The Seventh Dimension 01.18.08: F.O.O. Wrestling!

Posted by T.G. Corke on 01.18.2008

What would 411mania be like as a wrestling promotion? You're about to find out. Well, not really.



A while back, I was considering a column in which I aligned every columnist on this site into ‘heel' and ‘face' roles. I put it off because, well, it seemed like a crap idea. However, with a lack of major news as of late and a very sad amount of heat directed at Larry for being "the Triple H of 411", I decided I'd have another stab at it.

So, without further ado, I present to you the FOO Wrestling roster!



I won't be doing everyone, but I'll look at the ten (including, optimistically, myself) that I am guessing are the most well-known currently due to the breadth of work. And remember, it's only a bit of fun, this. Don't read too much into anything written here.

T.G. Corke
NICKNAME: The Human Man
CHARACTER: Heel Tweener
TECHNIQUE: Smashmouth/Submission
RIVAL/S: None
PARTNER/S: None
FINISHER: Running Put-down
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: This young rookie is taking FOO by storm. Already the number-one contender for the company's United Kingdom Championship (currently held by Dan ‘My name is Dan' Wilcox), T.G. Corke is quickly cementing his name among the higher echelon. After his tremendous 36-minute match with former champion Ari Berenstein three months back – which resulted in a disqualification when Corke refused to relinquish an Eye Rake – followed by his now legendary "creamy goodness" promo that turned the audience in his favour, the next twelve months could prove the breakthrough this man needs in his quest to finance his cousin's kidney operation.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: Stone Cold?

Larry Csonka
NICKNAME: Margarine
CHARACTER: Face Tweener
TECHNIQUE: Ground and Pound
RIVAL/S: Scott Keith, perhaps
PARTNER/S: Geoff Eubanks; Christy Csonka
FINISHER: Multiple Columnplexes
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: After many lean years picking his spots and trying to catch a break, Larry was given the chance of a lifetime when three of FOO's main-event stars went down with injury. Since then, he's held the FOO World Heavyweight Championship (of the world) for a record two years, and has also had a wealth of success in the Tag Team ranks with Geoff ‘Csonka's Little Helper' Eubanks, holding the FOO World Tag Team Championship on a peerless sixteen occasions. He was also runner-up in the Navy Rumble a few years back, ultimately eliminated by Ashish after being distracted by a particularly attractive wasp.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: John Cena

J.D. DUNN
NICKNAME: The Smoking Dunn
CHARACTER: Face
TECHNIQUE: Tactical
RIVAL/S: Brad Bordchadt; Michael Bauer
PARTNER/S: Pretty much everyone
FINISHER: Elevated Reference-to-American-culture-at-inappropriate-time
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: An all-star amateur from the University of Life, J.D. Dunn earned his coveted contract by triumphing in the annual ‘Winner of the Ring' invitational tournament held in Seattle. Since then, he's been in highly-regarded feuds with The Recappers (Braddy and Mikey) and their manager, Arnold Furious. He was also the promotion's first ever Womens' champion, for some reason.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: Christian Cage

JOHN MEEHAN
NICKNAME: Nipples
CHARACTER: Face
TECHNIQUE: Opportunistic
RIVAL/S: JP; Irvin Muchnick
PARTNER/S: Positivity
FINISHER: Senton Smile
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: Nobody has had a more tumultuous route to superstardom than the one they call Nipples Meehan. Originally a cheese-grater at a local animal hospice, John started his career in wrestling by entering the ‘Rough Enough' reality show. Under the tutelage of his all-time heroes, the New Age Outlaws, Meehan has insinuated himself as one of the company's most popular midcarders.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: Lashley

STUART CARAPOLA
NICKNAME: Sturdy Stu
CHARACTER: Heel Tweener
TECHNIQUE: Win At All Costs
RIVAL/S: Hardcore Holly
PARTNER/S: Stephen Randle
FINISHER: A Written Complaint
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: After struggling in the ‘death slot' for several months, Stuart finally got a chance to shine at the ‘That Was Then' pay-per-view two years ago, when he was a last-minute replacement for Peter Kent in the triple-threat Stepladder Match for the United Arab Emirates Heavyweight Championship. Sadly, he's currently sidelined by a wrist injury.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: Finlay

