The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 12.27.07

Posted by Jeff Small on 12.27.2007

With As Little Wrestling Talk As Possible!

Oh yeah, who do you think this is? Hyatte! (Yes that's my second reference to him this past month. No, he's not coming back.)

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!





Welcome back to Jesus's favorite Thursday News Report, the Small-For-All! Must I say that it feels real good to be back! Astute readers might have realized that I didn't pen last week's edition. Unlike other jabronis who cover for me (Slimmer and Wilcox), last week's fill-in, Sat, did a great job keeping my format. So much so that it did not even seem like I was missing… Ok, that's a lie. Sat, the next time you fill-in for me at least try to use the words "fellatio" or "masterbatory."

That said it is with great pleasure to announce that today's edition is one-year in the making! Why? Because it's a "Best of 2007" News Report! Ha, I fuckin' kill myself. Last year when I was still writing on Sundays, I had the inspiration to devote most of my Holiday News Report to those filler "Best of" lists but unfortunately outside circumstances came up (I got piss drunk at Medieval Times). Thankfully this year, we won't be having this problem… damn restraining orders!

Anyway, this week's news report is as follows: I will highlight a couple of newsworthy items that have gone unnoticed over the past week (silly 411 peers) before jumping right into a "Best of" list that will cover my takes in music, movies, and perhaps, a little bit of wrestling. For those that might want to know a little more about me, this is a good way to uncover my psyche. For those that don't give a shit, you can skip that masterbatory segment. See Sat, it's not that hard to do.

NEWZ FROM TITAN TOWERS!

A Flair For the Gold

According to the Wrestling Observer, here is the original idea that was proposed for the Ric Flair angle.

Flair was to be off TV for a while before joining Smackdown, with vignettes showing historical moments in Flair's career building to Flair's return to Smackdown. The push was for Khali to defend the World Title against Flair on the August Saturday Night's Main Event. The idea was the bring legends on for cameos giving their prediction on the match to give it a 'big match feel', including using his family. Flair would show up in a limo, get a promo, get some comeback offense before losing. The announcers would try and get a word with Flair but he wouldn't talk. The next week he wouldn't be there but they'd hype an important interview with Flair on the next show.

The announcers would talk about rumors Flair was going to announce his retirement. Flair would cut a promo saying he's not the person he once was as the old Ric Flair would've won the title that night, and if he can't be the old Ric Flair, then he would retire because he wants fans to remember the old days and not what he has become. He would then say being in that match changed him, because he refuses to go out like that, but the next time he lost he would retire.

He'd get some wins and there would be more legend cameos. One old rival (Terry Funk was suggested) would be one of the guys doing a tribute but actually subtly knock him. They would build to a Flair vs. MVP match for the US Title at Unforgiven. That rival would interfere as Flair had the match won so Flair would win via DQ but not get the belt.

The idea was to go in October with Flair & someone from his past against Foley & whomever (Funk) to build to a Survivor Series match where the Four Horsemen would be put together for one last time against four old Flair rivals. The proposed idea included a Flair vs. Foley Armageddon match and a Flair nostalgia opponent match at the Rumble.

Flair would be picked for the Money in the Bank match at Mania, and win the match (when people expect because of the odds it will be his last match). He would then ask for his title match that night at Mania, most likely lose, and then place his robe and his boots in the middle of the ring and walk off.

Holy shit, how awesome did the above sound! As a true legend to this business, the proposed storyline would have been a great send-off to Flair. With that said, I can understand why the WWE did not stay true to these plans. It's a hell of a lot of time devoted to a part-time wrestler who can barely bump off of a backdrop.

But Jeff, doesn't Flair deserve that sort of a send-off? Yes, in a perfect world, that would be a great way to end your career. And yes, someone the stature of Ric Flair deserves it. However, Flair's wresting career has deteriorated over the last two years that I don't think he have fully pulled off the storyline. If this was Flair from 2005 (IC Champion), I'd say go for it. Sadly, it's not even the Flair from the Mick Foley feud in the summer of 06.

Furthering this belief, the storyline is almost too-long for its build. As much as I love long-term builds, Flair fighting against the odds for 7 months (Sept-March) is a long time. The average wrestling fan does not have the attention-span to sit through a 7 month angle. The best WWE long-term angles (Kurt/Steph/HHH love triangle, Batista leaving Evolution, Test/Steiner) have lasted around 4 months.

But hey, just because the entire angle has been shortened doesn't mean the end result could not happen. In fact, the best part of this angle would take place at Wrestlemania. The WWE still has plenty of time to have Flair go out in style and I have much faith in them (probably way too much) for a proper send-off.

Speaking of Wrestlemania…

I Missed the Part When It Stopped Being About Triple H

According to the Wrestling Observer, Wrestlemania is still up in the air! The proposed Triple H vs Batista match has been shelved and now Randy Orton vs Triple H is back on the cards for the Raw main event, although a three-way Randy Orton vs Triple H vs Batista bout has been discussed as well.

Smackdown's main event is still almost certainly going to be Edge vs The Undertaker and there is talk of using some special gimmick for it, possibly a Hell in the Cell to play off of the Survivor Series finish. However, since they are planning to use the Elimination Chamber for the No Way Out main event, they might not want to bring back the Cell again so soon afterwards.

One plan that is set in stone is the winner of the Royal Rumble getting an automatic WrestleMania title shot against his own brand's champion, with the other brand's main challengers then competing in the Elimination Chamber for the other spot.

Let's first start with the Smackdown main event. Barring any major injuries, Edge vs. the Undertaker is set and rightfully so. Both Edge and Taker deserve to be in the main event and it's a very fresh match (I can't recall an official one on one match between the two) worthy of a Wrestlemania build. The only change to this match I would have made was that Taker would be heading into Wrestlemania as champion (so his streak and title reign were both on the line).

The Raw side of the main event is still a mess (which is totally fine) thanks to the inclusion of a couple of fresh faces to the main event scene. While I don't expect Chris Jericho or Jeff Hardy to be anywhere near the main event at Wrestlemania, both have impacted the Raw main event scene. Hell, Hardy is featured on the No Way Out poster which should indicate his future in main events. Throw in the fact that injuries can happen at anytime and we shouldn't really bank on any proposed main events from the Raw side at this moment.

Then again, with Triple H losing to Jeff Hardy at Armaggedon, it makes sense that he is now back in the Wrestlemania picture. If Batista were to have faced Orton at the big show, Triple H/Randy Orton would have been a money match for the Rumble. So this change in the Wrestlemania picture does make sense.

Lastly, where's the ECW Title update? C'mon Meltzer, I need to know if CM Punk vs. Shelton Benjamin will be happening at Wrestlemania. Or is Big Daddy V will be getting a payday! These are the answers that are important. Not the never-ending Evolution circle-jerk main event.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

TNA Unscripted

Last week, a script from the January 3rd TNA Impact episode was found floating around the internet. While I missed out on the first go-around, thankfully, the link was put back into circulation. For those who have seen the Impact script, it's quite something ain't it? For those who haven't and really want to see it please let me know and I'll get it to you. I won't be posting the link here because I hate for the link to go dead.

Anyway, here are a couple of thoughts in regards to the manifest:

First, it's extremely detailed for a wrestling script. While I expected most of the promos to be written in, I'm shocked that every minute of wrestling is also scripted (most say "Wrestler A shuts down Wrestler B" or "Wrestler A shines on B"). Compared to the WWE script that was leaked two years ago, its way more detailed. With that said, nothing in the script is descriptive. Detailed? Yes, but not descriptive. As I already mentioned, almost every minute a wrestler is "shutting down" their opponent. You would think that maybe the script would mention signature moves or say even a finishing sequence!

Going along that last point, all interviews and promos sound the same regardless of who's speaking. The only person who has a promo that caters to their character is Black Machismo since he name drops the Mega Powers, Adonis, and Miss Elizabeth. If those names weren't mentioned, I have no idea who was speaking!

The show opens with PYRO and BALLYHOO! And no, I'm not making that up.

Lastly, did you know that Petey Williams and Chris Harris are FACES and Christian Cage is still a HEEL? No, well then you better read the script! And yes, Angle vs. Cage is a heel vs. heel PPV main event! Errr…

Oh TNA, you wonder why most smarks have started abandoning ship…


Best of 07 Awards

Ed. Note: I wish I could have thought of something clever for my Year-End Awards (the Small Awards just sounds lame).

Ed. Note 2: If you don't like my choices, please comment below. While I'm not an elitist, I do think I have better taste than you

Let's start with music…

Album of the Year

Overall, 2007 was a great year for rap music. In addition to releases from Lupe Fiasco and Kanye West, the rap scene was graced with such future superstars like Hurricane Chris ("A Bay Bay"), Shop Boyz ("Party Like a Rockstar"), and Soulja Boy Tell'em (like I even need to mention). Thank God for Fergie or else this year would have sucked.

Actually, thank God for Lil' Wayne. Seriously, if rappers made Fatheads, I would totally be ok with Lil' Wayne hanging on my wall. From his beautiful cameo on "We Takin Over" to singing the hook on "Duffle Bag Boy", it was a great year to be Weezy. But he didn't release an album, so fuck him, he ain't winning no award.

