The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 01.17.08

And One To Start With…

From a commenter on Larry’s Your News, My Views: 1.08.08 , “The funniest thing about Csonka is that he is the Triple H of 411. He books this shit for himself. He admits to “running” the site (he doesn’t, it’s a lie) and he also writes the most for the site. He must have upwards of 6 columns a week plus the podcasts no one listens to. That’s something everyday. Superior writers like Small and Meehan stay fresh while Larry’s 2003 views are stale, boring and antiquated.”

So what does this superior writer think about Larry’s “2003 views”? Find out below.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting….

Yes, yes….

WHAMMY!!!!!!!

Eh, Let’s Read Another…

From Joe, my favorite guest of the Small-For-All, “Your arrogance is just as bad, if not worse, than Larry’s. I know, you will say that the list is only your opinion and dont read if I dont like it, blah blah blah. But think about it, you must really reek of arrogance to put together a list of top 50 and think people will look at it with importance. All I know is if you’re in the top 20 we riot.”

You better go get your riot gear!

Last One. I’m sorry it’s addictive!

From DX, “let me guess? You’re going to name yourself the greatest IWC writer,arn’t you? Just like Vince named himself the greatest Raw superstar!”

If only it was that easy!

Well after wasting a full page o’ nonsense, I guess it’s time to start this shindig.

Welcome all to another edition of the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, the only news report that delves into the past lives of American Gladiators contestants. You’d never see JP talk about pornography in his news report. Speaking of JP, thanks for no-showing at the ROH event! It’s bad enough people were not fans of my Triple H “Conqueror” T-shirt, but to go to a wrestling show alone is pretty pathetic.

Actually, I’m not that pissed off at JP and no, I didn’t attend the show. I found it pretty hard to convince my roommates to pay money to watch some guy named Necro Butcher bleed all over a gymnasium. If it were the Great Khali chopping the shit out of jobbers in a gymnasium, then I probably could have convinced them.

Anyway, we have loads to talk about so I shouldn’t waste too much more of your time. So let’s get rolling with our biggest load of the week…

I was RRRRIGHT about American GladHeAteHer!

It seems as if bulls aren’t the only thing this past week’s contestant Belinda Gavin likes to ride! According to a bunch of blogz, between visits to see her mother, Belinda spends her days actressing. But not any kind of actressing! According to her IMDB page, Belinda has appeared in such Oscar-worthy material including:

playing Calamity Jane in Bikini Round Up (haven’t seen the movie, loved the book)

playing Anne in Countess Dracula’s Orgy of Blood (featuring the Woodland Critters)

working very hard in Bikini Airlines (I bet it’s still better than Soul Plane).

appearing in Bikini Chain Gang (she’s a bad bad woman)

So yes, Belinda’s done plenty of softcore porn. It’s just a shame that she didn’t mention it on American Gladiators. At least she could have tried to get it on with Crush. That said, the other contestant was hotter anyway.

News from Titan Towers

Snitsky on Raw, Sex on ECW, and _______ on Smackdown

Hey, I don’t know what’s happening on Smackdown this week. It appears as if some English asshole submitted fake spoilers at a variety of websites (silly lackey).

Of course, the big news this week is starting Monday night, WWE programming will be broadcast in High Definition. With analog televisions becoming extinct in Feb 2009, it was only a matter of time before sports entertainment would go HD. Surprisingly, the WWE is embracing this technology in a variety of ways. From their Corporate page, “The $20 million HD renovations included refitting of equipment to broadcast WWE programming and global pay-per-view programming in high definition on cable and satellite systems around the world. The WWE also worked with NEP Supershooters to build two new state-of-the-art production trucks, and will lease a custom transmission truck designed for HD transmission. WWE built new sets for RAW and SmackDown for their HD debuts.”

Now if only the WWE broadcasted in Dolby Surround Sound. Then Jillian’s singing would be a true thing of horror! As for the new sets, I would not be surprised if they are similar to the old designs just with new trons that will also broadcast in HD (aka HD entrance videos).

Since you fans are truly astute in the world of sports entertainment, feel free to add to this list below. Below are a few items that I bet we will see before the end of the first week of HD programming:

Snitsky in true glory, HD Khali, the thickness of Mickie James, the return of Mr. McMahon’s “Kiss My Ass” club, HBK’s bald spot, Chavo vs. Punk Part 12, and at least a 125% rise in blown spots.