JARROD WESTERFELD
NICKNAME: The Moral Virus
CHARACTER: Heel
TECHNIQUE: Self-belief in All Circumstances
RIVAL/S: People
PARTNER/S: His Youtube Subscribers
FINISHER: Statistics off the Top Turnbuckle
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: A legend on the independent circuit for many years, Jarrod got his big break at the Paul Heyman Testimonial show in Aberdeen, when he shocked the world by proclaiming Heyman as a cunt who ruined wrestling forever. This was especially controversial, as Heyman was in the audience crying after the death of his Chihuahua puppy earlier in the evening. Jarrod is now the promotion's top heel.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: JBL

ANDY CLARK
NICKNAME: The Great White Clark
CHARACTER: Face
TECHNIQUE: Play It by the Book
RIVAL/S: Bayani Domingo; That Stoner Bloke
PARTNER/S: Andy Critchell
FINISHER: The Seated Report Card
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: A year training at the Rant Wars wrestling school in The Matrix-on-Tyne was well spent, as Andy has become one of FOO's most well-respected traditionists. His greatest individual moment came from taking the much sought-after Positivity Debate title, which is similar to the old WWF European title, or the Welsh Open in Snooker.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: Jeff Hardy

RYAN BYERS
NICKNAME: The Impact! Caterer
CHARACTER: Face Tweener
TECHNIQUE: Ethical but Ruthless
RIVAL/S: Jeff Small
PARTNER/S: Nick Marsico
FINISHER: Spike TV Piledriver
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: A staple of FOO's Thursday programming, Byers is one of the promotion's most respected players. Turned to in order to eek out a performance and guaranteed to get a response from the crowd, Byers is fames for his matter-of-fact promo skills and his slow, methodical pace. A good year in 2007 saw him win the ‘Cash-pounds in the Bank' Cage match at Grapplepsychosia 48.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: Batista

STEVE COOK
NICKNAME: The Broth Spoiler
CHARACTER: Heel
TECHNIQUE: Pure Hatred
RIVAL/S: The Consensus
PARTNER/S: None
FINISHER: S-T-Eve
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: A lot has been made of his political influence and behind-the-scenes scheming, but as of yet none of it has been verified by a reliable source. One thing's for sure – whenever a situation is endangered, Cook is on hand to cook up a salvation. He's had a short stint with the World title, but most of his success has been within the boozer-weight division.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: Edge

JP PRAG
NICKNAME: The Hidden Highlight
CHARACTER: Face
TECHNIQUE: Look for Openings
RIVAL/S: Meehan
PARTNER/S: James Thomlinson
FINISHER: Flying Missed Feature
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: And then, there's the consummate underdog. The man who dares to be fair. After the emotional turmoil of losing his former tag-team partner JT, with whom JP won roughly seventy-six championships around the world, JP recovered and continued to ply his trade in the singles division. Currently, he's working as a commentator due to a niggling metatarsal wound.
MAINSTREAM WRESTLER COMPARABLE TO: AJ Styles

As you can see, the show would be very successful and would probably draw a profit within three weeks. Which just goes to show that I know better than somebody actually in the business. (wink)

Was there a message here? Not really. I guess you could say that the moral is "if you can't do it better, don't do anything". Because, if you do, you end up with throwaway rubbish like I've just written. But, truth be heard, there was no real parable this week. I just wanted to fulfill a promise I made in my fifth week here. See? I truly am a man of my word.

Titbits

I had a dream where CM Punk's character was French, and was the greatest heel in the history of the industry. He was cutting a speech to the Raw crowd about how he liked his matches the same way he likes his women – tight and sweaty, with plenty of gash at the end of it. I woke up to find myself pointing at the ceiling like Cartman chanting "CM Punk! CM Punk!" under my breath. Then I remembered, "oh…he's just that straight-edge guy". I was very disappointed.


Paul Wight has now officially signed with the WWE, and his return has been the catalyst of much debate. And with good reason, as well – he left due to the injuries he had sustained from years on the road, and promptly blasted the company for the way he had been treated despite being ECW champion upon his decision to quit. Then, he thought he would become a boxer. Of course, that didn't work out. So now, he's back in the WWE, and will presumably be using his ‘slave name' of the Big Show once more. The whole thing stinks of hypocrisy and desperation. On the other hand, I enjoy watching the Big Show, so I'm pleased he's coming back.