As far as rock music, man did this year suck! Outside of the new Modest Mouse and Radiohead, there's nothing else that is worth mentioning.

So Album of the Year? American Gangster by Jay-Z.

Song of the Year

Easy choice: "International Player's Anthem" – UGK feat. Outkast

If I had a Video of the Year, it would win that too.



Enough about music (this ain't Pitchfork), let's move onto movies!

Movie of the Year

Looking back at the movies I saw this past year and it's sad to say that overall, 2007 had a lot of good movies but few great ones. Granted, I probably missed a lot of the "Indie" movies that most people fill up their Top 10s with but I saw all the essentials (Resident Evil 3, Spiderman 3, Shrek 3 – basically anything with 3 at the end of it). Basically, it's a two horse race between Superbad and the Bourne Ultimatum. Superbad was easily the funniest movie of the year while I thought the Bourne Ultimatum was excellent (much better than its so-so predecessor). While both of these movies have already earned a spot on my DVD shelf (by other classics such as Snakes on a Plane and Pootie Tang), I must give the edge to… the Bourne Ultimatum.

Worst Movie of the Year

You know it would be too easy to pick on Norbit or even Epic Movie because I had known going in that these movies would be pretty shitty. The movies that really piss me off are the ones I have high expectations for… like Spiderman 3. Yes, Spiderman 3 is my pick for Worst Movie of the Year and rightfully so. From an embarrassing emo-Peter Parker montage to the Sandman being booked as a McMahon when he's not much of a character to having Venom puss out worse than Tazz against the Alliance, this movie pissed me off. And I'm not even a fan of the comics. I could frankly care less about what happened in the comics. Just give me a well-thought out movie not cram as many ideas into one movie as possible just because you can. Faggots.

Best WWE Movie of the Year

Well this one's easy this year. Any movie with dialogue such as:

Ian Breckel: Where do you live?
Jack Conrad: Alaska.
Ian Breckel: Where abouts in Alaska?
Jack Conrad: In a little fishing town, you probably heard of it, it's called Fuck Your Momma.

and

Ian Breckel: What were you doing in El Salvador?
Jack Conrad: Working on my tan.
Ian Breckel: Why did you blow the building up?
Jack Conrad: It was blocking my sun.

deserves a nod in my book.

Best WWE Movie of the Year: "The Condemned" starring Jodie Foster.

Let's see what else is there to talk about…

Television Show of the Year

This one's for you JP!



Show of the Year: 30 Rock

And finally a couple of Wrestling Awards!

Wrestler of the Year

After reading JD Dunn's Top 10 Matches of the Year, the best selection is quite obvious. No one put forth a year like John Cena who carried the Raw brand on its back for 10 months. Cena also pulled out miracles in PPV matches against the Great Khali and Lashley, which is no easy task. It's a shame that Cena went down with injury as a Cena/Batista Wrestlemania match could have been all the rage.

Most Disappointing Wrestler of the Year

CM PUNK!

Hear me out on this one. Once again, I have had High Expectations of CM Punk ever since he signed with WWE. While I completely understand that his moveset and character have to become WWE-ized, it doesn't excuse how offensively challenged CM Punk is in the ring. Look, I had no problems with his offense when he's competing in 3 minute squashes on ECW. However, outside of his match with John Morrison where he won the title, he has not looked impressive in his title reign. Sure I know working stiffs like Big Daddy V doesn't help but even against normal opponents (Morrison, Miz, MVP), he's nothing spectacular in the ring. And hey, before you flood my comments section with hate, notice this is not called "Worst Wrestler of the Year" because he's nowhere near that; it's "Most Disappointing" because I was expecting so much more out of him.

PPV of the Year

Well, astute readers should know that I haven't watched too many PPVs this past year especially after moving to Boston. My landlord has a pretty strict "No-PPV" which makes watching such classics as Unforgiven and Vengeance pretty tough to accomplish. So I'm left with two choices: Wrestlemania or the Royal Rumble. Considering I was at Wrestlemania, I think the choice is pretty obvious.

Note: I do plan on picking up Backlash, Survivor Series, and Armageddon in the near future.

And so ends my "Best of 07" retrospective. Overall, 2007 was quite a mixed bag. Everytime things were going right for the WWE (see Jan – March, Vince being blown up in a limo), something was thrown in their way (Benoit's murder/suicide, Kennedy fucking up many pushes, injuries, steroids, etc.). In the end, the company persevered and really that's all we can ask from them. At the end of the day, we are all just fans wanting to be entertained.

Goodbye 2007, you won't be missed.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

What will the future bring about in 2008? I guess we will just have to wait and see. But until next year...

Buy my panties!!!

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!