The Return of the Mack

Oh I wish! Actually, it appears as if three wrestlers are ready to return to the newly high-def WWE including Bobby Lashley, Candice Michelle, and the Big Show! While Lashley and Michelle are coming back from injuries, it’s much different for the Big Show. Seeing as his venture in the world of boxing did not work out for him, it’s back to his slave name in the WWE. Even though there’s a good chance that either the Big Show or Bobby Lashley will be Triple H’s mystery opponent next week on Raw, there’s an even better chance that both will make an appearance in the Royal Rumble. From my experiences, the Garden loves the Big Show so his return should definitely be kept for the Rumble. As for Candice Michelle, she will be returning from that botched top rope spot and looks to continue her feud with Beth Phoenix. Don’t complain, it’s much better than Maria/Beth Phoenix.

New Gimmick Alert! New Gimmick Alert!

And this one’s a doozy. Note: the following is an uncredited piece of news info. Chances are it’s just as accurate as if it had a credit.

It’s not uncommon for the WWE to base characters off of movies. Eugene was clearly based off of “Rain Man”, Triple H wishes he was “Conan the Barbarian”, John Cena’s movie characters are just as invincible as his real-life persona, and of course, Chris Benoit’s favorite movie was “House of the Dead.” To read more attempts at forced humor, Bayani’s Truth B Told will be posted in the afternoon!

Uh where was I? That’s right, it seems as if Paul Birchill must be stuck with a movie gimmick in order to appear on telelvision. According to this “source,” Birchill and his valet Katie Lea will play characters inspired by the movie “Cruel Intentions.” Yup a brother/sister pair with overt sexual overtones! Thankfully, this gimmick will start in OVW to see if it has enough legs for the WWE. And if it doesn’t you can be damn sure that they will try. God Bless the WWE.

Speaking of movies…

In a World Without STFUs…

From the main page, “WWE’s next film project, titled 12 Rounds, will begin shooting in New Orleans on 2/25. The film will star John Cena. Cena will play Detective Danny Baxter. During Mardi Gras, a criminal mastermind Miles Jackson III kidnaps Baxter’s girlfriend Janine and orders Danny to participate in a battle of wits that lasts twelve rounds. Renny Harlin (Die Hard 2) will direct.”

Note to aspiring actresses (including you, Belinda): never sign up to be John Cena’s girlfriend.

There can only be one…

According to the Wrestling Observer, “Michael Hayes and Pat Patterson had a meeting on January 2nd to finalize the 30-competitors for the Royal Rumble. They also finalized the order of elimination and high spots for the match. They had a follow up meeting with Vince McMahon the next day, and Vince gave the OK on most of the plans.”

Now this is good news as Patterson has been the brains behind the Royal Rumble. Sure there have been missteps (2006 for instance), but most Rumbles are solid. I remember back in 2004 when Patterson left the company, we all thought that the 2005 Rumble would suffer. Of course, if I remember correctly, it was actually well booked. Perhaps Patterson’s not needed.

Batista: Above the Law

From the main page, “Batista was apparently pulled over by a fake police officer in Canton, Ohio on January 5th. The man pulled Batista over using a red flashing light on his car. Batista was immediately suspicious because the man did not have a badge or other proper police equipment. He called police as he drove away and later met up with officers to provide them more information. The man, however, was not caught.”

If only the fake police offer pulled over this man…

What a truly bizarre story.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

The Muppets Take Japan

TNA fans, tomorrow night is just for you as TNA will be broadcasting 3 hours of Impact on Spike TV. After the usual 2 hour block, TNA will show a one hour “Global Impact” special featuring the entire Kurt Angle vs. Yuji Nagata match along with skits involving TNA superstars in Japan. Here’s hoping they don’t mess this one up.

The Muppets Take Manhattan

From the main page, “TNA is set to make its New York City debut at Webster Hall in Manhattan on 2/21. Tickets go on sale on 1/18 at websterhall.com. The card is below.

