The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 01.03.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 01.03.2008

Math Rules!!!

It's true, it's true.


Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!





Welcome back to what I feel will be the best edition of the Small-For-All so far this year! While 2007 surely wasn't the year many of us wanted, it always good to feel that we all can start anew in 2008. Heck even Samoa Joe might win a TNA Championship this year. God, I'm quite an optimist.

However, certain things will still be status quo in 2008. For one, I still think Slimmer is a piece of crap... You know, I bet you all are sick and tired about me berating Slimmer. Fine then. My New Year's Resolution is to never make fun of Slimmer again. How's that? Over/under's on two weeks.

As for the world of wrestling, I'll be honest, I don't really have too much to talk about. The WWE roster has been on vacation for the last two weeks which deprives us of reading stories about JBL soaping the insides of a rookie's anus. Yes, a cheap attempt at a joke but it's better than reading another Macho Man slept with Steph McMahon joke (which has been all the rage this week). As much as we all know Steph snapped it like a slim jim, there's no reason to go there. None whatsoever.

So in today's edition, we look at ageism in the WWE, laugh at TNA's pathetic buyrates in the course of shunning their upcoming PPV on Sunday (take that buyrates!), and most importantly, spend a lot of time talking about nothing. Yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Which is why y'all be stuck with me for many more years.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Sexism? Yes. Racism? Of Course. Ageism?

Note: Everything you read below in this section came from a message board. I have not done the following study nor have any interest in doing a follow-up. It's merely meant for discussion.

The following is a breakdown of the WWE roster from oldest wrestler to youngest (in terms of years).

Ric Flair 58
Hacksaw Jim Duggan 54
Dave Taylor 50
Finlay 49
Hardcore Holly 44
Boogeyman 43
Undertaker 42
Shawn Michaels 42
JBL 41
Kane 40
William Regal 39
Funaki 39
Triple H 38
Batista 38
Chris Jericho 37
Chavo Guerrero 37
Snitsky 37
Mark Henry 36
Chuck Palumbo 36
Deuce 36
Val Venis 36
Tommy Dreamer 36
Stevie Richards 36
Big Daddy V 35
The Great Khali 35
Nunzio 35
Balls Mahoney 35
Charlie Haas 35
Edge 34
MVP 34
Umaga 34
Super Crazy 34
Rey Mysterio 33
Matt Hardy 33
Matt Stryker 33
Gregory Helms 33
Santino Marella 33
Shelton Benjamin 32
Mr. Kennedy 31
Jamie Noble 31
Bobby Lashley 31
John Cena 30
Jeff Hardy 30
Kevin Thorn 30
Elijah Burke 29
CM Punk 29
Mike Knox 29
John Hennigan 28
Brian Kendrick 28
Jesse 28
Carlito 28
Shannon Moore 28
Domino 28
Randy Orton 27
The Miz 27
Paul London 27
Trevor Murdoch 27
Lance Cade 27
Jimmy Wang Yang 26
Festus 24
Cody Rhodes 22
Kenny Dykstra 22
Curt Hawkins 22
Zack Ryder 22
DH Smith 22

Using my awesome statistics skillz (math rules!), I discovered that the average age of a WWE wrestler is 33. I bolded all of the wrestlers' names who are 33 in order to divide the young from the old.

A couple of key takeaways:

Who would have thought these superstars were this young: Festus (24), Big Daddy V (35), and Jaime Noble (31)?

Likewise, I'm shocked that Deuce (36) is eight years older than Domino (28). I also guess jail time has kept MVP looking young.

Finally, if you were to go and remove Ric Flair from the study (since he's retiring soon anyway), the entire average age falls one year. The same would apply to Hacksaw Jim Duggan (why is he still wrestling anyway).

In summary, if you are in your late 20s and still aspire to become a wrestler, you still have plenty of time! And for those of you who now feel old after reading this list, chances are you are old.

Who Says Winning is for Losers?

According to the Wrestling Observer, "the most number of TV wins this year in WWE was C.M. Punk with 48 followed by Jeff Hardy with 44. Bobby Lashley and HHH would have been top ten except they were both injured much of the year. Most tag wins were The Highlanders with 16, to Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch with 15."

Wow, I knew Punk won a lot this year but I would have never believed he would average just under one win a week. Considering he also played Johnny Nitro's bitch the entire summer, you wouldn't think he would have compiled as many wins as he had. Regardless, win/losses don't really matter much anymore. Case in point: Jon Heidenreich was a whopping 26-5-1 before he got canned in 2005. You are right in assuming I knew that stat off the top of my head. I was one of Heidenreich's loyal friends!

As for the tag team wins, Meltzer must be counting Heat appearances because there's no way that the Highlanders were on Raw for 16 weeks this year. Heck, the only wins I can remember the team having on Monday night were against London and Kendrick after their heel turn in September (which set the world ablaze).

If you all would like to make a prediction in my comments section below about who will amass the most wins in 2008, I would love it. Here's hoping you all don't put Triple H.

Fun With WWE Pictures

From the 411 Forums (thanks CM Skittle):



No Wonder He Busted Out the Crossface at Survivor Series

Quick N Dirty WWE News

Oh man, is there anything of note to talk about this week? Nope.

