The Happy-Go-Sucky Wrestling Report 1.2.08: Smiley & Killings in WWE, Maria in Playboy, Lance Cade, Jonathan Coachman, & More

Posted by Dustin James on 01.02.2008

This isn't your daddy's Happy-Go-Sucky Wrestling Report!

Welcome to the Happy-Go-Sucky wrestling report! I know, I know I'm not Steve Sullivan! Steve is out right now doing what adults do, getting married! So a quick congratulations to Steve & his significant other! Who am I? Glad you asked! My name is Dustin James and I currently write in 411's MMA Zone! I rank MMA fighters as well as report MMA news for 411, so if you ever have a question or just want to talk a little mixed martial arts. Let me know!

My rankings are available here. Who knows. Maybe after February 1st, Brock Lesnar will crack my rankings for the first time? I've seen crazier stuff happen!

As for a little background on myself.....I have been a wrestling fan since 1990. My favorite time period in wrestling was early 90's WWF. Why? Maybe I'm a sucker for gimmicks, or maybe wrestling is better when you are 10? My current favorite wrestler is Carlito, because I don't care if the guy is unmotivated or whatever......spitting in people's faces is a GREAT gimmick that will never go old!

News: According to the Wrestling Observer, Norman Smiley & Ron Killings are close to signing deals with the WWE.

Happy: Well, the good side of this news is that we could possibly see Norman Smiley on WWE TV soon! That in itself is always a huge plus. Who doesn't want to see Norman Smiley dance all over the WWE's best competition? As for Ron Killings, the man is a good wrestler when he wants to be. He feels he wasn't being treated right in TNA so he decided to leave. He has been a member of the WWE roster before, with an unsuccessful stint as "K-Kwik" a rapper/wrestler who would try to woo the crowd with his break dancing moves.

I could see Norman Smiley heading over to Smackdown or give a veteran's hand in the running of ECW if he were to sign a contract with WWE. Killings on the other hand could still be used in a bigger capacity and if the WWE was feeling lucky, they already have the seeds planted for a potential Killings/John Cena feud. Remember the words these two guy's had for each other last year? Could be good times!

Sucky: The WWE could make this piece of news extremely sucky if they signed Norman Smiley to either a Legends contract or as a road agent instead of a wrestler. I'd prefer to see Smiley show off some of his skills for the newer WWE fans so they can see some of the goodness we got to see during the Monday's Night War's from Smiley! As for Ron Killings, it would be extremely shitty if the WWE decided to break the red overalls out from the wardrobe department and have Killings return as K-Kwik! Yuck.

News: WWE Diva Maria has mentioned that she would like to be the next WWE Diva to pose for Playboy.

Happy: I was going to make the "Happy" all in capital letters but SOMEBODY has to be the mature one here! I couldn't express how happy I'm that Maria wants to be in Playboy. I swear it took years off of my life when I read that Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler had no interest in being in Playboy. That was like telling Johnny that the family was just going to skip Christmas this year. You don't do that to somebody! At least now we can all look at CM Punk's girlfriend in the suit that God intended for her to wear! How can this news become even happier? How about adding Mickie James and making it the first ever Tag Team Diva Playboy shoot! Now THAT would sell!

Sucky: Shit, I should have thought about this part beforehand. How am I suppose to make a "sucky" out of the fact that Maria wants to be in Playboy? Well, I guess it is pretty shitty that it's NOT going to be a tag team shoot. I guess it's REALLY shitty that it's not Mickie James, and yes I'm aware that there are nude pics of Mickie James available. Ya, like I haven't seen those yet!!?!?! But either way, it's a sucky deal for CM Punk because now everybody gets to see Maria jam out with her clam out. Thanks to Doogie Howser for that snazzy little comment.

News: It was announced recently that Jonathan Coachman will replace JBL as color man for Smackdown.

Happy: I guess the only happy thing to come out of this news is the fact that JBL moved to RAW, and since I don't watch Smackdown I now get to see JBL on my TV screen on Monday nights! The JBL character has been one of my favorites for years and I still can't believe that Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw became WWE champ. It's surreal sometimes. Does that mean Uncle Zebekiah gets a nice little bonus check for bringing in Bradshaw? In other good news, this probably means it will be the last time we see Coach as a recurring character on RAW. Once again, not exactly something I'm sad about as I enjoyed Coach when he first turned heel, but I feel he has grown stale....especially the last year or so.