Meanwhile, Chris Harris and Ron Killings are looking to get signed by the WWE. If they do, I predict Killings to form a tag team with Elijah Burke, and Harris to become a tag team with Charlie Haas.


Assassin's Creed is amazing.

Wrestlelife

No Wrestlelife this week as, quite frankly, my emotions are too complicated and somewhat embarrassing to go into in detail at the moment. I also contribute my frame of mind to the low standard of this article. Sorry, guys.

Feeder Readback~!

A couple of emails, this week. From old friend Phil Martin:

Hi.

Congrats on getting the friday slot. Huzzah for you.

Smarks, Marks, Uber Marks and all that jazz are all ultimately just fans and are all buying stuff and that is all good. We all watch wrestling and we all have to respond to patronising tools who ask us whether or not we know that it's all fake

I think that kayfabe is killing wrestling. Kayfabe makes it all look real, it almost justifies kids trying it at home, it makes the mainstream treat it like a sport. When it's more like a circus act with a massive budget. Do Cirque de Soleil(spl?) have to perform random standardised drug testing? I don't think so.

Is that because people know that it's just a show? More than likely. I'm staying away from the movie links because I think that we should ignore that. Steroids are obviously not good but surely there are decent steroids with no real side effects that although illegal in competitive sport would be safer to allow for wrestlers on prescription, y'know to stop them going through internet bloody pharmacists... just an idea

But can anybody predict that wrestling will be damaged by an admission that it is scripted and the results are predetermined? Although having written that, it does sound a bit crappy.

Anyway the reason that I've made the effort to type this.

If one more person condemns hornswoggle I will hunt them down and stab them with the biro that I am holding, which you can't see but is certainly there.

Every single person I've met who states how ridiculous the gimmick is is a hypocrite because every single one of them marked out like a school girl when they heard the Bells and Taker dropped the biker gimmick. In fact most of the anger wasn't that taker was a zombie it was that he hadn't taken it far enough. He was some sort of zombie biker hybrid. If you are willing to allow Taker some slack Hornswoggle shout be given the same leeway, he is fantastic at what he does...besides if Hornswoggle stays I can continue to hope against hope for a return of The Hurricane. whassupwitdat?

Besides if we lose the cartoonish elements of wrestling we lose 90 percent of the appeal. It's meant to be fun and different and be fun for everyone. Not everybody can sit through a ROH style show for 4 hours.

Anyway, keep up the work,

Phil

That's a good point about Hornswoggle. I think a lot of it is because Vince is involved, and anything that has Mr. McMahon in it is immediately going to be written off as a failure. Although, to be fair, the Undertaker did make his name as the Deadman. So it's not really that surprising that people wanted him to go back to it.

And from Rob A:

Greetings,
I loved your column, especially in regard to the Benoit tragedy. I have also been amazed by the number of idiots choosing to believe, and helping to spread the Kevin Sullivan conspiracy theories. I had the 'pleasure' of exchanging emails with one such piece of shit. His professional name is Johnny Angel. As you may know, he was a low level wrestler (or midcarder at best) from about 20-25 years ago. When I pointed out how slanderous it is to publicly accuse Sullivan, he accused me of being a Satanist and defending Satanic worship. At that point I called him out for being what he is. in my opinion he was a fucking failure in wrestling who never got over and an attention seeking piece of shit using religion to earn a living, instead
of working an honest job. I think the Johnny Angels of the world are far worse than the loser idiot fans who believe this moronic and unfounded shit. Angel and his fellow travelers (Mark Mero comes to mind) have used this tragedy to make a buck and get some publicity. I can overlook the hardcore sheep like fan more so than pieces of shit wrestlers who try to capitalize on the deaths of an entire family.

Sincerely,
Rob A

Yes, I had heard of Johnny Angel. I don't know how much he's profited from his statements, but either way he comes across as both a giant douche and a turd sandwich.

Oooh, yeah!

You know the drill. Post a comment if you have any ideas on what I should write about next week, because I've been stumped lately. I simply haven't been able to think about wrestling. I'm not planning on jacking it in yet, but I really wish I had some direction.

But anyway, enough emo crap. See you again next week. Same time, same place.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX