The Un-Dream Match 12.23.07: Taz(z) vs. Hornswoggle

Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.23.2007

The match may not be any good, but at least it'll be short.

Welcome to the Un-Dream Match, 411's effort to take a look at some of the most bizarre potential pairings that pro wrestling may bring to us in the coming years. I'm Ryan Byers, and this week I'm previewing an epic potential clash.



Taz(z) vs. Hornswoggle



Brief Background:

Midget wrestling (or "little people wrestling" if you prefer the more politically correct term) has a long and storied history in the United States. From the 1960's onward, men like Lord Littlebrook, Little Beaver, Sky Low Low, and the Haiti Kid thrilled audiences with their stunning array of butt bites and short arm scissors. In the 1990's, long time midget wrestler Tiger Jackson became a star unparalleled within the division, as he donned grease paint and became Dink the Clown, a character that will forever have a place in the hearts of those wrestling fans who grew up during the WWF's "New Generation" period. For a while, it looked like Dink would achieve the greatest heights of any midget wrestler. Then, in the late 1990's a visionary booker by the name of Paul Heyman had an idea.

"What if I didn't confine midgets to the comedy match immediately after intermission?" Heyman thought to himself. "What if I made a midget in to my WORLD CHAMPION?"

It was a radical idea, but fortunately Heyman knew just the midget for the job. Pete Senerca, a long-time midget wrestler known as the Tazmaniac had been competing on some of Paul E.'s Extreme Championship wrestling shows. Senerca had some definite highs in his career. He was a stunt double for an Ewok in one of the Star Wars films, he earned thousands of dollars a year at a job climbing through the fat flaps of a young Nelson "Big Daddy V" Frazier and dislodging lost chucks of food, and he even had a stint in the WWF as "Sleazy," one of the midgets on Jerry Lawler's team during his infamous 1994 Survivor Series match against Doink the Clown. However, his prior successes were nothing compared to the heights to which Heyman planned on propelling him. Paul repackaged the Tazmaniac as Taz(z), an angry, shoot fighting dwarf who had a serious grudge against all things taller than 4'. Armed with an impressive array of suplexes and empty promises that Missy Hyatt would sleep with his opponents if they took a dive, Taz(z) quickly became a name well known throughout the basements of individuals who sired children with the unfortunate mental condition known as "ECW fandom."

Due to his impressive ECW Title reign, Taz(z) appeared to be destined to go down as the most popular midget in the history of professional wrestling. Then, something unexpected happened. Earlier this year, it was revealed that Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, had a tryst with a woman some twenty years ago that resulted in the birth of a bastard child. That child was given the unfortunate name of Hornswoggle, and he was quickly accepted as a key part of Vince's empire when the self-proclaimed billionaire became aware of his offspring's existence. The WWE creative team even wrote a storyline in which Hornswoggle was made in to Vince McMahon's illegitimate son on Monday Night Raw to mirror his real life status. Since becoming a character on Raw, Hornswoggle has been made in to an integral part of the program, with his segments drawing the show's highest quarter hour ratings by far. He has been a critical success in addition to a popular success, as there is substantial buzz that WWE will receive its first Emmy nomination for the writing of the Hornswoggle story arc (much of which is rumored to be handled by Horny himself).

Unfortunately, instead of being happy for his fellow midget's success, Taz(z) is reportedly rather jealous and concerned that his place in history will be eclipsed by a more successful short guy. Rumors have swirled that Taz(z) will eventually be challenging Hornswoggle to a backstage fight in order to resolve these issues. As such, we here at 411mania have decided to determine what would happen if the two parties settled their issues in the squared circle.

Strength:

Though I'm not aware of a contest which could definitively award him this title, Taz(z) may be the world's strongest midget. His run in ECW was chock full of impressive feats of strength, including the Red Hook native hitting several suplexes on gargantuans like Bam Bam Bigelow. Granted, it has been several years since Taz(z)'s time as an active competitor, but anybody who watches him announce on WWE's ECW program is well aware that he has stayed in shape. As a matter of fact, he may in the best shape of his career. His bulging abdominal and pectoral muscles have grown to the point that they've stretched his skin and made it appear as though he is morbidly obese. On the other side of the ring, Hornswoggle has had very few opportunities to showcase his strength on WWE programming. However, before he was a part of the Monday Night Raw roster, Horny competed on the independent scene under the name Shortstack. Having seen some of his independent matches, I can honestly say that his strength does not measure up to that of Taz(z). The perfect example of this took place on XPWA Deep South's "April Blood Showers" card, when Hornswoggle was challenged to a series of athletic contests by fellow indy midget wrestler "Itty Bitty" Boxcars Boyer. Though Hornswoggle won the first two events (cue ball shot putting and the one meter dash), he crashed and burned in the eight ounce curl competition. While Boxcars finished twelve reps before passing out, Horny could only hit three. This may be the category in which we have our most clear-cut winner.