– Kurt Angle vs. Booker T for the TNA Title
– The Motor City Machineguns vs. Team 3D
– Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles
– Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt for the TNA X-Division Title
– James Storm vs. Eric Young
– LAX vs. Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave “

Am I the only one surprised not to see Christian Cage on this card? Considering he’s been TNA’s MVP over the past year, it’s shocking not to see him in a high profile match. Regardless, it will be interesting to see how large and what type of crowd the show will be able to draw. Considering it’s the day before a weekend NYC ROH two-show, I wonder how many ROH fans will come to the show. That said, it should be a good/great show as usually TNA’s in-ring action doesn’t falter (just their booking). And thankfully at house shows, it’s all about the wrestling!

Better Late than Never

From the Wrestling Observer, “Samoa Joe is currently being groomed for the TNA World Title. They are working on the right timing for Angle to drop the title, which is why they have been holding off on singles title matches for Joe.”

Has TNA missed the boat with Samoa Joe? I know many people will say “Yes” as he’s currently not nearly as over as he was when he was choking bitches out in the X-Division. Throw in a lackluster response to his new crybaby gimmick and it doesn’t look as if TNA is doing much to groom Joe. On the other hand, there does not have to be an expiration date for a wrestler in the main event. It’s very easy for TNA to officially ready Joe for the TNA World Title. With the right storyline and a couple of crucial wins, Joe can still be a main eventer for the company. TNA just needs to keep Karen Angle away from him.

Main Feature: Top 50 IWC Writers of 2007!

In order for a writer to qualify for this list, he/she must have written at least one wrestling news report/column in the year 2007. In addition, a writer is being judged on their piece of work for just this year. And how do I judge this? Easy, it’s all subjective baby.

But then I realized there’s no way for me to rank 50 of the best IWC writers. Hell, I probably couldn’t even name 50 of them. So with that said, I’ve done a little bit of modifications and this is what I got:

Small’s Favorite Writers of 2007

1. Small

Ha ha ha. I fooled you all. I said I wasn’t going to do it. But I did it! BURNED!

Here’s my list:

1. J.D Dunn (411) – There’s no better recapper on the intranet.
2. Randle (411) – The Royal Rumble recaps and his faux interviews with Larry really boosted Randle’s stock this year. The sky’s the limit for this Canadian.
3. Lance Storm (his own damn website) – I only wish Storm’s ideas for the WWE/ECW/TNA were actually put into place from time to time. Storm would be a great Creative member if he actually cared to do so (which I don’ t think he does).
4. Dan Wahlers (Wrestling Observer) – Dude writes a very nice weekly column on a site that’s overshadowed by the big boss.
5. Meehan (411) – From “feuding” with Test to just being so darn positive, the Veronica’s Closet to my Seinfeld is always a good read.
6. Meltzer (Wrestling Observer) – Meltzer would be higher if he had better grammar. In all seriousness, he is the go-to guy in the IWC and sported a snazzy hair-do when feuding with ex-wrestlers on Fox News.
7. JR (WWE) – While not as insightful as it once was (when he was the Head of Talent Relations), I still go out of my way to read JR each week. That and I’m addicted to his cross face chicken wings and BBQ sauce.
8. JP (411) – Even though I hate him for canceling on our ROH adventure, JP’s good shit.
9. Derek Burgan – Like Nick Cannon, he’s hilarious.
10. Cook (411) – Steve, let me know when you want to leave Ask411. Because you know I’m following your ass for all of eternity.
11. Butters
11a. Scotsman – It was good to have Scotsman back even for only a few months.
12. Bryan Alvarez (Figure 4 Weekly) – I really should have him rated higher considering the dude’s jacked and could probably kick my ass. That said, I do think he has the 2nd best dirtsheet. Problem is he’s very pessimistic with everything which makes it hard for me to copy and paste his news pieces.
13. Larry Csonka (411) – I have no idea how he doesn’t suffer from burnout.
14. Stu Carapola (411) – I have no idea why he wanted to take the Heat recapper job from me. Then again, he promptly ditched it. Smart move Stu.
15. Scott Keith (Scott Keith’s gay ass blog) – Considering he hasn’t recapped anything recent in forever (outside of Raw XV), for some reason I still care what he thinks. Thankfully, I do have the willpower not to buy his books.

If I had to continue, Byers, Wilcox, and a bunch more 411 people would make up the majority of the list. Like you would expect different? Well maybe you do? Flame me below.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Okay, I lied. I won’t be taking a vacation next week. That’s actually in two weeks. So unfortunately, the #33 best writer in the IWC will be back next week. Until then…

Number Five’s in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!