From all the usual sources:

The Royal Rumble will be broadcast in HD for a measly $49.99. Of course, for all your rabbit-loving antenna freaks, the $39.99 show will still be available. The following night Monday Night Raw will come to you live in HD!

Personally, I'm very excited to be able to watch WWE programming in HD. While I would not spend an additional $10 to watch a 3 hour PPV (which I can't order anyway – for those wondering I don't pay my cable bill so I don't bitch and moan about no PPV), I am now more inclined to go visit my local watering hole to watch the show in all its HD glory.

Maria might/might not be posing in Playboy

I'm torn on this one. For as much as I would love to see Maria naked, part of her appeal is the fact that you haven't seen her titties. Plus, it would take the dumb Maria character away from us for good.

Torrie Wilson and boyfriend MITCH have opened a clothing store in the Woodlands, TX. The store entitled "Jaded" can be found at www.officiallyjaded.com

Now for this tidbit, I did a little research on the website. Lo and behold I was very disappointed in what I found as the website is, like Torrie, nothing more than bare bones. At least show pictures of the clothes the store offers!

The Smackdown announce team will now be comprised of Michael Cole and the Coach.

Am I the only one who supports this decision? If you were to ever watch Heat, the Coach did a passable job as the color commentator alongside Todd Grisham. At least wait until Smackdown airs before you past judgment on Coach's job. Now if I could have replaced Coach with anyone else, I really wish Booker T was still on the roster as he would be awesome as a color commentator.

Man, I like Coach as the new announcer and would rather not see Maria in Playboy? A queer I am.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

TNA No BUYSrate (CSONKA ©)

I'm pretty upset that I wasn't the first to talk about this. Oh well…

From the Wrestling Observer, here are a list of the buyrates for TNA in the last year:

60,000 for (2006) Genesis (Joe vs. Angle)
35,000 for (2006) Turning Point (Joe vs. Angle)
34,000 for Final Resolution (Joe vs. Angle III and Christian/Sting/Abyss)
23,000 for Against All Odds (Angle vs. Cage)
36,000 for Destination X (Joe vs. Cage)
35,000 for Lockdown (Team Angle vs. Team Cage)
21,000 for Sacrifice (Angle vs. Sting vs. Cage)
22,000 for Slammiversary (King of the Mountain)
15,000 for Victory Road (Joe and Angle vs. Team 3D)
26,000 for Hard Justice (Joe vs. Angle)
17,000 for No Surrender (Angle vs. Abyss)
36,000 for Bound For Glory (Sting vs. Angle)
27,000 for Genesis (Sting and Booker T vs. Angle and Nash)

Using my awesome statistics skills (math rules!), the average buyrate is around 27,000 which is quite low compared to anything else on the market.

Compared to the WWE:

December to Dismember, the lowest WWE PPV buyrate of all-time, did 90,000 buys. Granted, you can throw in the whole domestic vs. international argument but even if only 70% of those buys were domestic, it still would top the highest grossing TNA show. Hell, the Girls Gone Wild PPV that was hosted by Test and Torrie Wilson outdrew any TNA PPV!

Wrestlemania 23 did 780,000 domestic buys this past year. So far for this year, the 10 TNA PPVs together have only done 292,000 buys. If you would like to compare this to a single WWE PPV, feel free to look over my most inclusive list here .

Okay, comparing TNA to the WWE is still quite unfair. The next example should even things up.

Compared to WCW:

WCW's final PPV, Greed, drew 40,000 buys which would top any TNA 2007 show. And this was from a dying company whose final show ended with a DDP match!

But Jeff, TNA is still nowhere near the level that WCW was. Fine then, let's compare it to something else.

Compared to ECW:

Actually, ECW's last 7 PPVs averaged around 90,000 buys which is quite amazing considering that the show had a worse 1 hour timeslot on Spike TV (before the WWE put the station on the map) and only two/three matches on each card was announced before the show.

Still think I'm being harsh? Let's finally compare it to itself.

Compared to TNA:

Larry was 100% correct in his assessment of these numbers in his news report. The company was on the up and up last year before watching the numbers plummet. And sadly, the company hasn't done anything to shake up their stagnant product as Kurt Angle (who's headlined all but one PPV since he joined the company) is still on top. Now, I'm not saying not to keep Angle in the main event scene but I think it's time to try someone new for a few months. The sad thing is the company probably believes that Angle/Jarrett is their biggest "dream match" and probably will keep Angle at the top until Jarrett returns.

But hey, you the reader can help turn TNA around. The company has their first 2008 PPV this coming Sunday which features such matches as:

* Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage for the TNA Title
* AJ Styles & Tomko vs. Samoa Joe & Kevin Nash for the TNA Tag Team Titles
* Booker T & Sharmell vs. Robert Roode & Ms. Brooks
* Jay Lethal & The Motor City Machineguns vs. Team 3D & Johnny Devine in an Ultimate X Match
* Gail Kim vs. Awesome Kong for the TNA Women's Title in a No DQ Match
* Kaz vs. Black Reign
* Abyss vs. Judas Mesias
* LAX vs. Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave
* AJ Styles chooses between Kurt Angle & Christian Cage

And of course since 90% of you won't be ordering the PPV, 411 will have full coverage starting at 8pm on Sunday!


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Oh man, I think I got carried away today. Here's hoping we have some actual wrestling news to speak about next week. Then again…

Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!