Sucky: The sucky thing is simple.......Coach is no where near as good on the mic as JBL was. JBL was such a good color man on Smackdown that he won the 411 Announcer of the Year award for 2007! And then he decides to jump back in the ring as an active wrestler! Talk about getting bitten by the bug. For awhile the only reason I would tape Smackdown at all was to listen to JBL's commentary especially when the Miz was wrestling. Now? Hell no! If I watch Smackdown at all, I'd prefer to have Michael Cole and Coach on mute and let my 5 year nephew with down syndrome do play by play. Why? Because I'm an ass!

News: Chris Jericho recently announced that during his hiatus he never once considered going to TNA, and considers himself "WWE For Life".

Happy: This is really good news for Chris Jericho/WWE fans. Some fans were worried when Jericho originally took his hiatus that he might jump to TNA to be with some of his friends (Christian). But apparently, we were wrong. Jericho is loyal to the WWE as they have been extremely good to him, minus a few phantom title switches. Chris Jericho remains one of the most current popular and talented WWE stars and really had the chance to put a big "fuck you" on Vince McMahon and the WWE by jumping to TNA. It would have meant that TNA was 75% away from completing their plan of stealing all the WWE's main eventers from 2002.

Sucky: This is really only sucky news for Chris Jericho/TNA fans. Jericho was basically getting TNA fans all giddy saying "C Jericho wants 2 come 2 TNA not WWE beecuz TNA R00LZ!!!!". Now TNA fan has to eat his words as Jericho revealed that everything he did to tease TNA fans (banner on website, etc) was just a ploy to get wrestling fans interested in what it was he was doing. This also is a nice little pot shot at TNA because this is something that never would have happened back during the Monday Night Wars. If a really popular WCW/WWF star took some time off, the competing federation would throw the bank at the superstar to see what kind of reaction they could get. Man, I miss those days.

News: Lance Cade recently suffered a separated shoulder and could miss up to 4-6 weeks.

Happy: There is nothing ever happy about an injury. Unless your name is Trevor Murdoch! Trevor needs to take this time to show off some of his skills that he was born with. He needs to show WWE fan that he has the technical prowess of a Bret Hart, the high flying skills of Rey Mysterio, and the charisma of The Rock. It's time to be the champion that I know you can be Trevor! It's time to show the World that you have what it takes to be the next poster boy of the WWE! You need to show the World that you can be on "Muscle & Fitness" magazine as well! It's your time Trevor, don't mess it up!

Sucky: Obviously everything about this news is sucky.....as you can tell from my little rant above. I loved the team of Murdoch/Cade. True, the last couple of weeks hasn't exactly been the best couple of weeks for the redneck team, but they have had their moments! No other team has been featured on RAW as much as Cade/Murdoch the last few years....excluding DX of course. It's just a really shitty deal for the WWE Tag Team Division as I feel that Lance Cade is one of the most talented guys on the RAW roster, he just hasn't had the capacity to show it off. Here's to a speedy recovery Lance, and hopefully you and Trevor can get those tag team belts back really soon!

News: Lacey Adkisson aka Lacey Von Erich has been released by the WWE.

Happy: The happy news coming out of this release is that apparently she was in way over her head. She had zero wrestling training before she signed her WWE developmental deal and she just wasn't getting it. It's good news to hear that instead of just rushing her out because she's another pretty face, that the WWE decided to not let the poor girl go out and embarrass herself with a poor performance. Sometimes there are just certain jobs that certain people can not do and maybe wrestling just wasn't it for Lacey Adkisson. Hell, she could have just done what her father did during his WWF career, which is throw 1,030,393,294 punches.

Seriously, watch tapes of the Texas Tornado's WWF stint and laugh as he does nothing but throw punches. It's almost comical!

Sucky: The only sucky thing is she WAS GORGEOUS. I'm not joking. If you have never seen Lacey Adkisson then I would suggest googling a photo of her, or just reading Csonka's latest "Your News, My Views" as he has a picture of her on there and all I can say is "mmm mmm good". It's too bad we will never see her in a WWE ring because my friends, it would have been sweet. Hell, at least maybe we could have gotten another "Jackie Gayda/Trish Stratus" moment! We can never have enough of those!

And that's it for me! It was fun filling in for the newlywed! Like I said, you can catch me in 411's MMA Zone or you can visit me on myspace.