The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 01.10.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 01.10.2008

I Have No Idea What I’m Talking About…

Note: I've been trying to use this teaser for weeks. Finally, it works.

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!





Welcome back to another rousing edition of the Small-For-All News Report, the #1 wrestling news report among female readers aged 62-89. And if you don't believe me, I dare you to go ask an old lady. Seriously, what other news reporter would old ladies read? Surely not Meehan.

Ah and if you think I should be nicer to my fellow 411 brethren, wait until next week as I count down the Top 50 IWC Writers. Intrigued? You should be. Even though I haven't picked my #1 yet (I'm still waiting for Randle to bribe me), I bet you will be surprised with some of my inclusions.

With that ready to go next week, I bet you are wondering why you should be reading this today. And really, that's a damn good question. Even though we are two weeks away from the Royal Rumble, sadly there hasn't been much news over the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure if we should blame Cloverfield (that monster is gonna destroy New York City!) or Triple H. How about this? I'll blame HHH and you blame CSONKA. Okay?

Before I start, I'd be remiss in not mentioning my official two year news report anniversary (which was January 8th). I have to say it's been a great 80 news reports! But Jeff, shouldn't you be at 104? Silly peasants, I need my vacations.

Speaking of vacations, next week's report will be so chock full o' goodness (the Top 50 list and a possible Small & JP Do ROH Report) that I shall need an extra week to recover. Don't all hate me at once.

As for this week, yawn…


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Fun with WWE Magazine

With no major news stories this week (I can safely report that all lat machines nationwide are still working fine), leave it up to Small to find something neat to talk about. Weeks upon weeks, I steal from the popular dirtsheets (Meltzer, Alvarez, the idiots at PWInsider) to give you the news that you really don't need. Well, this week, I'm taking a sabbatical from the dirtsheets to offer you 100% unbiased news reporting. And what better way to start than with the ultimate WWE magazine: WWE Magazine!!!

In the Raw 15th Anniversary Magazine, the writers had a lot of fun mocking others in the form of lists. Don't believe me, let's go exploring. Note: my comments are in italics)

15 Superstars Who Overstayed Their Welcomes

15. Too Cool (Scotty Too Hotty and 'Grand Master Sexay' Brian Christopher)
14. The Patriot ( But the full nelson was a badass finisher )
13. Terri Runnels ( yeah, she stayed way too long but at least she wore thongs )
12. Muhammad Hassan ( Hassan doesn't deserve to be here. He just got caught up in a bad situation )
11. Clarence Mason ( Racism, I say! )
10. Joey Abs
09. Joey Mercury ( Now that's just mean )
08. New Age Outlaws (Billy Gunn and Road Dogg) ( How dare you disrespect VKM? )
07. Test
06. Maven ( Now I liked Maven so I disagree with this choice. )
05. Debra ( PUPPIES! Then again, Austin thought she overstayed her welcome too )
04. Tiger Ali Singh
03. Christy Hemme
02. The Headbangers (Mosh and Thrasher) ( Beaver Cleavage was worse )
01. Scott Steiner

Now, while the list has its valid moments (Joey Abs, the Patriot, Tiger Ali Singh), I don't agree with everything. Case in point: if you are going to include Scott Steiner, Test should be no more than 2 spots away. By having Test at only 7 is a disgrace to the writers whose brainchild was the eight month Test/Scott Steiner feud.

Second, I don't understand why Too Cool was called out and not an inferior tag team like Lo Down, Truth Commission, the Spirit Squad (well I guess they don't want to bury their current roster), or even DOA. Hell, Kronik lasted a month and that was fucking painful!

Now I understand that the WWE writers wanted to bury many of their wrestlers that moved onto TNA, but I didn't think Christy Hemme was that bad. Hell, many people were up in arms when she was released during her run as Heidenreich's friend. Speaking of which, why isn't he (and many others *coughMeatcough*) on the list?

Regardless, there's enough Wrestlecrap that that particular list could have gone on forever. Luckily, it didn't as we have much more important lists to talk about.

15 Reasons Nitro Failed: Nothing compares to these shameful people and moments.

15. Tony Schiavone ( Greatest Announcer Ever )
14. nWo 2000
13. Anti-American Jim Duggan ( Yeah it was dumb, but c'mon, WCW was already done at this point )
12. Chavo Guerrero & Pepe ( Pepe fucking rocked )
11. Vince Russo in the Pope Mobile ( Don't remember, don't care )
10. Matches in the Mall of America
09. Finger Poke of Doom ( This should be much higher. )
08. The Magnificent Seven ( Again something stupid, but the WWE went on to hire four of the seven members (Flair, Bagwell, Steiner, and Animal) )
07. "Crazy" Ric Flair ( I agree completely )
06. New Blood vs. The Millionaires ( I can see it's place as this was probably WCW's last chance at getting itself on the map. )
05. Steve "Mongo" McMichael (Ha.)
04. Disco Inferno ( Double Ha )
03. One Warrior Nation ( Sadly, it has only gotten worse for the Warrior )
02. Misfits in Action ( I don't think this was #2 bad, but it was quite stupid. Then again, almost everything in 1999/2000 was quite retarded)
01. David Arquette (Didn't his title win happen on Thunder? )

Okay, where's the Hummer storyline? Talk about killing a hot angle dead immediately. Overall, this list was pretty good as the majority of WCW is angles/characters I never want to remember again.

Lastly, the WWE did their own "Best of" list which I won't quote here. Not because there aren't some "shocking" choices (seriously WOTY Batista?), but rather, I think I spent enough time on WWE Magazine. Back to the dirtsheets I go.