Advantage: Taz(z)

Speed:

According to Ken Kennedy and many other reputable sources who have been backstage at WWE shows, drugs are no longer a problem within the company. However, being in an ECW locker room in the late 1990's was akin to opening up one of the luggage compartments in Keith Richards' tour bus. Thus, Taz(z) probably has more experience with speed than Hornswoggle.

Advantage: Taz(z)

Brawling:

Many observers may be quick to give the nod to Taz(z) in this category, citing his time in the WWF's brutal Hardcore Title division. I will have to part with conventional wisdom, though, and declare Horny the better brawler of the two men. Hornswoggle was brought in to WWE by Fit Finlay, a man whose own theme music declares his love of fighting. WWE theme music has never lied to me. (Who could forget the Rougeau Brothers' deep, passionate, and sincere love for the USA?) As such, I believe that Finlay is a world class brawler. Some of that would no doubt have rubbed off on Hornswoggle over the last several months, making him to a lean, mean, street fighting machine. Besides, who did Taz(z) have to look up to when he was developing his brawling skills in ECW? Ian Rotten? New Jack? Raven? Come on. Those guys are pansies. Call me when they develop an array of chinlocks as devastating as Randy Orton's or a seated abdominal stretch that can match up with MVP's. Those are the moves that will take you places in a real fight, not a Nintendo to the head or a Taipei deathmatch-style fist covered in broken glass.

Advantage: Hornswoggle

Stamina:

Oddly enough, there was a recent real life incident behind the scenes at a WWE show that gives us insight in to stamina of Taz(z) and Hornswoggle. This was reported in Dave Meltzer's Wrestling Observer Newsletter just last month. (And, now that I've used the magic words "Dave Meltzer," you are prevented from questioning the story's credibility in any way, shape, or form. It's internet wrestling rule #253.) The wrestlers were apparently rather bored at a show in Topeka, Kansas and had no form of entertainment outside of a boomerang, a length of rope, and wheeled dolly. Improvising, they decided to play stagecoach, with one wrestler at a time being designated as the "horse." The horse would put the boomerang in his mouth, and the boomerang would then be tied to the dolly. The horse would then see how long he could pull Elijah Burke before passing out. Taz(z) gave it a go and only lasted about five feet. Hornswoggle, meanwhile, completed three laps around the arena and would have hit four if not for the fact that he slipped in a puddle of water left over from Triple H practicing his entrance. You'd think that after eight years of doing it the exact same way, he wouldn't need that much rehearsal.

Advantage: Hornswoggle

Intangibles:

Isn't this category redundant? Aren't staminia, strength, brawling, and speed all intangible qualities? I can't touch, hold, or feel somebody's stamina. Doesn't that, by definition, make it intangible?

Advantage: Semantics

Willingness to Cheat:

This is where Taz(z) may be in some trouble. In ECW, he was repeatedly quoted as saying, "I don't need any weapons . . . my hands are my weapons." Because of this, I determined several years ago that if I ever attempted to mug somebody using a semi-automatic weapon, it would be Taz(z). Hey, I know he's not going to be packing any heat. Hornswoggle, meanwhile, has a blatant disrespect for the rules of professional wrestling. I can't remember the last Hornswoggle match that I saw in which he didn't cheat in some way. In Fit Finlay's recent Armageddon match against the Great Khali, Horny was instrumental in handing the Northern Irishman not one but two wacking sticks with which to blast the Punjabi giant. He has also paid off the Acolyte Protection Agency to rough up his opponents and relied on run-ins from Hulk Hogan to deflect his foes' attacks. He is a dirty, filthy cheater, and I'm frankly appalled that so many children still cheer him despite his underhanded ways. If there was every any indication that our society is headed to hell in a handbasket, this is it.

Advantage: Hornswoggle

Who would win?:

If an epic match like this were to occur, many writers would call the fans the true winners. Those writers are hacks who rely on trite cliches and should be punched in the face. The real winner would no doubt be Hornswoggle. Taz(z) would come at him and attempt to throw him around the ring with sundry Taz(z)plexes before locking on the Taz(z)mission in order to score the Taz(z)ictory and have his arm raised by the Taz(z)eree. Unfortunately, as we discussed in the "willingness to cheat" section, Hornswoggle's opponents have an unfortunate tendency to meet with "accidents" before the final bell rings. I have no doubt in my mind that, if a Taz(z)/Hornswoggle match were scheduled, Taz(z) would soon find himself wearing cement shoes at the bottom of a lake. Hornswoggle, despite the fact that he is seen by many as a character geared towards children, is a vicious, nasty son of a gun capable of committing heinous acts to get what he wants. Stay away from this man, Taz(z). Think of your children.

Winner: Hornswoggle