start to understand your tastes, what's your all-time favorite match? Small: Easy, Kennel From Hell, Unforgiven 1999. Slimmer: We want Head! Slimmer: We want Head! Small: Now that's a Death Match. Slimmer: The best part isn't that you named Kennel from Hell. Slimmer: It's that you know the ppv off the top of your head. Slimmer: That's just sick. Small: I'm one of a kind. Slimmer: RVD! Slimmer: RVD! Slimmer: RVD! Small: Remember kids, I'm Jeff Small... and you're not!!! Slimmer: Good for you, kids. Slimmer: So for the night, you're going DUD, DUD, *? Small: Yup, it's like reading your review of No Mercy 2007! Slimmer: DAMN! Slimmer: Now THAT was a show that sucked. Slimmer: Sucked giant monkey balls. Slimmer: Giant salty chocolate monkey balls. Small: Oh come on dude, how can you go wrong with a pizza eating contest. Slimmer: Because it ended with projection hurling. Slimmer: That's like the count out of pizza eating contests. Slimmer: If I pay forty bucks for a pizza eating contest, then I want a winner! Small: But yeah man, I was quite unimpressed with FMW. Slimmer: Next time I'll find some FMW matches from their partnership with ECW. Slimmer: There's some great RVD / Sabu / Hayabusa stuff. Small: Can't we do another company? Slimmer: CZW? Small: I'd love to see some Mexican. Slimmer: Is that the fed with the midget gorillas? Small: No, that's good quality entertainment. Slimmer: Hell, I'm on board if you can find some Super Porky matches. Small: Excellent! Slimmer: Okay, any last words after your first taste of FMW? Small: Yeah, I wasn't actually fucking Scott Keith I was just talking like him. Slimmer: Hey, you fly your freak flag proud. Slimmer: If you can do Scott Keith and watch puro at the same time, then more power to you. Small: The Power is Back!!! Slimmer: And I'm really sad about the fact that your only memory of FMW is going to be not doing Scott Keith. Small: Actually man, I miss wrestlers running the ropes. Small: Death matches totally inhibit the wrestling style: hence why Inferno matches aren't that good. Slimmer: Yeah, that's tough with the barbed wire and all. Slimmer: Oh, I had a great casket inferno match that I was going to use. Small: And you went with a Woman's match. Small: I hate you. Slimmer: Hey, you specifically requested a women's match! Small: But I wanted hot chicks. Slimmer: No, you probably just wanted Kudo vs. Toyoda vs. a cup. Slimmer: Sick freak. Small: Yes, two girls and a cup!!! Slimmer: That's hardcore. Small: Now that's a video worthy of a recap! Slimmer: Um, I'll let you talk to Larry about that. Slimmer: Does 411 even have a zone for that? Small: Sadly it doesn't. Small: Any last words Slimmer? Slimmer: FMW! FMW! FMW! Small: Of course.
Slimmer: So I guess that just about does it for the first… and probably last… edition of Slimmer and Small watch Puro on YouTube.
Small: Dammit, it's Small and Slim…
Slimmer: Shut it, Small. Before we go, I'd like to acknowledge BAHU's FMW World for the absolutely insane amount of information I learned there during the preparation of this column. It may not be the flashiest site in the world, but I've never seen any other site cover as much detail about any wrestling promotion. If you have any further questions regarding FMW, then that's the site for you. Anyway, I've had a ton of fun working on this column, and I'm really glad that Small and I took the time to step outside of our usual wrestling comfort zone. Wilcox will be back next week with another amazing edition of Thoughts from the Top Rope. Until then, he's been Jeff Small, and I've been Scott Slimmer. Say good night, Small.
Small: Word.
Slimmer: I SAID SAY GOOD NIGHT, BITCH!
Small: Fine. Good night, bitch.
Slimmer: I hate you so much. Finally, we'd be remiss if we didn't plug 411's hella sweet podcast series. Be sure to check out the TNA Conference Call 10-25-07 – Christian Cage to hear yours truly chat it up with the Instant Classic.
411's back with another huge podcast broadcast! Larry and the Wife have returned, and while the cable company denied them the TNA Turning Point show, they still got together to review some WWE 24/7, showcasing classic ECW TV from 1996! They also give out new prizes, and announce the next contest details. Check out the latest podcast of Larry and the Wife below!
Also on the player is the breakdown of the ROH Man Up PPV!
TO STREAM: Simply press the play button on the podcast player.
TO DOWNLOAD: Right click on the DOWNLOAD HERE link below and then save the mp3 file to your computer.