Now If Only He Gave Up Those Chinlocks

According to the Wrestling Observer, "A lot of people are looking at Randy Orton as a locker-room hero. Basically, he's the one guy who will stand up to guys like Triple H & Shawn Michaels.

For example, during the Iraq show, Umaga was getting new tights made, and the seamstress said he couldn't use certain colors because they were "Hunter's colors." Umaga insisted anyways. When Shawn Michaels saw the tights, he threw a fit (think about that for a second... a 40 year old man throwing a hissy fit over someone else's pants). Orton, then stood up for Umaga, in front of everyone.

Orton has the sense that he has enough power at this point that he CAN stand up to Hunter, and people backstage respect him for it. "

Man, I miss the days of Orton shitting in Diva's bags because they wouldn't make out with him. Clearly, marriage has matured Orton as he's gone from being under Triple H's watch on the Raw roster to being the locker-room hero on the Raw brand. If the above scenario is true then kudos to Orton. Orton, like Cena, represents the new Generation of professional wrestlers (those that did not have to work years of indies or other companies before getting their break) and his opinions will be very valuable to locker room morale in the future once the old-timers (HHH, HBK, Taker) hang up their boots.

I'd also like to point out how hysterical it must have been to watch HBK complain about Umaga's pants.

American GladHeAteHer: Starring Val Venis!

I must admit it: I love the new American Gladiators show. So much so that I bumped the thread in the 411 Forums and have gotten my roommates addicted to the show. Just like the original, it's so cheesy that I love it. Throw in the fact that Crush is hot, the Eliminator is bad-ass, and many of the gladiators have wrestling connections, and the show is a winner in my eyes. Yes, many of the gladiators have wrestling connections. Don't believe me, here's a comprehensive list (from LoP)!

Justice, of course, finished in Third Place in the last Tough Enough losing to Daniel Puder and the Miz.

Wolf was known as Hollywood in UPW (home of John Cena and Samoa Joe). In fact, his UPW profile page is still intact. You can view it here

Toa not only is the brother of Dave Navarro but also a cousin of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. In fact, he has gotten work as The Rock's stunt double in The Game Plan, Gridiron Gang, Doom, Walking Tall, the Rundown and the Scorpion King. Thankfully, he had enough common sense not to sign up for Southland Tales.

Lastly, Titan is the ex-husband of ex-hoochie Midajah. Okay, that one's a stretch.

And there could have been more. The Gymini, Daniel Puder, and ROH's Matt Cross all tried out as potential gladiators and failed. I wonder why Rico didn't try out.

You Mean Hornswoggle/Khali Didn't Put Asses in Seats

According to the main page, "WWE Survivor Series did about 340,000 buys in 2007, way down from 395,000 buys in 2006 and 405,000 buys in 2005."

I was almost going to not even mention the buyrate but since we spent so much time talking about TNA's numbers, it would be hypocritical of me not to mention it. There's no way around it: the Survivor Series buyrate is disappointing. Considering there was a Hell in the Cell match on the card along with the blow-off to Orton/HBK and a Survivor Series Traditional match and it's surprising that the buyrate did not pass 400,000 buys. While I don't have the answers as to why the buyrate was down, I do have a hypothesis. People were not thrilled with buying a PPV where both title matches were rematches from the prior event (Cyber Sunday). While Taker/Batista had the novelty of a Hell in the Cell match, the two men had fought four previous times in the course of 6 months. HBK/Orton fought at Cyber Sunday (which was also down in 07) and the stipulation added to the match at Survivor Series, on paper, was not that appealing. It turned out that the stipulation greatly added to the match, but who knew in advance.

Once the Armaggedon buyrate is released, I'll update my comprehensive list of WWE buyrates.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

We Are All On Drugs

From the main page, "TNA's Terry Taylor told the wrestlers prior to the Final Resolution PPV tonight that TNA will institute drug testing at the 1/21-1/22 Impact tapings in Orlando, FL. These will likely be baseline tests to determine levels of use for steroids, painkillers, and illegal narcotics. No word yet on punishments."

While some wrestlers might be quite paranoid between now and the next set of tapings, this is the first step in the right direction for TNA. Steroid use is still too rampant in professional wrestling so having parameters in place will only help. Then again, if TNA does not add serious punishments than this is all for naught. Here's hoping that the end of the month will begin TNA"s path of help cleaning up professional wrestling. (I know, I'm way too optimistic here.)

Forget Maria in Playboy. We Have Shelly in Porno!

According to Figure 4 Weekly, "TNA Knockout Shelly Martinez will be in attendance at the 2008 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas this Friday and Saturday at noon. She will be there signing autographs with director Jewel De'Nyle, who produced a soon-to-be-released solo adult film on her this past fall."

Oh man, it's a solo film. I bet the storyline and acting sucks.

Poor Gail Kim

According to PWInsider, "TNA Women's Champion Gail Kim suffered a leg injury of some sort in her match with Awesome Kong this past Sunday. She is scheduled to take some time off soon to recover. No word yet on how long she will be out."

Perhaps this is the reason that TNA rushed a Gail Kim/Awesome Kong rematch. If this was the case, then it's a perfectly acceptable reason to push the match up from Against All Odds. Unlike MVP/Matt Hardy, I'm not sure if the women's match had the same legs.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Well there's a good chance that on Friday, JP and I will be attending the ROH show in Boston. If that's the case, expect a recap of the show in next week's Small-For-All. Considering I've never watched a single ROH match, it shall be quite a wake up call for me. Good thing my Chain Gang t-shirt was washed over the weekend.

Throw in the fact that I will also count down the Top 50 IWC Writers of 2007 and we should have a nice news report next week. Until then…

Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!